NaNoWriMo 2016 Intro

November 2nd, 2016

I’ve been ignoring my brain, or suppressing it, for the last month, while I’ve dealt with moving, and Trauma prep, and Trauma. A lot of thoughts have popped up that I wanted to write about, but I just did not make the time. I wrote a few of them down, but not many. Later, I told myself. You have to sleep now, you have Things to DO. I let go of taking care of myself, too. Stopped doing the things I was trying to turn into habits. Stopped keeping track. Stopped printing out my calendar so I had a clear view of my month. It’s November now, it’s National Novel Writing Month. But, instead of writing a novel, I am going to commit myself to writing 50K words of my thoughts. Give my brain the care and attention it deserves, and I’m starting now – one day late, of course.

The other night, I wrote a little bit in my bedside journal, I wrote down a list of topics that were floating in my head. In less than ten minutes, I wrote over thirty topics/keywords. Apparently, there’s a lot on my mind:

  • Insecurity
  • Gift of Fear
  • Single Secondary
  • Attraction
  • Communication is Scary
  • Consent
  • Whisper words of love – do you Really want me to scream your name?
  • I’m not Just a Masochist
  • Hard Limits
  • Female Cuckolding (Cuckquean, apparently)
  • Boundaries
  • The Future
  • Finding a Primary
  • Whipping Post
  • Floating
  • Skin time
  • Filling my cup
  • Being Social
  • Family
  • Prey/Capture/Rape
  • New Experiences
  • Asking
  • Asking for Help
  • Self-Image
  • Art
  • Clinginess
  • Uncertainty
  • Expectations
  • Needs/Wants/Desires
  • Private time
  • Fantasies
  • Realities
  • Sexual Freedom

I am recording this list here in case I try to tell myself that I don’t have anything more to write about, or if I think I’ve run out of ideas. There has been a lot on my mind, and I’ve got to pull it out so that it doesn’t fester, ferment, and explode. I’m sure this list isn’t even a complete one, but it is a place to start. I’m going to try and post my writings on all of these topics, give my blog some fresh flowing blood. I used to not worry so much about my own privacy when I posted, but I’ve gotten more and more self-conscious over the years, knowing that more and more people are able to read it, people I know. I’ll try to let go of that again, at least of this month, let the words and self-reflection flow freely. This is just the introduction, the explanation. There will be meat and blood soon.

I used to hand-write everything, especially longer pieces that I intended to put serious work into, but the whole point of NaNoWriMo is to write without judgement, without editing, just write. And in doing it by hand, I could do that, but if I want to share it, want to hold myself accountable via the blog, I would then have to type it up, taking twice the time, and I would definitely do some editing, cleaning, and changing in that typing. So, instead, I am crafting directly on the computer, fingers flying nearly as fast as my thoughts, with no time to change or censor my thoughts. I will be brave and I will write from the heart, and I will share it with you, my dear readers.

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Events and Me Time

August 25th, 2016

COPE is coming up, but I’m not going this year. Too much tied up in moving house. Just can’t swing it this time. Which is a sad, for not getting to see friends, not getting to play with him, not having hot stories to tell after, not getting to sample classes from new presenters, no pile of meat Saturday night. But, it isn’t the first time I haven’t gone, and probably won’t be the last.

I’ve let myself get too wrapped up in everything. And pulled all the stress onto my shoulders and into my body. I have to focus on me for a little while. On getting ready to start a new chapter, on moving house, and rediscovering or recovering my passions. This is one of those passions I’ve let slide far too much. Social media is not really my bailiwick, I don’t know how to use Twitter to get followers, or interact with them, it just seems like there is too much noise, too much static there. I don’t know how to cut through it and connect, and let’s be honest, I don’t feel motivated to try. But writing, is. Writing about my journey, about my fun and my grief. Writing about my triumphs and my falls. Writing good stories, and meaningful (to me, at least) posts.

So, I’ve set some goals to recover my passions, and one of those is to write more every day, including at least one short story a week. I’m not going to promise they will all be for this site, but there will be some.

I had a really nice weekend. We had a hugely busy FFF this month, much bigger than we’d expected given attendance of late. And that was great, the fire class went well, and everyone had a good time. Also, he brought me fresh made rolls, Mmmmmm Tasty.

We also put on a Saturday party, or FFS. At which, I got to encourage a good friend to try out our Electric station, and our Fire station, both of which she very much enjoyed, and this made my heart happy – she does so much for our community, it’s nice to give back.

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Things I Want to Say

August 10th, 2016

I have things I want to say, things I want to post about. But I’m tired all the time, and I write them down, prompts for when I have more energy. But then, they don’t make as much sense, or they don’t seem as important. Or them seem too vulnerable a topic to put out in public space. At some point in the past, I didn’t care that this was public space – blogging for the world to see, mostly because I assumed that no one did see it. And that’s mostly true, still, my numbers are depressingly low for a blogger that’s been blogging this long, but they’re good enough for me, a few people visit every day, and that’s all I really need. Just enough for me to be sure this isn’t a hidden space, just enough for me to worry about being judged. Though not publicly, I hardly ever get any negative comments, or contradictory even. And yet…

Part of me wants to do another 30 days thing, to get my juices flowing, to get me back to posting. To get me back to making the time for writing. I’ve let the worries of the world, of money, of jobs, of moving, of health, beat me down into a little worker bee, doing all the needful things, but not doing the heartful things. The things that fill me up and move me forward into the world with happiness.

Which takes me to one of my topics. Abnegation versus Dauntless. I’ve been listening to the Divergent series audiobooks. I’ve only made it through the first two, because the third has a waitlist. But the main character’s struggle between selflessness and bravery is interesting to me. The other factions – knowledge, honesty, happiness – these are good traits, too, but they aren’t a struggle in my head. Bravery – in this internal struggle, is more about standing up, for myself, for others, instead of selflessness as standing back, doing what others want.

I’m not sure I’m explaining this well. In the D/s circles, there are discussions about doormats. One wants a submissive, not a doormat. Sometimes, it is a struggle between selflessness and doormatness – knowing where the line is, and having the bravery to stand up for oneself, while still serving.

But it’s more than that for me. I think I do a pretty decent job staying out of doormat-land. I am working on that standing up part, though – not to other people, necessarily, but for myself – to myself. Believing in myself, I guess. Some say that bravery is not being unafraid, but rather, being afraid and doing it anyway. It doesn’t take courage to do something you’re not afraid of.

And sometimes selflessness is bravery – in the books, being willing to sacrifice one’s life for others is both brave and selfless. The trouble, for me, with selflessness, if forgetting about my self. Not taking care of my self, doing for others instead of myself. Not because they don’t care about me, or don’t want me to think of myself, but because I put them first, instead of myself.

I forget to think, what do I want to do? What is good for me in this situation? I’m getting better at it, day by day. I’m taking better care of me, and not getting down on myself when I forget to. I have people around me that love me, who do their best to make sure I’m thinking of myself, too, when they ask me to do something.

What faction would I choose? All of them – I want to be brave, selfless, honest, happy, and intelligent. Because all of those things together is what make humanity great.

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Unformed Thoughts

January 28th, 2016

Had various ideas floating around my head this week, but they never crystallized and most of them have wandered off again. Wednesday nights are picking up again – we had a good crowd last night. Still not a lot of practicing going on, but there was more this week.

Winter Wickedness is next weekend. Very much looking forward to that, though not a lot of solid plans, yet. Looking forward to Deadpool in a couple weeks.

Thought about grabbing a list writing prompt thing to do, but didn’t find one I liked. Thought about writing another erotica, but I didn’t have a new idea, and feel silly writing the same things over and over.

It’s a new year, but I’m still in limbo, but a more hopeful limbo at this point. Life is crazy and full of change. I enjoy the things I have, am grateful for all the love in my life, and look forward to new experiences.

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Between Times

May 20th, 2013

What happens in the between times? In those times when you’re waiting for things to happen? What do you between big events? Between date nights? Between emails or phone calls or texts? Between work days? This is the time when you’re just you. You’re alone with yourself. What do you do?

I’ve been playing games lately. Brain games. Logic puzzles. Word games. Crossword puzzles. I’ve been listening to Nerdist podcasts, and watching comics on Youtube. Trying to engage my brain, because I feel old. Too old to be going back to college anyway. It’s grad school, so it’s different, I try to tell myself. Plenty of my friends are back in school these days, I say. But I worry that I won’t be good enough, that I’m not book smart enough anymore. That I have lost my work ethic after ten years in retail. So, I challenge myself, exercise the brain, and my attention span.

I also gather material for a research project of my own. To practice my ‘research’ skills, and my paper writing skills. Because I never really liked doing that in the first place. Reports and papers were the tiresome necessity of school. Whenever I could, I made them creative projects, instead of dry, factual accounts. And that’s okay, so long as you still fulfill the assignment criteria, and your professor is on board with it. This project that I’m doing for myself, and for anyone who ends up wanting to read it, will not be dry and run of the mill, I hope it will be creative and entertaining. Right at the moment, I’m waiting for a 3-hole punch, which seems silly, and highly procrastinatory of me. But I wasn’t planning on being home tonight, and I was planning on having that 3-hole punch already.

This is exactly why I worry about going back to school. But I haven’t set deadlines, and I’m better at other people’s deadlines anyway. So, I’m not really ‘behind’ on it, at least not until I actually start writing it, anyway. Or taking notes or something other than printing out reams of my past writings. It isn’t even summer, yet. Not really, not even past Memorial Day til next week. Plenty of time to get started and create deadlines and meet them. So I say.

I’m between times right now. A weekend of events behind me, a big weekend ahead of me. Application submitted, but not accepted. Plans in the works, but not to be enacted until the end of July/beginning of August. Now have six applications in with the library system. Waiting to hear back, never heard back from the first application I sent to them. So much to do this week, not sure there will be time for us. Should have gone out tonight, but waiting instead. Relaxing with these thoughts.

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The Only Constant is Change

June 7th, 2012

Lots of stuff on my mind today. I’ll break it up into two short posts and one long post.

First things first. I now have all my ebooks up on the Erotica Collections Page. And they are all available in print over at HP Magcloud. I’ll be doing an anthology of all of them soon, as well.

I sent an email to my best friend this week entitled: The only constant is change. Things are changing in my world again, and not all of it is mine to tell. So, I’ll stick to what is. Schedules have been rearranged and I’m back to my old night with him. I always liked the reasoning for having had that night. Go home with him after playing at practice. And I agree, that some nights, having to go home to an empty bed has been quite hard. So, that will be nice to have again.

It also means a night to myself once a week (and one for himself, too). Which I haven’t had in quite some time. I’m told this is bad(that I haven’t had one). I know I’m not taking care of myself as well as I should be. Sure, I have tons of time alone during the week, when I’m not working on a day. But I generally spend that time on the computer and/or in front of the TV. And while this is fun, and productive, it’s not especially healthy, or care-taking. So, my plan, as of now, is to spend time taking care of myself. To spend time walking around in parks out of doors. To take a few bubble baths. To find somewhere I can go stargazing. To relax, unplug and unwind.

I saw a meme the other day about things not to say to an artist. One of them was about how nice it must be not to have to work. I admit, I’m far more lazy than most artists, and with all the stress and crazy going on in my life, writing has been far harder than it ought to be, and I’m doing far less that I want to be. So, I’m hoping to find my center again, and get the creative juices flowing more easily. As well as, have more energy to put into my relationships, and life in general.

 

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Lifetime of Learning

May 24th, 2012

He’s going away for the long weekend, and may not even be home for an extra day after that. So, I was thinking, what can I do while he’s gone? I’ll be spending some of that time with hubby, but not all of it, he still has his girl and friends to take care of. Sometimes I want to ask him “What can I do for you while you’re away?” but most of my service for him is in person stuff. So figure I should come up with my own things. Then I remembered the GRUE and all those people teaching their passions. And I realized what was odd to me, I didn’t go to the classes, except bootblacking. Was there nothing there that interested me? Nothing I wanted to learn? I don’t even know what all the classes were, so intent was I upon my purpose, so I’m going to say no, it was just I had other things in mind. But that leads me to my point. What do I want to learn?

Heading into the GRUE, I had some rope questions I wanted answered. How to tie thin hair? How to tie a Solomon bar cuff? How in the world all these random knots I learned can actually be used in bondage, as opposed to rock climbing/sailing? So, that’s a place to start. One of the hair tie suggestions at the GRUE was hemostats in the hair, and then tie to those. Others I’ve seen are tie into buns, or behind ponytail wraps. The Solomon bar has lots of good examples online, I just need to practice. And get the correct length ropes to do the cuffs with (11′ and 6′ I think). The knots? Well, that’s something to research.

But what else? What haven’t I tried that I want to? What scares me? What intrigues me? What do I not understand? What have we had a class on that I still want to do? What haven’t we had a class on yet? There is so much out there, I know there will always be more to learn. (And I have just learned that Fetlife fetish lists are a little annoying to edit if it’s not on the bulk list.) So, research project number two for this weekend: a curious about fetish list, with any necessary research on the hows and whats, with notations on the type of interest: scary, intriguing, confused, or aroused.

Brain just ran off in an odd direction. If you’re a regular reader, you know that an interrogation scene is one of those someday dreams I have. But I was just thinking about Strangeland, and the thought occurred to me: What’s worse than an interrogation scene – a torture scene. It’s like an interrogation, but there is no way to end it. They aren’t after anything, there’s nothing you can give them to make them stop. You can’t give the right answer, or tell them the secret, they are just doing it because they enjoy it. They might have some end in mind, or a set of things they want to do, but you never know. And none of it is being done for your enjoyment, only theirs. That’s the biggest kicker, I think.

Anyway. So, learning and trying new things. I think that would be a good way to spend my weekend, finding out about all there is yet to learn and try and do. And maybe also make a list of all the things I already enjoy and why. I like lists, but I like writing even more.

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The Writing on My Thighs

March 17th, 2011

What’s really there is that I have an awesome boyfriend who loves me, who trusts me, and who wants to continue our journey together, in life and in kink.

What’s really there is several new paths we are taking, one including an awesome woman who has decided to be our toy.

What’s really there is stressful work and health situations that are not who we are, but simply things we are doing and dealing with.

What’s really there is drama in our worlds and families that we need to deal with and solve together, supporting each other.

What’s really there is amazing opportunities for love and companionship and play and fun together, that I never would have thought possible five years ago.

 

These sentences are currently written on my thighs. I wrote them in a chat yesterday, and we decided I ought to write them on myself for a little while. “Until the message sinks in,” you might say. I need practice focusing on the positive. I need to not let the negative build up and build up, because “it’s just a little thing,” until it becomes a whirlwind of fear, doubt and crazy. I’m a writer, a good thing, but also bad. I write stories in my head, make assumptions, fill in the blanks. I live inside my head a little too much. I need to remember there are other people out there, often right beside me, who have the real answers, the actual truth of the matter, and sometimes, a far better grip on reality than the tangled mess I sometimes get myself into. Speculative fiction is awesome to write and sell and share, but reality is strange enough without me getting creative on it.

So, lesson of the week: Communicate!

How many times have I written about communication? And yet…

Things are far easier to deal with and discount and conquer when they are small. And nothing is too small to mention. A grain of sand creates a pearl, but a fleck of metal can blind you and a single spark can burn down a forest. He is good at noticing when something is wrong or off, but I am not always so good at realizing he is right. So, communication. Don’t dismiss it when he questions, really look and try to shake loose the thought that is keeping me off balance by hiding in the corner. Life is always crazy and busy and stressful, but letting things bottle and build up is only going to make things worse. Explosions are far more damaging than a firecracker. Just don’t hang on too tight, toss it up in the air and see what it looks like in the light.

 

I am loved. I am wanted. I am needed. I am worthy.

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Mistakes, Punishment & Service

February 17th, 2011

My Four Mistakes

1. I did not wear a skirt when I went over to his house last Tuesday. In fact, I wore jeans. Excuses, excuses, excuses. I did not wear a skirt, as I had agreed to do, and failing a skirt, shorts, in his presence. This was a promise I made to him, quite a long time ago. And this was the second time I had broken that promise. Both times, I had excuses and distractions, but that does not change the facts. He asked me to wear skirts or shorts so that he could have easier access to things he might want. I agreed to wear skirts and shorts for him, to always be available for that access. It became a sign of my submission to him. Being ready and available to please him at any time. To forget, no matter what the reason, to not be aware enough of myself and my promise, is unacceptable. It is disrespectful of our bond and my gift of submission to him.

To correct this mistake and keep it from happening in future, I have chosen a skirt to keep in the car at all times. It is shorter than my usual skirts, but still appropriate for wear around other people and in vanilla settings. It is a skirt I don’t mind wearing, but it is not my preferred skirt, so it will allow me to keep my promise, and remind me to be fully conscious of my choice of clothing.

2. I did not text him when I got home last Thursday. More excuses that do not matter. I know it is the rule, and it has a very solid basis in history, both his own personal history, and in our personal history. He wants to know I have gotten home safely, and I have agreed to let him know that. There are even nights when I haven’t been with him that I text to let him know I’ve gotten home safely so he does not worry. I often ask others to do the same and have recently started teaching our Toy this habit as well. I often get on Hubby’s case to let me know where he is at and I understand the worry, though not with the keenness his past has sharpened it to. Driving anywhere is always taking a risk that something might happen along the way.

To correct this mistake and keep it from happening in future, I will let go of the various things that caused excuses in my brain. Daylight or early evening is not an exception. Not playing is not an exception. Whenever I leave his presence, I will let him know when I have arrived at my destination, regardless of situation, time or place.

3. I did not follow a direct order. He told me to take off her pants and I hesitated and hemmed and hawed and used her as an excuse. He even said I was getting in trouble the more I hesitated, and I did not act. He told her I was getting in trouble, and I was still negotiating the order with her. Eventually, when a solution seemed to be reached, I did take her away and get her changed out of her pants, but I still did not take them off myself. I was acting as a buffer to her comfort levels, instead of doing as I was told.

To correct this mistake and keep it from happening in future, I will remember that she is responsible for herself, and while it is our agreement to protect her, I am also to do as I am told. She has full capability to take care of herself and stand up for herself, I must allow her to do so and not do it for her.

4. I took the cuffs off her without permission. No excuses, no demurring, I did not have permission to remove the cuffs he instructed me to put on her only minutes before. He had, in effect, put them in place, and I removed them. Putting them back on correctly makes no never mind, I took them off without asking. He bound her and I undid that. She is our toy, but the bondage, in that instance, was to him.

To correct this mistake and keep it from happening in future, I will be more aware of what I am doing for myself, for us, and what I am doing on his behalf. I will be more aware of the bonds of bondage and respectful of undoing them. I will be mindful of asking to undo things he has done, or asking to stop doing something he has begun.

Punishment and Service

I speak above about how I am going to avoid making these mistakes in future. But that is for me, that is my process. For him, I must not only correct my behavior, but also make up for these mistakes. It sets my mind running, thinking of what to offer him for these infractions. I have warring feelings of guilt and a desire to please. I know he likes to receive service, but I feel a selfish want to be punished. There are also complications of health, situation and timing, and our new toy to consider. I also do enjoy the punishment fitting the crime.

It took me a while to break the cycle of feeling pain must be involved or offered. It took him being blunt and throwing it in my face for me to realize that I had to stop. Sometimes punishments include pain, but in this case, it was not on the table. My masochism was not to be fed, my guilt was not to be relieved through physical catharsis. To truly make up for my mistakes, I need to be selfless and offer service to him, not ask him to do something for me.

I also got spun around on writing as penance. I would write about my mistakes and read it aloud to remind myself not to repeat them again. But this is hardly punishment for a writer, this is what I do. And it doesn’t really work all that well, as may be evidenced by my repeated attempts last year to stop making the same mistakes over and over again. Writing, as he pointed out, is good for reflection, but does not punish or correct mistakes. It does help me to make plans though, and that is good, but not what I need to offer to him.

And so I began again, for a third time, to think of service to offer him. To think of things he would like, that I could do for him, that would match up to the mistakes I made. Things I could do with Toy’s assistance, as well, because two of them involved her, and perhaps it would help her, as well as entertain him. Things that would not interrupt our evenings, but enhance them.

We are still negotiating the final details, but I have found my path again, with his guidance.

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Day Thirty – Free Write

January 30th, 2011

Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

I do this every week, so check out my blog in general for whatever I wanted to write about. Click a tag that interests you, or one of my vague categories. Enjoy your stay, comment on something, or just take a look around.

My 30 Days of Kink

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