Not Just a Masochist

November 7th, 2016

I’ve talked about my masochism many times before. About how it’s not just about pain, but “intense sensation.” Especially controlled, intentional, intense sensation. I’ve talked about my RA, and how that pain is unwelcome, unsexy, and uncontrolled. I’ve talked about pleasurable stimuli, as well as painful stimuli.

Sometimes, though, it doesn’t even have to be intense. Light fingertips on my skin. Warm hands stroking my body. Whispers of breath on my neck. Lube rubbed over latex clothing. Rope pulled across skin, or wrapped around limbs. I like sensations.

But not just sensations. I, like most people, am far more complex than a single kink, or even two, or three.

I like power exchange. The way he can just look and point. Or grab me by the hair. Or smack my face. And I’m there, reeling into subspace.

I like roleplay. School girl, vampire, predator/prey. Fulfilling deep hidden desires as someone, something, else.

I like sex. Teasing, toying, hands, mouths, bodies, hours long sex.

I like bondage. Take down ties, corsets and clothing, prisoner ties, eeling, transitions, suspensions, flying, experimentation, encasement. With leather, metal, ropes, saran wrap, duct tape.

I like fear. Playing with breath play, needles, stun guns, sparklers.

And many more.

Sure, some of these things have the intensity in them, too. Though, not all, not always. Sometimes it’s about relaxing, spacing out. Letting go of the “real world” and delving into yourself, or each other. Making those connections that keep us grounded, secure, and happy. Or making connections that send us soaring into the sky, if only in those moments.

There’s no reason in this world to be just one thing. Be everything you want to be, everything you can dream.

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Consent, Sexual Assault, and Rape Fantasies

November 4th, 2016

I’ve talked about this before, and I’m sure I’ll continue talking about it forever. I saw this article the other day: http://www.cracked.com/blog/how-men-are-trained-to-think-sexual-assault-no-big-deal/ and it was, IMHO, really well written. It talks about how the media shows male aggression as the path to love, it talks about the sexualization of women and their bodies, it talks about rapey movie heroes, and it even talks about the idea of the sin of extra-(or pre)marital sex making all sexual acts (outside a marriage) bad, regardless of consent. Honestly, this last part, is the basis of many of my school-girl fantasies – the idea of being a “naughty girl” (thanks, religious upbringing).

But let’s talk about the rest, too. The article was written about how men are trained, but women are watching the same things. We are being taught some of the same “lessons” about how relationships work. We are taught that aggressively strong men are sexy, that pushing our boundaries is what men do to get our attention and our love. We are taught that (sexual) violence is “just what men do” when they are interested in us. Either fighting each other, or pushing themselves on us, or playground bullying played off as affection. That our bodies are their rewards, but only if we’re beautiful, for whatever their definition of beautiful is. That strong men don’t ask permission, don’t ask for consent, they take.

And here’s where it gets complicated. I like that feeling – of being taken, of being prey to his predator. But here’s what’s NOT complicated – I only want to be taken by those I want to be taken by. I want them to ask for my Consent, I want them to make Me ask them, beg them. In many of those fantasies I write in my head while masturbating late at night – even my rape fantasies, when they’re longer than a quickie – the attacker makes me ask for it. I could write a few of those up, but I always find it strange to put them on paper, as though others would not understand. Because they are still rape fantasies, because forced consent is not really consent. But they’re my fantasies, dammit, they’re not real, they’re stories. Ah, cognitive dissonance. My schoolgirl fantasies, aside from the naughty part, the “teacher” always makes me ask for, or offer, the sexual favors. Always makes me say Yes, this is what I want. My partner likes to have me ask him to do things, tell him what I want. And it turns me on too – especially when I ask him to take me.

The difference between sexual assault and consensual sexual aggression is just that – Consent. Even in a relationship, even in a marriage, even in a swinger club – Consent is the difference between assault and fun. And not coerced, fearful, forced, or impaired consent. Eager, active, joyful consent.

Yes, I’d like a cup of tea now, thank you.

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Do you Really want me to Scream your Name?

November 2nd, 2016

I really like words. Half my fantasies start with describing sexual misbehavior, or threats, or instructions, or verbal seductions. I really like talking about what I like or want to do, despite my utter shyness in doing so, it really turns me on. But screaming his name in the throes of passion?

I see it on TV and in Movies – lovers calling out the name of their partners. It is prevalent enough to even be the basis of jokes – calling out the wrong name in the midst of passion. I’ve never done this – not called out the wrong name, but called out any Name during sex due to the intensity of passion. Due to my fetish for orgasm control, I have called out Sir or Master, in concert with begging for permission to orgasm, or to thank him for said orgasm. But I have never, while having sex, simply turned my moans or groans into his actual name.

It was a desire expressed by my sexual partner recently, during sex. Said once, and while not ignored by me, I wasn’t sure how to respond. And he did not say it more than once, and the desire was not discussed further. After, however, in the following days, my brain started tossing it around, thinking about how I felt about it. And mostly, there was confusion.

I have a thing with Names. Names have power to me. Not just the “oh, she said your full name, you must be in trouble” kind of power. I’m not sure how to express it, but to me, hearing “I love you” feels different than hearing “I love you, ____.”  Starting a sentence with my name, in any tone but casual catches my heart or tightens my stomach (depending on the tone).

On the BDSM side of things, with my boyfriend – he uses his real name as a safeword for us. A mental safeword – if I say his real name, it is stronger than a Red – something is breaking inside of me, not just on the physical plane. So, calling out a real name while playing has that baggage, too.

It was strange to me to consider calling out my sexual partner’s name in the heat of passion. He likes my moans and groans and squeaks and such. They are pure and honest reactions to what we are doing. To call out his name would take real, concentrated effort. Not that he isn’t worth that effort, but it’s something I would need to prepare my brain to do beforehand. A script to implant, code to rewrite.

So, it is a discussion to be had, and an understanding to create. If it is what he truly desires, then it is certainly something I can work on for him.

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April Fools Day

April 1st, 2016

I’ve seen a few amusing stories today, a few good memes, and the usual roundup of new, amusing products from ThinkGeek. I don’t know that I’ve ever really taken this day to heart. I’m not a practical joker, I’m just sarcastic. But I noticed I haven’t posted in a while, so I figured, day aside, why not?

The new job(s) are filling my weekdays, and starting Sunday, half my weekend, too. It will be very good for me, financially. But I’m still working on finding a work-life-food-sleep balance. This coming week will be my first full, six-day workweek. I’ve gotta do better at lunch.

On the kinky side of things. I keep having thoughts of stuff to write late at night, I try to put notes in my bedside notebook, but they don’t make as much sense in the morning light.

We’ve got Wednesday nights again, and we’ve had some good flogging and whip practice here and there. I’ve had a balloon bondage scene on the burner ever since Wickedness, but the young lady and I haven’t quite managed to sync up yet.

I had an awesome spanking/paddling with him this past FFF.  Another friend was down to visit and they played, and then he pulled me down over them both. It was a very good night. We had other friends come out, as well, and there were more snuggles and hair playing. Want more like that. 🙂

This weekend I’m up with the boy, for some nice naked time, relaxing, and orgasms. As we both work on convincing the other of his/her attractiveness. 😉

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e[Lust] #77

December 16th, 2015

The Other Livvy Elust Header
Photo courtesy of The Other Livvy

Welcome to Elust #77

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #78? Start with the rules, come back January 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

On the Island of Mhowra

Shoulder shaming?

What becomes of the broken hearted…

 

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

You can hear it in my voice.

Fingers – Please Fuck me With Just Them

~ Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
Don’t tell me sucking dick is easy
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Erotic Fiction

FFC #7 – TIME TRAVEL : STOCKINGS
Climbing The Corporate Ladder
A Love Letter From The Rebound Champion
Virgin Traffic Stop
A Desire To Be Watched
It’s just sex…
His Gift
Like Blue

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Virginity
V for *ahem* not me
The Lost and Found
Woman in Repose

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Amy Schumer’s: Sex Acts for Girls
James Deen, rapist?
The Trouble With “Lady Parts”

Erotic Non-Fiction

Camming On Halloween
Fresh From The Shower
Story Of Endless Love, or Just A Cold Cure?
Strap-on Fun
The moment
Bookends (side one)
“Ropes? There are ropes on this bed?”
Gawan: hands and mouth
Tremble

Poetry

Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark
“Longing” – From Coming Together: In Verse
Denial Denied

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Jessica Jones and Choice (Spoilers)
I want to be your submissive slut (sort of)
Memories of wax
Getting Stuck In a Rut and …
Primal Hunger. Owning It!

Blogging

The Whole Picture

Writing About Writing

Writing an Experience
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The Right Condom Size

November 6th, 2015

Found this post on Fetlife today, and I thought it was a good one, with important information.

OP: gutsyfish

A whole lot of guys, when it comes to condom size, are like a whole lot of women, when it comes to bra size. They complain it’s uncomfortable, but then don’t change the brand or size of the condom they’re buying. No one seems to want to actually measure themselves (with measuring tape instead of a ruler, so they can get the circumference and the length) or do any research. They just want to buy the brand they’ve always bought. Or they think about the length of the condom and don’t really consider that condoms come in different girths as well.

Some guys are probably wearing condoms that are too large around for them, but that doesn’t seem to be as widespread a phenomenon as larger guys who think they have average or small cocks (possibly because they’ve watched too much porn) and are trying to squeeze themselves into condoms that are just too small and then don’t understand why they can’t keep an erection while their cock is being strangled or why they still have skin exposed after rolling the condom down as far as it will go.

It’s important to pinch the very tip of the condom (at the part that looks a little like a nipple) while you’re unrolling it down the shaft, so no air gets trapped at the top, which is the most common cause of condom breakage. You or your partner should also hold the condom at the bottom ring as you pull out, so it doesn’t come off and stay inside your partner, especially if you don’t pull out as soon as you orgasm or if you are no longer completely erect when you pull out.

Here’s a list of condoms on the market right now arranged by length. They vary from just under seven inches to just over nine inches in length and their circumference varies from just over three inches to just over four inches (excluding the female condom, which has a much larger circumference since it is not made to be worn externally).

(The condoms with an astrix next to them are non-latex.)

6.87″ long / 4.00″ around – Trustex Mint Non Lubricated
6.87″ long / 5.74″ around – FC2 Female Condom*
7.00″ long / 4.00″ around – Kameleon Tri-Color
7.37″ long / 5.00″ around – Trojan NaturaLamb*
7.50″ long / 3.74″ around – Fantasy Rainbow Colors
7.50″ long / 3.74″ around – Kimono MicroThin Large
7.50″ long / 3.74″ around – Kimono MicroThin Ultra Lube
7.62″ long / 3.74″ around – Durex Avanti Bare Latex
7.62″ long / 3.74″ around – Lifestyles THYN UltraGlide
7.62″ long / 3.74″ around – Trustex Mint Lubricated
7.62″ long / 4.00″ around – Durex High Sensation
7.62″ long / 4.00″ around – Trojan ENZ
7.62″ long / 4.00″ around – Trojan ENZ Non Lubricated
7.62″ long / 4.00″ around – Trustex Non Lubricated
7.75″ long / 3.50″ around – Caution Wear Iron Grip
7.75″ long / 3.88″ around – Durex Extra Sensitive Ribbed
7.75″ long / 3.88″ around – Durex Extra Sensitive
7.75″ long / 3.88″ around – Durex Real Feel*
7.75″ long / 3.88″ around – Okamoto Zero Zero Four (004)
7.75″ long / 4.00″ around – Trojan Bare Skin
7.75″ long / 4.00″ around – Contempo Bareback
7.87″ long / 3.60″ around – Lifestyles Snugger Fit
7.87″ long / 3.60″ around – Lifestyles Turbo
7.87″ long / 3.60″ around – Lifestyles Ultra Sensitive
7.87″ long / 3.60″ around – Lifestyles 3SUM
7.87″ long / 3.74″ around – Impulse Sweet Indulgence Flavors
7.87″ long / 3.74″ around – Durex Extra Strength
7.87″ long / 3.74″ around – Kimono Rainbow Colors
7.87″ long / 3.74″ around – Trustex Chocolate Flavored
7.87″ long / 3.74″ around – Beyond Seven Sheerlon
7.87″ long / 3.80″ around – Lifestyles WYLD
7.87″ long / 3.80″ around – LifeStyles SKYN Extra Lubricated*
7.87″ long / 3.80″ around – Lifestyles Non-Lubricated
7.87″ long / 3.80″ around – Lifestyles Ultra Lubricated
7.87″ long / 3.80″ around – Contempo Wet n Wild
7.87″ long / 4.00″ around – Trojan Ultra Thin w/ Spermicide
7.87″ long / 4.00″ around – Beyond Seven Studded
7.87″ long / 4.00″ around – Beyond Seven Aloe
7.87″ long / 4.00″ around – Trojan Class Act
7.87″ long / 4.00″ around – Durex Enhanced Pleasure
7.87″ long / 4.00″ around – Impulse Bare Pleasure
7.87″ long / 4.00″ around – Contempo Mega
7.87″ long / 4.00″ around – Lifestyles Kyng Ribbed
7.87″ long / 4.00″ around – Lifestyles Pleasure Shaped
7.87″ long / 4.00″ around – Lifestyles SKYN Intense Feel*
7.87″ long / 4.00″ around – Lifestyles Extra Strength
7.87″ long / 4.00″ around – Lifestyles KYNG Blue
7.87″ long / 4.00″ around – Lifestyles KYNG Gold
7.87″ long / 4.00″ around – Trustex Assorted Colors
7.87″ long / 4.00″ around – Lifestyles King Size XL
7.87″ long / 4.24″ around – Trojan Double Ecstasy
7.87″ long / 4.24″ around – Trojan Enz w/ Spermicide
7.87″ long / 4.24″ around – Trustex Extra Strength Vanilla
8.00″ long / 3.50″ around – LifeStyles Ultra Lube Plus
8.00″ long / 3.74″ around – Lifestyles Flavored
8.00″ long / 3.74″ around – Impulse Plum Crazy
8.00″ long / 3.74″ around – Lifestyles THYN
8.00″ long / 3.74″ around – Impulse Midnight Orchid
8.00″ long / 3.88″ around – Crown Skinless Skin
8.00″ long / 3.88″ around – Lifestyles Ribbed
8.00″ long / 4.00″ around – Caution Wear Mission 707 Studded
8.00″ long / 4.00″ around – Trustex Loves Sensitive
8.00″ long / 4.00″ around – Trojan Ultra Ribbed w/ Spermicide
8.00″ long / 4.00″ around – LifeStyles SKYN*
8.00″ long / 4.00″ around – Durex Intense Sensations
8.00″ long / 4.00″ around – Fantasy Lubricated
8.00″ long / 4.00″ around – Impulse Sweet Indulgence: Chocolate
8.00″ long / 4.00″ around – Lifestyles Tuxedo (Black)
8.00″ long / 4.00″ around – Lifestyles Midnight
8.00″ long / 4.00″ around – Lifestyles Ultra Thin
8.00″ long / 4.00″ around – Lifestyles Colors
8.00″ long / 4.00″ around – Lifestyles Everlast Intense
8.00″ long / 4.00″ around – Lifestyles Black Label
8.00″ long / 4.00″ around – Lifestyles Thryll
8.00″ long / 4.00″ around – Trojan Ultra Thin
8.00″ long / 4.24″ around – Durex Natural Feeling
8.00″ long / 4.24″ around – Trojan Her Pleasure w/ Spermicide
8.00″ long / 4.24″ around – Durex Pleasuremax
8.00″ long / 4.24″ around – Trojan Supra
8.00″ long / 4.24″ around – Trojan Extended Pleasure
8.00″ long / 4.24″ around – Trojan Bareskin Non-Latex Supra*
8.12″ long / 3.74″ around – Caution Wear CAMOX PPE
8.12″ long / 3.74″ around – Durex Performax
8.12″ long / 3.74″ around – Kimono MicroThin
8.12″ long / 3.74″ around – Kimono Thin
8.12″ long / 3.88″ around – Caution Wear Classic
8.12″ long / 3.88″ around – LifeStylesTHINZ Extreme
8.12″ long / 3.88″ around – LifeStyles Vibra-Ribbed
8.12″ long / 3.88″ around – Contempo Rough Rider Studded
8.12″ long / 3.88″ around – Caution Wear Black Ice
8.12″ long / 4.00″ around – Caution Wear Mission 701
8.12″ long / 4.00″ around – Fantasy Assorted Flavors
8.12″ long / 4.00″ around – Kimono MAXX
8.12″ long / 4.00″ around – Trojan Ultra Ribbed
8.12″ long / 4.00″ around – Trustex Extra Strength
8.12″ long / 4.00″ around – Trustex Dual Color
8.12″ long / 4.00″ around – Kimono Thin
8.12″ long / 4.24″ around – Trojan Magnum Ecstasy
8.12″ long / 4.24″ around – Trojan Her Pleasure Ecstasy
8.12″ long / 4.24″ around – Trojan Intense Ribbed
8.12″ long / 4.24″ around – Durex Performax Intense
8.12″ long / 4.24″ around – Trojan Magnum
8.12″ long / 4.50″ around – Trojan Magnum Ribbed
8.12″ long / 4.50″ around – Trojan Magnum Thin
8.25″ long / 3.74″ around – Impulse Pale Rider
8.25″ long / 3.74″ around – Trustex Lubricated
8.25″ long / 4.00″ around – Caution Wear Wild Rose
8.25″ long / 4.00″ around – Trustex Ribbed & Studded
8.25″ long / 4.00″ around – Lifestyles Fun Bumps
8.25″ long / 4.24″ around – Durex Rainbow Colors
8.25″ long / 4.24″ around – Durex Tropical
8.25″ long / 4.24″ around – Trojan Stimulations Ribbed Ecstasy
8.25″ long / 4.24″ around – Trojan Pure Ecstasy
8.25″ long / 4.24″ around – Trojan Her Pleasure Sensations
8.25″ long / 4.24″ around – Trojan Intense Ribbed
8.37″ long / 4.00″ around – Trojan Fire & Ice
8.37″ long / 4.00″ around – Trojan Charged
8.37″ long / 4.00″ around – Trojan Magnum XL
8.50″ long / 3.86″ around – Trojan Thintensity
8.50″ long / 4.00″ around – Durex Super Thin
8.50″ long / 4.00″ around – Kimono Textured Type E
8.50″ long / 4.00″ around – Night Light Glow in the Dark
8.50″ long / 4.24″ around – Trojan Magnum Fire & Ice
8.50″ long / 4.24″ around – Trojan Her Pleasure Warming
8.50″ long / 4.24″ around – Trojan Magnum Armour w/ Spermicide
8.62″ long / 4.00″ around – Lifestyles SKYN Large*
8.62″ long / 4.24″ around – Trojan Magnum Warming
8.62″ long / 4.24″ around – Trustex Extra Large
8.80″ long / 4.24″ around – Caution Wear Grande
8.80″ long / 4.24″ around – Trojan Fire & Ice Ecstasy
9.25″ long / 4.24″ around – Durex XXL

*I used the information from Condom Depot’s size chart to make this list, but simplified it and reconfigured it in a way that made it easier to read/use.

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION ABOUT CONDOM SIZES
The reason that there is not a wider range of sizes for condoms in the US is that, after the AIDs epidemic broke out, the FDA put stricter regulations in place on the manufacture of condoms and one of those regulations included the size condoms could be. This was because their testing machinery could only test condoms that were in a certain size range. These regulations are still in place today. Condoms in other countries come in a broader range of sizes, but are not allowed to be marketed in the US because of those FDA regulations.

Feel free to share any of this information on or off Fetlife.

 

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Sexy, and I Know It – So What?

October 18th, 2015

I wrote this week: “Full disclosure, in a world where women are treated as sex objects, telling me I’m sexy and turn you on isn’t as reassuring of my value to you as one might think.” Today, I wrote this post, including talking about words of affirmation as a love language. Then I read a post by someone who has a distaste for compliments of physical beauty. I also had conversation recently about sexual harassment and compliments. And was reminded of the West Wing episode where Sam complimented Ainsley and a temp got offended on her behalf.

Communication is complicated.

I enjoy being told I’m sexy and attractive. It’s a nice little boost sometimes. I like to know the people I’m attracted to are attracted to me, too. After all, it’s a bit awkward if they’re not. 😉 As long as someone isn’t being creepy, I don’t mind being told I’m hot, sexy, etc. and usually enjoy it.

But it does not sink deep. I do agree with the FL poster on one point, my physical body is not something I have control of, and so compliments of it only go so far. It is not me, not something I have done anything to create, other than not cutting my hair except for not-often-enough trims in the last seven years. I put no more effort into it than that and proper hygiene. So while I appreciate the compliments, it doesn’t mean as much as being appreciated for my mind and heart. The new boy commented recently, that men are often attracted to physical beauty, while women are often more interested what’s inside. (Yes, this is a generalization, and not the truth of everyone.) I think this correlates.

Another point on being called sexy, or being told I turn on the guy I’m with. It makes me blush, not because I don’t believe it, but because my sexuality is being pointed out, highlighted. What I hear is not ‘you are sexy,’ but ‘you are being actively sexy,” thanks to my upbringing where “good girls don’t act sexy.” Which triggers shyness and embarrassment. Which is also a turn on, sometimes.

Reminded of Polgara, and the description of a woman’s mind being a swirly complicated maze.

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This Body, This Thing

September 27th, 2015

This body, this thing. It is not who I am. I have hated it, fought it, loved it, ignored it, accepted it, objectified it, challenged it, pleased it, scolded it, pampered it, scratched it, coddled it, hid it, photographed it. Others have, too.

I am a girl. Society tells me all kinds of shit about this body. Hide it. Flaunt it. Work it. Feed it. Starve it. Clothe it. Disrobe it. Love it. Be ashamed of it. Use it. Offer it. Preserve it. Paint it. Drug it. Heal it. Abuse it. Fuck it.

I am a woman. This body, this thing. It makes me a target. For predators. For misogynists. For politicians. For entitled assholes. For those who think “she’s asking for it”, “she wants it”, “she doesn’t know what she wants.” And I’m told that it is my responsibility to stop them. Not their responsibility to stop themselves. I have to yell No loud enough. I have to fight them hard enough. Or else it is my fault.

I’ve never been raped, but I’ve been taken advantage of. This body, this thing has been used by those who didn’t ask first. Who I had not said yes to. Once, too young to understand. Later, I brushed it off – it’s not me, it’s just this body, this thing. Then I learned better.

So, I am a lot more guarded now. I am better aware of myself, my body, my sexuality. I stay away from those situations where I’m not in control. I speak up for myself, now. I am more careful about feeling obligated to touch or hug people. But mostly, I build walls, so they won’t think those things – “she wants it”, “she’s asking for it.” That makes it harder, though, when I do. Especially because I never want to be on the other side of the equation – assuming the other person wants it without them having explicitly said so.

This body, this thing – it matters. It is part of me. I do not have to use it to please others. It is my choice what I do with it. I am woman, I am human, I am afraid. But I will not let that fear control me. I will not let society make choices for me. This is My Body, My Thing, and I will do with it what pleases me.

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Love & Sex

August 3rd, 2015

Why don’t you want to have sex?

I have a lot of friends, and I flirt with many of them. Some of them I get physical with, either kissing or kink-wise. But I stopped having casual sex years ago, for a handful of reasons. I no longer have sex outside an established relationship.

This does not mean he has to call me girlfriend, or be madly in love with me. What it does mean is that we can’t be just friends. I need to have a deeper connection than that. I have to know that I mean more to him than that. He has to mean more to me than that.

In my poly world, it also means everyone involved has to be okay with it. It also means our connection has to be strong enough that he won’t ditch me at the slightest bit of metamour upset. And that she would not expect him to.

I need clear communication. I need emotional connection. I need security.

I play a long game. I had a lot of short relationships in college, but most of them continued long after they were over. I don’t stop loving people just because dating them didn’t work. So, if I am going to emotionally invest in someone, there has to be some investment in return.

Because I fall hard and deep. Because I am not afraid of pain, but I’d rather have joy. Because life is too short for one night stands, even when they are months in the making.

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50 Shades MST3K-style

February 15th, 2015

So, I went to see the premiere with 150+ members of the local community. And it was awesome. Not the movie, of course, but the experience. An entire theater of kinksters laughing, joking, and cat-calling our way through this terrible piece of writing turned B-movie.

And honestly, the movie wasn’t nearly as bad as I feared. I’ve never read the books, though I keep thinking about it. I have so much going on in my life, that I just don’t feel like taking that much time out to read them.

People were going on and on, all over social media about how terrible it is, and how abusive and rapey it is, and all of that. Given that it came out of Twilight fandom, I was not the least surprised by the obsessive stalkerness of Grey. But at least he was focused on having her consent to do things in the movie. That was nice. And while we made fun of his “flogging” and his “rope skills” and his choice of implements, the movie did a fair job of showing the ‘sensual side of kink.’  (Has ‘softer side of Sears’ in my head as I typed that.)

I do agree with one of the articles I skimmed today – presenting Grey’s kinkiness as him being “broken” and a result of his abusive early childhood does a great disservice to the idea that this lifestyle is healthy expression of our sexuality.

I was also a bit annoyed that a segment of the group I was sitting near seemed overly concerned with Ana’s body hair. So what if she doesn’t shave her pubic hair? Not everyone likes that look or feel.  I have waxed once or twice a year for the last couple years, but only for special events, and I’m not likely to do it again. Just seemed like an oddly judgmental thing for people to be focused on in an open-minded group focused on acceptance of all.

Ana’s character was hard to get a bead on. She wavered from clumsy, blushing virgin to strong, stand up for herself woman, to coy brat. Not that anyone is simple, but with all the other cliched one-dimensional characters in the movie, it was hard to figure out who she really was. I hear her inner monologue in the book was even worse, and am guessing that it was a very good thing it was left out of the movie. (Unlike Hunger Games, where it would have been very helpful for character development.)

So, not a terrible job, Hollywood. Given what you had to work with, you could have done so much worse.

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