Day Fifteen – Curiosity

January 15th, 2011

Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

I am incredibly curious in nature. It gets me into trouble a lot. Someone suggests something, I have a no way reaction, but then a few minutes later, I’m curious to try it out. Have not had much of that lately, so what is on my current curious list?

Needles – Terrified, squeamishly phobic, but so very curious about trying them. A lot of things happened around needles in the past year. Good, bad and indifferent. They are still a top curiosity to me.

My 30 Days of Kink

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Facing My Fears

August 5th, 2010

Phobia – an irrational, intense and persistent fear. I have three. Two have been tested recently. The third, needles, I am still working towards. Sparklers were used in the most recent scene. A snake was used some weeks ago. I knew these fears were strong, but I didn’t know how much.

The Snake

We were moving flats in the backyard. A small garter snake was curled up under one and I quickly moved away.

What’s wrong?

I pointed at it and he picks it up, bringing it towards me. I circle in the opposite direction, keeping the distance between us. He gets to where I was and looks up. Arms crossed, heart pounding, I grimace back at him. The snake is running through his gloved hands and he starts towards me again. I try to be still, but I keep backing up, whimpering and twitching my eyes between him and the ground.

Come here.

I shake my head, harder than my body already is.

Come here.

I whimper and take a step, but only one. He steps forward and I back.

Stop.

Another step towards me and I tense my whole body to stay still. Another step and my foot slides back.

Stop or I will throw it on you.

I force my foot a step towards him. Eyes tight to the ground, filling with tears. Overflowing as he walks towards me. Sobbing by the time he is beside me. But I stay still. Then he takes it away. He puts it near the woodpile. I calm some – enough to move the last flat to the pile. He frees me and checks in. With the snake gone, I can breathe again and the terror melts away.

The Sparklers

Stripped, handcuffed and tossed to the ground. Ankles tied together. Lover is counting and spanking and fucking.

I know you know the box score.

I cannot stop the laughter.

I know you are keeping track. At least the third box.

The laughter continues.

I know you are know the answer. At least a good guess. I have these sparklers here.

The flick of a lighter and I twitch away.

No.

The lighter flicks again.

They’re old. Might not light.

I writhe, trying to throw him off me.

No!

Yes, unless you know the number of 3’s.

I laugh again, desperation, now. More flicking of the lighter. I whimper and squirm. Lover has mercy.

How about a deal? Plus or minus two if you agree to sleep in your straitjacket with my cock in your mouth.

It won’t help. The straitjacket is okay.

Yes or no?

It won’t help.

Alright, how about plus or minus four? You’re a good guesser. I’m sure you have some idea.

My answer hasn’t changed.

Then I’ll just have to light the sparklers. Here, hold it for me.

Lover puts it in my cuffed hand. I writhe and try to let go, breaking it with my other hand to get it away. He plants it in the carpet in front of me.

Look at it. I’m going to light it if you don’t give me an answer.

No.

Lover pulls my head up, and I look at the sparkler.

Don’t burn my carpet.

Laughter, not mine this time.

What’s your answer?

It hasn’t changed. The straitjacket is okay, but it doesn’t matter, I don’t know.

I’ll have to light it then.

No.

He picks it up and flicks the lighter, while I squirm beneath him. The flare of the sparkler lighting and I scream and cry, face in the carpet. Trying to force him off my back, but helpless.

The sparks are dropping on you. In your hair.

No, no, no, no, no.

Fizz of water and it’s out. Gasping for air and shaking beneath him.

So? What’s your answer?

It hasn’t changed. It doesn’t matter, I don’t know the number.

Another one then?

No!

Yes, or agree to the deal?

It doesn’t matter.

The flick of the lighter and the second is burning above me. Lower this time the sparks hitting my bare flesh. Hands brushing at the sparks. Sobbing into the carpet. Struggling to get away, to not get burned as he tells me where they are falling. Sizzle and it is out. Lover lets me sob for a little while, until I can breathe and speak again.

So, what’s your answer, or do I light another one. I have four more.

No. Sure. Whatever, it doesn’t matter.

Are you agreeing? Agreement needs to come with a number.

Sure. 60.

Oh, very good. Good girl. Very good girl. If you had guessed just a little higher…

Thank you, Sir.

Fears faced, but not diminished. The terror is still there, deeply there. I have faced them and sobbed my eyes out. I have faced them and been overwhelmed. I have faced them and surrendered. But facing them has not made them less.

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One little, two little, three little…

March 5th, 2010

Needles.

I’m going to buy needles soon. I’m going to bring them to him. I’m going to ask him to put them in me. As many as he likes, wherever he likes.

I am terrified of needles. Just reading threads on needle play, and looking at a website that sells them (sets of 100!?! Seriously?), made me queasy. I have been afraid of needles for as long as I knew they existed.

My health has kept needles firmly in my life; blood draws, IVs, shots. Though all these things are dwindling as my health improves. The fear never went away. Diabetic friends say they just got used to it, but my exposure to needles was never that consistent. The fear stayed, though it calmed some (my eyes no longer black out at every blood draw and I only set off the blood pressure monitor once during the two years of IVs). I can’t watch needles go into my own flesh, or anyone else’s, not even on TV. The very idea of unnecessary needles knots my stomach and chills my spine.

But I will do this, for him.

For us. For the darkness.

But mostly, for him.

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Only True in Fairy Tales

February 26th, 2010

I am discovering a level of submission within myself that I had only read or dreamed about before. I have, almost since the day I met him, had submissive inclinations and attitudes towards him. Over time, my other partners have even commented on it. I have found joy in serving him, and I follow his commands unquestioningly. Now, I am offering even more.

The phrase: If it please you, Sir, came to my lips just last week. Every day brings me closer to buying and bringing him needles(post to come), a lifelong phobia and hard limit. I am developing a personal daily practice of Tai Chi, and Yoga at his request. I am practicing a specific kneeling(post to come) position with a goal of 30 minutes. I am offering him more than I’ve offered anyone before, and it brings me joy.

It is a little scary, in the exciting sort of way, to find myself offering him a deeper submission. Learning to actively submit, modifying behaviors and being trained to do specifically for him. We have defined our relationship, and in doing so, we are taking it to another level. I am working to stay grounded while discovering a whole new reality of possibilities.

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