I wrote recently about Service not being my kink, about how it fulfills me rather than turning me on. Submission, on the other hand, turns me on quite a bit. Giving my power over to someone else for even a little while thrills me. But it is not for everyone.
This, of course, comes in different forms.
For Him, being in His service is part my submission to Him. While the acts of service are not arousing, being in the state of my submission to Him is. An odd line to draw, I’m sure, but it’s 2am, my heart is beating too fast, and my brain is noisy. I can be in his presence doing everyday things and not be aroused. But with the right look, tone, actions, or words and I can be right in it. We find it in scenes, too. Not always, but when done with intention.
With SF, my submission is in how we play, or more specifically, how we fuck. In “regular” kink scenes, it can be very top/bottom; fire, drumming, sensation, or electric. In more sexual scenes and sex itself, we tend towards more of a primal D/s dynamic. But outside of play/sex, we don’t have a power exchange relationship.
I have, and have had, folk who are effectively long distance play partners, without the use of so many words. Temporary power exchange has occasionally played a part in our interactions or scenes. And has certainly been part of the intoxication of it all. But it really depends on what we are doing, as to whether it is on the table and how much.
In pick-up play, though I don’t include submission, the dynamic sticks to a pretty neutral top/bottom or giver/receiver dynamic. This includes my occasional service topping. I’m not looking for the submissive hit in these types of play. Just the kink itself.
I’ve been craving sub space lately. My world is spinning well out of my control in a few spheres. My brain wants the comfort in Choosing to give up that power instead of just not having any control. I needed to write this to really think about where my submission lies. To think about what it means.
Sub space, in the context of this post, is not blissing out on rope or pain. To me, those are different things. Also things I crave, but not the point here. Sub space, for this post, is about blissing out in my submission. And, given everything right now, it is a very hard condition for me to achieve.
A very long time ago, I wrote on my thigh, in this blog, and eventually in my Submissive Book of Shadow and Light, the following:
“For him specifically, I will do without question and with no more thought than the action takes to follow through on. I will be intelligent, helpful, and provide the best service in all the ways my being can offer. I will not overthink, I will not cast doubt in myself, and I will not allow fear to consume me. For him I will do.”
There was a paragraph before that, but this is the one that is more relevant. It was for a different reason, back then, but today it speaks to me about being mindful in my submission. To find that space by letting go all the extraneous thoughts, doubts, and fears that fill my world outside my relationships and the moments we are sharing. Not all the time, but when we choose to go there together.
