What’s on Your Mind?
January 13th, 2011
Ten pm on Thursday night. I’m going to a con this weekend, to relax, teach and drink with a good number of my chosen family. It is not a kinky convention, but there will be kinky classes. We are teaching electric(violet wands), flogging and rope this weekend. Short and fun classes, designed to introduce the topics and entertain the audience before we invite them to play with us. After play both nights, there will be drinking for those of us who choose to, and the pointing and laughing by the ones that don’t. A chance to let go and not be responsible for a little while. While we generally work with a drinking audience, it is rare that we get the opportunity to put the toys down and drink ourselves. This is one of those weekends. My post today isn’t going to go very deep, and will probably be very rambling, because I am tired from a day of running around and distracted by thoughts of the upcoming weekend.
So, what is on my mind? Poly, negotiations, lying, learning and secrets. An interesting list, let’s see where it takes me.
Poly. This weekend, during the convention, I will be spending time with both my husband and my boyfriend. My husband will be spending time with me and his two girlfriends. My boyfriend will be spending time with me and his wife. Floating around all of us are friends, play partners, flirts, exes and all the various other distractions, not to mention new people that may grab our attention. All of us with different attachments and dynamics, needs and wants. It is supposed to be a relaxing weekend, and I have all intentions of staying drama free, even if it requires copious amounts of jet fuel.
Negotiations. I made a post about negotiating a few weeks ago. It is something that has been an ongoing lesson for myself and others in my circle lately. Remembering the details, always. Keeping in mind that you can say no. Knowing when to back down, or wait it out, or when to push for what you want. It’s a careful balance to keep playing the game.
Lying and Learning. Interesting discussions lately around telling the truth and accepting consequences. I’ve said a few times lately that I only lie to my family these days. That may not be the entire truth. I probably still lie to myself as well. It is something to be aware of and try to recognize and correct within myself. I cannot be fully honest with others unless I am fully honest with myself. It goes hand in hand with remembering that things I want to talk about are important, too, because sometimes I tell myself that if must not really be important if I don’t remember to bring it up.
Secrets. The world is full of secrets. From national and international secrets, to diary combinations. It is important to remember that sometimes, keeping a secret can do more harm than good. If something is wrong and no one is talking about it, then the problem cannot be solved. Secrets can sometimes protect, but they can also sometimes cause harm, or allow harm to continue. Be careful what you keep locked away.
The weekend looks bright ahead of me, I’ll try to have a better post next week. Just some thoughts to consider for now, in between the meme posts. Coming soon: Bootblacking, Interrogation, Abuse and Family.
Beauty is Pain
December 9th, 2010
A lot on my mind this week, so I may end up with several posts, just going to start typing and see where I end up.
I had a couple random ideas last week. The first being around forced feminization. Wikipedia defines it as: when a man is forced to put on women’s clothes and instructed how to behave and talk Yes, I am a girl, yes, I previously owned skirts and dresses. But I only wore them for Very special occasions – weddings for the most part, once I got out of school, and the Renaissance Festivals. Currently, at his request, and because it is too cold for shorts in December, I wear skirts four days a week, not always the entire day, but two of those days, it is generally two different skirts or dresses.
I regularly have people bring me skirts and dresses to increase my “girlish” wardrobe. I am often teasingly scolded for my lack of stockings. At play parties, I am often told I need more appropriate footwear. One of the groups I’m involved with in town has caused me to buy more lingerie in two years than I have ever owned in my entire life. Last time my mother visited, I even let her take me shopping to buy multiple skirts, and bought a couple on my own at a thrift store, and I don’t even buy clothes for myself normally. As noted last week, skirts and other girl clothes are big items on my wish list this year.
I think Wikipedia would consider all this to be consensual feminization, but every now and then I pause and wonder. Wow, when did I become such a girl? And then I feel better about myself when I get an invitation to shopping event involving make-up, manicures, perfume and other such things, and I remember that I am not that much of a girlie girl. Nothing wrong with all those things, they are just not me. I’ll stick with dressing more like a girl, because it not only makes the men happy, but it also helps me feel good about myself and my body.
Second random thought was about masochism and sadism. Back to Wikipedia: Sadism is pleasure in infliction of pain or humiliation upon another person, while masochism is pleasure in receiving the pain. I went to a class taught by Midori earlier this year, where she discussed the term pain, and her preference for “intense stimulation” instead because pain can encompass so many things that are not pleasurable. But that is neither here nor there, my thoughts were running along the lines of what am I really? I identify as a pain slut, so masochist is obvious.
But I also top violet wand scenes, delight in watching him giving others intense sensations and find entertainment in my own intense sensations causing distress in others. Does this make me a sadist? The latter two are not me inflicting pain or sensation, just enjoying the results of someone else doing so. When I top electric scenes, I am not doing so to cause pain. I enjoy making people squirm and squeak, but usually I’m trying to ticklish spot. I do not go for the screaming and the expressions of pain. It is intense stimulation, I agree, but I’m doing it to teach and share my experiences and enjoyable stimulation. I do not get joy out of Causing pain and am hesitant to even try, though I can be enlisted as restraints, tickler or biter.
So, perhaps, I’m a voyeuristic sadist, enjoying watching the pain of others and occasionally being a tool to assist in the causing of the pain. I think part of that also comes from knowing how much I enjoy the sensation they are receiving. So it is a sympathetic or empathetic enjoyment, as well as enjoying the interactions for themselves and the people involved.
I think I will stop there for the moment. I have another topic to write about, but it is much bigger and more personal. So I’ll post this as it’s own post, and work on the next one separately. What are your thoughts on fashion, pain and enjoyment?