Rope, Beatings, and Service

February 10th, 2017

I had a really nice time at WW last weekend. I got to hang out with many members of my chosen family, and one even offered me a bed, so I didn’t have to drive home in the middle of the nights. It was fun to hang out and snuggle and go to classes together.  I even got to do some rope with him when we went to afternoon classes, including one very intense, randomly generated groundwork tie.

I had two scenes over the weekend, one each night. One a reprise of a last year’s scene with an old friend. This time with more pressure points than body drumming, but a good mix of both. He pulled much writhing and many squeals of pleasureful pain out of me with pushing his nails into points on my calves and thighs.

The other, with him, our usual, extremely enjoyable flogging, beating, whipping mixture. Pounding my back to the beat of the music. Spinning me round for whip kisses while he looks into my eyes. And a good few hard shots with a leather cock to lay some nice defined bruising on my thighs. I even asked for a light dragon tail tip cool down to settle me back to earth, since there wasn’t enough room for the full whip. Then we went to the rope room to sit and chill while I rested my head on his thigh and he occasionally stroked my hair. We saw many beautiful rope scenes while we relaxed together.

There was also service throughout the weekend. Fetching drinks and chocolate, monitoring his space when he flogged others, helping with tools and clean-up, watching his bags when needed. I also did a little bootblacking for the friend who scened with me. He had shiny boots, so I actually got to use polish on real leather boots that weren’t my own.

One of the classes I went to in the morning, before he arrived, was on Service, given by Mollena. It was a really fun, engaging, and educational class. She spoke not only about giving service gracefully, but receiving it gracefully, as well. She talked about how service is part of a power Exchange – heavy emphasis on the exchange. If you, as a service giver, are not getting anything from the one receiving service, then it is not an Exchange. There are many ways to create this exchange, and it’s important to figure out what you need, not just what you can give.

Sometimes what you are getting is the attention of the person you are serving. She gave a great in-class example. She asked someone in the back for a glass of water, and while they got it, she went on talking. When the woman handed her the water. She then looked right at her and asked for another, and then paid full attention to the woman the entire time she went and came back with the glass of water. Holding her with her eyes when the woman gave her the water and as she thanked her for it. The entire class felt the difference.

She also talked about being your True Self. How some of her early service relationships/trainers had her providing service that she was unfit for or uninterested in providing. She told some really horrible stories about the results of that service. She advocates for deciding for yourself what service you have to offer, and finding the person who wishes to receive that service. Being a slave, she told us, isn’t about becoming what someone else wants you to be, but about being yourself and connecting with those whose needs match what you can offer them.

Let’s not forget the Prime Directive either, which I have talked about here in other words: “It is the primary responsibility of the slave to protect the master’s property at all times, up to and including protecting the property from their master.” This is not only about speaking up for yourself, and making sure that you are being taken care of, but it is also about self care. That is one thing I struggle with every day.

It was an excellent class, and I still have more processing to do on it.

All in all, it was a very good weekend.

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Details, Details

November 26th, 2016

I didn’t write yesterday. Nor did I shop. Last year was my first Black Friday off in 14 years – I went to a convention. This year, I was back at work, but at the library, not in retail. There were a few deals I was interested in checking out. But, I kept to my promise to myself. No shopping yesterday. I like sales, and deals, and I get that my refraining does nothing to the day. But there are some things you do just for yourself. I stayed in, with a puppy, and Doctor Who, and WoW.

Today, I went and got a haircut from at a professional shop… first time since Boise. There it was ex-hubby’s relative’s shop. Since then, it’s been a friend here in town. But I’m too much of a procrastinator, and this one was time-sensitive. Trying something new, nothing huge, just moving the part to the side, trimmed the hair up to the chin-line and layered it a little bit. Not much room for layers in my thin hair. I also bought a song and an audio book from Amazon today. The song to benefit an Autism charity, and the book with my monthly credit.

I wrote a story once in college, with every tiny detail put down. The critiquers wondered if the person was OCD due to my exacting detail. I didn’t think it was that bad. I mention because of my random details above, and someone questioning an email I sent recently describing my weekend in detail. I just do that… sometimes? Most of the time? Details seem important to me. It’s how I try to write my scenes – with as much detail as I can remember. I lose time sense and order in scenes, but I do my best.

Now I’m really rambling. ::Laughs::

Details. It’s all in the details. As someone who overthinks – there are often too many details. I am detail-oriented. A good thing for a worker. But it can be bad when you’re analyzing people. Everyone makes mistakes. Misspeaks. Misspells. And none of us sees the world the same as anyone else. Just look at that silly dress that went around the net. Or ask any two people to describe a scene. We see things through, not just our eyes, but our experiences and our world-views.

I think that’s why I try to share as many details as I can. Why I am often oddly specific. I know others cannot see the world as I do, so I try to share what I see in as much detail as I can. (Random aside as TV, and therefore commercials are on: Zales has some horribly ugly, gaudy diamond rings.) I used to do this through pictures. I have albums and albums of pictures from my youth, to share with others. Now, more of than not, I use words instead.

I am trying to remind myself of that with all this writing. That, in order to share my world, my thoughts, I have to put them out there. I have to write, and post, and speak. I have to make it a habit again. I have a voice, and in this world, I cannot just sit back. I must use it.

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NaNoWriMo 2016 Intro

November 2nd, 2016

I’ve been ignoring my brain, or suppressing it, for the last month, while I’ve dealt with moving, and Trauma prep, and Trauma. A lot of thoughts have popped up that I wanted to write about, but I just did not make the time. I wrote a few of them down, but not many. Later, I told myself. You have to sleep now, you have Things to DO. I let go of taking care of myself, too. Stopped doing the things I was trying to turn into habits. Stopped keeping track. Stopped printing out my calendar so I had a clear view of my month. It’s November now, it’s National Novel Writing Month. But, instead of writing a novel, I am going to commit myself to writing 50K words of my thoughts. Give my brain the care and attention it deserves, and I’m starting now – one day late, of course.

The other night, I wrote a little bit in my bedside journal, I wrote down a list of topics that were floating in my head. In less than ten minutes, I wrote over thirty topics/keywords. Apparently, there’s a lot on my mind:

  • Insecurity
  • Gift of Fear
  • Single Secondary
  • Attraction
  • Communication is Scary
  • Consent
  • Whisper words of love – do you Really want me to scream your name?
  • I’m not Just a Masochist
  • Hard Limits
  • Female Cuckolding (Cuckquean, apparently)
  • Boundaries
  • The Future
  • Finding a Primary
  • Whipping Post
  • Floating
  • Skin time
  • Filling my cup
  • Being Social
  • Family
  • Prey/Capture/Rape
  • New Experiences
  • Asking
  • Asking for Help
  • Self-Image
  • Art
  • Clinginess
  • Uncertainty
  • Expectations
  • Needs/Wants/Desires
  • Private time
  • Fantasies
  • Realities
  • Sexual Freedom

I am recording this list here in case I try to tell myself that I don’t have anything more to write about, or if I think I’ve run out of ideas. There has been a lot on my mind, and I’ve got to pull it out so that it doesn’t fester, ferment, and explode. I’m sure this list isn’t even a complete one, but it is a place to start. I’m going to try and post my writings on all of these topics, give my blog some fresh flowing blood. I used to not worry so much about my own privacy when I posted, but I’ve gotten more and more self-conscious over the years, knowing that more and more people are able to read it, people I know. I’ll try to let go of that again, at least of this month, let the words and self-reflection flow freely. This is just the introduction, the explanation. There will be meat and blood soon.

I used to hand-write everything, especially longer pieces that I intended to put serious work into, but the whole point of NaNoWriMo is to write without judgement, without editing, just write. And in doing it by hand, I could do that, but if I want to share it, want to hold myself accountable via the blog, I would then have to type it up, taking twice the time, and I would definitely do some editing, cleaning, and changing in that typing. So, instead, I am crafting directly on the computer, fingers flying nearly as fast as my thoughts, with no time to change or censor my thoughts. I will be brave and I will write from the heart, and I will share it with you, my dear readers.

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Spring Ponderings

March 19th, 2016

Just about to be spring. New growth abounds. For me as well as the plants about. Starting to take to heart the need to care for myself first. I am so used to putting others first, for going when called, or showing up regardless of how I feel. But this week, I took my own needs into higher consideration. When I wasn’t feeling well, I stayed home, and took care of myself. I asked for the visits up north that I desired, and got them scheduled.

Been thinking about love languages lately. I thought I knew what mine were, but I think I might have been taking on ones that were not mine, because they were my partners’ preferred language. Or perhaps mine are changing based on my current life situation. I am finding myself craving touch as a love language more than I thought I wanted/needed. Perhaps because I’ve been living on my own for three years now. And am feeling the lack of touch created by living alone. It is hard, however, to know what to do with that in existing relationships which are used to previous levels. I  feel needy or clingy if I want more touch than I used to want. I am working out what to do with those feelings, and finding a balance.

I’ve also been working on taking control of my mind. Finding tools to be able to back myself down, or cut short, emotional reactions to situations. There’s nothing wrong with feeling emotions and expressing them, but certain situations require I control those reactions so that I can continue to communicate, or do what needs done.  I am working with new tools to, in effect, reboot my mind to better deal with situations in the moment, with a success rate of about 50% so far. A good start, for me.

Happy Spring!

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Good Thoughts

February 20th, 2014

I have a row of text files on the top of my laptop screen. One of them is called Remember. It is full of things I pulled out of a couple relationship articles a few months ago. I was reading it over today, and two of the sentences struck me more than the rest:

You’re not the lies you believe about yourself.

The way you treat yourself is the standard you set for others.

In one of my lists this week, I commented that I’m not very good at taking care of myself because I put others first more often. Now, there is nothing wrong with taking care of other people, but let’s look at that second sentence in this light. If I don’t take care of myself, why should other people? If I don’t believe in myself, why should anyone else? If I don’t care about what I eat, or if I exercise, how can I expect anyone else to? Fortunately, I surround myself with people who care enough, who love me, and who encourage me, by treating me better than I treat myself. But really, I’ve got to love and care for myself if I honestly expect to be able to fully accept and cherish their love and care.

Now, what about that first sentence? I am not the lies I believe about myself.

I’m a writer, a story-teller. I can make up fantastic stories, or horrible ones. And boy, do I.

I currently have two typed pages on my bedroom mirror, full of positive things about myself. They are the truths I remind myself of, to shout down the lies. Lies are very insidious. Wizard’s First Rule – people will believe anything either because they want it to be true, or they are afraid it is true (Terry Goodkind, Sword of Truth series). Lies generally fall into that second category. Things we are afraid are true. Things we were told by others, or worse, told ourselves.

I’m not good enough. I’m not sexy or attractive. I’m not important or I’m less important. I’m too emotional. I’m too quiet. I’m too loud. I’m a freak. I’m too sick. I’m too weak. And on and on the lies do swirl.

A good friend posted to Facebook this week something along the lines of: it’s amazing what you can do when you don’t know you can’t. And isn’t that the truth. If you go into situations without thinking about limitations, you can do amazing things. The first poem I posted on my new page, Other People’s Poetry, is exactly that.

Two more things floating around my head these days. Another friend posted on Fetlife a couple weeks ago, about something her master told her once, and many times since then. “Fear is not useful here.” Fear is what all these lies are about. Fear is what holds us back. And yes, sometimes fear is a useful thing (The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker), but most of the time “fear is not useful here.”

The other thing is “why not?” He’s been saying that lately. Don’t ask Why, ask Why not? It’ll get you a lot farther. Trying new things, letting life take you by the hand, instead of passing you by. Instead of asking why should I do that? Ask yourself, why not?

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