July 26th, 2014
I had a great birthday dinner with friends on Thursday evening. So glad he suggested it, and I didn’t let my sleepy brain reject the idea. More than twenty of us descended on a local Outback and had a great time eating, chatting and sliding our chairs around. (Mostly he slid his and my chairs around.) Was good to hang out with people just for the fun of it.
Feeling a bit down this evening, so putting on Dirty Dancing, to be followed by Footloose if I don’t fall asleep, to cheer myself up, 80s style. Just can’t seem to wake up today.
Club didn’t happen for crew last night, too many people ill or out of commission. I”ve been given a raincheck on my birthday spankings, though. So, no harm done, and I got to chat with folks I wouldn’t have otherwise. Month and a half until COPE, so far we’re planning on an inch-worm race. Should be very entertaining.
July 20th, 2014
Brain running all over the place. It’s almost still Saturday, so I should post. Or something. Legs have pretty bruises, from practice, where our resident woodwoorker brought new toys for everyone to try. “Wicked sticks” of two different thicknesses, a variety of lengths, and solid wooden handles. We had a lot of fun testing them out. I was told I should teach a class on how to not scream. There’s a gag-rule in place at our weekly venue, but we rarely pull out the gags. Reminds me of a comment from last weekend, a friend was talking about being shushed without being given a reason. I take shushing as a challenge, myself. Still having trouble with my hands though. He kept having to order me to stop touching him. My instinct to touch, if not stop, incoming hands has grown stronger and needs to be stamped down again.
We played CAH tonight, and my brain was being too rational. Fortunately, it was a very loud and rambuncious group, so my logical comments did not make it through the noise. And because we played CAH, my mind was thinking about sex a lot, too. Which, on the drive home, turned into “conversations that must be had before sex with a new partner.” Don’t ask me why, it was after 1am. Things like: What is your definition of Sex, Total number of sexual partners, When were you last tested for STDs, What is your STD history, What are your thoughts on Birth Control/sexual barriers. Cuz, someday, I might actually have another partner again. (Yes, it’s after 2am now, brain needs sleep.)
Birthday this week, yay!
July 12th, 2014
Are you wearing that as punishment, because I didn’t ask you to?
No, as an apology.
I was not wearing a skirt when he picked me up at the airport after my trip abroad. So, a few days later, at an event, I wore an extremely short skirt. I did not feel like I was being punished, I certainly wasn’t punishing myself, I was atoning for wearing jeans.
There is a time and place for punishment (usually properly discussed and agreed upon before the fact), but I much prefer atonement. I like to be active in making up for a mistake or lapse in mindfulness. Another time, he had me clean the mud out of the soles of his boots. This felt right to me, though I wish I’d had better tools to do it.
Punishment has a very negative connotation, a reinforcement of the bad feelings the mistake has caused. For someone who is very good at beating myself up, punishment makes it that much worse. Atonement has a much more positive connotation for me. I am doing something to bring happiness, to drive away the negative feelings and replace them with positive ones. And, being service oriented doesn’t hurt either, because doing for him makes me feel good to begin with.
At times, I’ve heard people say “don’t apologize, it doesn’t make it better.” And I think that’s where atonement comes in, too. Saying you’re sorry can only go so far, doing something to make it better, to make life better, can go so much farther.
July 12th, 2014
Mind is spinning on a lot of different topics. Topics I’ve talked about before, at length. Things happening that have happened before. I skimmed back through my blog, for previous posts to jump off from. But my thoughts aren’t organized. I’m looking back at Rape Culture Rant, Boundary Responsibility, and an article about Labeling Women as Crazy. I’m not even sure that these are the right places to start, so this might go a bit sideways. I didn’t find any posts about what I was looking for, because I didn’t post about it when it was happening. More on that below.
I’m frustrated again. And this time it isn’t My Community. It so far away, and it’s mostly people I don’t know. And there is nothing I can do about it. I sent a message of support, but I have no clue if it actually came across that way. No reply, but that’s not unusual. Things go wrong, things go badly, people react, people apologize, things are talked about, and people think it’s over. Then, years later, when memories have faded, or even warped. When things have been forgotten on one hand, and twisted on another. When someone pulls a trigger in a completely other direction, everything explodes again. There are witch hunts and badwagons, and everyone chooses sides. And there’s nothing I can do from here.
I recall being told, a couple years ago “that’s not the man I know.” I was glad for her, but worried, that she would come to know that man, in time. But I understand the phrase better now. The things I was reading, are certainly “not the man I know.” Granted there is time and space, but I feel like I know him just as well now as I did back when. And I found myself mentally dismissing women as crazy, and casting blame on them. But mostly just being frustrated that it was happening again.
I’m not one for public character attacks. For trial by internet forum. Yes, I’m a blogger, and I blog about my relationships, but I do my best not to attack or cast blame here, or try to solve problems by publically posting about them. I go and talk to people in person. I may post later about how problems were discussed or solved, but only after I’ve gone to the people involved and worked it out. Correct me, if I’m wrong, reader, but public smear campaigns tend to dirty everyone involved.
Okay, enough of that.
July 10th, 2014
So, it looks like energy levels are making Saturday my posting days now. I’ve got IDEAS, so look for a real post then. For now, I saw this on FB today:
What if I fall?
My darling, what if you fly?
July 5th, 2014
The courts are playing my ‘favorite’ game these days – one step forward, two steps back. Lots of striking down of gay marriage bans – yay. But then the SCOOTUS decided to step on women’s rights and men’s, too for that matter. Contraception affects men as well as women, though I’d argue it’s a bigger health issue for women, as one who doesn’t use it for birth control, but for better health myself.
They’ve also make it a religious freedom issue, too. I think it really ought to be freedom from religion, myself, instead of freedom of religion. Freedom to have our laws have nothing to do with religion, other than to allow people to privately practice whatever religion they want, without harming others. Yes, denying health coverage of other people based on your religion, is harmful.
Yesterday, on Independence Day, a coworker of mine was going off about how unpatriotic he feels, and how messed up he thinks this country is. I know we’ve got problems, we’ve all got problems, but I am glad to be an American. For a lot of reasons, but the biggest one being that we have a participatory government where people can work towards the changes they wish to see in the world.
Weeee! Political blogging. Okay, done now.
Had a great time the other night, playing around at the bar. Came home with pretty bruises and fun, spoon-shaped marks. This is what happens when crew gets bored. Also played with toothpicks earlier this week – fun times.
Looking forward cautiously and hopefully. Getting ideas of things I want to do, so I can start asking for them soon. And sorting out getting to do them, as time and space allows. Not a whole lot of either of those things, so patience and more patience, as always.
Watched fireworks in a videogame for the 4th, but therefore also avoided children running around with sparklers. Had enough sparkler “fun” when camping a few weeks back, as he chased me around the field while everyone else played at the bonfire. Fairly sure most of the crowd had no idea what was going on.
While camping, there was also an amusing conversation about “how would you, while continuously moving, facilitate a blow job while on your way to the car?” The group was creative, but not a lot of D/s or sadomasochists in the group, so when my answer of “on your knees…” didn’t go over well, I realized they wanted it to be comfortable for all involved parties. I did not, therefore, give my answer of, or offer to demonstrate, “grab her by the hair, bend her over, and just keep walking, what’s the problem?” It might not get you the Best blowjob ever, but it seemed fairly simple to me. They all wanted carts, or dollies, or gurneys – anything with wheels to make it a smooth ride.
Anyway, hope everyone is having a good holiday weekend. Happy Independence Day/Weekend!
June 26th, 2014
It’s Thursday again. Last week this time, I was just back to my friends’ flat after a visit to Stonehenge. Which was awesome. My whole trip was pretty fantastic, and now I’m home again, recovering from airplane crud. So, before I lose myself back into video games, I thought I’d sit down and write you a post, dear readers. Not sure about what, nothing kinky happened in England. I met a fair number of gamers at the pub and they talked about LARP all evening, which was fun, even if I was fairly lost most of the time. But that’s alright, they were enthusiastic and excited about their plotting, so I was entertained.
Settling down into summer – which means shorter skirts without being cold. That’ll be nice while it lasts. We’re back to our regular routine, now. Two Fridays a month, with the odd party thrown in if we’re up for it. It’ll be nice to settle back in for a few months before the busy times come again this fall. But of course, life can’t be all tranquil and settled. The engineer is moving next month, so schedules will be rearranged again to support them getting time together. Could be tricky at first, but it’ll sort out soon enough.
It was an interesting visit to England, on a poly-front. My best friend is poly with a grade-school aged child. While the two parents do most of the parenting, everyone helps keep an eye on him, and most of their parents, and all of their friends, know about their relationships. While I know quite a few people here who are completely open about their lifestyle, it is not something I feel I could do. They had some convincing to do with some of the more conservative of their parents, but the ones who were most concerned just had to meet the kid, to see he was well-adjusted, well-behaved, and not being harmed in the least by the uncommon relationship model, to accept it fully. Was quite nice to hear about.
And in the news, more and more anti-gay marriage laws being struck down by the courts, amidst many summer Pride celebrations.
June 14th, 2014
He was the first one to put rope on my body. He was the first one to touch me with a violet wand. He was the first one to welcome us into his home. He made us part of his family, which made us part of this community. For that, I am ever grateful. He is sorely missed. Rest in peace, Big Daddy, I hope you grin with delight every time you look down upon us.
June 5th, 2014
Over four years ago, I wrote a post called Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby. Where I talked about how sexually shy I am. A lot of things have changed in the last four years. I have gotten a lot more confident about my body, and comfortable wearing little or nothing. There was a big paragraph about the change to not wearing underwear, and now I hardly even think about it. I’ve had annual STD tests since that post, and can openly talk about sex with my Doctor. I can wander around naked at an event with no problem. And yet, someone pointing out my arousal still makes me blush.
It’s totally fine that I like getting the shit beat out of me in public, and can talk with people about masochism and submission until my voice is gone. But ask me what turns me on, and while I’ll tell you, my cheeks will be burning. Toss me over your knee and spank me in public – awesome. Point out that I’m dripping wet from it, and I will try to melt into the floor. Appreciate my screams of pain, and I’ll giggle. Appreciate my moans and gasps, and the blush will blossom.
But it works for me. That’s the kind of humiliation play that turns me on. I was recently asked how I process humiliation scenes. I told her one of my biggest fetishes is the bad little school girl. Feeling naughty turns me on. Self-perpetuating cycle.
May 15th, 2014
Oh my gods, teeth. I mean, I know how much I missed them, but I didn’t really Know how much I Missed them. Sensual teeth, not just rip the flesh from your bones teeth, though I love those, too. But when three guys were nibbling on me all at once this past weekend. Dear gods, did I remember how much I missed teeth. Teeth on my neck, on my shoulders, on my wrist, inside my elbow….
And missed nails, and hands… Let’s just say it was a very good Friday night. Saturday wasn’t terrible either, though we were much busier with being responsible party hosts.
Once again, sorry for the massive amount of radio silence lately. I’d like to say it’s going to get better, but I’m not sure when. I’ve got one helluva schedule for the next three weeks, but I do hope to post more soon. I’ve put a lot of time and energy into this blog, and sometimes I just need a break. I’m told grad school does that to people.
So many things going on and possibilities floating around. Hopefully inspiration will be more plentiful, and posting will become more frequent once again.