Self care isn’t just about eating right, exercising, and sleeping. It is also caring about your own happiness, and not staying in situations that make you miserable. It’s about speaking up for yourself and going after what you want. I am trying to do a better job of this (aren’t I always).
I most often find it hard in situations where I have a responsibility: to an SO, to a group, to friends. I feel like I must do the thing, even when I don’t want to. And I sometimes start to resent the thing and feelings of not wanting to grow even more. Yet, I continue to feel like I have to do it, especially if other people opt out, leaving myself and others to pick up the slack. They are doing what makes them happy, or what is right for their situation, but then, I feel like I cannot do the same.
These feelings are complicated by my Service relationship. He says none of us should do what doesn’t make us happy. That if we’re not enjoying the group/event, we don’t have to be there. But part of our relationship is me helping him with the group/event, my service is about making his life/job easier. I feel like, if I don’t go, I’m making his life/job harder. So, I write the story in my head that not going is a failure of service.
Also complicated because I want to spend time with him. If I don’t go, I don’t see him. If I don’t go, there’s no chance (however small) of playing or practicing rope with him. He has recently made more time for us to spend together on Monday afternoons, and I really appreciate that. It’s a different sort of time than event time, though.
Despite my two jobs, my life really is uncomplicated. I have no kids to take care of. my jobs are both day-time jobs, and one is incredibly flexible. I have a regular social schedule. Monday – Poly Family, Tuesday – Gaming, Wednesday – Kink Class/Practice. Monthly Kink Party (sometimes two nights). Monthly-ish Geek Party/Convention. Monthly Date Night. I have a really nice life.
I want to find a way to put the kink and the connection back into those weekly/monthly Kink events, because right now they just feel like work, and stressful, annoying work at that.
I think this is really the crux of it. I don’t have fun at these events anymore. For the monthly, I rush to get there, then I stress at who is doing what, and when, and who isn’t showing up. Then everyone asks me all the questions, because I’m the one who spends the whole night inactive, just watching over it all. And half the time, I then have to leave early because of Saturday morning work. On the weekly, I end up doing work because Life keeps happening to the official staff, and it’s not their fault, but I am put back in unhappy memories of being stuck at the door, unable to practice/play. Frustration levels rise.
