I wrote five pages in my moleskine journal last night. I won’t be retyping it here. TL:DR – 1)I don’t need a Dom to make me feel weak and useless, my body does that already. 2)I don’t need a Dom to berate me and call me a worthless failure, my inner critic does just fine on its own. 3) The floor has nothing to hold on to. 4) The game was fun until he stopped playing, and I didn’t.
Still TL:DR? I am in a constant game of consentual non-consent humiliation play with myself.
I started off the morning thinking it was a nonconsentual game, but when I’m being honest with myself, I’m the one allowing it to happen. I’m the one who controls my feelings, who allows the negativity to creep in. I’m the one who falls down the rabbit hole instead of stepping over it. Part of me thinks my fascination with humiliation play was my way of trying to figure out how to deal with myself, but that level of self-awareness was not present at the time. BDSM activities can be therapuetic, but they should not be confused with therapy.
A couple months ago, I started writing a list of positive things on a page in my journal. A good idea at the time, but bad execution. I don’t read/write in the journal every day, and once I’d written past that page, I forgot about it. Today, I’m going to type up the list on that page, and leave the paper in the typewriter until it gets full. So I will see it every day, and add to it. When a page is full, I’m going to post it on my bedroom mirror, to keep reading every day, and start a new page in the typewriter.
After my RA breakdown, I went out and bought healthy foods, to take back control of how my body feels. The Heinlein-Robinson book(Variable Star) I’m reading gives the same recommendations that he and others have been giving me for years – exercise and meditation. Exercise does not just mean the heavy lifting I do at work, I need to make a conscious effort. I’ve been working on meditation more this year, and I need to keep at it. The book asks four important questions of the main character who has unthinkingly set off for a frontier planet: Who are you? What led you to this place? Where are you going? Why are you going there? Good questions, even if you aren’t bound for space.
TL:DR – I need to learn to say No to myself, or more specifically, my inner critic.
