Bedtime Thoughts

November 30th, 2016

It’s bedtime, so of course, my brain has woken up. It started with – I haven’t written in a couple days because of Busy. Then it went to, it’s the end of the month. Then, what haven’t I written about from my initial list. Hard Limits and Cuckqueaning came to mind.

Cuckqueaning had come into my head when I first wrote that list, as I thought about revising my hard limits list. Cuckqueaning – the female version of cuckolding – for a woman’s partner to have sex with another woman. In the kink sense, this is often done with the full knowledge, and sometimes in front of the cuckqueaned partner, where that partner derives sexual pleasure from their partner’s relations with another.  For me, this isn’t just “not my thing,” it feels emotionally harmful to me. Not other people doing it for their own pleasure, but if a partner of mine was to do it to me, as a sadomasochistic thing.

This isn’t about my partners playing with other people, or my partners having other partners. There have been teasing “threats” in the past of sitting me on one side of the room (in various states), while a partner did sexual things on the other side of the room with someone else. It was usually laughed off, and never followed through with. A comment earlier this year, teasingly suggesting I find someone other than myself to sexually please a partner triggered extremely negative feelings. Other things were going on, and it was part of the “no time to deal with this now” phase I had myself in, so I let it go and pushed it away to deal with later. I think this is all hitting on my degradation hard limit. To me, this falls into that category of not good for me. Along with the “not ____ enough” bullshit my mind throws up with no outside help.

So, my Hard Limits are pretty simple these days, with him: Nothing that would likely end up with me in hospital or jail or morgue. No physical, emotional, mental, or financial Harm. With other people, I think my post from November 17th, 2013 is still pretty valid. Every now and then, I just find new things that fall under the currently listed categories.

 

What else haven’t I touched on? Whipping Post. Skin Time. Private Time. Art. I think I’ve touched on all the rest of the list, in one way or another. So, let’s take these, one at a time, to finish up the month. (There might be another post later today, depending on how things go.)

Whipping Post. He’s been practicing a lot with his whip lately – I mentioned this earlier this month. Trying out some new swings – one that’s really heavy. It reminds me of whipping post scenes from movies, like in Mockingjay. Obviously, he’s not taking my skin off – that’s a no-no around here, plus I can barely stand for the strikes as they are. I want to stand up to the strikes, but we’re generally out in the middle of a big empty room, nothing to brace against. Not to mention it is cold and I’m usually not terribly warmed up for that sort of thing when we’re doing it. But there’s an inkling of curiosity, morbid though it may be.

Skin Time. One of the things I really enjoy with my unlabeled partner(I really need to pick an alias of some sort) is skin time. Time to just be naked with one another. Our skin touching, fingertips brushing lightly, hands warming bare flesh. The feeling of us together, pressed close, sharing warmth and sensation fully. It is a completely different type of connection than just snuggling up fully clothed (also a nice thing to share). And it is more precious to me than I realized before I was without it for so long.

Private Time. In our busy lives, it is often hard to find private time with him. We have poly family nights, and we have practice/class nights, and we have club nights. Given our schedules and the relative locations of our homes and venues, we hardly ever ride to things together any more. Lately, though, his wife has had things to do early on our family nights, so we’ve had time to catch up before she gets home. But it’s always with the knowledge that her arrival, if not imminent, is still fairly soon.

I know, should I need to have a conversation, or some such, I can let him know, and time will be made. But the yearning is different than that, and too undefined for me to form a request. I miss having time for just us, but I haven’t the slightest idea where we could create it these days. Or what we would do with it, given everything. Once again, I’m back to the sentiments from my Asking post – figure out what I’m looking for, and remember to ask.

Art. Writing is my art. It is my passion. It is my way of putting little bits of my soul into the world. It creates happiness within me, and brings me peace. I have very much enjoyed getting so many thoughts down on “paper” and out into the world this month. Of locking my inner critic up, for the most part, and just letting myself speak my truths. At this point I’m crossing 9,500 words, not anywhere near the NaNo goal of 50K, but it has been good for me, and I hope to continue it forward. I hope you, dear readers, have enjoyed this month as much as I have.

Now, maybe my brain will let me go to sleep. 😉

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Details, Details

November 26th, 2016

I didn’t write yesterday. Nor did I shop. Last year was my first Black Friday off in 14 years – I went to a convention. This year, I was back at work, but at the library, not in retail. There were a few deals I was interested in checking out. But, I kept to my promise to myself. No shopping yesterday. I like sales, and deals, and I get that my refraining does nothing to the day. But there are some things you do just for yourself. I stayed in, with a puppy, and Doctor Who, and WoW.

Today, I went and got a haircut from at a professional shop… first time since Boise. There it was ex-hubby’s relative’s shop. Since then, it’s been a friend here in town. But I’m too much of a procrastinator, and this one was time-sensitive. Trying something new, nothing huge, just moving the part to the side, trimmed the hair up to the chin-line and layered it a little bit. Not much room for layers in my thin hair. I also bought a song and an audio book from Amazon today. The song to benefit an Autism charity, and the book with my monthly credit.

I wrote a story once in college, with every tiny detail put down. The critiquers wondered if the person was OCD due to my exacting detail. I didn’t think it was that bad. I mention because of my random details above, and someone questioning an email I sent recently describing my weekend in detail. I just do that… sometimes? Most of the time? Details seem important to me. It’s how I try to write my scenes – with as much detail as I can remember. I lose time sense and order in scenes, but I do my best.

Now I’m really rambling. ::Laughs::

Details. It’s all in the details. As someone who overthinks – there are often too many details. I am detail-oriented. A good thing for a worker. But it can be bad when you’re analyzing people. Everyone makes mistakes. Misspeaks. Misspells. And none of us sees the world the same as anyone else. Just look at that silly dress that went around the net. Or ask any two people to describe a scene. We see things through, not just our eyes, but our experiences and our world-views.

I think that’s why I try to share as many details as I can. Why I am often oddly specific. I know others cannot see the world as I do, so I try to share what I see in as much detail as I can. (Random aside as TV, and therefore commercials are on: Zales has some horribly ugly, gaudy diamond rings.) I used to do this through pictures. I have albums and albums of pictures from my youth, to share with others. Now, more of than not, I use words instead.

I am trying to remind myself of that with all this writing. That, in order to share my world, my thoughts, I have to put them out there. I have to write, and post, and speak. I have to make it a habit again. I have a voice, and in this world, I cannot just sit back. I must use it.

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Thanks Giving 2016

November 24th, 2016

I am thankful for my families. My parents for being supportive in all the ways they can. My brother for being the best brother he can, and a good father to my nephew and nieces. My boyfriend and his wife, for making me a part of their family. My crew family, for coming together, working together, and taking care of each other. My other crew family, for very much the same things, and for fighting together, for a better future.

I am thankful for my friends. Living all over the globe, we still are connected. We still share each other’s joys and sorrows. And when we meet up, there is no space between us. I am thankful for all the love, support, advice, stories, and pictures that we share.

I am thankful for my community. We are like a family. There are still squabbles, and not everyone gets along. But we have built an awesome community anyway. We are strong, we are varied, and we are full of acceptance for one another, and opportunities to share with each other.

I am thankful for my boyfriend. Who has seen me through thick and thin. Who has stuck by me even in the darkest of places. Who has brought a light, and a mirror, to help me see. Who brings me love and joy, and shares the load of sorrows and pain. Who knows just how to make me scream or cry or laugh or fly. Who always makes me feel heard, appreciated, and cared for. And who trusts me to give all these things to him.

I am thankful for my label-less partner. Who brings his own brand of care. Who shares his heart and his mind with me. Who helps me feel attractive, desirable, and unashamed. Who introduces me to new authors, new movies, and new shows with such unbounded enthusiasm, even when they are heartbreakingly unfinished. Who, though not certain about poly, is still eager to share some of his time and life with me.

I am thankful for the life that I lead, the opportunities I have been given, the love, support, and joy that surround me. I am thankful to live in this place, at this time, with so much ahead of us all. I am thankful to you, my dear readers, for making me part of your lives.

Thank you.

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“You Are Loved and Desired”

November 24th, 2016

He does a very good job of making me feel loved. When he sent me the above message today, I nearly cried. But let’s be honest, I cry so very easily, especially in stressful times. He always makes me feel loved and appreciated. Desired, however, is a harder one. Do I know that he enjoys playing with me? Yes. Do I know he enjoys my company? Yes. Do I know he enjoys both my suffering and my service? Yes. Do I often feel desired by him? No?

Desired is a loaded word, for me, I guess.  English Oxford Living Dictionary defines it as: 1) A strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen, 2) strong sexual feeling or appetite. My overthinking, self-judgmental brain tends to focus on the latter of these definitions, and as he and I have a “non-romantic/sexual” relationship, desire is not a word I often use for his feelings for me. I desire him in this way, always have, always will, but I put it on hold and keep it at bay, to keep expectations managed and balanced. Over the years, it has wobbled up and down, depending on what’s going on, and his testing various waters. But it tends to return to this balance.

Today, he sent me that message. Tonight, after his initial plans were dashed by unexpected class set-up, he got me aside for a flogging.

Leather mop warm-ups. Good and steady, get me bobbing and swaying, into the zone. Eyes closed, just feeling it, and him. Fingertips make me shiver. Then off to get the big deer flogger, gods, I’ve missed that. But solid thumps. Heavy sounding thwacks. Pounding me into the wall. Knocking groans out of my chest. Then snaps. Sting. Not the whip, not the tips, heavier. Squeals of pain. I have a vague notion, but it’s not until he lays it over my arms in front of me that I’m sure it’s the dragon tail. A few more heavy hits, and then the deer flogger is over my arms, as well.

He bring up the rubber mops. Ready for this? It’s been a long time. Too long. Let’s find out. Surprisingly, I am. They feel good, heavy, solid. Slamming out more groans, eyes squeezed shut makes balance occasionally hard, but keeps me deep. Tipping Florentine brings out more squeals, then heavy, deep double blows, rock me into the wall. He counts me up to orgasm a few times. Thank you, Sir! Do you feel desired? He asks between them. Yes, Sir. And we go right back into it. I last a lot longer than I expect to, though we both know our old endurance challenge is probably a bad idea. It feels so good, slamming my back, pulling out screams with the tips, groaning with the big hits. I know he lifted me by the hair at one point, but I can’t even place where that was. Finger tips on hot flesh send me gasping. He spanks me to another counted orgasm as we finish up. Kisses and hugs and thank you. He grabs my back a few more times in the evening, even another counted orgasm before we’re through. A very nice Thanksgiving night.

That’s what desire means for us, between us. A different kind of energy – the smack of flogger on flesh, the screams and groans, the rocking and tapping and swinging. The pushing back and forth of our energy. The gleam in his eye as a crumple against the wall, squealing at the lash. The grin on his face when I pop back up and present my back again, and again. The one, two, three…. Thank you, Sir. The touch of fingertips on burning skin, and the rough grab and squeeze to get one more squeal.

I forget that sometimes, when I let my brain run on. It is still very programmed with societal norms. There are things I still want to find in my life, to add to my life. But I am extremely lucky and blessed by what I do have. A partner who loves, appreciates, and yes, desires me, in our own special way.

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Not So Kinky

November 23rd, 2016

The intention of all these posts was supposed to be getting the things out of my brain that had been floating around. That worked mostly okay… until the election… and then other politics happened. I feel bad about that, I wanted this to be less political, and more personal. Not so much. Well, that’s not true, I’ve done a lot of personal writing, too. Not enough, I feel, but there again, is my self-judgement. I do that a lot. Not enough, not good enough, not ____ enough. Fuck that. I do what I can. It’s not always what I think I “ought” to do, it’s not always what I think “should” do, but it is what I’m able to do.

I want to write more kinky stuff, but honestly, my life isn’t really focused on that right now. Sure, we still hold class every Wednesday, but I’m hardly ever in it. Sure, he practices his whip technique, and now a wrap-shot technique. He even paddled me for his birthday, which was lovely. But, even most of our “kink” time is spent being responsible, taking care of the venue, presenters, attendees, volunteers. And that’s fine, that’s where our focus has to be right now. We’ve got to keep things running, keep our community as safe and educated as we can. I don’t even know where we’d make time to do other things.

I get to see the boy once a month, for a night. And we have a good time, cooking, eating, Netflix, and having excellent sex. But I don’t write about that in detail. Those details private and personal. Sometimes I write about things we say, or conversations we have. But again, it’s not very often.

So, I write about what’s going on. Right now, that’s the disaster that is our President Elect, local and national leadership, politics and fighting. And that’s okay. Is it sexy? Is it steamy? No, but it is a part of my journey. It is what is on my mind, most of all.

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This Brain of Mine, it has a mind of its own

November 20th, 2016

That was not where I intended to take the previous post. But that is where it went. A lot of things have been going on, and I promised myself I would not censor this month. So, I let my fingers go where my exhausted brain directed. And I am pretty much exhausted, drained, and worn out.

But, for all of that, it has been a good weekend. I spent Friday night at the club, reaching out to teach the community about what it is that my crew offers, and helping provide a safe place for everyone to explore. I was present for a very moving Masters Capping ceremony. I got to spend time playing with him, and sharing love with my chosen family.

On Saturday, I got to spend a very nice night with my other chosen family. Sharing drinks, food, music, and laughter. As well as plenty of hugs, cuddles, kisses, nibbles, and yes, even the glitter of a metamour.  Today, there was open, honest, passionate conversation, for the coming together, and not just moving forward, but upward, towards building better things.

Work is going to suck tomorrow, but I spent the weekend doing what I love, with those that I love. Every minute, every smile, and every tear was worth it.

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We Aim to Misbehave

November 20th, 2016

I have Captain Mal’s speech in my head this evening. Only, it isn’t really about misbehaving – it’s about fighting for what is right. In this country, in these times, in our communities – we have a wide variety of people, of opinions, of opportunities – and we must all stand up for each other, for what is right for all of us. That’s not an easy thing to do. To be the first one to stand up, to be the first one to speak up, to be the light shining into the darkness. A lot of times, I see people afraid to speak up for themselves – asking other people to speak up for them. And I get it, it isn’t easy to say the unpopular thing, to call out a leader, to say what needs to be said. But when there is so much wrong in this country that someone like Trump can be elected President, we have to start working harder, fighting harder, to make the changes that are needed.

This happens on a local level, too. Not just on the national stage. And that is where we need to work the hardest. We need to work in our communities, in our neighborhoods, in our cities, in our states. The kinds of changes we need to make, they aren’t just national. They aren’t just in Congress. The folks at the top can say whatever they want, do whatever they want, but if we don’t create change everywhere, these problems are just going to continue.

Our leaders cannot do it alone. We chose them to lead us, but they have to have our help, our support, our voices, to know where to lead. They have to have us working just as hard to make the changes we want them to create. Our leaders are nothing without us, if we are not behind them 100%, they will have no one to lead. And if they are not leading us in the direction we want to go, they need to know that, too. If they knowingly lead us in the opposite direction, then we need to get new leaders.

Many respected figures have stated that they are not giving up, that now is not the time to walk away, that the best way to create change is to stay and do the work. Aside from the few who are walking away, the rest of us have a duty to do that work. It doesn’t end when the decision is made, when the voting is over. Unhappy with the results? Fine, do the work to create change you wish to see. Happy with the results? Fine, do the work to solve the problems that brought you here.

Complacency has brought us to where we are today. No more. It is time to take productive action. To have the hard conversations. To stand up and be heard. To not just shine a light into the darkness, but to bring the light in, and chase the darkness away.

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Missing Days

November 18th, 2016

I keep missing days. This week has been especially bad for it. Stress and life keep be busy and distracted. Two jobs, a busy social schedule, and making/eating way too much food due to the above. I made a pretty decent dinner last night – chicken, veggies, and potatoes. All good. But then I made half an apple crisp (bread pan, not brownie pan)… and ate it all. Halloween was three weeks ago, but I’ve been eating chocolate almost every day since. And not just at work, but buying chocolate when my Mom visited, too. Bags of dark chocolate bark – on almonds and one pretzels. Delicious, I’ve gotta slow down, get back to dessert once a week. Unfortunately, we’re heading into the holidays – Thanksgiving next week, and Advent and Christmas after. And work is planning a “dessert potluck” at the beginning of December – as if we don’t have enough cakes and cookies there already. I may need to get a different job just to get away from all the sweets, let alone for financial reasons.

So, I’m missing days of writing, because I let myself get distracted. I moving so quickly through life, going from one thing to the next, that when I sit down at night, I just want to shut off. I’m feeling more forgetful, too. Leaving things places. Not remembering reminders I’ve been asked to give him. I put stuff in my phone, but it’s a flip-phone, so I have to remember to dig into the note file to see what I’m supposed to remember. It’s almost as bad as the Remembrall from Harry Potter.

None of this is helping all the feelings of insecurity and uncertainty. I try to set schedules to create a feeling of stability – but my body overrides it more than not. A job with flexible hours is great, but trying to convince an exhausted body to go in when I “really don’t have to” is, at times, impossible. I do better going when someone Else is expecting me (my regular boss, him, the gaming guys). Same way I am with studying. Sure, I love learning new things, but unless someone else is expecting an assignment turned in, I don’t prioritize it.

I’ve spent most of my life focused on making other people happy. Living up to the expectations of my parents, my teachers, my bosses, even my boyfriends. He has been very good at helping me remember to put some focus on myself, on creating health and happiness for me. But even that has an outward focus half the time – “cannot serve from an empty cup.” It isn’t for me, it’s so I can serve him. We often talk about how someone with a serious problem won’t change just because you want them to change. They have to want to change themselves.

Change is hard. I’ve made a lot of changes in my life over the past few years. Got a new degree, changed job fields, changed jobs, changed apartments, started seeing a new guy. Soon there will be a divorce. And soon there will be another job change. For someone who spent 13 years in one job, this has been a very stressful year – two internships, three jobs, and looking for a fourth. Trying to create a new “normal” for myself.

I did an experiment at the beginning of fall, to try to change some of my habits – create new habits. I bribed myself to do these things each day, with money I didn’t really have, but could find and reallocate to something “fun” for myself. It worked somewhat well for two months. But once stress reared up again, the habits disappeared. It made me a bit more aware of the bad habits I was trying to replace, but it has not continued to be much of a change. A tiny baby step in the right direction. I need to make more.

Winter is coming, and I’ve got to stay motivated. I’ve got to stop missing days, not just of writing, but productivity. I accomplished a good bit while Mom was in town, but as soon as she left, progress slowed to a crawl. I am important, I am worth the effort, I am “fantastic and wonderful” by his words this morning. Words I really needed to hear today. Words I need to believe in and act on.

I am very lucky in this life, to have this life. Full of love and friends and family. A job, an apartment, enough food, a car. I have the opportunity to follow my dreams and desires. I cannot let that go to waste. I will stop missing days, and live this life to the fullest.

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Responsibility

November 16th, 2016

Leaders take on a huge responsibility. To lead people, to guide people and (usually) an organization/group. They are held responsible for the actions of those they lead. They are held responsible for whatever happens to them, as well. They have taken on the mantle of getting shit done. They don’t have to do it all themselves, but they are the ones responsible for it happening.

I don’t envy those in positions of leadership, of that kind of responsibility. Everything they do is watched, analyzed, criticized, or second-guessed. When things are going well, they are praised. When they are going poorly, they are blamed. When things are messy, they are mired in the muck.

There is a running joke about me “being in charge” in one of my groups. But I’m really not. It is not my responsibility to get the things done, I’m not the one everyone looks to if they don’t. I know my limitations. I don’t do messy well. I don’t have the patience for politics. I do like to organize, and the leader delegates some of that organizing to me, and I’m glad to do it. But I am not interested in the responsibility, and the glowing target on the back, of leadership. I don’t do the big things, I like to be the support staff in the background, getting the little things done.

And some days, I even find it hard to do those. I haven’t got big enough spoons for leadership, and I don’t want them. My little spoons are good enough for me.

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Breathing

November 14th, 2016

I really wanted to write something nonpolitical today. But that seems to be filling up all of our reality right now. The country is full of protests, and violence, and vandalism. People are wearing safety pins, people are arguing about safety pins. Facebook is full of political discussion and ranting and memes. The news is watching every move the President-Elect is making, every word he is saying, as he goes about picking his cabinet, and sorting out his plan. The world is watching, and reacting. Comedians are making jokes, and taking moments to be absolutely serious. Groups are organizing to resist hateful policies and practices.

Meanwhile, New Zealand had a major earthquake. Flint still doesn’t have clean water. The pipeline is still being built. The south and the west are on fire, literally. And there is bird flu in Germany.

So, I’ll try again tomorrow, to take a breath and get back to my usual postings.

Edit: In the meantime, I just finished watching Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, and wanted to post the groups he suggested donating to, to fight against hate and racism:

https://www.plannedparenthood.org/

https://www.reproductiverights.org/

https://www.nrdc.org/

http://www.refugeerights.org/donate/

http://www.naacpldf.org/

http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

http://www.maldef.org/

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