Sorry for all the mindless blather last month. I’m sure some of you liked it, but I’m equally sure some of you ignored it entirely after the first few posts, if that. I often comment here that I’m not good at social media. Really, I’m just not good at social in general. Interacting with a whole bunch of strangers is not really my thing. I like small groups of people I know. Which makes having started an anonymous blog seem like a very silly idea. But I wanted somewhere to write, without all the scrutiny. The blog has become less and less anonymous over the years, through my own efforts, as well as friends passing it along. And, given the low volume of comments, it is still pretty much low on the scrutiny. I do appreciate those who take the time to reply, but that’s not what this ramble is about.
Social ability. I’m not the creepy guy, or the stalker girl. I am the quiet one, the shy girl just watching from the edge. I’ve pushed myself to introduce myself to people at gatherings lately, but then I don’t know what to say once I’ve gotten (and forgotten) their names. I recently abandoned plans to go to a movie night because that many people in a small space seemed way too taxing, so I hung out with one person instead.
But even there I’m fairly hopeless. I hardly ever hang out with friends. My polycule, yes. Going to the regular events where crew is working/supporting, yes. Gaming once a week, yes. But hey let’s go to a movie, watch tv, or have dinner? Hardly ever. Ex-lover and I have lunch once a month or so. In six months, the blacksmith and I have managed dinner twice. Yes, I’m busy with work and school, but tonight I could have gone to a munch, a sangha, or a write-in, and instead, I stayed home.
I’d like to say it’s just a phase, trying to balance two classes, full-time hours, and a load of stress(insecurity, fear, frustration), but I’m kinda always like this. Though the desire to hermit is a bit stronger right now for all the above.
I’ve never really considered myself to have a fear of abandonment, but I’m starting to wonder. I moved around every five years or so growing up. Lost friends. I have three friends left from HS, but no one from grade school, and I really only talk to one of the HS friends on a regular basis. College, everyone moved to the four corners of the world, and though there are two right in town with me who I considered close, I really only talk to my best friend in England regularly. College relationships did what college relationships do, none lasting more than a few months. Heck, some of them were better After the break up. I am highly cynical of new people, trusting only superficially, waiting for that misstep, or for them to move right along.
I also think I’ve been watching too much Dexter. Comparing oneself and one’s relationships to a fictional serial killer and his friends and family, is probably not the best way to cheer yourself up. And for those who are also fans, I just finished season 4, so there’s that, too.
I’m not a bad person, I’m just struggling with relationships right now, and insecurity. They always say that you have a lot of people who call themselves friends, but true friends are few and far between. I am truly grateful for those few I have found so far.
The exact nature of our friendship is often difficult to define, given life circumstances. But I care about you very much and I am right there with you. More often than not I am faking it when I look at ease in public, and I hide the panic attacks and insecurity in the bathroom. It’s taxing on loved ones who know my reality and watch me recover in private. I feel pretty broken much of the time. But less sometimes. And Decter. Yea. That will screw with your head too. 🙂 hugs