The quote from Imp of the Perverse (E.A. Poe) that I use as a tagline on this site: There is no passion in nature so demoniacally impatient, as that of him who, shuddering upon the edge of a precipice, thus meditates a Plunge.
It is that meditating of the plunge that’s the problem. I spend so much time thinking about it, afraid to act. While at the same time being impatient, or judging myself, for not acting. That I get twisted up in the cycle of it.
I have so much old “sit down and be quiet” ingrained in me. Always at war with “ask or you will not receive” and “no one can read your mind.” Not to mention “I am enough and deserve good things” warring with “I don’t want to bother them” and “I shouldn’t be selfish.”
It’s a hard cycle, and one I’ve been working on with my therapist. Clear communication and believing I’m worthy. I’ll be forty-two next month, The Answer, but I still struggle hard with these things. The last erotica I started actually writing/drawing was an angel being tormented by demons after a fall from grace. Not autobiographical at all, no sirree.
I have so many blogs running right now: family, DnD game, DnD DMing; that I’ve completely left this one behind. I could say it was due to the pandemic, but I had been struggling long before then. I am grateful it is still here, though, to talk about stuff on occasion.
The pandemic still runs the world, but people are getting used to it, or ignoring it, more now. Things have changed and the new normal is still evolving. Not that the world is ever stagnant, but everything is so much more up in the air. Politicians are taking even more advantage of the unrest. We worry that our scifi shows might not be wrong about WWIII early in this century.
Yet, we are all still people, trying to connect with one another. Through the fear, through the restrictions, through the pain. Trying and sometimes failing, but trying nonetheless.
