What a Month

This has been quite a month. From relationship and schedule changes, to car repairs and computer thefts. There have been amazing highs, and horribly depressing lows. I haven’t posted anything of substance since my posting spree on the seventh. I’ve had ideas run through my head here and there, but they leave just as fast as they come. I’ve gotten way behind in my article writing for Modern Dungeon Quarterly, then caught up, and then fallen behind again. I’ve fallen into places where I wasn’t sure I wanted to stay married, wandered into realms of fear and doubt, and clawed my way back up. I have spent entire days in tears, but also entire days in a giggling high. I have both been leaned on and been the one leaning. I have been giving and caring, and needy and lost. It has been quite the month, and I’m glad it’s nearly over.

Nothing ever goes as planned. This lesson was repeated over and over again this month. Things were decided, but one explosion changed the decisions again. Schedules were changed, but tragedy made its own changes. Just an hour or two, turned into more and a broken window and loss of property. You get married “forever and always,” but just look around, divorce is very common. And in this community, look around, divorce doesn’t have to be the answer. Hubby keeps telling me that we can create whatever we want, but my mind says nothing ever goes as planned.

So at this point, I’m not planning for the future. I’m living in the now. I’m taking care of the immediate. There are things that need done. Problems that need addressed. People who need my support. I am thinking more clearly about what I want, not just doing things because they are expected of me. As the immediate is taken care of, as problems are solved, and things are worked through, we will see where it leads. Without expectation, but with acceptance, that any outcome is valid, and new choices don’t mean failure.