I’ve put myself in a weird headspace this week.
As a masochistic bottom with rape fantasies, I have a lot of shame voices in my head. I have worked really hard to shut them up and lock them away. I like pain, I like the fantasy of consentual non-consent. I’m allowed to like these things. I don’t want some random stranger to do actual harm to me or anyone else. I simply get sexual enjoyment out of extreme sensation and power exchange.
I also like crime dramas. Not true crime so much, but things like CSI, NCIS, Bones, and Criminal Minds. It’s this last I’ve been watching this week. They dig into the minds of the serial killers/kidnappers/rapists they go after. Examine what makes the mind of a psychotic sexual sadist tick. It’s reassuring, in a way, to see them as other. To know their brains work differently than “normal” people.
But it’s also a tad disturbing to watch during a time when I’m stuck at home, alone, and mostly cut off from everyone else. Especially, when I really want one of my partners/play partners to come beat the fuck out of me and/or use me for sexual enjoyment. Puts me in a weird headspace to combine that all together.
So, I’m taking a break today. To write and create and clear my head. I want to do that more often.
