Single Secondary & Finding a Primary

November 3rd, 2016

Single Secondary? A lot of folks like the Primary/Secondary wording of relationships in poly, probably just as many don’t. I use Secondary to describe myself, because the two guys I’m with both live with their other partner, share a house, finances, responsibilities, etc. with that person. Those partners are their primary concern. And Single, because I don’t have that type of partner in my life right now. But I only use those words together – Single Secondary. I am, by no means, single – and would never present myself that way to a potential partner. But, I am without a Primary/house-sharing partner.

And some days this bothers me more than others. Due to events outside my control, or when I can’t open a jar (yes, I have things to help me with that), or when I spend weekends alone (especially when I want to go to a movie, and don’t want to go alone), when I’m not feeling well/feeling stressed and just want someone to hold me. And sometimes, it doesn’t bother me at all. When I’m so busy, I don’t know when I’d fit another person into my life, when I’ve done lots of people-ing and just want Me Time, when I make a batch of Crispix Mix and just want to eat it all myself. 😉

I’ve occasionally thought about putting something in the “Looking for” section of Fetlife. But the truth is, I’m not. Not Looking. Wanting maybe, desiring yes, but not looking. Looking implies doing something to obtain, searching. About the only “searching” I’ve done for a primary lately, was curiously looking through my Facebook friends list to see if I even Knew any single guys. The answer – Very Few. And the thought of going typical routes to “find” a single guy – bars, OKC, etc. just makes me shudder.

I’m an introvert – I don’t do small talk well. It irritates me when strangers walk up and try to talk to me about nothing. I don’t know you, if you want my time, say something intelligent/interesting, otherwise why are you bothering me? Which isn’t fair, most of the time they are just trying to say Hi, I see you, I’d like to talk to you. But I’m not skilled at that kind of conversation. I don’t know how to respond to it “appropriately.” My gut reaction is usually, Hi, I see you, too, go away, I’m busy. Especially if it is at our Fet Nights.

It’s worse online – Fetmails are ridiculous if you’re a girl.  They range between, “Hey, I like your pics, we should talk” to “Yer sexy, ya wanna fuck” to wildly inappropriate descriptions of sexual acts from complete strangers to requests for fetishes that aren’t even in your profile let alone wheelhouse.  I’m not even sure anymore how many requests I’ve gotten to meet perfect strangers in a hotel room alone, because they “have an important/public job” and can’t “be seen at public kink functions” or at an airport hotel while they’re passing through town. GTFO creepers. It’s really hard to even begin conversations when they all seem to start like this. The least creepy of the messages I get tend to be from “new to the area/community” and get a response from me of a list of the local groups (with links) to come out and meet people at. None of these people, to my knowledge, have approached me at any of these public events.

So, what’s a girl to do? Mostly, I just keep being me. Keep going to the things I go to. Keep getting my life in order. Keep an open mind, and an open heart, and have fun. Looking has never gotten me anywhere, things come when they’re meant to, and desperation is never attractive. 😉


Comments are closed.