August 17th, 2014
That was the class I attended this week. I’ve heard these things before. I’ve been told most of them repeatedly. But this week, for whatever reason. I heard some of the words in a new way. Not just listened and nodded, really heard them.
It started with “What about me?” A way that insecurity and jealous often comes up for me. And one of the presenters was saying it. It was good to hear it said out loud, by someone else. To hear that I am not alone in feeling that way. He poked me and I nodded and smirked. Yes, I’m listening. And it felt good to hear.
And they answered that question a couple different ways, but the one that stuck with me was “It’s not about me.” What someone else is doing is not about me. When a sig other falls for someone else, it isn’t about me. When he plays with someone else, it isn’t about me. We are very self-centered, as humans. We see things from our own perspective, and sometimes, it’s really hard not to make everything about yourself. But, most of the time, it isn’t about me. Even when he’s interacting with me, it isn’t always about me. It could be about the hard day he has had, or the stress he is feeling, or allergies, or needing to sleep or eat. When a manager is snippy, it usually isn’t about me either, it’s about how they are feeling, or what they’re being told, or the stress they are experiencing.
I had a couple “what about me” moments later in the week, and I reminded myself, “it’s not about me.” And ya know what? It wasn’t. And I felt better just letting it go and enjoying myself.
The next thing I heard was about suffering. Suffering, they taught us, is not just about feeling bad, nor just about negative things. Suffering, in this case, is about being attached to things that are in the past, good or bad, instead of focusing on the now. And suffering is also writing stories about the future, instead of living in the now.
For me, this doesn’t mean forget the past or ignore the future. Rather, it reminds me that good or bad, the past is over, it’s not coming back, and I have to be present in the now. It reminds me that the future is uncertain and the only way to have a good one is to be present in the now. Do what is best right now, the future will come anyway.
So, my new goals are to stop living in fear of things that have gone wrong in the past. To stop living in fear of the unknown future. To enjoy my life right now. To share my life with those I love and tear down the walls I have built to hide behind. Here I come world. I am ready to live my life to the fullest.
August 15th, 2014
Photo courtesy of Maria opens up
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August 4th, 2014
His lips left hers, and she gasped hungrily, her hands reaching for him. He caught them in his, lifted them over her head and held them there. Kissing her again, pressing his body to hers. She sucked his tongue eagerly, hearing him moan and feeling him hardening against her. He grabbed her wrists in one hand, tighter, and his free hand dropped to a breast. He pinched her nipple, pulling on it, to elicit a moan from her, as well. Pinching harder as he pressed her against the bed.
Please, she whispered when he pulled back from the kiss.
I want you, she tried to pull her hands from his grip.
Naughty girl. He tightened his grip, pressing her hands firmly against the wall above her. But I want you, too. His free hand slid down her belly, one finger teasing between her lips to rub her clit. And I get what I want. His mouth descended on her nipple, teeth replacing fingers, biting and sucking as she screamed with pain and pleasure.
Please! she begged between gasps.
Please what? he asked between bites.
Please do, and don’t stop. His teeth descended on the other nipple as his fingertips slipped lower, rubbing faster.
She writhed and screamed and moaned. Orgasming against his hand, arching into his teeth, forgetting all about her trapped hands as she let go and let pleasure break over her body. Again and again.
I thought you’d never ask…
July 31st, 2014
“Close your eyes.”
She felt the cool caress of silk brush her eyelids, then the material wrap around her head, a tight knot forming against her head, the tails falling against her back. His hands paused a moment on her shoulders, fingers squeezing for reassurance.
Fingertips brushed her sides, as he lifted her shirt up over her head, pulling it up over her arms. She heard it fall to the floor beside them.
She let her arms fall as his hands slid around her waist, his chest pressing against her back, as he pulled open her jeans. His thumbs hooked into the sides as he slide them down. His lips trailing down her spine.
She stepped out of her pants, and as he stood, his hands trailed up her legs, bringing goosebumps to her skin.
She blushed and dropped her head, even though he was behind her and couldn’t see her face.
“Don’t. Don’t hide from me. I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
She forced her head back up, uncrossed arms she hadn’t realized she were crossed.
His hands were on her shoulders again. Warm, comforting. He rubbed the knots there, his lips resting on the back of her head, just above the knot.
“Relax. Let go.”
His arms wrapped around her shoulders, pulling her back against his chest. Just holding her for a moment.Waiting for the tension to slip away. She breathed in his scent, absorbed his warmth, settled into his arms.
He held her a moment longer. Then stepped just barely away. Fingertips brushing her skin on the way to her back. Deftly unsnapping her bra, and gently sliding it away. It fell to the floor in front of them with a whisper. He kissed her shoulders where the straps hand left their mark. Soft, warm lips on heated skin. His hands slid down her sides, catching the last scrap of clothing dividing them. Sliding it down, he lifted each foot in turn to free her.
When he came back up, his arms lifted her with him, one under her knees, the other around her back. He carried her to the bed just a few steps away, and laid her down on the soft duvet.
He caught her chin in his hand before she could turn away. Kissed her tenderly, and then settled in beside her. Light fingertips, running from chin to wrist and back up again. Tracing her collarbone, and running down her sternum to her belly. She giggled at the feathery touch and he kissed her again.
“And tonight, all mine.”
July 26th, 2014
I had a great birthday dinner with friends on Thursday evening. So glad he suggested it, and I didn’t let my sleepy brain reject the idea. More than twenty of us descended on a local Outback and had a great time eating, chatting and sliding our chairs around. (Mostly he slid his and my chairs around.) Was good to hang out with people just for the fun of it.
Feeling a bit down this evening, so putting on Dirty Dancing, to be followed by Footloose if I don’t fall asleep, to cheer myself up, 80s style. Just can’t seem to wake up today.
Club didn’t happen for crew last night, too many people ill or out of commission. I”ve been given a raincheck on my birthday spankings, though. So, no harm done, and I got to chat with folks I wouldn’t have otherwise. Month and a half until COPE, so far we’re planning on an inch-worm race. Should be very entertaining.
July 20th, 2014
Brain running all over the place. It’s almost still Saturday, so I should post. Or something. Legs have pretty bruises, from practice, where our resident woodwoorker brought new toys for everyone to try. “Wicked sticks” of two different thicknesses, a variety of lengths, and solid wooden handles. We had a lot of fun testing them out. I was told I should teach a class on how to not scream. There’s a gag-rule in place at our weekly venue, but we rarely pull out the gags. Reminds me of a comment from last weekend, a friend was talking about being shushed without being given a reason. I take shushing as a challenge, myself. Still having trouble with my hands though. He kept having to order me to stop touching him. My instinct to touch, if not stop, incoming hands has grown stronger and needs to be stamped down again.
We played CAH tonight, and my brain was being too rational. Fortunately, it was a very loud and rambuncious group, so my logical comments did not make it through the noise. And because we played CAH, my mind was thinking about sex a lot, too. Which, on the drive home, turned into “conversations that must be had before sex with a new partner.” Don’t ask me why, it was after 1am. Things like: What is your definition of Sex, Total number of sexual partners, When were you last tested for STDs, What is your STD history, What are your thoughts on Birth Control/sexual barriers. Cuz, someday, I might actually have another partner again. (Yes, it’s after 2am now, brain needs sleep.)
Birthday this week, yay!
July 12th, 2014
Are you wearing that as punishment, because I didn’t ask you to?
No, as an apology.
I was not wearing a skirt when he picked me up at the airport after my trip abroad. So, a few days later, at an event, I wore an extremely short skirt. I did not feel like I was being punished, I certainly wasn’t punishing myself, I was atoning for wearing jeans.
There is a time and place for punishment (usually properly discussed and agreed upon before the fact), but I much prefer atonement. I like to be active in making up for a mistake or lapse in mindfulness. Another time, he had me clean the mud out of the soles of his boots. This felt right to me, though I wish I’d had better tools to do it.
Punishment has a very negative connotation, a reinforcement of the bad feelings the mistake has caused. For someone who is very good at beating myself up, punishment makes it that much worse. Atonement has a much more positive connotation for me. I am doing something to bring happiness, to drive away the negative feelings and replace them with positive ones. And, being service oriented doesn’t hurt either, because doing for him makes me feel good to begin with.
At times, I’ve heard people say “don’t apologize, it doesn’t make it better.” And I think that’s where atonement comes in, too. Saying you’re sorry can only go so far, doing something to make it better, to make life better, can go so much farther.
July 12th, 2014
Mind is spinning on a lot of different topics. Topics I’ve talked about before, at length. Things happening that have happened before. I skimmed back through my blog, for previous posts to jump off from. But my thoughts aren’t organized. I’m looking back at Rape Culture Rant, Boundary Responsibility, and an article about Labeling Women as Crazy. I’m not even sure that these are the right places to start, so this might go a bit sideways. I didn’t find any posts about what I was looking for, because I didn’t post about it when it was happening. More on that below.
I’m frustrated again. And this time it isn’t My Community. It so far away, and it’s mostly people I don’t know. And there is nothing I can do about it. I sent a message of support, but I have no clue if it actually came across that way. No reply, but that’s not unusual. Things go wrong, things go badly, people react, people apologize, things are talked about, and people think it’s over. Then, years later, when memories have faded, or even warped. When things have been forgotten on one hand, and twisted on another. When someone pulls a trigger in a completely other direction, everything explodes again. There are witch hunts and badwagons, and everyone chooses sides. And there’s nothing I can do from here.
I recall being told, a couple years ago “that’s not the man I know.” I was glad for her, but worried, that she would come to know that man, in time. But I understand the phrase better now. The things I was reading, are certainly “not the man I know.” Granted there is time and space, but I feel like I know him just as well now as I did back when. And I found myself mentally dismissing women as crazy, and casting blame on them. But mostly just being frustrated that it was happening again.
I’m not one for public character attacks. For trial by internet forum. Yes, I’m a blogger, and I blog about my relationships, but I do my best not to attack or cast blame here, or try to solve problems by publically posting about them. I go and talk to people in person. I may post later about how problems were discussed or solved, but only after I’ve gone to the people involved and worked it out. Correct me, if I’m wrong, reader, but public smear campaigns tend to dirty everyone involved.
Okay, enough of that.
July 10th, 2014
So, it looks like energy levels are making Saturday my posting days now. I’ve got IDEAS, so look for a real post then. For now, I saw this on FB today:
What if I fall?
My darling, what if you fly?
July 5th, 2014
The courts are playing my ‘favorite’ game these days – one step forward, two steps back. Lots of striking down of gay marriage bans – yay. But then the SCOOTUS decided to step on women’s rights and men’s, too for that matter. Contraception affects men as well as women, though I’d argue it’s a bigger health issue for women, as one who doesn’t use it for birth control, but for better health myself.
They’ve also make it a religious freedom issue, too. I think it really ought to be freedom from religion, myself, instead of freedom of religion. Freedom to have our laws have nothing to do with religion, other than to allow people to privately practice whatever religion they want, without harming others. Yes, denying health coverage of other people based on your religion, is harmful.
Yesterday, on Independence Day, a coworker of mine was going off about how unpatriotic he feels, and how messed up he thinks this country is. I know we’ve got problems, we’ve all got problems, but I am glad to be an American. For a lot of reasons, but the biggest one being that we have a participatory government where people can work towards the changes they wish to see in the world.
Weeee! Political blogging. Okay, done now.
Had a great time the other night, playing around at the bar. Came home with pretty bruises and fun, spoon-shaped marks. This is what happens when crew gets bored. Also played with toothpicks earlier this week – fun times.
Looking forward cautiously and hopefully. Getting ideas of things I want to do, so I can start asking for them soon. And sorting out getting to do them, as time and space allows. Not a whole lot of either of those things, so patience and more patience, as always.
Watched fireworks in a videogame for the 4th, but therefore also avoided children running around with sparklers. Had enough sparkler “fun” when camping a few weeks back, as he chased me around the field while everyone else played at the bonfire. Fairly sure most of the crowd had no idea what was going on.
While camping, there was also an amusing conversation about “how would you, while continuously moving, facilitate a blow job while on your way to the car?” The group was creative, but not a lot of D/s or sadomasochists in the group, so when my answer of “on your knees…” didn’t go over well, I realized they wanted it to be comfortable for all involved parties. I did not, therefore, give my answer of, or offer to demonstrate, “grab her by the hair, bend her over, and just keep walking, what’s the problem?” It might not get you the Best blowjob ever, but it seemed fairly simple to me. They all wanted carts, or dollies, or gurneys – anything with wheels to make it a smooth ride.
Anyway, hope everyone is having a good holiday weekend. Happy Independence Day/Weekend!