So many thoughts in my head and things going on. The year of changes, I’ve been calling it.
Another blogger and friend has been writing lately about being herself, reclaiming herself, and not hiding behind the masks any longer. This got me thinking about me, how I behave, how I am now versus how I have been in the past.
Have I changed? Have I learned? Did I learn anything at all? Am I different? Or just living in a different structure? Am I being my own true self?
I look at where I am now, and it looks different than where I was five and a half years ago. But it also looks eerily similar. I have one stable relationship with the expectation for another at some point. There is much uncertainty where that is concerned, but a desire on both our parts for it to work, for the benefit of all. I have stepped through some uncertainty and insecurity, and am looking outward again. To my friends and chosen family. To making plans and having fun. To meeting new people and trying new things.
I have many bad habits I need to work on, and I see hints of others that I have not acknowledged before. Patterns I do not wish to repeat. Addictions that I must avoid (no, I don’t mean to avoid chocolate, ever). But I feel like I have learned and grown stronger. Hindsight is 20/20, but I’m hoping it will also help me see the traps before I fall into them again.
I am still me. I am not perfect and never want to be (okay, okay, I know I never will be). I am still exploring my path with no arbitrary restrictions. There are agreements in place, and lines of communication are open. I am learning to say why not, and honestly consider the answer. “I can’t” should not be an automatic response. I’ll start with “let me think about it,” and go from there to action.
Life is here to be lived. Joy to be found. And love to be shared. And each and every experience is unique. I am not here to hide, but to live a fabulous life full of love and joy and more. Carpe Diem, as they say.
