Thanks Giving 2016

November 24th, 2016

I am thankful for my families. My parents for being supportive in all the ways they can. My brother for being the best brother he can, and a good father to my nephew and nieces. My boyfriend and his wife, for making me a part of their family. My crew family, for coming together, working together, and taking care of each other. My other crew family, for very much the same things, and for fighting together, for a better future.

I am thankful for my friends. Living all over the globe, we still are connected. We still share each other’s joys and sorrows. And when we meet up, there is no space between us. I am thankful for all the love, support, advice, stories, and pictures that we share.

I am thankful for my community. We are like a family. There are still squabbles, and not everyone gets along. But we have built an awesome community anyway. We are strong, we are varied, and we are full of acceptance for one another, and opportunities to share with each other.

I am thankful for my boyfriend. Who has seen me through thick and thin. Who has stuck by me even in the darkest of places. Who has brought a light, and a mirror, to help me see. Who brings me love and joy, and shares the load of sorrows and pain. Who knows just how to make me scream or cry or laugh or fly. Who always makes me feel heard, appreciated, and cared for. And who trusts me to give all these things to him.

I am thankful for my label-less partner. Who brings his own brand of care. Who shares his heart and his mind with me. Who helps me feel attractive, desirable, and unashamed. Who introduces me to new authors, new movies, and new shows with such unbounded enthusiasm, even when they are heartbreakingly unfinished. Who, though not certain about poly, is still eager to share some of his time and life with me.

I am thankful for the life that I lead, the opportunities I have been given, the love, support, and joy that surround me. I am thankful to live in this place, at this time, with so much ahead of us all. I am thankful to you, my dear readers, for making me part of your lives.

Thank you.


Thoughts Do Roll About

October 16th, 2016

I did a decent job of writing more in September, until I got swept up into my moving frenzy. Not on here, but for myself, that is. And it was good. But then I stopped again, full of things to do, and not making time for myself, other than binging on Netflix murder mystery shows. (Mom brought me up on Murder She Wrote, and it’s just spiraled from there.)

I have a lot of Stuff just floating around in my head. Thoughts that are no good for me, that I really should get out of there, and let go of. Thoughts of being unimportant, not good enough, of being a “single secondary” for the rest of my life. Thoughts that have no place in reality, but are so powerfully depressing, that some days, I just can’t shake them. I’m 36 years old, there is plenty of life left in me, and I have wonderful friends and family that love me. I have him, and I am part of his family, and he loves me. I have a sexual partner who cares for me, and enjoys spending time with me. And I have a life full of work and play and joy.

I am grateful for the things I have, and I am working towards the things I want to have. Even if that path is sometimes confusing, or covered in fog (which is often self-created). I will find it, and I will walk it. With love and support from all my friends and family.



Social Anxiety

March 6th, 2014

Sorry for all the mindless blather last month. I’m sure some of you liked it, but I’m equally sure some of you ignored it entirely after the first few posts, if that. I often comment here that I’m not good at social media. Really, I’m just not good at social in general. Interacting with a whole bunch of strangers is not really my thing. I like small groups of people I know. Which makes having started an anonymous blog seem like a very silly idea. But I wanted somewhere to write, without all the scrutiny. The blog has become less and less anonymous over the years, through my own efforts, as well as friends passing it along. And, given the low volume of comments, it is still pretty much low on the scrutiny. I do appreciate those who take the time to reply, but that’s not what this ramble is about.

Social ability. I’m not the creepy guy, or the stalker girl. I am the quiet one, the shy girl just watching from the edge. I’ve pushed myself to introduce myself to people at gatherings lately, but then I don’t know what to say once I’ve gotten (and forgotten) their names. I recently abandoned plans to go to a movie night because that many people in a small space seemed way too taxing, so I hung out with one person instead.

But even there I’m fairly hopeless. I hardly ever hang out with friends. My polycule, yes. Going to the regular events where crew is working/supporting, yes. Gaming once a week, yes. But hey let’s go to a movie, watch tv, or have dinner? Hardly ever. Ex-lover and I have lunch once a month or so. In six months, the blacksmith and I have managed dinner twice. Yes, I’m busy with work and school, but tonight I could have gone to a munch, a sangha, or a write-in, and instead, I stayed home.

I’d like to say it’s just a phase, trying to balance two classes, full-time hours, and a load of stress(insecurity, fear, frustration), but I’m kinda always like this. Though the desire to hermit is a bit stronger right now for all the above.

I’ve never really considered myself to have a fear of abandonment, but I’m starting to wonder. I moved around every five years or so growing up. Lost friends. I have three friends left from HS, but no one from grade school, and I really only talk to one of the HS friends on a regular basis. College, everyone moved to the four corners of the world, and though there are two right in town with me who I considered close, I really only talk to my best friend in England regularly. College relationships did what college relationships do, none lasting more than a few months. Heck, some of them were better After the break up. I am highly cynical of new people, trusting only superficially, waiting for that misstep, or for them to move right along.

I also think I’ve been watching too much Dexter. Comparing oneself and one’s relationships to a fictional serial killer and his friends and family, is probably not the best way to cheer yourself up. And for those who are also fans, I just finished season 4, so there’s that, too.

I’m not a bad person, I’m just struggling with relationships right now, and insecurity. They always say that you have a lot of people who call themselves friends, but true friends are few and far between. I am truly grateful for those few I have found so far.


List Twenty-Five – Evening with Friends

February 25th, 2014

Top Five Things I Like to do on an Evening with Friends

  1. Share a meal
  2. Gaming
  3. Watching movies
  4. Kinky or Geeky parties
  5. Sit around a campfire (mmm S’mores)

Thanks Giving

November 28th, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving, readers!

I am having a week of feasting with family and friends. The usual dinner Monday night with the Poly-cule. Tuesday Thanksgiving dinner with the gaming family. Wednesday Thanksgiving dinner with him and his wife. Today with their pets (pet sitting, yay snuggly puppy). And tomorrow with my work family while we wade through the chaos of Black Friday. And leftovers all weekend long! 🙂

I am thankful for my life, and those that love me: my family and my friends. I am thankful for you, readers, and for e[lust] digest for bringing me many more. I am thankful for the freedom to live, love and play the way that makes me happy. I am thankful for the community I live in, locally, nationally and worldwide. I am thankful for having enough health to enjoy almost everything I wish to enjoy, and enough challenges to keep me strong in spirit, if not in body. (Okay, so some would say stubborn, but that can lead to strength… 😉 ) I am thankful for a job that has lasted eleven years, even though I have wanted a better one for half that time, it has kept me housed, clothed and fed, with a little help from my friends/family.

I am thankful to my parents for my education, past and present. I am thankful to all those who have kicked my ass or held up a mirror or dropped the hammer on my head, especially K and him, you have helped me become a stronger, healthier person. I am thankful for those who have enjoyed, encouraged and critiqued my writing, it keeps me going to know I’m reaching someone. I am thankful for all those teachers and presenters who have inspired, stimulated, or educated me throughout the years. I am thankful for every single relationship I have had, they all taught me a great deal about myself, and brought love and joy into my life.

Thank you and have a happy and safe holiday season.


Social Ramblings

September 19th, 2013

350 posts. No wonder I had to keep myself from writing my first grad school paper like a blog post. Eesh, that’s a lot of blogging, and this is only one of the three blogs (plus one currently dormant), that I write. As I skim through my spam folder, I keep wondering about locking comments on old posts, but then I get into the question of where to draw the line. And what about someone who stumbles across a post and it moves them? So, I don’t, and Akismet keeps plugging away. Over 20K spam messages blocked so far. But I still have to check the queue, because e[lust] pingbacks end up there every now and then, thanks to all the links. I’m still terrible at Twitter posting. I hardly ever post more than my blog link of the week. I find my lack of social (networking) skills disturbing sometimes, though it is no surprise.

Close friends are hard to come by, for me. I grew up moving ever few years, so I don’t have any “childhood friends.” The furthest my friendships go back is to age 11, and that’s just one person I still associate with. At 13 and 14, I picked up one more friend each that I still talk to today. It wasn’t until I was in college that I started forming more long-term friendships. And they are scattered to the winds now. Fortunately, I’m better at Facebook than Twitter.

There are a lot of folks in town who I consider friends these days. My gaming friends, a couple college friends, my kink friends, my fleet friends. All in their nice neat little boxes, though the latter two groups have cross-over. But, close friends? I seem to stick to my poly-cules. So, when break-ups happened, some friendships have died. I regret these loses, but just as I struggle to make new friends, I often haven’t a clue how to repair the damages, or if it is possible, or desirable. So, I try to reach outside the “safety” of the poly-cule, without getting dragged into the whirlpools of drama. But, I don’t have a lot of extra time, even less-so with school now and holiday hours soon. And as stress increases, my cynicism grows and my patience decreases.

I wouldn’t want to be around me when I’m cranky, so I don’t expect anyone else to either. So, this starts with me. Reducing stress, finding calm and happiness. Taking care of myself and my happiness, so I am someone others want to be around. I have a lot of events coming up over the next three months, with a lot of friends. It isn’t about putting on a happy-face, it’s about Being happy, and having joy in my life.


New Year’s Goals

January 3rd, 2013

It’s the New Year, 2013, and I promised I’d start posting regular posts again, after a very odd year end. So, how about I start with goals for the new year? I prefer goals to resolutions, no one ever keeps resolutions. And once they’re broken you’re done, goals you keep working towards, even if you fall down. What are my kinky goals?

One. To write more erotica. I want to write more fiction again, heck more non-fiction erotica, too, for that matter. I want to set up tracking on the free ebooks I’ve already posted, and create enough new pieces to publish new ebooks of never-before-seen stories. That doesn’t mean I won’t still post erotica here, but I want to do more than that this year.

Two. To experience new things. Isn’t this always the case? I want to do new things this year, explore areas I haven’t yet tried. Learn things I don’t yet know. I promised my best friend in high school that I’d try anything once, in kink it seems that you should try things twice, just in case. I should come up with a list of new things to try and post it soon.

Three. Cherish the things I already enjoy. There are so many things that we do that I already know I enjoy. I want to remember and cherish those things for the joy they always bring me. The freedom and security of rope. The chemical and emotional release of pain. The sensuality of bootlicking. The endorphins of fear. The serenity of kneeling. The fulfillment of service. And many others.

Four. Take care of myself. This is always a hard one for me. I spend so much focus taking care of everyone else, that I often put myself last (notice, that this one is number four…). I need to remember that I have needs and wants, too, and that they matter. I bought two bath bombs in the middle of last year, and I have not used either of them yet. I continue on in a job that I said five years ago, I didn’t want to stay in. I have tried many things that others said I should try, but have put less emphasis on trying the things I want to do. I need to remember to put myself first sometimes, or I’ll be useless to those around me.

Five. Make more kinky friends. I know a lot of people. I see them at groups, dinners and events. But I’m very quiet and introverted, so while I am friendly towards them, I wouldn’t say that many are close friends. This year, I would like to put more focus on making stronger friendships. I seem to have fallen into the trap of only really hanging out with my poly family, and this limits my social circle quite a bit. Even writing this one scares me. My introverted brain is already creating excuses as to why I can’t do this, but I’m going to try to ignore it, for my own sake.

I think that’s a good start. What about you, my readers, what are your kinky goals for 2013?


Lessons and Going Home

July 7th, 2011

Been a busy time lately, sorry for not posting last week. Here’s what should have gone up, a silly little post of lessons learned.

Had a good time at practice, and learned a few lessons. Let me share them with you.


  1. The correct answer to “Do you think I can hit your nose with this Dragon Tail?” is “Yes, I do, but please don’t.” instead of nodding and standing very still, hoping he’ll just snap it in front of you a few times.
  2. Dragon Tail strikes to the mouth a) hurt like hell, b) are scary, and c) leave the area feeling indented. The first two made me cry instantly, the third was a very odd sensation.
  3. I am not fond of the use of an extra large shoe horn as a paddle.
  4. “For love and service” is a good phrase that I learned from hubby’s girlfriend, to describe why one might still take the shoe horn even if one doesn’t particularly like it. I agree with these reasons, but also tend to take things because the after affects are what I’m really after.
  5. Keep still – Don’t move the target he is aiming at. I (re)learned this rule, and also that I really can do it when properly motivated.
  6. Canes on the top of the feet/toes hurt a helluva lot.
  7. The toe next to my big toe acts as a fulcrum to a cane, and thus gets the most bruised.


This past weekend, I went home. Well, to the closest thing I have to “going home.” I went to visit a few friends from High School. One who I still consider one of my best friends, and a couple that I still see/talk to on occasion, and their respective families and friends. Hubby and his girlfriend were going up, too, though they were going elsewhere the first evening.

The couple was hosting a 4th of July picnic. I didn’t know who was going to be there, and spent the drive wondering if maybe some others from school would be. I was also pretty sure I had not spoken to them since I began this journey into kink and poly. I had some Dragon Tail kisses on my thighs and some bruises on my calves. It was warm out, but I decided that the marks were a little too much and wore jeans. Hubby and his girlfriend were just dropping me off, so I wasn’t really worried about questions, but we did discuss that she was just a friend for the weekend in reference to anyone from home.

People didn’t question my jeans, especially as the weather was rather windy and stormy, and no one asked about the random girl in the car. But I felt uncomfortable. I was careful what I said around everyone, but my best friend who was thankfully there, as well. I only made one poly-oriented comment, and no one took it seriously. As I stared into the campfire, later in the evening, I found my shoulders tensing quite badly. I was around a lot of people I didn’t know and I was having to hide who I was. It was good to see my friends, but I did not like putting that mask back on.

That night and the next day were somewhat better. The marks had faded a little more, and I was only going to be around my best friend and her parents, so I could wear shorts while kayaking. Hubby and his girlfriend would be there, too, but though my best friend knows the truth, her parents easily accepted that she was just a friend. Her dad did ask once, possibly due to the high heeled boots in the car, but accepted the story I gave him. The crowd of strangers that were expected to canoe with us got ahead and we never caught them, so that stress stayed away. I was still wearing a mask this day, but it was less strenuous than the night before.



November 25th, 2010

Last year, I thanked everyone who helped me take my first steps into the local community and my first steps into personal growth and acceptance. Most of those people are still a part of my increasingly wonderful life, and I am still incredibly grateful to them all. The community here, my chosen family within the community, all are exceptional people who make my life joyful, interesting and entertaining. I am a writer, introverted, anti-social, quiet, and more at home in nature than a city. But I have found something incredible here. I have found acceptance and love, growth and exploration, and a life more full than I ever expected to have. My dream office is a furnished attic with pillows and a big circular window, a papasan and some bean bags. Used to be, I’d imagine myself spending most of my time up there, writing in seclusion and quiet. I still want that attic office, but now it is imagined for my private writing time each day, when I take an hour or two to myself amidst a life so full.

Thank you to my parents, for loving me and not asking too many questions.
Thank you to my hubby, for loving me and taking this journey with me.

Thank you to him and his wife, for making me a part of their lives.
Thank you to lover, for everything you gave to and shared with me.

Thank you to the crew, for being my chosen family, with all the joy and struggles of any family.

Thank you to the clubs and the patrons, for letting us do those things we do.
Thank you to the groups who organize the parties and the events, for providing a safe place to learn and explore and share with so many people.
Thank you to the munch, for giving so many a place to meet and enjoy each other with no pressure.

Happy Thanksgiving!

What are you thankful for?