I was sharing this blog with a new person this week, and I glanced through my 30 Days of Kink from 2011 and was highly amused at some of the things I said. So, in an effort to keep drop at bay, I answered the questions again, 12 years later. I’m impatient, so I’m not breaking them up and posting one a day, so it’s quite a long post. But if you get all the way through it, I hope you enjoy.
Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting, in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.
Since the inception of this blog, my bio has proclaimed me a “kinky, submissive, polyamorous, a pain slut, a rope slut, a brat, a SAM, a bottom, and a service top.” The first time, 12 years ago, when I answered this question, I took it one question at a time. This time, I’ll just ramble off the final sentence.
My kinky self, at the age of 42. I’m still subby to very specific people, and a SAM when it’s called for. I’m a bottom to those I play with where submissive doesn’t fit. Definitely a masochist and rope bottom as my main play avenues. I don’t service top as much anymore, but I do teach volunteers on occasion. I’m certainly a receiver instead of a giver of my favorite kinks. Except boot blacking, in which I am doing the action for him. Speaking of, I must also add service sub. Having been in service to him for over a decade at this point.
Day 2: List your kinks.
A dozen years ago I wrote these in very organized lists under headings of Bondage, Masochism, Submission, Role Playing, Clothes, and Service. A decade later, with more experience, some of those just weren’t all I thought they might be cracked up to be, and getting into so many specific implements seems so limiting.
Today my kinks include:
Rope, Suspension, Mummification, Bondage, Impact toys, OTK Spanking, Pain, Rough Body Play, Sharp Things, Fire, Control, Discipline, D/s, Fear, Sensory Deprivation, (Rough) Sex, Oral Sex, CNC, Sexy Clothes, Bootblacking, and Service
Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?
Last time, I talked about my teenage fantasies and my second boyfriend. But let’s pull the all the way back to when I was much younger. I liked the nursery rhyme about the Old Woman who Live in the Shoe because she “spanked them all soundly and sent them to bed.” My household wasn’t much for spanking punishments, I think it only happened once in actual memory and it wasn’t me. I knew something was different about me way back then. I just had no idea why I wanted to act out that particular rhyme. I don’t fantasize about the Old Woman, but most of my night stories involve spanking this naughty girl.
Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?
Well, I guess I answered this yesterday, and last time. I don’t know of any other early experiences, so I’ll just point back to the last time I answered those.
Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.
Last time I talked about BF2’s first bite. These days I would barely call that kinky, but at the time it was a lot and highly sexualized.
It was BF5 before I got my first sexual spanking, though by then, I’d had much kinky cybering (ahh ICQ) with my daddy. I did a lot of weird cybering back then. ::Laughs::
Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.
The first time, I talked about my Newsies Fanfic fantasies and their occasional crossing with Star Trek’s Q. But with AO3 winning a Hugo award, I guess I can’t call fanfic quite so weird anymore. ::Laughs::
As I mentioned in a previous answer, most of my fantasies involve spanking – naughty coed usually, or vampire kink club, if not newsies, though no star trek crossovers anymore. I have a whole ongoing self-insert poly story going with Spot these days. Maybe that’s weird or interesting. Or maybe it’s the three level vampire sex club I’ve created in my head with dancing and drinks on the first floor, throbbing, sexier music on the second floor as people nearly have sex on the dance floor while vampires pick them out to take them upstairs to the full on kinky sex club. The naughty coeds are pretty tame by comparison, seducing professors into spankings and sex, or being passed around a party as a sexualized serving girl to be auctioned off at the end of the night to the highest bidder. You tell me which you think is the most interesting or weird. Seems pretty normal to me. 😉
Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?
I wrote about Rope before. And while I still agree with everything I said there, let me see if I can pick something more singular.
I would probably say the deerskin flogger. It’s huge and soft and smells so good! The heavy thud it gives is delicious. The loud Thwack is impressive. And he can still snap it for sting if he wants to. Or wrap it around my neck for comfort or choking. Or use the handle for impact or pressure. It is best flogger.
Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.
My favorite of my drawings:
Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.
Has to be Head Like a Hole:
Day 10: What are your hard limits?
This answer is always a whole treatise. My 2011 Hard Limits post actually referenced a 2009 list, so I’m just going to start whole cloth this time.
So, Hard Limits – things I will not do. Things that are not allowed. I tease with him that our only limits are: Not Going to Jail, the Morgue, or intentionally to the Hospital. We don’t do things that would result in any of those things (with the acknowledgement that accidents happen). Recently, I’ve added sharing me sexually with other people (not that he has, but he’s been teasing). I just got over an HPV infection a few months ago, thanks. I also don’t do threesomes where PIV is involved – oral in very special circumstances, but penetrative sex is different for me. Sure, there are masturbatory fantasies about those things, but I don’t Actually want to do them. At least not at this point in my life.
So, other than those things, Hard Limits for types of play are bodily fluid/waste play, infantilism, and Degradation play. Other Hard Limits are Food or Financial control, Branding, Tattooing, and other permanent body mods.
When playing outside my current partner, there are, of course, other limitations, but those are more about negotiations than Hard Limits. Many things are soft limits, which, to me, means things reserved for specific people or relationships.
Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?
I gave a copout ethics answer in 2011, so I’ll try to actually answer this time.
The bedrock of kink ethics is consent. Consent, for me, is active, enthusiastic, and fully informed. Some people like the phrase Safe, Sane, and Consensual kink. I’m more of a Risk Aware Consensual Kink person. I know some of the play I do is neither safe nor sane, but I do the best I can to understand and/or mitigate the risks. I think education is incredibly important to this process. Knowing what you are doing, what the risks are, as best you can, helps keep everyone safe. The more I know, the more enthusiastic my consent.
So, what are some other aspects of kink ethics – Honesty, Respect, and Responsibility. You have to be honest with not just your partner, but with yourself, and that’s the harder part of all this (and life). Honesty builds trust, and trust is vital to the things that we do. Respect comes right along behind that. Being respectful of being told No, of other people and their kinks. Respect is vital to this community, but one must be careful to not misplace it. Sometimes predators are overlooked because they are “respected” instead of respecting the voices of their victims. Which leads us to Responsibility, and taking responsibility for your own actions and for keeping others safe. Things don’t always go as planned, so you have to take responsibility for yourself and the consequences of your actions. Secondarily, being a responsible community member by working together with others for the safety of all. None of this is easy, but it is worth it so that we can do what we do.
Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.
Oh, my young kinky self said: I don’t really do funny.
Then, just seven months later, I was singing and dancing to a J-Pop number on stage at a play party.
Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?
Previously, I simply linked back to other posts.
Simple answer: It makes me wet. I like a challenge. The brain chemicals it produces make me feel good.
Complex answer: I am a sexual being. I like sex and sexual arousal. And for some reason, my body is wired to find these things arousing. Pain is still pain to me, but it turns me on. The challenge of enduring it turns me on. The grin on my partner’s face while he hurts me, turns me on. Bondage makes me feel safe and loved, and all the sensations it gives turn me on. The pull of rope across my skin. The tight squeeze and immobility. The helplessness of being bound. The freedom of floating or flying through the air. Giving over control to someone is incredibly sexy. The implicit trust, the bending to their will, giving into their desires. It is just So Hot. Serving is more simple, it makes me happy, it feels good to do for others, and some of it links up with that giving over control bit, too. Endorphins, dopamine, and adrenaline are my drugs of choice, naturally made and coursing through my brain and body. So deliciously arousing.
Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?
The first time, I talked about real life being more dangerous, but more fulfilling, but let’s dive deeper than that.
Fantasy kink, whether in the mind or on the screen or on a page, can be immensely satisfying, arousing, and fun. It can explore desires or kinks you might never actually try, nor want to try. It is a place where you can be as creative as you wish, with no physical, monetary, time, or other real world limitations. Fantasy can be a great outlet, especially if you have no or less access to real life kink. (With the normal caveats about getting lost in obsession over things that take away from you actual life.)
Real life kink is harder. It takes work, communication, availability of partners and places and time. But there is nothing that can fully replace the human touch of having kink partners in your life. Thinking and dreaming is one thing, but actually experiencing your desires is so freeing and wonderful. That’s not to say it has no downsides. When you introduce the human factor, things don’t always go as planned, and rarely go as imagined. And that can be hard, but it can also be wonderful. The spontaneity of the human factor can make RL Kink so much better. Other people come up with things you might never have thought of on your own. You can make connections over shared kinks, make strong relationships with clear communication, and find community.
Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.
Last time I posted about Needles, and since then, I have done needle scenes at least five times, though I didn’t write about the last one.
::Skims through the FL Fetish list:: Nothing new there, except maybe a vacuum bed. I’ve always wanted to try one of those.
Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?
My Blood Family, all of whom are highly religious. Not that I would share my sex life with them anyway, but I can’t be honest with them about the activities I participate in. Can’t tell them why I went camping last week. Can’t show them even fully clothed photos of me flying through the air with an expression of pure joy on my face. I’m poly, too, and I can’t share my partner(s) with them, either, as all but my now-ex-husband were all involved with others/married.
Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?
That we are all weird deviant freaks. This has become less of a stigma in recent years. If 50Shades did anything, it was that, all its other problems aside. But it is still a prevalent view. People don’t understand how many of the “upright professionals” they deal with every day are actually kinky. They don’t understand that it is just sexual expression and creativity that feeds us. We weren’t all abused children/teens, any more than other populations. We just find joy in things outside the norm. Which doesn’t really exist anyway – infinite diversity in infinite combinations.
Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?
My previous pet peeve was intrusion on scenes, which is still majorly annoying, but I’ve learned how to prevent that in the intervening years. (Surprise, it’s communication!)
I’d say I have a pretty unpopular pet peeve these days, and that’s bratty bottoms of the “bet you can’t” variety. I’m not a top, so it’s not really my problem, but my brain always responds to this type of interaction with “well, guess you don’t want it, bye.” That’s why I call myself a SAM and not a brat. I make sarcastic and smart ass comments, sure, and I like the occasional resistance scene, but I’d never challenge my partner’s ability to do a thing. I don’t play with people who “can’t” do the thing we’re going to do. I wouldn’t say “can’t you hit any harder?” or “that’s not very hard” though I might ask/beg for more.
Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?
In 2011, I linked to a post on Gratitude.
Kink has brought me such a big and diverse group of friends and found family. As a young person, I thought of kink as a way to have a more fulfilling sex life. But I have gained such a great community in the process of exploring, sharing, learning, and teaching. And that community is every expanding. It expanded again just last week, and I am forever grateful.
Day 20: Talk about something within kink/BDSM that you’re curious about/don’t understand.
I talked about the Top side of the coin last time, but I understand that a bit more these days.
Well, we already did curious about a few prompts ago, but I guess that was a specific activity. Something I want to know more about/understand better? I think this might be a case of I don’t know what I don’t know. I’ll pause this answer and come back to it.
I guess I’ll get a little political here. I don’t understand intolerance in the BDSM/kink community. We’re here because we’re all a bit different, why judge other people because of How they’re different. Why be intolerant of other people just looking for the same acceptance you have? There are kinks I don’t like don’t want, but that doesn’t mean I should judge people who do. Divided we fall and all that. The only thing we shouldn’t tolerate is intolerance. (I have now written that word enough that it looks wrong so I’ll stop.)
Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)
I think I’ll go with Kushiel’s Dart this time. I mean there are hot vampire scenes in the Dresden books and all, but Kushiel’s Dart spoke to things in me. I really ought to get further in that series.
Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?
I think keeping any relationship healthy requires the same things – Honesty, Trust, Respect (sounds like my ethics post), and Communication. The different between vanilla and BSDM relationships is often the intensity of the need for these things. No relationship can be healthy without them, but when kink activities are involved, the lack of them can be physically and mentally dangerous. Some vanilla relationships can coast along without these, and while unhealthy, they aren’t necessarily dangerous. But a BDSM relationship, where one is assuming kink activities, neglect of these things can turn to harm rather quickly. Not always, but there’s a higher chance.
Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?
I previously just wrote in vague terms of growing so much, and finding acceptance, love, and support. Let’s get a little more specific this time, though those things have continued to happen.
My interests have certainly blossomed as you might have seen in previous responses to these questions. From starting with spankings to now enjoying flogging, whipping, paddling, caning, and various forms of impact and rough body play. My interests in rope and bondage have grown to involve nearly every form of such that I have come across including mummification with duct tape. I’ve experienced a variety of electric play and needle play. Played on the edges of CNC, experienced D/s and service, topped a variety of strangers in their first Violet Wand scenes, taught others to use them, learn rope ties and assisted in suspensions. So much has happened in the last twelve years, so much has changed.
I love trying new things a lot more than I used to, experiencing new things. But I’m still a fairly shy introvert in a crowd of new folk. The open acceptance of my chosen family and community, though, has been good for bringing me out of my shell. The “radical inclusivity” of a recent event even had me feeling sexy and not at all self-conscious while standing naked in a public scene. I have learned a lot more acceptance of myself and my desires, even when I still struggle to speak them.
Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?
Intelligence, Honesty, Compassion, Passion, Respect, Love was my previous answer and is still fairly accurate.
These days there are a few more things to add to that, or ways to expand on them. I’m poly and I need them to accept that I have or will have other partners. I list as heterosexual, but with the wide variety of gender and sexual expressions, saying I only want cismen may no longer be accurate. One of my previous partners identifies as NB now, and I still find them attractive, as well as GF, GN, and other identities. So, I don’t want to pin down quite as far as the simple “heterosexual” but I’m not sure what to change it to. Andro? Min? Multi? Omni? Pan? I still generally lean towards masc-presenting partners.
As far as character qualities, the above list is good. I need partners who use their brain and can hold conversations. They must be honest with me and themselves as best they can. I cannot tolerate lying – whether bold faced, omission, or “for your own good” hiding the truth. I don’t do don’t ask, don’t tell relationships. Compassion is vital, we all have issues and being sensitive to other people’s feelings and lives is important. I’ll follow this one up with Respect. Respect for yourself, for me. For my boundaries, my time, and my other relationships. And let’s throw in respect for your fellow humans, too. Passion and love. These are absolute needs. I need to share love and passion with you. Whether that’s passion for shared kinks or nerdy things, or life. I want to love and be loved in return.
Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?
::eye shifts at the last 24 posts:: Pretty open? Well, that is situational, of course. I’ve talked about not being open with my blood family. I’m not open about it at work, either. Though I’ve had a couple coworkers see me at Trauma when I was at the bookstore job. But I’m open about my kinks with friends and certainly in the kink community itself. I don’t really talk about it in public social media either (other than the Twitter profile attached to this persona/blog), though I like kinky memes on Facebook and Twitter more than I used to. I’ve shared this blog with a lot more people since that first post in 2011, too. So, I’d say pretty open in appropriate circles.
Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?
I’ve mentioned cybering before both in this current list and in the last one. It can be a lot of fun, though these days I’m more likely to kinky text, not necessarily wanting that saved on the social media where most of my online chatting takes place.
I know there are virtual environments where people engage in play, but I’ve never gotten into those. My opinion is: Have fun where you can find it. I like in person a lot better, but sometimes online is all that’s available. Enjoy your bliss wherever you find it.
Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?
Would I like to do a more sex/kink-positive TTRPG? Absolutely. Would I ever do it with my current gaming group? Absolutely not. With other people? Sure but scheduling and finding the right group would be a huge undertaking. So no, my non-kink interests don’t really find their way into my kink all that much that I can think of. My writing, I guess, and I did just go kinky camping, but I don’t really think of it that way, like I did in that old post.
Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?
I dress for him, and for me. I wear skirts or shiny catsuits more recently, but almost always skirts. Because our agreement still holds that I always wear skirts for him with nothing beneath (with a few exceptions). So, I wear short skirts or dresses, sexy or shiny or pettable. I like to show off my sexy figure, even as I argue with it in regular life. My kinky clothes help me feel that sexiness, and show it to others. They give me confidence, if not warmth.
Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?
I don’t have a title that I ask other people to use. I identify with a variety of labels depending on the situation, as mentioned way back in early questions. But titles are more of an external thing. I don’t even use a scene name with most people I interact with, unless they’re strangers or online. I’m just me. Now, I like being called things, in certain circumstances, but generally those are sexual circumstances, and by my close partners. That’s entirely different, though.
Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.
Last question. Previously, I just promoted the blog in general, but I don’t write weekly anymore. I have posted about few scenes recently.
But what is on my mind that we haven’t already covered?
Drop. The thing I’m trying to avoid by writing.
I went to a five day, four night kink event last week. And since I got home, I’ve been working and writing, and cleaning up tents, and playing DnD, watching DND, and obsessively scrolling FL, loving everyone’s statuses and writings and comments. Trying to keep the happy brain chemicals flowing. Pushing for the next hit of them at a party on Friday. Then I have a three day weekend. I’m trying to keep drop at bay until I have the time to fall apart.
Sharing my writings, getting those happy hits whenever someone loves it, or comments. Filling out a 30-day questionnaire in two days.
Am I really avoiding drop or is this just how I do it? Emptying my brain onto the computer screen. I did get home from the event itself and sleep for four hours, but that was more exhaustion than drop. I snuggled up with him the next night after dinner and putting the tents away. I certainly felt a bit droppy and needy then. But I work and live at home, on my own, so I’ve been keeping busy.
Drop for me usually presents as a desire to sleep and eat sugar. Sometimes judgement and self-doubt. Feelings of sadness, loneliness, and a need for physical comfort. I fight it by doing the things my body wants. I did that on Sunday for the immediate event drop – slept and then ordered Jets pizza with brownies. I’ve been pushing it away since then, aiming for tomorrow’s party. I’m still pretty bruised up, so I don’t know what I’m going to be doing tomorrow, other than getting lots of hugs and hopefully snuggles. I do want to play, too, just not sure how, yet.
I am expecting a bigger drop on the weekend. The last of these parties I went to, brought up a lot of things after. Words I sent to him, so many words. As this week has done in spades, as well. But I have time for that this weekend, so I just have to keep busy until then. ::Laughs and shoves the brain weasels back under the carpet::
