Late posting, as always, but hey. Gotta stick with tradition.
I started this blog on May 20th, 2009. I was 28 years old, married, and dating (my now ex) lover. Today I am divorced, and dating two men, one for over ten years, the other for around four years. My first club expience was ending, and the second was just in the planning stages. Now, everything is shut down for COVID, but we were running a club night once a quarter. During the first several years of this blog I was scening/playing at least four times a week. These days, I play once every couple months. I had planned for picking it back up a bit this year, but then COVID. I used to post every week. I’ve been doing better lately, but prior to the last month or two, less than once a month or even quarter.
But it’s not just about all that. I have grown and learned so very much in the last eleven years. About kink, poly, community, and myself. I don’t think I could even write it all down if I tried. I have learned about my kinks and my desires. I have learned not to be ashamed and that I am not alone. I have learned about loving myself and my body, though I struggle with that still. At least it isn’t on the daily anymore. I have learned to communicate better. I have learned to enjoy what I have and to strive for what I want. I’m still learning to ask, and to not feel like I’m bothering the person I’m asking. I still struggle with self-confidence, but it has gotten so much better.
I know people who have gone through more relationships in the past decade than I have in my entire life. But I’m slower to trust, slower to let people close. I stick with my relationships for a long time. In college, there were three I kept going back to. One of those is now my ex-husband. I stay too long, in some cases, but every one of them teaches me. About myself, about relationships, and about life. I still hold them in my heart, to one degree or another. They helped me become the person I am today.
Eleven years in this community, being part of and then helping to lead a group, has taught me way more than I ever thought I wanted to know about group politics. About herd mentality, and gossip, and predators. Every woman knows to keep an eye on the men near her, but I know more about how they operate in a community like mine, than I ever wanted to know. He used to ask “do you really want to remove that veil?” And I didn’t, but to support him, and our group, I had to. It helps keep me safe, and helps me keep my friends and chosen family safer. We all have to look out for each other.
Like many people, this was supposed to be The Year. The year to branch out. To go to events outside my backyard. To leave the city and travel and meet people. To play with new friends, to see new presenters, to learn new things. I got a little over-excited at the beginning of the year, with all the things, and the people. I don’t think everyone understood. I try too hard sometimes, get too excited. But COVID-19 nipped all that in the bud. Everything shut down. Every convention or event I planned to go to after February. All plans stopped short.
Things are “opening up” now. But event organizers know better. Gatherings like we go to, it’s still too risky. Big fan conventions know better. That many people could be devastating if even one of them arrives with the infection. Even if smaller events open up? I’m immunocompromised. My immune system is already insane, I don’t need to catch something that pushes it up even higher, and into the lungs. And everywhere else they haven’t quite figured out yet. I can’t risk it.
Right, that’s not where this post was supposed to go, but hey, when has that ever stopped me? Welcome to the new world!
