Winter Blues, Spring Fever

April 10th, 2017

I have been terrible about posting these last few months, and I do apologize, my dear readers. The cold weather that came along with winter this year (and maybe even the lack of pretty snow to go with it), had me near hibernating most of the time. Wrapped up in blankets on my couch, not being very creative at all, for months.

Now, it is Spring. Easter is right around the corner. Today, I have my curtains and blinds open. My windows are letting in fresh air. I have tidied up my entire apartment. And birds are chirping happily just outside.

(And, also, the WoW servers are down. 😉  )

I’m not going to make any promises about posting, but I hope that I can make a turn for the better. I’ve bought plenty of fresh vegetables. I’ve gotten off prednisone. I’m working towards a better quality of life.

On the relationship side of things, the poly family is adjusting rather well to the ‘new’ addition. We’ve had a few schedule bumps along the way, but, with patience and talking, we have sorted them (and the reactions to them) out. My other guy is now occasionally referring to us as dating, so that’s a nice change. We have schedule bumps, too, and we’re heading for at least one or two more when he gets a new job. But we’ll work it out.

I really like that we are all able to talk about things openly and figure it out. Life isn’t perfect, and change is constant. But I wouldn’t miss a single bump, because of all the joy my relationships, friends, and families bring.

 

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Quiet Holidays

December 15th, 2016

I posted a lot in November, and haven’t posted since. Sorry about that. I’ve been taking lots of Me Time. Playing video games, watching Netflix, relaxing, and even some cooking. Looking forward to some quiet holidays. I’ve got my usual short family visit at some point, puppy-sitting, and a small NYE gathering coming up. A nice quiet holiday season.

There was a nice class on tea/dinner service last night. My favorite part of the class was the discussion of Service as a cycle of energy exchange. The presenter discussed how the Recipient provides opportunities for the Server to provide service. The Server in turn, performs the actions. The recipient receives pleasure/comfort from the actions, and the server feels pleasure/comfort from performing the actions. There is also opportunity for gratitude, discussion, and compliments. Service is not one-sided. There have to be two engaged people, or you would have no one to serve.

Looking forward to the conventions coming up. DeCon and Winter Wickedness. I still have to get my tickets, but I should be good to go for both. I don’t have any particular plans, but to have a good time with friends and loved ones. I’m sure plans will get sorted out closer to. A bit distracted and thoughts scattered today. I’ll try and get back to posting substantial things again soon.

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Bedtime Thoughts

November 30th, 2016

It’s bedtime, so of course, my brain has woken up. It started with – I haven’t written in a couple days because of Busy. Then it went to, it’s the end of the month. Then, what haven’t I written about from my initial list. Hard Limits and Cuckqueaning came to mind.

Cuckqueaning had come into my head when I first wrote that list, as I thought about revising my hard limits list. Cuckqueaning – the female version of cuckolding – for a woman’s partner to have sex with another woman. In the kink sense, this is often done with the full knowledge, and sometimes in front of the cuckqueaned partner, where that partner derives sexual pleasure from their partner’s relations with another.  For me, this isn’t just “not my thing,” it feels emotionally harmful to me. Not other people doing it for their own pleasure, but if a partner of mine was to do it to me, as a sadomasochistic thing.

This isn’t about my partners playing with other people, or my partners having other partners. There have been teasing “threats” in the past of sitting me on one side of the room (in various states), while a partner did sexual things on the other side of the room with someone else. It was usually laughed off, and never followed through with. A comment earlier this year, teasingly suggesting I find someone other than myself to sexually please a partner triggered extremely negative feelings. Other things were going on, and it was part of the “no time to deal with this now” phase I had myself in, so I let it go and pushed it away to deal with later. I think this is all hitting on my degradation hard limit. To me, this falls into that category of not good for me. Along with the “not ____ enough” bullshit my mind throws up with no outside help.

So, my Hard Limits are pretty simple these days, with him: Nothing that would likely end up with me in hospital or jail or morgue. No physical, emotional, mental, or financial Harm. With other people, I think my post from November 17th, 2013 is still pretty valid. Every now and then, I just find new things that fall under the currently listed categories.

 

What else haven’t I touched on? Whipping Post. Skin Time. Private Time. Art. I think I’ve touched on all the rest of the list, in one way or another. So, let’s take these, one at a time, to finish up the month. (There might be another post later today, depending on how things go.)

Whipping Post. He’s been practicing a lot with his whip lately – I mentioned this earlier this month. Trying out some new swings – one that’s really heavy. It reminds me of whipping post scenes from movies, like in Mockingjay. Obviously, he’s not taking my skin off – that’s a no-no around here, plus I can barely stand for the strikes as they are. I want to stand up to the strikes, but we’re generally out in the middle of a big empty room, nothing to brace against. Not to mention it is cold and I’m usually not terribly warmed up for that sort of thing when we’re doing it. But there’s an inkling of curiosity, morbid though it may be.

Skin Time. One of the things I really enjoy with my unlabeled partner(I really need to pick an alias of some sort) is skin time. Time to just be naked with one another. Our skin touching, fingertips brushing lightly, hands warming bare flesh. The feeling of us together, pressed close, sharing warmth and sensation fully. It is a completely different type of connection than just snuggling up fully clothed (also a nice thing to share). And it is more precious to me than I realized before I was without it for so long.

Private Time. In our busy lives, it is often hard to find private time with him. We have poly family nights, and we have practice/class nights, and we have club nights. Given our schedules and the relative locations of our homes and venues, we hardly ever ride to things together any more. Lately, though, his wife has had things to do early on our family nights, so we’ve had time to catch up before she gets home. But it’s always with the knowledge that her arrival, if not imminent, is still fairly soon.

I know, should I need to have a conversation, or some such, I can let him know, and time will be made. But the yearning is different than that, and too undefined for me to form a request. I miss having time for just us, but I haven’t the slightest idea where we could create it these days. Or what we would do with it, given everything. Once again, I’m back to the sentiments from my Asking post – figure out what I’m looking for, and remember to ask.

Art. Writing is my art. It is my passion. It is my way of putting little bits of my soul into the world. It creates happiness within me, and brings me peace. I have very much enjoyed getting so many thoughts down on “paper” and out into the world this month. Of locking my inner critic up, for the most part, and just letting myself speak my truths. At this point I’m crossing 9,500 words, not anywhere near the NaNo goal of 50K, but it has been good for me, and I hope to continue it forward. I hope you, dear readers, have enjoyed this month as much as I have.

Now, maybe my brain will let me go to sleep. 😉

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Thanks Giving 2016

November 24th, 2016

I am thankful for my families. My parents for being supportive in all the ways they can. My brother for being the best brother he can, and a good father to my nephew and nieces. My boyfriend and his wife, for making me a part of their family. My crew family, for coming together, working together, and taking care of each other. My other crew family, for very much the same things, and for fighting together, for a better future.

I am thankful for my friends. Living all over the globe, we still are connected. We still share each other’s joys and sorrows. And when we meet up, there is no space between us. I am thankful for all the love, support, advice, stories, and pictures that we share.

I am thankful for my community. We are like a family. There are still squabbles, and not everyone gets along. But we have built an awesome community anyway. We are strong, we are varied, and we are full of acceptance for one another, and opportunities to share with each other.

I am thankful for my boyfriend. Who has seen me through thick and thin. Who has stuck by me even in the darkest of places. Who has brought a light, and a mirror, to help me see. Who brings me love and joy, and shares the load of sorrows and pain. Who knows just how to make me scream or cry or laugh or fly. Who always makes me feel heard, appreciated, and cared for. And who trusts me to give all these things to him.

I am thankful for my label-less partner. Who brings his own brand of care. Who shares his heart and his mind with me. Who helps me feel attractive, desirable, and unashamed. Who introduces me to new authors, new movies, and new shows with such unbounded enthusiasm, even when they are heartbreakingly unfinished. Who, though not certain about poly, is still eager to share some of his time and life with me.

I am thankful for the life that I lead, the opportunities I have been given, the love, support, and joy that surround me. I am thankful to live in this place, at this time, with so much ahead of us all. I am thankful to you, my dear readers, for making me part of your lives.

Thank you.

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This Brain of Mine, it has a mind of its own

November 20th, 2016

That was not where I intended to take the previous post. But that is where it went. A lot of things have been going on, and I promised myself I would not censor this month. So, I let my fingers go where my exhausted brain directed. And I am pretty much exhausted, drained, and worn out.

But, for all of that, it has been a good weekend. I spent Friday night at the club, reaching out to teach the community about what it is that my crew offers, and helping provide a safe place for everyone to explore. I was present for a very moving Masters Capping ceremony. I got to spend time playing with him, and sharing love with my chosen family.

On Saturday, I got to spend a very nice night with my other chosen family. Sharing drinks, food, music, and laughter. As well as plenty of hugs, cuddles, kisses, nibbles, and yes, even the glitter of a metamour.  Today, there was open, honest, passionate conversation, for the coming together, and not just moving forward, but upward, towards building better things.

Work is going to suck tomorrow, but I spent the weekend doing what I love, with those that I love. Every minute, every smile, and every tear was worth it.

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Missing Days

November 18th, 2016

I keep missing days. This week has been especially bad for it. Stress and life keep be busy and distracted. Two jobs, a busy social schedule, and making/eating way too much food due to the above. I made a pretty decent dinner last night – chicken, veggies, and potatoes. All good. But then I made half an apple crisp (bread pan, not brownie pan)… and ate it all. Halloween was three weeks ago, but I’ve been eating chocolate almost every day since. And not just at work, but buying chocolate when my Mom visited, too. Bags of dark chocolate bark – on almonds and one pretzels. Delicious, I’ve gotta slow down, get back to dessert once a week. Unfortunately, we’re heading into the holidays – Thanksgiving next week, and Advent and Christmas after. And work is planning a “dessert potluck” at the beginning of December – as if we don’t have enough cakes and cookies there already. I may need to get a different job just to get away from all the sweets, let alone for financial reasons.

So, I’m missing days of writing, because I let myself get distracted. I moving so quickly through life, going from one thing to the next, that when I sit down at night, I just want to shut off. I’m feeling more forgetful, too. Leaving things places. Not remembering reminders I’ve been asked to give him. I put stuff in my phone, but it’s a flip-phone, so I have to remember to dig into the note file to see what I’m supposed to remember. It’s almost as bad as the Remembrall from Harry Potter.

None of this is helping all the feelings of insecurity and uncertainty. I try to set schedules to create a feeling of stability – but my body overrides it more than not. A job with flexible hours is great, but trying to convince an exhausted body to go in when I “really don’t have to” is, at times, impossible. I do better going when someone Else is expecting me (my regular boss, him, the gaming guys). Same way I am with studying. Sure, I love learning new things, but unless someone else is expecting an assignment turned in, I don’t prioritize it.

I’ve spent most of my life focused on making other people happy. Living up to the expectations of my parents, my teachers, my bosses, even my boyfriends. He has been very good at helping me remember to put some focus on myself, on creating health and happiness for me. But even that has an outward focus half the time – “cannot serve from an empty cup.” It isn’t for me, it’s so I can serve him. We often talk about how someone with a serious problem won’t change just because you want them to change. They have to want to change themselves.

Change is hard. I’ve made a lot of changes in my life over the past few years. Got a new degree, changed job fields, changed jobs, changed apartments, started seeing a new guy. Soon there will be a divorce. And soon there will be another job change. For someone who spent 13 years in one job, this has been a very stressful year – two internships, three jobs, and looking for a fourth. Trying to create a new “normal” for myself.

I did an experiment at the beginning of fall, to try to change some of my habits – create new habits. I bribed myself to do these things each day, with money I didn’t really have, but could find and reallocate to something “fun” for myself. It worked somewhat well for two months. But once stress reared up again, the habits disappeared. It made me a bit more aware of the bad habits I was trying to replace, but it has not continued to be much of a change. A tiny baby step in the right direction. I need to make more.

Winter is coming, and I’ve got to stay motivated. I’ve got to stop missing days, not just of writing, but productivity. I accomplished a good bit while Mom was in town, but as soon as she left, progress slowed to a crawl. I am important, I am worth the effort, I am “fantastic and wonderful” by his words this morning. Words I really needed to hear today. Words I need to believe in and act on.

I am very lucky in this life, to have this life. Full of love and friends and family. A job, an apartment, enough food, a car. I have the opportunity to follow my dreams and desires. I cannot let that go to waste. I will stop missing days, and live this life to the fullest.

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Asking

November 6th, 2016

There are a lot of platitudes in relationships about communication – especially if you happen to be in poly relationships. But, let me go ahead a list a few – The most important thing in a relationship is communication, Communication is the key, S(he) cannot read your mind – you have to tell Her/Him, You have to Ask for what you want. And they are all true, to a point.

I’d argue that the most important thing in a relationship is trust, that without trust, you have nothing to talk about. I’d argue that, after you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, while they still can’t read your mind, there are something things they should know or remember, that you shouldn’t have to keep telling them. But, I don’t argue that you have to ask for what you want, though I concede, most strongly, that this can be Very Hard.

Because asking for what you want makes you vulnerable. Opens yourself up for pain and/or rejection. But it also opens you up for joy and compassion. Asking for what you want can be very scary. What if the answer is no? What if they think it’s crazy you even asked? What if the answer isn’t just no, but never? What if they say yes, but don’t really mean it? What if they say yes, but then it never happens? Or sometimes, the scariest question is, what if they say Yes?

Let’s face it folks, loving anyone makes you vulnerable. And if you can’t be vulnerable with the people you love, who else is there?

Doubt and uncertainty, for me at least, are far worse monsters in my head, than vulnerability. Do I ask for everything I want? Of course not, I’m not perfect, far from it. But do I try? Do I ask for what I want and need? As often as I can. Do I ask for what I desire? Far less often, but I’m working on it.

My biggest trouble with asking for what I need/want/desire, is that I often haven’t taken the time to sit down and figure out what that is. That’s what I’m trying to work on with all this writing. Getting my head in order, so I can get my heart, my life, in order. Really suss out where I am, and where I’m going, and where I want to be.

Generally, I state my relationship needs as: Attention, Appreciation, Affection. I need him to give me his attention, meaning spending time with me, paying attention to me. I need to be appreciated, as a person and a partner. I need to feel his love for me through hugs, kisses, snuggles. My relationship wants vary between partners, and are generally extensions of my needs, but more specific things. And these are the things I need to nail down better, but I generally feel like they are being mostly met. Desires are generally more fleeting – scenes or play, dinners or dates, events or experiences.

Desires were once described to me as “the cherry on top” things. And are thus, the most difficult for me to ask for. These are the extras, the special things, the “rewards.” And I often let myself feel like I don’t “deserve” them. Or I’m silly for desiring them. Or there are more important things going on than worrying about some frivolous idea I had. Or that I’m being selfish to ask for something for myself. I’m supposed to be serving him, after all.

::Shakes head::

That’s a lovely spiral, and one that needs broken. It isn’t about “deserving,” and it never has been. The people I’m with, that choose to spend their time with me, want me to be happy. They want be able to give me those little things that will make me feel cherished, and they can’t do that unless they know what they are.

Ask.

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Single Secondary & Finding a Primary

November 3rd, 2016

Single Secondary? A lot of folks like the Primary/Secondary wording of relationships in poly, probably just as many don’t. I use Secondary to describe myself, because the two guys I’m with both live with their other partner, share a house, finances, responsibilities, etc. with that person. Those partners are their primary concern. And Single, because I don’t have that type of partner in my life right now. But I only use those words together – Single Secondary. I am, by no means, single – and would never present myself that way to a potential partner. But, I am without a Primary/house-sharing partner.

And some days this bothers me more than others. Due to events outside my control, or when I can’t open a jar (yes, I have things to help me with that), or when I spend weekends alone (especially when I want to go to a movie, and don’t want to go alone), when I’m not feeling well/feeling stressed and just want someone to hold me. And sometimes, it doesn’t bother me at all. When I’m so busy, I don’t know when I’d fit another person into my life, when I’ve done lots of people-ing and just want Me Time, when I make a batch of Crispix Mix and just want to eat it all myself. 😉

I’ve occasionally thought about putting something in the “Looking for” section of Fetlife. But the truth is, I’m not. Not Looking. Wanting maybe, desiring yes, but not looking. Looking implies doing something to obtain, searching. About the only “searching” I’ve done for a primary lately, was curiously looking through my Facebook friends list to see if I even Knew any single guys. The answer – Very Few. And the thought of going typical routes to “find” a single guy – bars, OKC, etc. just makes me shudder.

I’m an introvert – I don’t do small talk well. It irritates me when strangers walk up and try to talk to me about nothing. I don’t know you, if you want my time, say something intelligent/interesting, otherwise why are you bothering me? Which isn’t fair, most of the time they are just trying to say Hi, I see you, I’d like to talk to you. But I’m not skilled at that kind of conversation. I don’t know how to respond to it “appropriately.” My gut reaction is usually, Hi, I see you, too, go away, I’m busy. Especially if it is at our Fet Nights.

It’s worse online – Fetmails are ridiculous if you’re a girl.  They range between, “Hey, I like your pics, we should talk” to “Yer sexy, ya wanna fuck” to wildly inappropriate descriptions of sexual acts from complete strangers to requests for fetishes that aren’t even in your profile let alone wheelhouse.  I’m not even sure anymore how many requests I’ve gotten to meet perfect strangers in a hotel room alone, because they “have an important/public job” and can’t “be seen at public kink functions” or at an airport hotel while they’re passing through town. GTFO creepers. It’s really hard to even begin conversations when they all seem to start like this. The least creepy of the messages I get tend to be from “new to the area/community” and get a response from me of a list of the local groups (with links) to come out and meet people at. None of these people, to my knowledge, have approached me at any of these public events.

So, what’s a girl to do? Mostly, I just keep being me. Keep going to the things I go to. Keep getting my life in order. Keep an open mind, and an open heart, and have fun. Looking has never gotten me anywhere, things come when they’re meant to, and desperation is never attractive. 😉

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Self-Image

September 1st, 2016

I look at myself, and what do I see? Scar tissue, stretch marks, and scratches. A bent arm. A swollen wrist. Hair that just won’t act “professional.” Thighs that won’t fit into my old slacks and jeans. A small, but still annoying, wheat belly. Pasty, pale skin. Dark circles under my eyes. A wonky jaw. Callused feet.

I look at myself through another’s eyes, and what do I see? A sly smirk, and smiling eyes. Wavy, soft hair. A strong body, and soul. Arms that can carry a load. Legs that can stand all day, and still run around at night. Soft skin, and smooth curves.

Show me what you see? Tell me I am beautiful? Make me believe?

It isn’t everyday that I have trouble with my self-image, but it is many days. In high school and much of college, I wore baggy t-shirts, and sweatshirts. My body was a thing to hide. As I got older, and married, then into dating again, I wore tighter shirts, and skimpier clothes at clubs and parties. Learning to be more confident in my body.

Now, I’ve reached the point that many of my clothes are growing tighter, or not fitting at all. My last doctor visit showed my weight higher than I ever remember it being. I don’t feel bigger, but I don’t feel confident, either.

And my independent spirit rebels – I don’t need someone else to tell me I’m attractive. But some days, I do. I’m not asexual, I want to be attractive to others, not myself. And I know I am, there is evidence, even sober evidence. It’s just that, like many of us, it is sometimes hard to believe.

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State of Things

July 13th, 2016

Not much is going on in my kinky life these days. I go to the weekly class and practice, and the monthly class and party. But, other than my “duties” as part of crew, I don’t do a whole lot. He pokes me a bit here and there at these events, but we’re both too busy/otherly focused/exhausted/stressed to do much more than drive-bys.

I have my weekly poly-family night with him and his wife, and that’s nice – we have tasty dinners and veg in front of the TV and chat about work and life. I’m usually managing a once-a-month visit up north, to see the new guy, who I guess is not so new any more, to hang out, eat tasty food, and enjoy one another. Soon, he’ll be living down here, then we have a whole new scheduling game to play. It’s a pretty good life, I’ve got. Just not terribly exciting.

And that’s okay. I’m working two jobs, trying to balance work-life-sleep-money, and enjoying the love, friendship, and family I have. He asks me fairly often if I’m happy – yes, I’m happy. Do I want/wish for more in life/out of life? Sure, but who doesn’t? We’re a very motivated, ambitious, and curious people. We always want more – more money, more time, more excitement, more things, more experiences, more sex, more play, more, more, more. But that doesn’t mean I’m not happy with what I’ve got.

Right now, my focus of “more” is on getting a better job and a better apartment. A better job so I can afford the other “mores” I want, and have a better schedule to have time for the other “mores,” too. A better apartment so I can have people over without them dying of heat stroke, or being annoyed at the shouty neighbors, to facilitate other “mores” with friends and family.

The state of things bigger than my little world? Well, that’s a whole other ball of crazy wax.

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