I’ve been in the local community for something like 16 years at this point, and I’m still not great at asking for what I want. We’re back to monthly education parties, though He and I aren’t running them anymore, thank the gods. In the past year, I have almost every month, asked for play At the Event. This past week, I managed to ask a day ahead of time in Discord, so better, I guess.
WTF is up with that? It’s not taking Him and our play for granted, it’s me being stressed and busy and knowing He is stressed and busy. It’s a lot of feeling, not like it would be bothering Him to ask, but that neither of us will know what state we will be in come the event evening, and we’ll just do what we feel like in the moment. This works some of the time, but maybe isn’t the best way to respect His time when He has a handful of others asking for play, as well. Specific asks also help.
I asked for “stress-relieving play” because of blood family situations that have been, well, stressing me out a ton. That is not very specific so he asked for clarification. I gave a few options – impact, struggle rope, sense dep, acknowledging current physical issues which might limit those things. Then, dissembled to a few other, more silly, less intense options. I often do that, if I think I’ve asked for too much (see more on this later). He acknowledged and agreed we needed to be mindful in our play.
We ended up having a great scene. Tied me naked and securely to a spanking bench – wrists and chest. Then proceed to beat my ass with an assortment of stingy things, a small metal bat, and His hands. Less work than a heavy thud scene meant less stress on healing limbs. Also meant So Much Stingy! I had a lot of good screaming and struggle against the ropes. Because I was kneeling, I also didn’t have the trouble with overheating/hyperventilating. He was able to push me hard with the sting until I was good and toasty, then topped it off with a few bites. I’ve got a very happy bruised ass to take me through this week. A Delicious scene.
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For not quite a year, I’ve been thinking about doing more play with a couple that I’ve known for years. Not necessarily as a couple, but been thinking about seeing what could happen. Still volunteering at the monthly party, so a couple times, I’ve thought about approaching them there, but smoke drifting in from outside has often sent them home early, before my DM shift was over. At Tryst last year, I also thought about asking, but was very much in His service, and they often spent afternoons napping, which I didn’t want to interrupt. Naps are important! Also, I’m a vampire, I must be invited or I feel like I’m intruding.
These last couple months, my therapist has been encouraging me to take steps to strengthen my friendships. Spending more time with folks outside regularly scheduled events. So, I’ve hung out at their house a couple times. She insists I can come over any time I like without even asking, but see vampire comment above. This past weekend, we made bigger steps. I went over to hang out with a few of their friend group, but I was the only one there for more than dinner. Then I stayed up late with them watching CR and decided to spend the night on the couch instead of driving home, and ended up staying til almost eleven on Sunday evening.
She is very into cuddles, so we spent quite a lot of time snuggled up on the couch, with hair petting and napping. Being more forward than him, she also wrangled him into the cuddles, with us being on either side of him to both curl up on him. She and I had very frank discussions about my interest in playing and encouraged me to quite specifically tell him I wanted to play and how I wanted to play, and explained their current dynamics and partners. The three of us talked about things we like and how unused to negotiations we are. I did send him a FL mail in case written word is easier for him, as it Often is for me, to start the spark of negotiations.
Of course, cue the, was I too blunt, should I say something else, ask for simpler things, ramble and dissemble? Because he acknowledged receiving it just as he woke up Sunday, but did not respond as of yet (was groggy at the time, being before coffee). And still feeling this way after we even played Sunday evening, because insecurity is a bitch.
We had a lovely time with fire last night. She went first, him topping fire wanding, lots of cupping, and some drumming. I went next, him topping fire wanding on both sides of my body (I was vibrating and so very floaty), and then some cups on my problem shoulder and lower back areas. Followed by hugs and more sitting close on the couch so I would come back down, but not fall asleep as cuddling would have done. It was a very nice time.
So, next steps, actually negotiating play and seeing where it takes us.
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Final note on negotiations. I did also reach out to an occasional scene partner to ask to play next month. He was excited by the prospect, but once again, we haven’t actually negotiated. We tend more towards doing so in the moment. He asks me if there are any new health issues, and then we (generally) discuss what new toys he wants to hit me with. It works well, but I’m going to work on more communication ahead of time on this one, too.
There were also some simple biting negotiations this weekend. Told one friend that of she could bite me any time she needed/wanted to because she was hesitant when He told her she could. Also got a really nice bite from a bitey friend by simply saying “don’t tease, actually bite me!” when she play nibbled at my shirt.
All in all, I had a great weekend to bolster me up for what is to come.
