I never know what I’m going to get with the lover. Even when we were together, he could surprise me. With my own pain. Stubbornness. Surrender. Each time we have played since then has built upon a once broken foundation. Making it stronger like Japanese pottery.
We set expectations and boundaries. Mostly me. Guarding what’s left of my walls. As I pull them down one brick at a time. He asking why. Making sure I removed each one for myself and not for him.
We both know how intoxicating it can be. We can be. Together.
I asked lover to take me to a painful edge. He did, and twisted me to face the drop beyond. I broke once more, ever so slightly. Remembering the words of old with tears in my eyes.
Thank you, Sir.
He stopped then, pulled me slowly back. But I was shaken. Each gentle touch promised more pain. Each soothing motion still frightening.
I hadn’t called red, only yellow. He could start up again, if he wished. I trembled as he untied my wrists. Shivered at calming touches on my skin.
But he was bringing me home. Leading me slowly back from the edge he had pushed me to. With his 123s, good girls, and pain. So much pain. Guiding me back down from the heights while my teeth chattered and my nerves vibrated.
I had to ground out through him once I was able to sit up. I haven’t done that in a long time. Not like this, not this raw and shaking.
I could have done it alone, but it would have taken much longer. He sat still and let me. Always able to provide calm after a storm.
I am a rock for many, but some days, he offers to be that rock for me. Forever grateful.
