I hate public speaking.
I turned down a job I was told I’d almost certainly get because it involved the word faculty.
I ended up getting a job that still includes instruction, but only in one-offs, and only a few times a semester. It’s still more than I would like, but the students are as disinterested as I am half the time. The other half are training to be social workers, so they’re polite about my stumbling.
But teaching in the kink community is where I’m going with this.
I don’t teach kink classes, but I bottom for them. Rope classes, flogging classes, pressure point classes. I’ve assisted in violet wand classes, but he does most of the talking. I do talk about the bottom experience a bit during these, but I don’t count that as teaching.
Last night, we were preparing for a couple rope classes he’s teaching in the next few weeks. I have to know the ties so I can T.A the classes as well as bottom for them. We’ve got some A/V ideas, but in case they’re not helpful enough… But I’m still not teaching them, just helping.
I like helping. It’s more one-on-one. I do alright person to person. I can tutor. I show new crew how to use violet wands every year at Trauma. I quiz them on our safety questions, show them how to treat the boxes, and clean the gear.
It’s that standing up in front of people and being the “authority” that everyone is looking at and listening to and judging that I have a problem with. What if I say something wrong? Or stumble over my words? Or give accidental bad information? What if they don’t like what I say? Or don’t listen at all, ignoring me the whole time? What if they heckle or ask questions I don’t know the answer for? And round and round.
I’ve gotten over this at work, but the community is a different ball of wax. I’m not worried about our classes. He’s teaching them, I’m just the body and the assistant. But for one of them, I was asked for my bio, too. I’m not the teacher, I protested, and wrote it up from the POV of his assistant. With a little flare for my snark. I am my own person, but I’m not a Presenter. Do Not Want.
Not yet…
