Beauty is Pain
December 9th, 2010
A lot on my mind this week, so I may end up with several posts, just going to start typing and see where I end up.
I had a couple random ideas last week. The first being around forced feminization. Wikipedia defines it as: when a man is forced to put on women’s clothes and instructed how to behave and talk Yes, I am a girl, yes, I previously owned skirts and dresses. But I only wore them for Very special occasions – weddings for the most part, once I got out of school, and the Renaissance Festivals. Currently, at his request, and because it is too cold for shorts in December, I wear skirts four days a week, not always the entire day, but two of those days, it is generally two different skirts or dresses.
I regularly have people bring me skirts and dresses to increase my “girlish” wardrobe. I am often teasingly scolded for my lack of stockings. At play parties, I am often told I need more appropriate footwear. One of the groups I’m involved with in town has caused me to buy more lingerie in two years than I have ever owned in my entire life. Last time my mother visited, I even let her take me shopping to buy multiple skirts, and bought a couple on my own at a thrift store, and I don’t even buy clothes for myself normally. As noted last week, skirts and other girl clothes are big items on my wish list this year.
I think Wikipedia would consider all this to be consensual feminization, but every now and then I pause and wonder. Wow, when did I become such a girl? And then I feel better about myself when I get an invitation to shopping event involving make-up, manicures, perfume and other such things, and I remember that I am not that much of a girlie girl. Nothing wrong with all those things, they are just not me. I’ll stick with dressing more like a girl, because it not only makes the men happy, but it also helps me feel good about myself and my body.
Second random thought was about masochism and sadism. Back to Wikipedia: Sadism is pleasure in infliction of pain or humiliation upon another person, while masochism is pleasure in receiving the pain. I went to a class taught by Midori earlier this year, where she discussed the term pain, and her preference for “intense stimulation” instead because pain can encompass so many things that are not pleasurable. But that is neither here nor there, my thoughts were running along the lines of what am I really? I identify as a pain slut, so masochist is obvious.
But I also top violet wand scenes, delight in watching him giving others intense sensations and find entertainment in my own intense sensations causing distress in others. Does this make me a sadist? The latter two are not me inflicting pain or sensation, just enjoying the results of someone else doing so. When I top electric scenes, I am not doing so to cause pain. I enjoy making people squirm and squeak, but usually I’m trying to ticklish spot. I do not go for the screaming and the expressions of pain. It is intense stimulation, I agree, but I’m doing it to teach and share my experiences and enjoyable stimulation. I do not get joy out of Causing pain and am hesitant to even try, though I can be enlisted as restraints, tickler or biter.
So, perhaps, I’m a voyeuristic sadist, enjoying watching the pain of others and occasionally being a tool to assist in the causing of the pain. I think part of that also comes from knowing how much I enjoy the sensation they are receiving. So it is a sympathetic or empathetic enjoyment, as well as enjoying the interactions for themselves and the people involved.
I think I will stop there for the moment. I have another topic to write about, but it is much bigger and more personal. So I’ll post this as it’s own post, and work on the next one separately. What are your thoughts on fashion, pain and enjoyment?
30th Birthday Ruminations
July 22nd, 2010
I posted to the blog my mother reads today, listing what these past thirty years have gotten me. One of the listings was “A wonderful husband.” I had the urge to continue that line with “and two amazing boyfriends.” That being the simplest wording to describe the incredible men I am involved with. My best friend and I joked that it would make my mother’s head explode, and would therefore only be worth it if we could witness the event. I joked about asking my father to record it for us. It did not occur to me that his head might explode, too. I know he would not approve, he performed the ceremony where we promised to be monogamous after all, but he is far more calm and at ease with life than she is. I worry about what my family would think/does think of me. The never ending search for their approval does not drive me, but it does influence me. It is a heavy mask to wear, pretending to be what I think they want me to be, but even after 30 years, I’m not ready to put it aside.
Another thing I posted in that blog was “More books … than I care to count…” but in thinking about that, I don’t have any kink books. We do have a couple poly books, The Ethical Slut and Opening Up, and I have a climbing book that I learned knots out of. I believe we have the Tao of Sex or some such thing, as well. But no books on BDSM, D/s or Bondage. We have borrowed books here and there, Two Knotty Boys and Rope, Bondage and Power being the most notable in my mind. I don’t believe we even own The Story of O. About the only kinky fiction I own that isn’t on the computer is Wizard’s First Rule, because you know Denna makes one hell of a Dominatrix.
I had a very frustrating phone conversation yesterday, and when I got online, he was looking at shiny dresses and it cheered me up. I poked around a found a few myself, and a really scary vinyl girlscout dress, too. I also went over to Sub-Shop.com and updated my Shiny shopping list with a few little pieces. I’ve never been one for retail therapy, but with my birthday coming up, it’s fun to figure out what I might spend the money my parents sent me on, aside from a pair of slacks for work.
So, I turn 30 on Saturday, and life is not just good, but better than I could have imagined. It’s not easy, it’s not perfect, but it is wonderful and exciting and crazy and fun. I am loved and accepted by those closest to me, and the future is shiny.
Shiny
March 12th, 2010
She was shiny. Head to toe, black latex covered not quite every inch of flesh. High heeled stiletto shoes over form fitting latex stockings, all the way up to mid thigh, stopping just short of a short slick jacket over an even shorter little black, curve-hugging dress. He was sure that if she bent over just right, he would see shiny black panties peeping out at him. Even her hands, nervously adjusting her clothes were covered in the stuff. She caught him looking at her and brightened, his smile washing away her nerves as she beamed back at him, shining as much as her clothes.
“You look good.” He held out a hand to her.
“Thank you.” She went to him, wobbling only slightly on the unfamiliar heels, stockings swishing as she walked, and took his hand.
“Turn for me.” He lifted her hand and she spun in a slow circle, giving him full view of her outfit. “You did well.”
“Glad you like it.”
He undid the belt around her coat, and pulled it aside, pushing it down off her arms to reveal bare skin from shoulder to elbow. He kissed and nibbled her skin as it was uncovered. He paused to hang the jacket on the back of his chair he turned back to her, running his hands down her smooth sides.
“I like it very much.”
He slid one hand around the back of her neck, catching her hair tightly, pulling her against himself. Kissing her softly, he ran his other hand down her back and over her ass, enjoying the feel of her tightly encased body. Slipping his hand up the inside of her thigh, he found what he was looking for, slippery panties to match her outerwear. He teased a murmur out of her and then withdrew his hand.
He stepped back half a step, and took another look at her, fingertips running along the curves of her dress, down her thighs to the tops of the stockings. He turned her around, walking fingertips on her thighs, and then trailed them up to the top of her dress. Catching the zipper, he pulled it down, savoring the sound. Then he peeled back the dress, his mouth following his fingers, licking, nibbling and kissing the exposed flesh. He pushed it off her arms and let it fall to the floor.
Grabbing her shiny hips, he turned her back to face him, and kissed her hungrily. His hands rose to her breasts, fondling, and squeezing. Fingers found nipples and pinched, eliciting a gasp into his kiss. He kissed down her neck and chest, first to the right breast, nibbling and sucking on her hard nipple and then across to the left, devouring her flesh as gloved hands stroked his hair.
His hands slid down to her waist, hooking fingers in the top of her panties. He glanced at her eyes, dark and eager. He kissed down her belly and then started to slide her underwear down, following with soft kisses over her mound, tongue flitting out as he slid them down her thighs and calves. She stepped out of them, gloved hands now finding balance on his shoulders, and he pressed in, with fingers and tongue, finding a different kind of slickness.
She moaned softly and pressed against him, her arms and legs still covered in shiny latex. He ran his hands down her thighs and calves, enjoying the feel of her as she shivered against him. He stood up, trailing hands from latex to flesh, and down her arms to latex again.
“So delicious.”
He picked her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist, arm around his shoulders. He paused to savor the moment and then carried her to his bed, tossing her playfully down where she lay open and waiting to be fully devoured.
All I Want For Christmas
December 23rd, 2009
Wish list of things I’m not getting for Christmas, but some day… I always love some day… it’s going to be such a great day…
Black Leather Straitjacket
Heavy Canvas – Suspension-worthy Straitjacket
200′ of Hemp that smells like Hemp (yes, I’m still a bit bitter)
Black Leather Boned Corset
Black Leather Skirt
Full-body Fishnets
Fishnet Stockings
Matching Black Silk Bras and Panties(some say it oughta be a thong)
Purple, Red, Black, Green, Blue Lingerie sets
A Little Black Dress
“Proper Footwear” ™
- slippers for the lingerie
- heels for the LBD
- thigh-high boots
- etc.
A Nice Black Garter
Stockings