Imp of the Perverse

July 4th, 2016

I don’t know if I’ve ever posted about my name. I’ve had this blog so long, it’s possible that I have, but something new brought it forward in my mind. I listened to Brimstone Angels by Erin Evans recently, and the devil in the story brought it forward in my mind. Not the magic he offers, or his violent temper, or even the care he develops for the main character, but her attraction to him, and her resistance of it.

I have a quote from E.A. Poe’s story, The Imp of the Perverse, on the sidebar of this website: “There is no passion in nature so demoniacally impatient, as that of him who, shuddering upon the edge of a precipice, thus meditates a plunge.” It’s a story about that little voice inside us, that urges us to jump. Urges us to Do The Thing, even though the rational, logical part of our brain says ‘no, it’s dangerous, it’ll kill you, don’t do it.’

I have that feeling a lot in my life. And I resist it a lot, too. Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it’s very hard. Sometimes I resist it just because the feeling is there, and it is so strong: I shouldn’t do the thing. Why? Because I want to do it so badly.

Does that even make sense to someone who isn’t me? Who wasn’t raised the way I was? Probably, a lot of people were raised this way. I was raised to resist temptation: “lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.” I was taught that temptation was evil, something to be avoided.

And so, sometimes, when I give into temptation, I do it with my eyes closed so tightly, that I trip and fall headlong down that cliff. Instead of walking in, eyes (and mind) wide open, so I can control my fall, or maybe even climb down carefully.

I’ve done this with relationships, over and over again. Jumped in headfirst, and hit rock bottom before I even knew I was falling. Some of these were shallow cliffs, with not very far too fall. Some of them, I’m still climbing out of.

I did this with him, too. Jumped in without looking, lost my way, took the wrong path, hit rock bottom. But he jumped in with me, and we helped each other back to our feet, and we still walk together, living our lives, and exploring other cliffs.

Sometimes, I miss my cliff-jumping days. Sometimes, I resent my carefulness, now. Sometimes, I get frustrated that bad-idea snacks are the one of the few temptations I give into anymore. Sometimes, I don’t want to be responsible, dependable, reliable. Some days, I just want to go be a librarian on the Galapagos Islands. Some days, I want to just get in my car and drive til I run out of money. Some days, I wonder if I could get people to pay me to drive around the country doing genealogical research for them. Or fly around the world, too. Some days, I don’t want to be careful, and thoughtful, and considerate. Some days, I just want to jump off a building and be Dauntless. (Guess what book I’m listening to, now.)

 

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Love and Fairness

April 10th, 2016

Recently, a friend posted about how all love is different. For instance, you love your mother differently than you love your child. Or you love your first boyfriend differently than you love your best friend. More specifically, she was addressing that in poly relationships (or any relationships, really), that you love each person you are involved with differently, because each person and each relationship is different. This post led to discussion from other posters about fairness, priorities, and value.

Whenever I hear the phrase “X is not fair,” I instinctively respond with Westley’s quote from The Princess Bride: “Life is not fair, Highness, anyone that tells you differently is selling something.” On the stage show, we often refer to “fair” as a dirty four-letter word. Life, love, work, play, nothing is “fair” for everyone, because resources are not infinite.

Love is love, it cannot be measured, weighed, or examined, it simply is, so I do not believe it can be judged “fair” or “unfair.” Actions may seem fair or unfair, and certain people may judge these actions and say that one would not act that way if they “really loved them.” Or others, I have seen, say it’s “unfair” that a person won’t give them a chance to love them. Let me state right up front here, I don’t believe anyone is ever obligated to “try to love” someone that do not wish to. Nor do I think that a person should be asked to “prove their love” in a way that harms another. So, I am proceeding with the understanding that “fair” does not apply to love, and that people have free choice.

So, let’s talk about priorities and value. People have priorities in life, and they place value upon a wide variety of things. Some poly relationships are described as Primary, Secondary, etc. and it seems to be understood that the Primary has top priority, Secondary next, and so on down the line. These designations do not mean that the secondary is loved less, or even valued less than the primary. It can just mean that the primary has priority.

I typically see this in that the Primary are the couple who live together, and so they are financially, socially, legally, and familially obligatied to one another, and so their stability, and needs must take priority to preserve that household. Often, because if there is catastrophe in that household, no other relationships could exist. This does not mean the primary can preempt plans of the secondary on a meaningless whim, this is disrespectful to all parties. However, if there is an emergency, this could mean the secondary’s plans may get cancelled. One would hope, however, that if the secondary had an emergency, the primary would give over priority to them, as well.

I’ve heard in some cases, where a secondary feels it is “unfair” that the primary gets to spend more time than them with their mutual partner, that it must mean they are worth less to that partner, that they must love them less than the primary. Once again, I would state that priorities are not a measure of love, just a measure of resource distribution in a world that is full of obligations and short on time.

Let us also not forget, that a person sometimes has to hold themselves as a priority over their partners’ wants. If an individual is not taking care of their own needs, they cannot be a good partner. It may seem “unfair” of a partner to cancel on you because they need to go to bed early, but it can also be “unfair” to insist they come over when they are too tired to drive. It does not mean they love you less than their bed, it just means that bed is their priority in the moment.

Other comments I have heard are about the “unfairness” of mutual partner doing X or Y for partner A, but not for partner B. I feel that this has more to do with communication. If there is something you want and are not getting, you need to ask for it. If mutual partner does not want to do it with or for you, talk about why and see if there is a compromise to be reached. It may be that they did not know you wanted it, or it may be that it is a special thing, reserved for partner A, but there is something else available to partner B that will work just as well. Or, it could be that it is not something that person wants to do with partner B, in which case, partner B will have to decide if they can do without it from that partner or if there needs to be a change in the relationship.

Remember, every person, relationship, and love is different. Trying to make them “equal” or “fair” will typically only bring heartache to all. Revel in the differences and explore what they mean to you.

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Mirror, Mirror…

October 5th, 2015

A couple quotes for thought today.

“It is the obvious which is so difficult to see most of the time. People say ‘It’s as plain as the nose on your face.’ But how much of the nose on your face can you see, unless someone holds a mirror up to you?” ? Isaac Asimov, I, Robot

“Life would be a lot simpler if you liked the people you were supposed to like.”

I get so frustrated at him sometimes, when I’m upset, or stressed out, and he holds that mirror up. Because I just want to be upset or stressed out for a little while. I want comfort, not solutions. Not permanently, just for a little while. But that’s not who he is. Don’t get me wrong, he is definitely willing and able to give me comfort if I need it. But he is also definitely not willing to let me wallow in self-pity or stress, when there’s no reason for it. Especially when it starts oozing out of me and trying to infect those around me.

I don’t need him to solve it for me, but sometimes, I need him to point out that I’m not solving it either, and I ought to be, and I can. And sometimes I do need him to help me solve it, if I’ve got too much on my plate, and he can help with some of it. I just have to ask. But sometimes it takes that damn shiny mirror for me to see.

Liking who “you are supposed to like” goes back to societal expectations. If this were the norm, I think marriage rates would be higher, and divorce rates much lower. The idea is you would like the person who is right for you, and not the ones who weren’t. Like the one you married and no one else. But we humans have a fascination with the dangerous, with risk, with the grass on the other side of the fence.

For my parents, I was supposed to like a nice, successful boy who faithfully went to church every week. For society, I was supposed to like just one man, after maybe dating a few, one at a time. For my poly world, I was supposed to like those with interest and availability that matched my own. But it’s never that simple, eh?

Then again, what fun would life be if it was simple. We are problem solvers. We thrive on figuring things out, on challenges. If life were simple, it would also be boring, IMHO. One last quote for the day:

“Life is pain, highness, anyone who tells you different is selling something.” ~Westley, The Dread Pirate Roberts, Princess Bride

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e[lust] Edition 39

August 20th, 2012


Photo courtesy of Ava Grace

Welcome to e[lust] – The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at e[lust]. Want to be included in e[lust] #40? Start with the newly updated rules, come back September 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ Top 3 ~

Never Pinch a Sadist: 50 Shades of PlaidIf you don’t know kink, don’t feel pressured into it. If you wonder what it is about, join Fetlife and find local event to teach you about it.

Collars & closure & owning myselfthere is triumph in realizing that your paths are diverging, repacking your shit, and moving on with dignity and respect.

The QuarryWe agreed to meet up on the weekend and go out to the quarry. It was an old, flooded quarry. I didn’t know it, but the queers had taken it over.

~ Featured Post (Picked by Lilly) ~

The Pussy Pride Project

~ e[lust] Editress ~

“I can’t orgasm without a vibrator” So What?Embrace it. Bring it in to your partnered sex life. Be happy that you can achieve orgasm whatever way that works for you.

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Erotic Writing

A Guest for Dinner
A Beautiful Need
A Purring Machine
A Hard Man is Good to Find
Chlorine Kisses
In a different world
I Crave You!
Lolita Twenty-Twelve, Part Four
Mojo Back
My 69th Orgasm
Owned Part 4
Sensual room service
Summertime
Tease Me
Travelling
The Space Between
The Text
The Wicked Wench of Wupert Stweet
The Desk of Power
Use Me
What I’m thinking about when I’m…
When Frederick Met Camille

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Living with an Alpha Sub
Make Her Cum
Restless
Swinging and safe sex
Talking with the Lights Off
The Promiscuous Bisexual
Why Do I Have More Respect For Men Than MRAs?
What not to do for anal sex
Wants, Needs & Poly
Wifi Sex?

Kink & Fetish

A Boot Scene
Consent as Torture
Mores and Behavior
Pursuit of Squirting
Playing With Lightning
Submissive men: A celebration of beauty
strapping on…my first time
Submission for a Femdom Facesitting Film
Steeped
rethinking warmup

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What a Month

June 29th, 2012

This has been quite a month. From relationship and schedule changes, to car repairs and computer thefts. There have been amazing highs, and horribly depressing lows. I haven’t posted anything of substance since my posting spree on the seventh. I’ve had ideas run through my head here and there, but they leave just as fast as they come. I’ve gotten way behind in my article writing for Modern Dungeon Quarterly, then caught up, and then fallen behind again. I’ve fallen into places where I wasn’t sure I wanted to stay married, wandered into realms of fear and doubt, and clawed my way back up. I have spent entire days in tears, but also entire days in a giggling high. I have both been leaned on and been the one leaning. I have been giving and caring, and needy and lost. It has been quite the month, and I’m glad it’s nearly over.

Nothing ever goes as planned. This lesson was repeated over and over again this month. Things were decided, but one explosion changed the decisions again. Schedules were changed, but tragedy made its own changes. Just an hour or two, turned into more and a broken window and loss of property. You get married “forever and always,” but just look around, divorce is very common. And in this community, look around, divorce doesn’t have to be the answer. Hubby keeps telling me that we can create whatever we want, but my mind says nothing ever goes as planned.

So at this point, I’m not planning for the future. I’m living in the now. I’m taking care of the immediate. There are things that need done. Problems that need addressed. People who need my support. I am thinking more clearly about what I want, not just doing things because they are expected of me. As the immediate is taken care of, as problems are solved, and things are worked through, we will see where it leads. Without expectation, but with acceptance, that any outcome is valid, and new choices don’t mean failure.

 

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e[lust] #36

May 15th, 2012


Photo courtesy of A Couple of Wankers

Welcome to e[lust] – The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at e[lust]. Want to be included in e[lust] #37? Start with the newly updated rules, come back June 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ Top 3 ~

The Cheshire CatAlice felt whiskers tickle her skin and was wracked with sobs of fear. ‘Oh, little girl, don’t cry. You can stand much more than you think you can.’

Vaginal Overexposure?I see a lot of vaginas. A lot. One of my favorite things to tell Vincent and his friends is, “I see more vagina that you ever will!”

Marionette“I’m writing out a fantasy of mine, but I’m not sure what to do with some of it. I’m hoping you can help me figure it out.” “Yes Ma’am.”

~ Featured Post (Picked by Lilly) ~

JourneysThese insecurities are at the root of my fears. I don’t know how to combat them, how to turn those tapes off in my head.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

I’ve found a new secret to my G-spotThis g-spot thing might be hard to find since it can’t be mapped, but believe me it is real and with time, exploration, a good clitoral orgasm and a willing set of fingers and/or dildos you CAN find it.

 

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the ‘read more’ tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Kink & Fetish

A Pixie Calls Me Daddy
Afterwards, kissing
Another Try at Topping
Bent Over and Exposed
Female Orgasm: Where Do You Get Off?
Hurts
Letting the Sadist Out to Play
more con-slut…
pain & sadism: how they intertwine
Tied Up and Tossed in a Corner
Waiting My Turn
Warm Up

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Fifty Shades Of Me

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Buying a Toy: What You Need to Know
Bring on the wanks
I want your sex
My Mother, The Whore
Poly Fallacies #4
Q&A # 3: Childhood BDSM Fantasies
Sticks and Stones…
Small World of Swinging
The Gauge
Us Lately
White and Nerdy

Erotic Writing

Around and ’round
Down
Golden girl
Hard Love
Hot sunny sex on a rainy day
It Ain’t Sex
I Want to be Watched
I made him watch me masturbate
Jealous
Lazy Day
Lost in Submission
Making out
On Display
Pussy Doctor
Perfect Cover
Pussy Eating- The Fun Way
Rack and Ruin part II
Shower Scene
The Third Date
Tickle Monster
Waiting for It
Watching Skylarks

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What’s Going On?

March 8th, 2012

So, my blogs lately have been a lot of nonsense, Modern Dungeon Quarterly and the occasional story. Life has been chaotic. Relationships have been chaotic. And I just didn’t want to put it down clearly. I haven’t even been journaling. I’ve meant to, but every time, I find something else to do. Something that won’t make me look at the words on the page. Won’t force me to stare at my thoughts laid bare. Bottling is unhealthy, I know this. I don’t usually do it. But with everything that’s been going on over the last few months, it seemed like my only option in some cases. Bottle it up until other things are sorted, and then let it out in a controlled manner. Wait til they sort things out, then tell her how I feel. Wait til I’m calmer, then tell her why it hurt. Wait til he’s had a few sessions, and then, with the doc there to help us both, say how I’ve been feeling.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

 

Ready. Set. Go.

New relationships bring whirlwinds with them. Change, adjustment, and new energy. Adding a new relationship to a poly group will forever change that group. Now, that doesn’t have to be in a negative way. Change is neither a positive nor a negative force, it just is. Things spin for awhile, as everyone readjusts, as schedules are resorted, as priorities are reframed. In my life, let’s add in almost everyone in the group entering into new job situations, and new class schedules. And things still aren’t settled because class schedules change every quarter. And toy is still working on getting a different job. Let’s also add in bits of drama, miscommunication, misunderstanding, and two people leaving the group. Stress levels rolling like ocean waves. Storms coming and going. Clashes of personality and sensibilities.

Everything changes. But if you can ride out those waves, weather those storms, and navigate the difficulties, you come out the other side stronger than ever. And, if it’s meant to be, so do your relationships. Not every relationship survives. Not every relationship is meant to last forever. But they all add to our lives, to our selves and to our strength. It takes a lot to rebuild after a storm, whether the tornadoes to our south, or emotional explosions that send everyone spinning. Sometimes you have to remove all the debris, foundation and all, and start again from scratch. Sometimes the remains can be salvaged. And sometimes it just takes a little patching up. Regardless, it takes work.

We are in the midst of that work, trying to see what we’ve been left with. What parts are still useable, what parts have to be made anew, and what parts just don’t fit anymore. Both sides of my poly life are in this situation right now. And while I am hopeful, I am not confident that everything will turn out the way we might wish.

Hubby and I have entered a second round of counseling, this time with a professional. Cheating, broken rules, broken promises, and on top if it all, Lies. We tried a community counselor, but when things blew up a second time, he suggested we were beyond his ken. Hubby went alone a few times to sort out some things and now we are going together. We have a lot of work to do.

Doc has four areas he works with in his couples sections and it seems to me, we have trouble in at least three of them. First is work ethic in relation to the marriage. Putting in the work to have a good marriage, and in this case, to fix the marriage. Are we committed to fixing it? Are we willing to do the work? Our friend kind of asked us a similar thing. Were we there because we wanted to fix things, or because it was our last shot? I told him I wanted to fix things, I wanted to keep the marriage. This time, it kinda feels more like a last shot. I love my hubby, obviously, but I feel so broken, that I’m not as confident it can be fixed. Do I want to fix it? Yes. Do I think it can be? Hopeful, but not confident.

Second, is the all important communication. Doc addresses this in a couple ways. First, is what he calls Face Value communication. That is take what the other person says at face value. If I say, could you take out the trash on your way out the door, that’s all I’m saying. I’m not saying, you’re lazy and you never do your part. I’m just asking you to take out the trash. Second is communicating to problem resolution. Not just saying what’s wrong, or what’s bad, but being able to come to resolutions that work for both parties. And lastly, nurturing communication. Being able to support and nurture each other.

Third, the one I think we actually manage, is having fun together. Enjoying each other’s company. When we’re not angry, stressed or depressed. I think we do a fairly good job of having fun together. Watching shows and movies we like. Playing games together. Having good food and times with friends. Though this last is a little more difficult, depending on the venue. I’m an odd bird when it comes to being social, and he has a difficult time in some of our circles here.

Fourth, always a tricky one for us, physical intimacy. I think with our run at counseling with our friend we tried jumping right to this one before fixing the others first. I mean, we were working on communication and such, but doing it all at once might have not been the best idea. Or maybe it was. But currently, this one will be last. I need trust back before I can even consider this step. And right now, it’s long gone.

So, a lot of work to do. A lot of hard work, to find our way back to our path together. We have help, so maybe we’ll make it. But it’s going to be a long road. If we make it through this, though, we can do anything.

 

 

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Writer’s Block

March 2nd, 2012

I’ve struggled with blogs posts lately. Both here and my “family friendly” blog. My kink life has been centered around Modern Dungeon Quarterly lately, and I’m already posting about that over there. I’ve posted here a few times, but I don’t want to just keep repeating myself. That’s what twitter’s for, eh? And I certainly can’t tell my family about That project, even though I’m really excited about it, and enjoying the process. Other than that, normal club nights, with a new suspension point, and practice nights as usual. Having the suspension point back at the club has been nice. I have some lovely rope trails across my chest still from last weekend’s flight. Relationship wise, well last week’s babbling is still about where I’m at, so. A chance for progress on Monday, we’ll see how it goes.

So, what do I write about this week. I’m already a day behind. Watched Search for Spock yesterday instead of blogging. I poked around Fearless Press, looking for inspiration, but nothing spoke to me. I wanted to have something for eLust this month, but I don’t think I’ve got anything coherent enough to put in the digest. I’ve switched from Netflix to WoW, but that’s not for this audience either.

It was suggested that I write a story, toss out an erotica piece if I didn’t have anything else to say. It’s a good idea, I enjoy writing them, but my mind just won’t focus on that kind of writing today. I’m journaling in my head, which is not nearly as helpful as journaling on paper, but it’s also not the kind of thing I want to do here. Not today.

I’m writing around in circles. Sorry about that.

Maybe I’ll get in the mood for a good story this weekend and you’ll get a bonus post that’s a lot more fun than this one. Maybe once I finish the book I’m reading, I’ll start reading more bdsm and poly books and do book reviews. I really owe Complete Shibari a better review than the one I wrote all that time ago. And I really ought to read more books. Always ought to read more books. So, dear readers, help me out, comment with books you think I should read. Because I haven’t ready much at all in the lifestyle category.

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I Don’t Know What I’m Saying

February 23rd, 2012

Souls, so intertwined, finding each other through space and time. Again and again. They meet and fall in love. But is it meant to be, or is it just a force of habit? Was the jealousy true, or just a flash of loneliness? Did she really want him, or just someone, to share her life with? Is it love or just comfort she finds and clings to? The easy path is rarely the best, but neither is the most difficult always the right way. Life is hard, but it doesn’t always have to be a challenge. Love is easy, relationships are complicated. And not always meant to last. Take from each one what you can, but don’t cling to dead and dying things. Let them go. Give them peace.

One more chance. Your last chance. We say these things often, but do we really mean it? How many last chances, how many times do we say one more? When is enough enough? How do we know? Bible says forgive 70 times 7 times, so that you, too, may be forgiven. Not so you count the number of times, but to emphasize unlimited forgiveness. But there’s a difference between forgiveness and staying in a bad situation. You can forgive and still leave.

Do your best. Don’t give up. Quitters never prosper. We are trained from an early age to keep trying. To stick with any commitment you make, never go back on an agreement or vow. Your integrity depends on it. We form bonds and cling to them ever so tightly. And yet, friendships are destroyed with a careless word. Relationships end over single wrong doings, real or imagined. The divorce rate is ridiculously high. We are pressured to hang on, and yet so often we let go. Sometimes for good reasons, some times for bad, and sometimes for no reason at all.

I don’t know what I’m saying. Words are just falling out of my fingertips. I saw this quote today: “Writing, to me, is simply thinking through my fingers.” ~Isaac Asimov It is true for me as well. I think through my fingers, ramble more freely in written or typed words than I do aloud. I don’t worry so much about whether I’m making sense, or speaking clearly or loudly enough. I can just keep going and going, with no concern for whether I’m being heard.

I don’t think today’s post is going to make sense, but I’m not sure I am ready to make sense right now. I’m okay with letting everything continue to spin. Maybe it’ll make more sense when it finally comes out if it’s had enough time to spin and whirl and simmer and boil. I let the top off now and again. I let the steam out, so it doesn’t just explode the pot. Just a little longer and it will be ready to serve. Monkey brain delight. Fresh from the skull.

 

 

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What’ve You Got To Lose?

December 1st, 2011

A journal entry from earlier this week:

The longer you’ve been around, the more you have to lose. As wife, before girlfriends exist, you have everything. All the love, time, attention, interest. Then comes girlfriend, and love multiplies, but time and attention are divided, and if you’re lucky, interest gets multiplied by the extra energy. Sometimes, though, NRE can make it feel like she gets more and you get less. It can take time to rebalance.

The cycle continues for girlfriend. You get all you can until second girlfriend arrives. Then, by the needs of reality, time and attention are further divided, love is multiplied, and interest fluctuates, hopefully ending up in the positive direction. As more partners are added, balance gets harder to maintain, and needs and wants are weighed more carefully.

One ripple causes waves throughout, and if it starts as a wave, storms can appear. Tidal pools of spiraling emotions, pulling everyone down until someone catches a life-preserver and pulls the rest back up.

So, how do you survive the divisions? By enjoying that which is multiplied. By believing the benefits outweigh the cost. By being heard, even when you don’t get everything you want. By being gracious, compassionate, compersive and by compromising. Life is a state of constant change, you have to keep up and ask for the love and support you need to do so.

 

This is relevant in two, completely opposite directions in my life right now. One, hubby is down to just me. This makes the time he has to spend with me greater, though my availability has not truly changed. It may, if needed, or as schedules naturally morph over time and situation. But he and I must find a new balance, as he will be home for time I’ve previously spent alone, and he may find a desire for more of my time than he currently has.

Two, he is up to a wife and four girlfriends, and his wife is changing to day shifts next week. For a while now, most of the time divided by him, has been time she is usually at work. Now, though, it won’t be, and I imagine she is feeling the sting sharper for the amount of time she now has available and the huge chunks of it already scheduled with us. So, we look for balance, not only of time between the five of us, but of place, to give her space in her home.

We don’t have answers for any of this, yet. But we are all committed to making it work. For the love we all share, and the community we are creating together, makes us all stronger and better, and fills our lives with incredible joy.

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