Body Awareness

February 19th, 2018

I’ve been meaning to post for a couple weeks now, but Things keep happening that distract or exhaust me. I’m working on posting more, though, so, I’ve got a few minutes now. I’ll try to remember what I wanted to talk about.

I have gained weight in the past couple years. A lot of weight, for me. An increase of body weight by 33% or so. This has come with a lot of clothing fit issues, and frustrations. But that’s only relevant for this blog in that I need to buy new party clothes at some point. At Halloween, I solved this problem by cutting holes all over one dress so it fit me still. There was a necropolis theme, so I put a red fish net under that one so it looked interestingly red through the holes.

Anyway. That’s not what I wanted to talk about. Rope. Rope is what I wanted to talk about. My body has never really behaved itself in the more strenuous ties I enjoy, but I’ve pushed through, one way or another. We’ve adjusted things “because my arms are dumb,” but I’ve always been able to manage.

It’s different now. Partially because more joints are acting up, but also because thin ropes hurt more with my bigger body. There are certain ties that have always cut in harshly, but now they cut in even more. I’ve never had a flat stomach, but now the ropes roll even more.

I know there is nothing wrong with having a bigger body than I’ve had before. I’m approaching 40 after all. And there are ways to mitigate the bite – thicker ropes, more bands, different ties. I am lucky to have a rope top who is willing to make adjustments and learn new ties so that it works with my body.

We’ve been working lately on a no-arms butterfly chest harness by Gorgone, and it’s wonderful. We even dredged up an old MOco hip harness we learned a few years ago to deal with the lower half. Once we get it sorted again, I’m confident it’ll work, too. And I love that he is willing to do this, to work harder and through frustration to find ways to get me in the air. I’m so very grateful.

I, however, need to work harder to be aware of my body. To take care of my body, and to keep it in better shape to do the things I want to do. I’ve got an eeling class to bottom for next month, and while I was snarky at the top’s questioning of my ability, I am a bit nervous if my body will be compliant to my desires.

I can’t blame meds I stopped taking over a year ago. I can’t blame my disease for all the time I spend on the couch. I can’t blame finances for all the pasta and bread I eat. I can’t blame my jobs for “having no time” when I sit around watching Netflix. I have to be more active and aware of my body and it’s needs.

I keep track of the things I eat, and track of when I do healthy things. But I do not, often enough, use that collected information to institute change. I have added a small set of exercises to my routine, but they aren’t cardio. I’ve started skating, but only twice a month. I reward myself for eating veggies, but I just ignore it when I don’t, and I don’t pay attention to amount of veggies eaten.

Body awareness and acceptance does nothing if I don’t do anything about it. Doc appointment tomorrow, hopefully we can balance out my meds for a start. I can’t blame it all on the disease, but less pain will help my motivation.

Plans can be made, but I must also follow through. Not just wait for “it will be better when…”

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2017 Has Begun

January 31st, 2017

I haven’t posted this month. I have reasons(excuses), but really, I just haven’t had the energy. I’ve had lots of ideas flitting through my head: in one hear, bouncing around for a few moments, and then slipping right out again before I got pen to paper. I should write things down faster, I guess. 😉

Most of my energy this month has gone to interviews, my chosen family, and politics. My gods, the politics. I don’t even want to get into all of that insanity. Not right now. Not here. I just wanted to let my readers know that I’m still here, and I’m still going to be writing.

Winter Wickedness is this weekend, and it’s the least prepared for a big event I’ve ever been. Ah well, it’ll be a casual one, I guess. I am planning on having one new outfit, possibly for the pirate theme, more likely not. We shall see how shopping goes.

With any luck, I’ll have plenty of fodder for posts next week. 🙂

 

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Oops

September 18th, 2016

Two weeks in, and I’ve already messed up at writing/posting more. I have my reasons and my excuses – moving, super stressful weekend last weekend, etc. etc. But those won’t solve anything. I even had things I wanted to write about last weekend. I don’t remember them now. It was the big event I didn’t go to last weekend, so there were things I wanted to say instead. I wish I had at least written them down. Ah well. It’s a new week, new things to say. In theory. 😉

I’m slowly working on tidying up. I’ve gone through clothes so far, sold a couple pieces and donated three bags, and thrown out another bag worth. Some of that my club/event clothes, or things that were pretending to be club/event clothes, that I never actually wore anymore. Getting rid of objects I don’t/won’t use anymore. The book I read says to keep only things that bring you joy. In order to create a home that fills you with joy. So, that’s my goal.

I want to create a home in my new place, that fills me with calm, joy, and creativity. I want it to be a space where I can (and want to) create many things – a new life, new writings, new projects, new relationships, and new bonds in current relationships.

Life can stagnate, if you let it. Working the same tired job, with the same tired attitude, doing the same things every day, every week. Losing sight of your dreams and your goals. Losing sight of the wide variety of experiences just waiting out there for you. But life is change, living is being in a constant state of change. Of learning, of experiencing, of doing.

I’ve been differently focused lately – focused on moving, on stresses, on things I don’t want to do. I even showed up in Pants on Friday night. The skirt and dress were right next to me in my bag, but my focus was on too many negative things, that I walked right up to him in jeans. He had to say something before I even realized what his expression meant.

He asked me whatever happened to “just do” and I made some smart-assed comment in reply. He had just found those paragraphs again while cleaning, and wanted to share it with me. (I just went looking for a post that included the paragraphs and could not find one, how odd.) And I walked up in Jeans. Yes, I definitely need to refocus.

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Self-Image

September 1st, 2016

I look at myself, and what do I see? Scar tissue, stretch marks, and scratches. A bent arm. A swollen wrist. Hair that just won’t act “professional.” Thighs that won’t fit into my old slacks and jeans. A small, but still annoying, wheat belly. Pasty, pale skin. Dark circles under my eyes. A wonky jaw. Callused feet.

I look at myself through another’s eyes, and what do I see? A sly smirk, and smiling eyes. Wavy, soft hair. A strong body, and soul. Arms that can carry a load. Legs that can stand all day, and still run around at night. Soft skin, and smooth curves.

Show me what you see? Tell me I am beautiful? Make me believe?

It isn’t everyday that I have trouble with my self-image, but it is many days. In high school and much of college, I wore baggy t-shirts, and sweatshirts. My body was a thing to hide. As I got older, and married, then into dating again, I wore tighter shirts, and skimpier clothes at clubs and parties. Learning to be more confident in my body.

Now, I’ve reached the point that many of my clothes are growing tighter, or not fitting at all. My last doctor visit showed my weight higher than I ever remember it being. I don’t feel bigger, but I don’t feel confident, either.

And my independent spirit rebels – I don’t need someone else to tell me I’m attractive. But some days, I do. I’m not asexual, I want to be attractive to others, not myself. And I know I am, there is evidence, even sober evidence. It’s just that, like many of us, it is sometimes hard to believe.

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COPE 2015

September 11th, 2015

Check-in, in just 4 hours. Pondering doing a little shopping. As always, stories to come, after. 🙂

 

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WW

February 5th, 2015

::Bounces around excitedly:: Less than 24 hours away!

As usual, the better posts will come after the weekend. Stay tuned for the Adventures of the Perverted Imp…

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A Good Start to the Year

January 6th, 2015

I keep wanting to write about last week, but I am not sure where to start, or where to stop, or what to say. I had a wonderful New Year’s Eve, playing Starfarers of Catan with occasional distractions, and then snuggling for warmth, and getting my New Year’s kiss from him, and nibbles from another.

I spent New Year’s Day playing “dress the monkey” with money my mother sent for interview clothes. I did not succeed in getting the skirt I intended to, but it’s still on the list. And he decided we’re going to another rope con later this month, so that’ll be fun!

I had a great time at Fet Night. Got shoulder bites from the bitey one, who I don’t think I’ve ever named on here. And much snuggling, light touches, back rubbing, hair grabbing, air blowing, and nibbles. They weren’t sure which was more entertaining, the noises I made, or my squirming. The people peeking in didn’t seem all that interested in three people still wearing all their clothes, though. Too bad for them.

He and I were going to work with the knots we have been practicing, but time got away from us. He ended up beating me with the devil pop instead. Hands tight around the window frame of the electric cubby, and nose tight against a penny. Don’t drop it, or I won’t play with you for a month. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. But I didn’t drop it, until he said. Okay, this time two months. But I didn’t drop it! I know. ShitfuckshitOWfuckfuckfuck. And I didn’t, again. You know I would have followed through. I know, and two cons within that time, it would have SUCKED!

This coming weekend I have completely free, then geek con, rope con, week off, kink con. Ah, welcome to convention season.

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Halloween Ramblings

October 25th, 2014

Saturday afternoon. I’ve been up for a couple hours and should be eating lunch, or at least cooking something. Instead, I’ve done my usual run through the internet. Checked in on my Grad School groups, and now I’m rambling at an Office doc so that I have something to post for this week.

Next weekend is Trauma. Three nights of overly loud music, the stage show running hundreds of scenes, and performances that range from rope and hook suspensions to burlesque and body painting. It is one helluva Halloween celebration. And I can hardly wait until it is over. It will be fun to be there, but there is a lot of dread leading up to it, and a lot of exhaustion after. Not to mention I have a final group project due that weekend, too. Life would be so boring without all the insanity.

Going to a regular Halloween party tonight. Costuming is supposed to be Horror movie Villains and Victims. I really don’t do costuming… or horror movies. So the hostess will probably be annoyed at me, though only momentarily, as much drinking and dancing will also be occurring. (And I haven’t even begun to think about Trauma clothing!) Riding up with a friend, probably sleeping on the floor. It’s fun to pretend I’m not too old and broken for this. 😉

Been abusing my body this week, but not in the usual fun ways. More in the receiving manager gone for two days, so I had to receive over 450 boxes by myself, kind of way. I’m actually not doing nearly as bad today as I thought I would be. Lugging gear for the crew has kept me in minimally good shape after all.

Winter Wickedness tickets go on sale next weekend, too. Right in the middle of Trauma, as usual. I think he’ll probably do the same as previous years, so we can get our tickets as they go on sale and not have to stress about getting a room like we did with COPE. But we haven’t actually confirmed that plan, yet. Too much going on each week to really worry about February, yet. Though have some other exciting plans to sort out for late February, too, at some point.

One more week of two classes, and then a month of just one class. And then Winter Break! So looking forward to having a month off. Have to schedule spring classes Sunday night, to see when exactly I’ll be starting up again. I have plans of things to do and books to read. We’ll see how much of it actually gets done. Also, WoD comes out in November. I’m curious, but haven’t sorted out the finances of that, yet. Money sucks. Anyone need a kinky librarian who is halfway through her degree?

Happy Halloween! See you on the flip side.

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Introverted

September 5th, 2014

Went to a class on introverts this week. And I’m definitely feeling it. Draining day at work with yet another manager’s last day. This one made me actually cry. Never cried over a coworker leaving before. Don’t want to go out tonight. I don’t have to, but it would be useful if I did. I could run an errand for him, and pick up meds for myself. Frustrated over the meds, too. They still don’t have one of them.

I’ve been on my own more than usual lately, except for work. I should go say hi to people. Went out for gaming and class this week, but didn’t stay after class was over, except to buy a deck of Kink Starter cards. (Thanks, Mom and Dad, shhhhh, don’t tell them.)  Pondering going to a birthday bowling party tomorrow, too. So much socialness this week. On my own. Tomorrow’s more important to me. Maybe skip tonight.

And the TV just advertised pretzel-crust pizza. Okay, I think we’ve officially jumped the shark on preztel dough. Stop now.

COPE next weekend!!! Most people set up scenes. I’ve set up a couple conversations about future scenes. If time works out, as is usual with anything set up for COPE. 😉

Still haven’t decided on clothes, but I’ve got a few more ideas now. Looking forward to the crazy fun. 🙂

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COPE is Coming!

August 28th, 2014

Two weeks and a day until COPE! Looking forward to a great weekend. There are lots of awesome presenters, and so many great people going to be there, and let’s not forget the vendors with their pretty new toys. 🙂 And inch-worm races!!! Haven’t planned any outside-the polycule-scenes, but there are plans to sit down and chat with a couple people about future scenes. Just playing it by ear what with all the busy. Planning on wearing the outfit I made for him earlier this year, that he was too busy to enjoy at the time, probably on Saturday. Friday night… well, the theme is office fetish… Not sure What I’m going to do with that one… ah the fun of being a girl.

Not much else going on right now in my world. Hearing great news from around the globe, though. As good friends sort things out and new members are added to other polycules. I’m just getting through the first couple weeks of the new semester and snuggling with pets. And fighting a cold that had better be gone within a week.

So This Girl is pretty awesome.

And this video surprised me, not because I was surprised by mine, but because People do really strange things for “beauty”

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