Between Times
May 20th, 2013
What happens in the between times? In those times when you’re waiting for things to happen? What do you between big events? Between date nights? Between emails or phone calls or texts? Between work days? This is the time when you’re just you. You’re alone with yourself. What do you do?
I’ve been playing games lately. Brain games. Logic puzzles. Word games. Crossword puzzles. I’ve been listening to Nerdist podcasts, and watching comics on Youtube. Trying to engage my brain, because I feel old. Too old to be going back to college anyway. It’s grad school, so it’s different, I try to tell myself. Plenty of my friends are back in school these days, I say. But I worry that I won’t be good enough, that I’m not book smart enough anymore. That I have lost my work ethic after ten years in retail. So, I challenge myself, exercise the brain, and my attention span.
I also gather material for a research project of my own. To practice my ‘research’ skills, and my paper writing skills. Because I never really liked doing that in the first place. Reports and papers were the tiresome necessity of school. Whenever I could, I made them creative projects, instead of dry, factual accounts. And that’s okay, so long as you still fulfill the assignment criteria, and your professor is on board with it. This project that I’m doing for myself, and for anyone who ends up wanting to read it, will not be dry and run of the mill, I hope it will be creative and entertaining. Right at the moment, I’m waiting for a 3-hole punch, which seems silly, and highly procrastinatory of me. But I wasn’t planning on being home tonight, and I was planning on having that 3-hole punch already.
This is exactly why I worry about going back to school. But I haven’t set deadlines, and I’m better at other people’s deadlines anyway. So, I’m not really ‘behind’ on it, at least not until I actually start writing it, anyway. Or taking notes or something other than printing out reams of my past writings. It isn’t even summer, yet. Not really, not even past Memorial Day til next week. Plenty of time to get started and create deadlines and meet them. So I say.
I’m between times right now. A weekend of events behind me, a big weekend ahead of me. Application submitted, but not accepted. Plans in the works, but not to be enacted until the end of July/beginning of August. Now have six applications in with the library system. Waiting to hear back, never heard back from the first application I sent to them. So much to do this week, not sure there will be time for us. Should have gone out tonight, but waiting instead. Relaxing with these thoughts.
Burn It Down (in my mind)
May 9th, 2013
Itchy, twitchy, brain all messy. Linkin Park on the mind. It’s hot and work has been rough this week. Lots of heavy lifting and rearranging of entire sections of the store. I can’t get my brain to settle down to write. I posted a couple poems other people wrote on my other blog. I watched Gone in 60 Seconds with my dinner and fell asleep during the final car chase. Woke myself back up to blog and my brain doesn’t want to cooperate.
So, what am I up to these days? Let’s start there. I have completed my application for grad school in Library and Information Sciences. Just waiting on the last transcript to be processed. I’m still trying to edit my erotica anthology, but my friends’ lives are all super busy, so editing is bogged down. I’m transcribing my journals and printing out blog posts, to work on a long nonfiction piece about poly, D/s and S&M. And I’m looking for a library job and a new apartment, with W/D hookups.
What else? I had a really nice flogging scene with him last night. The space rules kept it from being an all out cathartic screaming breakdown of a scene. But I stood up well, breathed through, found some good space. When I sat down to clean up, I had a nice cry, and a snuggle and grin from him. My back is all pretty and tender today. Had some trouble when he went after my breasts, I couldn’t keep my hands behind my back, they were so tender. I was either grabbing at his hands or trying to cover my mouth. He brought me to tears just pinching down solidly on a nipple for a half a minute or so.
Having personal space issues. Don’t want to be touched unless I want to be touched, if that makes sense. I don’t usually have personal space, but with some people I do. People I don’t like, people who creep me out, people I don’t know, or people I’m having a problem with. It’s my body, I don’t have to let you touch it just because you want to. Ask.
Still haven’t decided about COPE. It seems an odd thing to be considering without a partner going. Why not just save the money for something else? I probably will, but I do have friends going, and the classes are fun, usually. I don’t even know who’s going to be presenting this fall. Wonder if they’ll announce any before ticket sales. Probably some of the names, I imagine. In a weird place in life. So much changing.
Busy month ahead. Hanging with friends this weekend for geekery and birthday party. Next weekend is FFF with a class on Rape Play, then an Izzard themed party. The weekend after that is camping. I haven’t gone camping since high school. Need a sleeping bag, still. And lots of early morning working on the weekdays. Wohooooo…
Human Dignity
April 25th, 2013
I’m not a political person, but I’ve been watching a lot of West Wing dvds lately, and paying a little more attention to the news. You might have noticed from the last few weeks of links to articles, and the odd political rant or two. Maybe I’m just growing up. Maybe intolerance and hate has boiled to a point where I just can’t stand to be quiet any more. To let others do the talking for me, because I don’t like to talk. But I like to write, so why not write? So I’ve been writing, and linking to other peoples’ writings. I’m not an activist, but basic human dignity is something worth standing up for. The right to love, the right to live, the right to learn, and the right to truth. The right of everyone, to walk down the street unmolested, no matter their gender, sexuality, ethnicity, or clothing choices. How much more basic can we get? People bemoan the lost promises of the Jetsons, but if we can’t even treat one another with dignity, how are we going to come together to create the future?
We point fingers and blame easy targets. Westboro, Al-Qaeda, KKK, neo-nazis, fundamentalists of all shapes and sizes. But it isn’t just the big, organized hate groups that are the problem. It’s the jock bullying the recently outed gay kid. It’s the divisiveness in the LGBT community. It’s the false superiority of “twue doms” and “twue subs.” It’s the religion major standing on campus holding a “You Deserve to be Raped” sign. It’s abstinence-only “educators” who shame teenagers for having sexual urges at all. It’s a teacher being fired for her partner’s name being published in her mother’s obituary. It’s vigilantes going after peaceful Muslim communities after a tragedy. It is everyone who paints a community based on a single member.
Last night we talked about Leather. We talked about exclusiveness and inclusiveness. We talked about how protocols helped people feel like they had earned a place in the group. We talked about the other members feeling like that person cared enough to put in the effort. It takes work for a group of people to become a community, and for a community to become a family. But inclusiveness is good, too. Being open to new people, new ideas, is how we grow, and remain strong. If you try to keep people out, or set the bar too high, the group will grow old and die, with no fresh blood to keep it living. It is good to have like-minded people together, to support one another, just remember that other groups, other people, have just as much value. It isn’t about being better than, it’s about making everyone better, and the a world better place.
Pi Day Planning
March 14th, 2013
What to write tonight? It’s after 11 and I really have to go to bed, the next 36.5 hours are going to be rough. Work early in the morning, then rush around to get ready, pick up gear, set up for class and party, run electric scenes, clean up, go to work just a few hours after I get home, and then hopefully still be awake enough to drive home at 11am. The writing group is really not helpful for actual writing. Every week I’ve gone, I’ve taken something with me to write on, but nothing useful ever gets written. I wrote a few notes last week, an author’s name this week. One week, I wrote a tiny flash of a stun gun scene description, but it wasn’t much of anything. Damnable stun gun makes my brain go all wibbly. Did I mention he got one at WW? And there was much rejoi… whimpering. And cursing. And shaking and crying. Mmmm tasty.
Bootblack class last night. I really need to get some leather dust and acetone for my kit. I also really need to kidnap his boots so I can fix them up properly. I should probably work on my own boots soon, too. They’re all scuffed up and stuff. Oh, yeah, need the sole stuff, too. Make all the boots pretty again.
New projects in my head. Making the anthology into a real ebook, with proper editing, formatting and all that. I don’t do a whole lot of editing of my posts, especially scene descriptions, but I think I can really make some decent improvements if I just put my mind to it, with a little (lot, probably) help from my editorial friends. And format it a lot better instead of squishing it all together to make it fit in the least amount of pages, let alone taking them out of the chronological order of how they was posted. I only grouped them by topic, but I really think I could do it more cleanly with a little time and effort. Make it into an ebook people would actually want to share with friends.
Also thinking about putting together some of my more useful posts into an advice/poly/bdsm beginner ebook. Again, with the editing and adding to, and maybe even just taking the ideas, and fleshing them out into good chapters. That one is going to take a lot more work, and effort, but I think it could still be fun. Not a “here’s how you should do things” book, but more of a “what did I learn from the mistakes I’ve made” book. 
I sometimes feel like my blog posts aren’t… serious enough.. journalistic enough…? I’m not sure the right word. I just go off and ramble, and rarely stay strictly on topic enough that I would consider any of the quality that could be submitted to one of the many community-focused informational sites. So, I’d like to do a bit more focused writing for this project.
Third project in my head is a creating a fantasy novel with bsdm elements. But I feel like I need to read more of what is already out there, or at least become more aware of what is already out there, so I’m not just rewriting what everyone else has already written. I’ve only ever created one novel-length manuscript, and when I think of “romance” it always feels fake and false in my head. Not to mention, I have no idea what kind of plot I want to build it around. So that project is the furthest off in my head, but hanging around with the writing group has a least put it more solidly in my head as an idea.
Not to mention trying to get a real(full time) job, so I can finally achieve financial independence. And taking the time and space to be on my own and take care of me. It’s going to be an interesting year. I intend to make it an upward swing.
Tell Your Children They Are Beautiful
February 28th, 2013
Because you were frustrated with your diet
and I was 15 pounds heavier than you wanted to be
while you were another 50 beyond that
And it was a bad day
You told me I was fat
and I believed you.
Because no one had ever told me anything different
I believed you so hard
that years later
I would scoff at men who called me beautiful
I would roll my eyes and stick out my tongue
because I thought they were mocking me
I was not beautiful.
How could I be
You told me I was fat.
I cried the day I remembered this
Asked by one of those wonderful men
Who had told me I was ugly?
It was you, Mom
How could you
I am thirty-two years old
and you’ve still never told me
I am beautiful.
Because we don’t do that
in our family
it is vain to talk of beauty
I’m smart, isn’t that enough?
But I AM beautiful
And not just because those men have told me so
And shown me so
I am Beautiful
because I don’t believe you anymore
I know I am beautiful
Inside and out
because beauty isn’t about what other people think
It’s about how I feel about myself
I Am Beautiful
and I hope you know that
You are, Too.
(Reposted from FetLife)
To Heal
January 24th, 2013
Everything in chaos
The slightest sound, word, action
sets off the klaxon
Red alert
anger up
fighting again.
Space
Just give me space
I don’t want to be like this
Live like this
Feel like this
Time
I don’t know
how long I need
How long will it take
to repair the rawness
of nerves too exposed
To put the coat back on
the wall back up
Oh gods no,
please don’t put the wall
back up
I worked so hard
to tear it down
Just salve the nerves
Let them heal
Let peace return
to the meadow
Not a fortress
Love and peace
and kindness
Healing
Lay out in the sun
For as long as you need
But please don’t hide
behind the walls
Don’t build them up
and disappear
again
Looking for Concrete
January 8th, 2013
What is my endgame this year? Where do I want to be? What do I want to achieve?
Ex-Lover asked me to take 8 minutes and really visualize myself being in that space of having achieved my goals, after putting it on the calander. Select a concrete goal, set a deadline and visualize having achieved it.
But my goals from last week aren’t really concrete, that’s why he says they are more like resolutions, that’s what resolution means to him. Things you’re going to do, whereas goals are the end result. Where do I want my behavior changes to take me?
I have trouble with that. I think we all do. Defining success. Because we’re so afraid. Of failure. Of that success. Because if we can accomplish one thing, people are going to expect us to accomplish more. And if we don’t, well, then we’re useless failures. Right? No!
I set my resolution/goals at five aims. Write more erotica, experience new things, cherish what I have, take care of myself and grow stronger friendships. But where is it I want to be at the end of the year? I want to be successful, independant and fulfilled.
Okay, good start. But what does that really mean to me? What does that look like?
I’m a writer. I’ve wanted to be an author since freshman year of college. I have had short stories published here and there. I’ve been blogging here for a few years now. I put together some erotica collections last year. But what I really want, is to have a book out there, that people want to read so much, they’re not just willing, but happy to buy it. That, to me, is success.
I work non-commission retail, and have done for ten years now. These last three years have been averaging twenty hours or less a week, with no benefits. I am almost completely dependant on hubby for financial survival (for richer, for poorer, eh?), and health benefits. I have had other part-time jobs, and enjoyed them. I have looked for other employment, usually very specific ideas in my head, mostly unrealistic. This year, I am broadening my search, casting a wider net to find anything that would give me a decent salary, benefits and stability. I am not giving up the idea that it will be a job I like, there’s no point in getting new job that will crush me more than my current one, but I’m open to wider possibilities. Independance to me, is not basing my decisions on someone else’s income.
One left, fulfillment. This one is a bit more nebulous. It’s about not just settling for what I have, but being happy with it. It’s about searching out those things that I want and making them a healthy part of my life. It’s about having everything I need. It’s about continueing to grow. Fulfillment is living the life I want to have.
New Year’s Goals
January 3rd, 2013
It’s the New Year, 2013, and I promised I’d start posting regular posts again, after a very odd year end. So, how about I start with goals for the new year? I prefer goals to resolutions, no one ever keeps resolutions. And once they’re broken you’re done, goals you keep working towards, even if you fall down. What are my kinky goals?
One. To write more erotica. I want to write more fiction again, heck more non-fiction erotica, too, for that matter. I want to set up tracking on the free ebooks I’ve already posted, and create enough new pieces to publish new ebooks of never-before-seen stories. That doesn’t mean I won’t still post erotica here, but I want to do more than that this year.
Two. To experience new things. Isn’t this always the case? I want to do new things this year, explore areas I haven’t yet tried. Learn things I don’t yet know. I promised my best friend in high school that I’d try anything once, in kink it seems that you should try things twice, just in case. I should come up with a list of new things to try and post it soon.
Three. Cherish the things I already enjoy. There are so many things that we do that I already know I enjoy. I want to remember and cherish those things for the joy they always bring me. The freedom and security of rope. The chemical and emotional release of pain. The sensuality of bootlicking. The endorphins of fear. The serenity of kneeling. The fulfillment of service. And many others.
Four. Take care of myself. This is always a hard one for me. I spend so much focus taking care of everyone else, that I often put myself last (notice, that this one is number four…). I need to remember that I have needs and wants, too, and that they matter. I bought two bath bombs in the middle of last year, and I have not used either of them yet. I continue on in a job that I said five years ago, I didn’t want to stay in. I have tried many things that others said I should try, but have put less emphasis on trying the things I want to do. I need to remember to put myself first sometimes, or I’ll be useless to those around me.
Five. Make more kinky friends. I know a lot of people. I see them at groups, dinners and events. But I’m very quiet and introverted, so while I am friendly towards them, I wouldn’t say that many are close friends. This year, I would like to put more focus on making stronger friendships. I seem to have fallen into the trap of only really hanging out with my poly family, and this limits my social circle quite a bit. Even writing this one scares me. My introverted brain is already creating excuses as to why I can’t do this, but I’m going to try to ignore it, for my own sake.
I think that’s a good start. What about you, my readers, what are your kinky goals for 2013?
I’m Not an Artist, or It Would Be Better in Crayon
December 27th, 2012
This is my brain on scramble.
Christmas Crazies
December 21st, 2012
Sorry I’ve been so bad at posting lately. Holiday retail is taking its toll on me once again. 40 hours a week running and lifting and stocking is not being nice to my body or mind. I fell asleep last night at 5pm and didn’t get up until work this morning. And now I’m heading off to an End of the World Party through a snow storm. Great idea, eh? Ah well, work again tomorrow, too. So, while dinner is quickly boiling, how about a quick post?
Life is crazy as always, with the community currently focused on boundaries and leadership. I’ve tried to stay out of it all, except for my post earlier this month. My mom bought me a membership to a kinky convention for Christmas, but shhhh, don’t tell, she doesn’t know that. If my MIL sends me an Amazon giftcard, she might be buying me some new shinies, I haven’t fully decided yet.
Other than that, life is going along as usual. He and hubby and sundry are all doing fairly well, with the usual ups and downs with life, jobs and relationships. I’m probably going to make Modern Dungeon Quarterly an ezine as of January, with a site redesign and new submission guidelines. I don’t have the time, money and energy to keep the print going. I hope to be doing more webdesign work in the new year as well. We’ll see how that goes. 
A little hard to get mainstream work when half the sites I’ve designed(or more) are kinky. I’ll also get back to regular posts again soon, promise.