Discovery

I’m 34 years old and I’ve just realized something new about myself. And I’ve always had a particularly odd kidnap fantasy. But I never really thought about it. A guy once told me it wasn’t sexual enough, or some such thing. And I shrugged, to each his own, but I still didn’t think about it. Yeah, I like the kidnap thing, the capture and bound thing. The stockholm syndrome thing. The rapey bits, too.

But there is something else about it, that I think is odd. Perhaps it isn’t, I don’t know, I don’t really talk to other girls about their fantasies. But I was running it in my head again this weekend. And a lightbulb went off, as my brain went back to my post about Titanic. I said it was the drawing scene that got me, but I didn’t really explain. At the time, I just thought, ya know, it’s really sexy to pose naked for an artist to draw, especially if you’re attracted to that artist. It’s a small scale power exchange.

But this weekend, I began to think on it more. My kidnap fantasies always include being forced to pose for a camera – pictures or video that the kidnappers are assumedly putting on the internet. Now, in the past, I have stopped working with a photographer whose aim was a pay to view site, not wanting to be a “porn star” and have rejected offers to be on clips for sale sites. But this fantasy, it’s about being forced, about the power being taken away from me.

I have always had the school girl fantasies, being told I’m a naughty girl and ought to be punished turns me on. So, I think this plays into that, too. Doing something naughty, dirty, and being forced to do it, under threat of violence. I long ago stopped trying to answer people asking, why do you like that, if they cannot understand. The simple answer is, because it turns me on.