I like pain. I like nipple clamps. I like kneeling for him. But I’m 42 years old and have been living, like you, through a pandemic for the last three years. My body is no longer in the “doing kinky events three times a week” shape that it once was. Or even in the “doing kinky things once a week” shape. It’s only barely back in the “seeing people in person every week” shape, and those are just my closest friends/chosen family. Also, bodies are assholes.
I’ve been posting on and off about our date nights, and some of the issues. But I want to start by focusing on one solution.
I like the excruciating pain of nipple clamps, as an endurance and endorphins thing. He likes to put them on me as an enjoying my suffering thing. But we’ve had some trouble in the last couple years. Can’t stand up when I wear them. Panicking before they’re even on. Nearly passing out if I am too or get too hot. So, this past date night, we started with rope. Just some wrists and breasts, with me sitting down. Then he got the clamps out – cloverleaf, my favorite cuz my nipples are tiny.
I started panicking and whimpering. He really wanted to use them, and generally, I have the want, as well. So, he sat back down in front of me, and made me breathe. Deep slow breaths with him. Settle the ragged panic. Just breathe. In and out. For several minutes. “Do you want them?” I nod jerkily, but he just waited. We kept breathing, until I can set my shoulders back down where they belong and actually say Yes, Sir. He put one on. And then we breathed some more until I could say Yes to the other one. Then we kept breathing (with lots of swearing) until I settled in fully. Then, staying seated, we were able to fuck with them for a decent amount of time. Even after we had to take the rope off for my shoulders. I even was able to stand and walk around a bit to fetch water and return to the couch. Taking them off is its own special torture, as anyone experienced knows, and, as always, the begging for them not to go immediately back on. So, he put them random other places until we were done. Just have to remember to stay calm and breathe.
I kept commenting to him about my amygdala having gotten out of practice. The amount of fear I’ve been living in these past few years has set my responses to flight quite heavily. So, I need help retraining it. Just breathe.
Another note, I can no longer physically kneel for more than a few seconds without it feeling like I’m dislocating my knees. It’s been this way for a while now. He put me on my knees early in the evening, and I stayed a few seconds, then slide to one side for a bit, and then ended up sitting cross legged at his feet. He didn’t comment when I did it, maybe didn’t know what my shifts in position meant. But called me on it a short while later. I was having a bad body image day, having put on quite a lot of pandemic weight, and was just ashamed. I’ve been doing the same for months, but he reminded me that I have to communicate such issues, not just move out of where he put me. Just breathe, but also talk.
