Body Awareness

February 19th, 2018

I’ve been meaning to post for a couple weeks now, but Things keep happening that distract or exhaust me. I’m working on posting more, though, so, I’ve got a few minutes now. I’ll try to remember what I wanted to talk about.

I have gained weight in the past couple years. A lot of weight, for me. An increase of body weight by 33% or so. This has come with a lot of clothing fit issues, and frustrations. But that’s only relevant for this blog in that I need to buy new party clothes at some point. At Halloween, I solved this problem by cutting holes all over one dress so it fit me still. There was a necropolis theme, so I put a red fish net under that one so it looked interestingly red through the holes.

Anyway. That’s not what I wanted to talk about. Rope. Rope is what I wanted to talk about. My body has never really behaved itself in the more strenuous ties I enjoy, but I’ve pushed through, one way or another. We’ve adjusted things “because my arms are dumb,” but I’ve always been able to manage.

It’s different now. Partially because more joints are acting up, but also because thin ropes hurt more with my bigger body. There are certain ties that have always cut in harshly, but now they cut in even more. I’ve never had a flat stomach, but now the ropes roll even more.

I know there is nothing wrong with having a bigger body than I’ve had before. I’m approaching 40 after all. And there are ways to mitigate the bite – thicker ropes, more bands, different ties. I am lucky to have a rope top who is willing to make adjustments and learn new ties so that it works with my body.

We’ve been working lately on a no-arms butterfly chest harness by Gorgone, and it’s wonderful. We even dredged up an old MOco hip harness we learned a few years ago to deal with the lower half. Once we get it sorted again, I’m confident it’ll work, too. And I love that he is willing to do this, to work harder and through frustration to find ways to get me in the air. I’m so very grateful.

I, however, need to work harder to be aware of my body. To take care of my body, and to keep it in better shape to do the things I want to do. I’ve got an eeling class to bottom for next month, and while I was snarky at the top’s questioning of my ability, I am a bit nervous if my body will be compliant to my desires.

I can’t blame meds I stopped taking over a year ago. I can’t blame my disease for all the time I spend on the couch. I can’t blame finances for all the pasta and bread I eat. I can’t blame my jobs for “having no time” when I sit around watching Netflix. I have to be more active and aware of my body and it’s needs.

I keep track of the things I eat, and track of when I do healthy things. But I do not, often enough, use that collected information to institute change. I have added a small set of exercises to my routine, but they aren’t cardio. I’ve started skating, but only twice a month. I reward myself for eating veggies, but I just ignore it when I don’t, and I don’t pay attention to amount of veggies eaten.

Body awareness and acceptance does nothing if I don’t do anything about it. Doc appointment tomorrow, hopefully we can balance out my meds for a start. I can’t blame it all on the disease, but less pain will help my motivation.

Plans can be made, but I must also follow through. Not just wait for “it will be better when…”

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Self Care

January 17th, 2018

Self care isn’t just about eating right, exercising, and sleeping. It is also caring about your own happiness, and not staying in situations that make you miserable. It’s about speaking up for yourself and going after what you want. I am trying to do a better job of this (aren’t I always).

I most often find it hard in situations where I have a responsibility: to an SO, to a group, to friends. I feel like I must do the thing, even when I don’t want to. And I sometimes start to resent the thing and feelings of not wanting to grow even more. Yet, I continue to feel like I have to do it, especially if other people opt out, leaving myself and others to pick up the slack. They are doing what makes them happy, or what is right for their situation, but then, I feel like I cannot do the same.

These feelings are complicated by my Service relationship. He says none of us should do what doesn’t make us happy. That if we’re not enjoying the group/event, we don’t have to be there. But part of our relationship is me helping him with the group/event, my service is about making his life/job easier. I feel like, if I don’t go, I’m making his life/job harder. So, I write the story in my head that not going is a failure of service.

Also complicated because I want to spend time with him. If I don’t go, I don’t see him. If I don’t go, there’s no chance (however small) of playing or practicing rope with him. He has recently made more time for us to spend together on Monday afternoons, and I really appreciate that. It’s a different sort of time than event time, though.

Despite my two jobs, my life really is uncomplicated. I have no kids to take care of. my jobs are both day-time jobs, and one is incredibly flexible. I have a regular social schedule. Monday – Poly Family, Tuesday – Gaming, Wednesday – Kink Class/Practice. Monthly Kink Party (sometimes two nights). Monthly-ish Geek Party/Convention. Monthly Date Night. I have a really nice life.

I want to find a way to put the kink and the connection back into those weekly/monthly Kink events, because right now they just feel like work, and stressful, annoying work at that.

I think this is really the crux of it. I don’t have fun at these events anymore. For the monthly, I rush to get there, then I stress at who is doing what, and when, and who isn’t showing up. Then everyone asks me all the questions, because I’m the one who spends the whole night inactive, just watching over it all. And half the time, I then have to leave early because of Saturday morning work. On the weekly, I end up doing work because Life keeps happening to the official staff, and it’s not their fault, but I am put back in unhappy memories of being stuck at the door, unable to practice/play. Frustration levels rise.

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Wondering Woman

June 2nd, 2017

You know you’ve been away from your blog too long when you’ve missed five version updates of the CMS. It’s June already, and I’ve only made 4 posts this year. I am going to stop giving all the excuses of those posts. My heart just isn’t in it lately. My life is busy and crazy, and blogging has lost its shine. Even my weekly blog to my family missed a few posts in May. And it’s the only thing keeping me from the traditional weekly call at 4pm on Sunday.

I’m just home from watching Wonder Woman. I left work early so I could go see it before going to the bowling munch tonight, sure that it would be on everyone’s mind and lips. Went by myself, as is usual of late, and pondered the idea of a Movie Daddy… like a sugar daddy, only, he just takes me to the movies every week. <Smirk>

SPOILERS AHEAD….. Read the rest of this entry »

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2017 Has Begun

January 31st, 2017

I haven’t posted this month. I have reasons(excuses), but really, I just haven’t had the energy. I’ve had lots of ideas flitting through my head: in one hear, bouncing around for a few moments, and then slipping right out again before I got pen to paper. I should write things down faster, I guess. 😉

Most of my energy this month has gone to interviews, my chosen family, and politics. My gods, the politics. I don’t even want to get into all of that insanity. Not right now. Not here. I just wanted to let my readers know that I’m still here, and I’m still going to be writing.

Winter Wickedness is this weekend, and it’s the least prepared for a big event I’ve ever been. Ah well, it’ll be a casual one, I guess. I am planning on having one new outfit, possibly for the pirate theme, more likely not. We shall see how shopping goes.

With any luck, I’ll have plenty of fodder for posts next week. 🙂

 

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This Brain of Mine, it has a mind of its own

November 20th, 2016

That was not where I intended to take the previous post. But that is where it went. A lot of things have been going on, and I promised myself I would not censor this month. So, I let my fingers go where my exhausted brain directed. And I am pretty much exhausted, drained, and worn out.

But, for all of that, it has been a good weekend. I spent Friday night at the club, reaching out to teach the community about what it is that my crew offers, and helping provide a safe place for everyone to explore. I was present for a very moving Masters Capping ceremony. I got to spend time playing with him, and sharing love with my chosen family.

On Saturday, I got to spend a very nice night with my other chosen family. Sharing drinks, food, music, and laughter. As well as plenty of hugs, cuddles, kisses, nibbles, and yes, even the glitter of a metamour.  Today, there was open, honest, passionate conversation, for the coming together, and not just moving forward, but upward, towards building better things.

Work is going to suck tomorrow, but I spent the weekend doing what I love, with those that I love. Every minute, every smile, and every tear was worth it.

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Missing Days

November 18th, 2016

I keep missing days. This week has been especially bad for it. Stress and life keep be busy and distracted. Two jobs, a busy social schedule, and making/eating way too much food due to the above. I made a pretty decent dinner last night – chicken, veggies, and potatoes. All good. But then I made half an apple crisp (bread pan, not brownie pan)… and ate it all. Halloween was three weeks ago, but I’ve been eating chocolate almost every day since. And not just at work, but buying chocolate when my Mom visited, too. Bags of dark chocolate bark – on almonds and one pretzels. Delicious, I’ve gotta slow down, get back to dessert once a week. Unfortunately, we’re heading into the holidays – Thanksgiving next week, and Advent and Christmas after. And work is planning a “dessert potluck” at the beginning of December – as if we don’t have enough cakes and cookies there already. I may need to get a different job just to get away from all the sweets, let alone for financial reasons.

So, I’m missing days of writing, because I let myself get distracted. I moving so quickly through life, going from one thing to the next, that when I sit down at night, I just want to shut off. I’m feeling more forgetful, too. Leaving things places. Not remembering reminders I’ve been asked to give him. I put stuff in my phone, but it’s a flip-phone, so I have to remember to dig into the note file to see what I’m supposed to remember. It’s almost as bad as the Remembrall from Harry Potter.

None of this is helping all the feelings of insecurity and uncertainty. I try to set schedules to create a feeling of stability – but my body overrides it more than not. A job with flexible hours is great, but trying to convince an exhausted body to go in when I “really don’t have to” is, at times, impossible. I do better going when someone Else is expecting me (my regular boss, him, the gaming guys). Same way I am with studying. Sure, I love learning new things, but unless someone else is expecting an assignment turned in, I don’t prioritize it.

I’ve spent most of my life focused on making other people happy. Living up to the expectations of my parents, my teachers, my bosses, even my boyfriends. He has been very good at helping me remember to put some focus on myself, on creating health and happiness for me. But even that has an outward focus half the time – “cannot serve from an empty cup.” It isn’t for me, it’s so I can serve him. We often talk about how someone with a serious problem won’t change just because you want them to change. They have to want to change themselves.

Change is hard. I’ve made a lot of changes in my life over the past few years. Got a new degree, changed job fields, changed jobs, changed apartments, started seeing a new guy. Soon there will be a divorce. And soon there will be another job change. For someone who spent 13 years in one job, this has been a very stressful year – two internships, three jobs, and looking for a fourth. Trying to create a new “normal” for myself.

I did an experiment at the beginning of fall, to try to change some of my habits – create new habits. I bribed myself to do these things each day, with money I didn’t really have, but could find and reallocate to something “fun” for myself. It worked somewhat well for two months. But once stress reared up again, the habits disappeared. It made me a bit more aware of the bad habits I was trying to replace, but it has not continued to be much of a change. A tiny baby step in the right direction. I need to make more.

Winter is coming, and I’ve got to stay motivated. I’ve got to stop missing days, not just of writing, but productivity. I accomplished a good bit while Mom was in town, but as soon as she left, progress slowed to a crawl. I am important, I am worth the effort, I am “fantastic and wonderful” by his words this morning. Words I really needed to hear today. Words I need to believe in and act on.

I am very lucky in this life, to have this life. Full of love and friends and family. A job, an apartment, enough food, a car. I have the opportunity to follow my dreams and desires. I cannot let that go to waste. I will stop missing days, and live this life to the fullest.

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Thoughts Do Roll About

October 16th, 2016

I did a decent job of writing more in September, until I got swept up into my moving frenzy. Not on here, but for myself, that is. And it was good. But then I stopped again, full of things to do, and not making time for myself, other than binging on Netflix murder mystery shows. (Mom brought me up on Murder She Wrote, and it’s just spiraled from there.)

I have a lot of Stuff just floating around in my head. Thoughts that are no good for me, that I really should get out of there, and let go of. Thoughts of being unimportant, not good enough, of being a “single secondary” for the rest of my life. Thoughts that have no place in reality, but are so powerfully depressing, that some days, I just can’t shake them. I’m 36 years old, there is plenty of life left in me, and I have wonderful friends and family that love me. I have him, and I am part of his family, and he loves me. I have a sexual partner who cares for me, and enjoys spending time with me. And I have a life full of work and play and joy.

I am grateful for the things I have, and I am working towards the things I want to have. Even if that path is sometimes confusing, or covered in fog (which is often self-created). I will find it, and I will walk it. With love and support from all my friends and family.

 

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Oops

September 18th, 2016

Two weeks in, and I’ve already messed up at writing/posting more. I have my reasons and my excuses – moving, super stressful weekend last weekend, etc. etc. But those won’t solve anything. I even had things I wanted to write about last weekend. I don’t remember them now. It was the big event I didn’t go to last weekend, so there were things I wanted to say instead. I wish I had at least written them down. Ah well. It’s a new week, new things to say. In theory. 😉

I’m slowly working on tidying up. I’ve gone through clothes so far, sold a couple pieces and donated three bags, and thrown out another bag worth. Some of that my club/event clothes, or things that were pretending to be club/event clothes, that I never actually wore anymore. Getting rid of objects I don’t/won’t use anymore. The book I read says to keep only things that bring you joy. In order to create a home that fills you with joy. So, that’s my goal.

I want to create a home in my new place, that fills me with calm, joy, and creativity. I want it to be a space where I can (and want to) create many things – a new life, new writings, new projects, new relationships, and new bonds in current relationships.

Life can stagnate, if you let it. Working the same tired job, with the same tired attitude, doing the same things every day, every week. Losing sight of your dreams and your goals. Losing sight of the wide variety of experiences just waiting out there for you. But life is change, living is being in a constant state of change. Of learning, of experiencing, of doing.

I’ve been differently focused lately – focused on moving, on stresses, on things I don’t want to do. I even showed up in Pants on Friday night. The skirt and dress were right next to me in my bag, but my focus was on too many negative things, that I walked right up to him in jeans. He had to say something before I even realized what his expression meant.

He asked me whatever happened to “just do” and I made some smart-assed comment in reply. He had just found those paragraphs again while cleaning, and wanted to share it with me. (I just went looking for a post that included the paragraphs and could not find one, how odd.) And I walked up in Jeans. Yes, I definitely need to refocus.

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Events and Me Time

August 25th, 2016

COPE is coming up, but I’m not going this year. Too much tied up in moving house. Just can’t swing it this time. Which is a sad, for not getting to see friends, not getting to play with him, not having hot stories to tell after, not getting to sample classes from new presenters, no pile of meat Saturday night. But, it isn’t the first time I haven’t gone, and probably won’t be the last.

I’ve let myself get too wrapped up in everything. And pulled all the stress onto my shoulders and into my body. I have to focus on me for a little while. On getting ready to start a new chapter, on moving house, and rediscovering or recovering my passions. This is one of those passions I’ve let slide far too much. Social media is not really my bailiwick, I don’t know how to use Twitter to get followers, or interact with them, it just seems like there is too much noise, too much static there. I don’t know how to cut through it and connect, and let’s be honest, I don’t feel motivated to try. But writing, is. Writing about my journey, about my fun and my grief. Writing about my triumphs and my falls. Writing good stories, and meaningful (to me, at least) posts.

So, I’ve set some goals to recover my passions, and one of those is to write more every day, including at least one short story a week. I’m not going to promise they will all be for this site, but there will be some.

I had a really nice weekend. We had a hugely busy FFF this month, much bigger than we’d expected given attendance of late. And that was great, the fire class went well, and everyone had a good time. Also, he brought me fresh made rolls, Mmmmmm Tasty.

We also put on a Saturday party, or FFS. At which, I got to encourage a good friend to try out our Electric station, and our Fire station, both of which she very much enjoyed, and this made my heart happy – she does so much for our community, it’s nice to give back.

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Things I Want to Say

August 10th, 2016

I have things I want to say, things I want to post about. But I’m tired all the time, and I write them down, prompts for when I have more energy. But then, they don’t make as much sense, or they don’t seem as important. Or them seem too vulnerable a topic to put out in public space. At some point in the past, I didn’t care that this was public space – blogging for the world to see, mostly because I assumed that no one did see it. And that’s mostly true, still, my numbers are depressingly low for a blogger that’s been blogging this long, but they’re good enough for me, a few people visit every day, and that’s all I really need. Just enough for me to be sure this isn’t a hidden space, just enough for me to worry about being judged. Though not publicly, I hardly ever get any negative comments, or contradictory even. And yet…

Part of me wants to do another 30 days thing, to get my juices flowing, to get me back to posting. To get me back to making the time for writing. I’ve let the worries of the world, of money, of jobs, of moving, of health, beat me down into a little worker bee, doing all the needful things, but not doing the heartful things. The things that fill me up and move me forward into the world with happiness.

Which takes me to one of my topics. Abnegation versus Dauntless. I’ve been listening to the Divergent series audiobooks. I’ve only made it through the first two, because the third has a waitlist. But the main character’s struggle between selflessness and bravery is interesting to me. The other factions – knowledge, honesty, happiness – these are good traits, too, but they aren’t a struggle in my head. Bravery – in this internal struggle, is more about standing up, for myself, for others, instead of selflessness as standing back, doing what others want.

I’m not sure I’m explaining this well. In the D/s circles, there are discussions about doormats. One wants a submissive, not a doormat. Sometimes, it is a struggle between selflessness and doormatness – knowing where the line is, and having the bravery to stand up for oneself, while still serving.

But it’s more than that for me. I think I do a pretty decent job staying out of doormat-land. I am working on that standing up part, though – not to other people, necessarily, but for myself – to myself. Believing in myself, I guess. Some say that bravery is not being unafraid, but rather, being afraid and doing it anyway. It doesn’t take courage to do something you’re not afraid of.

And sometimes selflessness is bravery – in the books, being willing to sacrifice one’s life for others is both brave and selfless. The trouble, for me, with selflessness, if forgetting about my self. Not taking care of my self, doing for others instead of myself. Not because they don’t care about me, or don’t want me to think of myself, but because I put them first, instead of myself.

I forget to think, what do I want to do? What is good for me in this situation? I’m getting better at it, day by day. I’m taking better care of me, and not getting down on myself when I forget to. I have people around me that love me, who do their best to make sure I’m thinking of myself, too, when they ask me to do something.

What faction would I choose? All of them – I want to be brave, selfless, honest, happy, and intelligent. Because all of those things together is what make humanity great.

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