May 20th, 2013
The rope hugs her body; wrap after wrap, holding her tight. Biting into her skin, teasing her nipples as he draws it across her breasts. He yanks her up by the crotch rope for a hungry kiss.
May 2nd, 2013
There is something growling inside her tonight. She’s looking for a fight. Not an argument, not to win, she just wants to fight, to struggle, and to be beaten down, held down, forced to surrender.
He sees the gleam in her eyes, the set of her jaw. He can sense the tightness in her body, as she comes to the bedside. Usually, he would just point to the floor and she would kneel and relax, but he knows that isn’t going to work tonight.
He grabs her roughly by the hair, fingers tight against her skull and forces her down to the floor. He gauges her resistance by her hands on his, instead of in her lap, the tension in her neck, and then he pulls her back up and shoves her onto the bed. Usually, she would stay where he put her.
Tonight, she scrambles up onto the bed and turns to face him. He glances down at his toybag, considering his options. Rope. Metal. Canvas. Clamps. Gag. Hood. Tape. One step at a time, he scoops up the handcuffs.
He grabs her arm and snaps one cuff on before she can pull away. Now she does, but he is stronger, holding the captured limb, while he tries to grab the other. She squirms and holds it out as far away as she can, so he twists the one he has behind her back, forcing her onto her stomach, and pins it with a knee. Using both hands, he captures and twists the other to meet the first, locking it in.
Off the bed again, for the next item. She rolls back up to her knees, glaring at him. The familiar jingle of nipple clamps has her growling out loud as he returns to the bed. Hands, trapped, she face-plants, spreading her legs wide to keep him from rolling her over.
He straddles her ass, grabbing a shoulder in one hand and a breast in the other. She wriggles against him, cursing now, through her growls. But a nipple is freed and quickly clamped and she freezes, not wanting to squish it back into the bed. Breathing hard, teeth gritted, whimpering, waiting for it to sink in.
He gives her a choice, keep turning or get it shoved back down. He’s stronger than her, she knows it, turns over, the other clamp is put in place. More cursing and growling and whimpering, she bucks her hips to give him extra momentum in dismounting her this time.
She barely notices as he picks up rope next, but when a loop drops down over her ankle, she yanks it away. Too late, he yanks back, wrapping the rope under the bed, he has the leverage, and is already at the other corner. Her free leg is curled up, but a quick yank on the nipple clamps and she, screaming, relinquishes the ankle. Tied off and he’s back at the bag.
Returns with a gag and hood. She clenches her teeth, hates gags. Choking and panic and oh gods, the drool. He holds it in front of her mouth, she shakes her head. He cocks an eyebrow, she closes her eyes and shakes her head. Pressure points and her mouth cracks open, thumb in over her teeth, forcing her wider. The gag replaces fingers, tight grip keeps the tension while he buckles it on. She bites down hard, trying to stay calm, breathing already rushing in panic. His hand on her throat and she freezes. Breathe, eyes locked with hers. And the hood comes down over all.
He goes back to the bag, one last time. She hears the click of large buckles, suddenly her burning nipples return to the front of her mind. She sits bolt upright, leaning forward, trying to curl into a little ball. Oh o, o, o, o. She can’t form an N through the gag. He is behind her, the straitjacket in hand. Cursing and writhing, she rocks back hard against him, pushing, shaking.
He grabs her hands, unlocks one wrist, pinning the cuff with a leg to control the still-cuffed arm. He grabs the free arm, threading it into the jacket. She tries to throw it off, tries to bungle it up, tries to push him off the bed. But she moving too much and her nipples are screaming, and she is coughing on the gag. Once her arm is in, she has to stop, has to breathe.
He slips a hand up the back of the nylon hood and grabs her hair, yanking her up out of her defensive curl, drapes the jacket in front of her and then lets her go again. She does not move, does not want to press the clamps against the canvas. Carefully, he uncuffs the other arm, and starts to maneuver it into place. She fights weakly, whimpering and moaning with pain, trying just to keep her arm still, but slowly, he pushes it down into the sleeve.
He yanks the back closed and she is bucking and screaming again. There’s no stopping the pain now, so she is no longer careful. Shoving back against him. Shaking back and forth. Rocking side to side. He wraps his legs around her to pin her in place, yanking each buckle tight as she groans through the gag and hood. Her arms are out to either side, straight out and locked tight.
He grabs on, pressure points and bent, and wrapped, pinned with a leg. Then the other, forcing it around. Nice big hug. Buckles together and her struggling weakens. Pulled tight one big scream. Head shaking, teeth clenching, hood soaked in tears and drool. He wraps his arms around her and pulls her tight against his chest, pulling her to lie down on top of him. Her whimpers turn to sobs, struggles to shaking, and then all to stillness.
April 25th, 2013
And for something a little more fun, a little less serious, and a bit more kinky. Yay, bruises! I’ve got a collection of little bruises from our play last night. Right thigh bruises from his punching. Left arm bruises and a bit of missing skin from his pinching. And a few stray rope lines from the 8mm tight TK he put me in. No marks from the stun gun that I’ve found yet, that’s more about the fear, anyway. So glad he’s feeling better these days.
I had a hard time controlling my hands last night. He commented that I had forgotten my training, was being disrespectful, grabbing his hands when they came near me, squirming away from the stun gun, and such things. I’m out of practice, lost a bit of my calm, reptile brain reacts faster than the subbie brain. Fight or flight reactions need to be tamped back down.
That damn stun gun, though… and he wants a cattle prod, too. You put me near a Violet Wand and I’m all for it, top or bottom. TENs Unit, I love it. But fly-swatters made me whimper and stun guns make me lose it. It takes Serious Voice to make me still, and the whimpers have to be covered with hands or breath holding. And still, anywhere but an arm or a leg, and I’m more likely to beg than to submit. I’m not afraid of the pain, it’s the Idea of the thing. It’s the noise, and the knowledge that these are used for self-defense, to put someone down on the ground, to disrupt bodily function. That shit doesn’t belong near my heart, spine or brain. Freaks me out. Oh, and toes and fingers? Just hurt like hell, and usually spasm my hold arm or leg.
It’s a good toy for us though. I enjoy the hell out of fear, and he enjoys the hell out of my tears when I lose my shit. This post is a bit more swearing than normal, but trust me, it’s a lot Less swearing than I was doing last night when he had the thing out. It was an excellent evening.
January 31st, 2013
I wrote a bucket list for 2013, of things that I haven’t tried yet. But what about things that I’ve done before, to one degree or another, that are just fun. I don’t mean another list of what kinks I enjoy, but fun thoughts of what to do inside those kinks. Ideas for upcoming parties, scenes or what have you. If you try anything, let me know how it goes. With WW this weekend, I’ve been thinking on and off about clothes. So, I’ll start there.
Wearing nothing but rope. I’ve run around with rope on before. He even put rope under my clothes once. I’m not talking about a rope scene tied up and immobile, but to be dressed in only rope is fun and can be quite beautiful. Lots of different things one could do. Rope corsets, bracers, anklets, decorative boots, rope dresses of various designs, even full body wraps. And you get three “scenes” out if it – putting it on, wearing it around, and taking it off.
Liquid latex. I’ve only played with liquid latex a little bit, but it seems fun. I need to do more research on it. I know that complete body coverage is a bad thing, you have to leave space open so your skin can breathe. But it would be a fun way to dress up or decorate the body, putting it on can be half the fun. I also like the peeling of removal.
Speaking of removal. That’s something I really like no matter what I’m wearing. Having my clothing gently removed can be very sensual. Having it forcibly removed is very arousing. Having it ordered off speaks happily to my submissive side. Having it cut off is something I haven’t done yet, but sounds like a lot of fun in the same sense as the forcible removal. It isn’t always about wearing clothes, sometimes it’s about taking them off.
Mummification. Everyone knows I enjoy mummification, but how about with rope? I believe I tried it once, but I’m also pretty sure we didn’t go full-hog on it. I’m talking head to toe, wrap every inch of the body in rope. Now, naturally, as with any mummification, the top may want to play with various parts of the bottom, so you’ll have to strike a balance between fully covered and secure and the ability to move ropes out of the way to access the desires bits. This would take quite a lot of rope, but as they say, you can never have too much rope.
Rope races. I’ve talked about eeling often, and I’ve written about various scenes. But what if you have two rope bunnies? Why not tie them both in the same tie and have a race to see who gets out first? Or, if they’re aspiring rope tops themselves, have them each tie the other in turn, and see whose tie holds out the longest. If they’re not a competitive pair, you could do cooperative eeling instead. Tie them both up and set a time limit for them both to be completely untied by, rewards for how much under time they come. Predicaments are also fun to add to any of these ideas, or for extra challenge, pit the top against the eel, can the eel get out while the top keeps tying?
One rope scene. What can you do with just one rope? Try making a scene out of a single piece of rope. Use it to restrain, to gag, to whip, to tickle, to choke. Come up with as many different uses as you can think of and incorporate them all into a single scene.
Be the furniture. Sometimes dungeons just don’t have all the furniture your dom needs. You can offer service by standing in. Whether it’s being a drop table for his toys, an ottoman so he can put his feet up, or a cross to restrain his current victim. There are a lot of ways you can be of service by standing in as that missing piece of furniture.
Leather care and worship. I enjoy bootblacking and licking very much, but you don’t have to stop there. All leather needs taken care of, and it can be fun to do so while your dom is wearing it. Make a scene out of it. Get him in a comfortable position and go to town.
Body service. I love brushing his hair. But it doesn’t have to end there. Showering together can be quite enjoyable, just remember you’re supposed to be getting clean… but the end, at least. Massages are also a wonderful body service to provide, and happy endings are good for everyone. Take care of your dom’s body so he can take care of you.
Electricity for everyone. It is easy to zap your bottom with electricity, and sometimes easy to get them to zap themselves. But there are a few ways to take the ease out. For me, the flyswatter and the stun gun are the way. I am far less a fan of the sudden muscle spasms, and also the sound of them both makes me twitch. So, I’m not keen on hitting myself, or anyone else with them. Sometimes the violet wand is all you need, if your bottom doesn’t like hurting other people, and insisting he or she zaps another bottom(who may or may not be fond of it), or yourself. Some subs will have a harder time zapping their top, while the more bratty among them will do so gleefully. If this is the case, maybe a tit for tat game with it.
College experiment. Do you remember those videos of psych students being paid to zap other students? Why not give it a try? Without the money, of course. Set up a scene where folk can drop in and zap the obviously suffering bottom. See how many sadists you can attract. See if you can guilt any other bottoms to take your bottom’s place. Up to you how much is theater and how much is real. Another way to do this, if you’ve got a mobile unit, order your bottom to go around inviting folk to zap him or her. Maybe have a pad they have to sign after participating so you can see how many played.
Metal bits. Something fun to do is to find new metal objects that will work for electric play. Maybe there are some things in your toybag already that you haven’t even tried with electricity. Try everything out. Find new bits of metal to play with. See how conductive those needles are, that set of sounds, those hooks or cuffs or shackles and chains. Do be a bit more careful if your are restraining your bottom in hard bondage before zapping them, it’s easier to get hurt when the restraints have no give.
Target practice. Want to practice your aim? Grab a sharpie and draw targets on the bottom, then see if you can keep all your strikes within the target. Alternatively, give each target a point value, and keep score. This game can work for multiple tops or multiple bottoms. Depending who you have available. It can also be fun if the target is suspended, or able to turn, making it trickier to find the target you want. Blindfolds only encouraged on the targets. This has also been done with clothespins, set them up and knock them off, but once it’s off you don’t have a target anymore.
Pick three. Always one of my favorites. Have the bottoms pick the implements of their destruction. This can be a lot of fun, especially if you don’t use the tools the way they expect them to be used. As we always say in our classes, a single flogger can provide many different sensations. Make sure you give them a few surprises along the way.
Practice communicating. So, you’ve seen people count their birthday spankings – I’ve done it in multiple languages. But what about answering questions, too? How about both? Can the bottom keep track of a number, and answer questions at the same time? What happens when the number or answer is wrong or missing? Make sure the rules are stated at the beginning to increase the pressure. Communication is important – practice, practice, practice.
Childhood games. There are so many games you can pervert. TENs Unit Jenga. Strip can be added to just about anything with a score, and even some without. Naked Twister is ever popular. I’ve even played a perverted cross between Pictionary and Twenty Questions, using a sharpie and a willing back. Or Tic-Tac-Toe on skin. Just have fun!
Be a lazy dom. Let your submissive do the work. It’s Simon Says with a kinky twist. Sit back and have your sub do the tying, or the attaching of clips, or the zapping or whatever. Just relax and lead the scene verbally. See what all you can get him or her to do to him or herself while you watch.
Surprise me. Put the bottom into sensory deprivation. Blindfold, earplugs/headphones, what have you. Then take them somewhere to play. If you can have them stand in the middle of a room with no furniture, even better. Just stand there vulnerable while you plot their doom, I mean gather your toys. So many sensations you can provide, that will be heightened by the sens dep and anticipation.
September 17th, 2012
Face up? Or face down? Nice and floaty for old time’s sake?
Face down, I reply nodding. I’m his third suspension of the evening, the other two were quite energetic, and time is running short on this night’s play party. I strip down to my shiny boots, it’s been a long time since he’s suspended me naked. Catacombs? No, I had panties then. Had he ever? I’m trying to remember if one of the nights with toy had me up and naked. He pulls me out of my thoughts. Wraps around the ribs, and tied off to the ring. Down to the waist, double coin, and I’m gone. Down in my head, in my body. Sunk deep into the rope, as he wraps my thighs. I worry I won’t be able to answer him when he puts me up, not sure I have control of my vocal cords. The biners are in, the lift ropes threaded and he lifts. Levels me out and it is good. He ties off my ankles. I’m able to answer, even ask him to run his fingers through the thigh ropes. So much more comfortable than my earlier scene, as it is meant to be. He ties a blindfold around my head, and I’m gone again.
Sinking into the ropes, floating in midair. I don’t know what order things happen in from here on out. I’m floating and he’s pushing me gently. Spinning a bit, slowly I think. And he’s hitting me gently. Shoulders, thighs, ass. I can’t tell what it is. A handle? Is he using the handle of a flogger? (I later learn it was his flashlight.) Walking with my as I spin to keep hitting the same spots. Am I spinning? I am not sure. I focus on my hands, so I don’t get dizzy.
Then he’s pushing me. High up into the air. Higher than I think the rig can go. I’m grinning and giggling. He is too. I move my arms, behind my back, across my chest, hanging down. Swinging and then spinning. A little too much, I don’t want to stop, I hold up a hand and he stops spinning and keeps on pushing. It feels wonderful. So wonderful, I reach for him. I want him. He turns me to him, my hands on his shoulders, gasping, heads together. Oh god, I can’t even describe the energy flowing between us. Almost done, I tell him, holding him tightly. I push up, relieving the pressure, two face-downs might have been a bad idea. Okay, yes, I’m done.
He’s up and untying, feet first, then lets down my legs, to my feet, blindfold off and I’m smiling at him, leaning into the rope. Arms wrapped around him. Thank you, so much. I float down slowly as he unties, handing off the ropes to the engineer. When he finishes, another tight hug and kiss. Thank you. Time to take are of him, we go back to the room.
September 17th, 2012
First scene of the weekend. I’d asked my ex-Lover to suspend me. He’d talked so animatedly about a Shibaricon class on Transitional suspension, that I was super curious. We had never done suspension before, he and I, so we talked it out, what did I want, what was looking for. I wanted a challenge, I wanted to see what it was like, I understood it would be the comfortable suspension I was used to. I wanted to try this thing that had him so excited. Just the rope, just the suspension, ex-Lover, me and the rig, nothing else.
We arrived at the rig, and he began to set up, getting the ring in place, as I stripped down to just my skirt. It was still my long skirt, so I pulled it up over my breasts to keep me warm while I waited. When he was ready, he looked at me with a grin, and pulled a long white cloth out of his bag. I nodded assent, and he wrapped it around my head, blindfolded to start the scene. Trusting him more than I had in a long time.
He pulled my skirt back down to my waist, and began a Taka Takote chest harness. I focused in on the rope and on his movements and body. Sliding my wrists to a comfortable spot after he tied them together. Feeling the wraps as he laid them down. Listening, I could hear a familiar voice off to the side. He, my boyfriend, was there, chatting, the tone of his voice, if not his words carrying across the dungeon, for a little while, and then he was gone again. The lower rope of the tie worried me, I have a short ribcage and I spoke up. Ex-lover assured me that no weight would be on it, but raised it a little anyway. Then the skirt came off the rest of the way, and was put aside. He wrapped rope securely around my upper thighs, just a couple wraps on each leg, and that was all. Then it was time to begin.
He tied me off to the ring, chest harness first, pulling me up to my toes. Then one leg, up high, weight shifting, as I tried to stay balanced a little bit. Then the other. Assuredly, the most uncomfortable face-down suspension I had ever been in. See, no weight on the lower rope. He pulled me up higher and tied off my ankles as well. I kept breathing, my fingers tingling. I felt like I was spinning so much. I can’t, too dizzy, not going to give up. I opened my eyes and looked down. I could see the carpet in a triangle below the blindfold, I was barely moving. I wanted this suspension, but the blindfold was too much. He took it off and I could relax again. Changed my angle a bit again and then he was on the floor below me, smiling big and telling me I was beautiful.
A rope dangled between my legs and he tugged on it, thin little crotch rope. I gasped and squealed and then called him off, crotch rope is one thing, but most of the pressure was uncomfortably centered further back. Hanging there, enjoying the pain and the rope. Floating in a mixture of pain and pleasure.
He was up again, changing the ropes, trying for something else. My legs were lowered and he was adding ropes to the chest harness. It seemed some sideways action was coming up next. But then my left arm went cold from the elbow down, and my left hand stopped moving. Done, I called, I can’t move my fingers. And down I came. He untied quickly, bringing me back to my feet, and untying me from the ring. I need to sit, and he caught me as I tried to sit on the floor, calling for a chair. I wasn’t going to fall, I thought, but did not say, I just wanted to sit, but he waited for the chair and set me down gently, all smiles and floaty.
Breathe for a few moments as he untied. Turn sideways so he could get the back. Gently move the arms down, check the damage. A little numbness below the elbow, and the thumb-side half of the hand. Ah well, it’ll come back in time. (In fact, came back by the end of the night, so all is well.) Hugs, a kiss and thanks and gathered up my clothes, for a floaty-naked walk back to my room to get dressed for the night. A great way to start the con.
September 17th, 2012
What an amazing weekend! I didn’t get to do everything I wanted to do, but that’s the nature of life, and what I did get to do, more than made up for anything that we didn’t manage to squeeze in. The best plan falls apart upon encountering the enemy, and that was the case for several of my friends, but for me, this time, nearly all my plans survived, and some of them far better than I ever anticipated. A lot of people are saying it was the best COPE yet, for me, this is entirely true. I have never had so many scenes, I have never stayed at the hotel, let alone with my partner during the event, and I’ve also never been so well fed at an event. About the only thing that was “on par” for my other experiences, were the classes. They always bring in great presenters to teach really fun classes. I had an incredible weekend.
What happens at COPE stays at COPE, they say, no outing other people by talking about their scenes. But that’s not what I do here, as you all know, I talk about what I did, and my experiences. So let’s begin at the beginning.
Our con began with meeting up with friends, helping out, and getting registered. We found quite a lot of our usual crew and gathered up for a nice dinner at Buca di Beppo. We even got to sit in the Pope Room, because there were so many of us. We talked about crew and the con ahead and even about the upcoming Trauma. Enjoying time together as a family, and then we took food back to feed the rest of our family who couldn’t make it out. Being a group with the volunteering spirit, many were working the con, too.
Back to the hotel, I had a scene right up front, so I didn’t even change, but went and found my ex-Lover, and we took our place for my requested “challenging, transitional suspension.” That, will be a post later on. Afterwards, I went back to the room, got on my shiny kimono and boots, and went in search of him. He was bringing down a suspension, so I knelt nearby, helping clean up rope until he was done. The engineer was nearby scening, too. After that, we sat with friends for a time, until he retrieved us, stun gun in hand, to go back to the main room for our suspension scenes with him. Another post to come. He tormented us both with the stun gun while we waited for the high point, but the battery died out as he tried to keep tormenting me as he began to tie her. We played on the rig in the corner until they turned the lights on that night, and then headed back to our room to take care of each other, with massage and orgasms, and cuddling to sleep.
Morning dawned quietly, but I was awake early. I really wanted to attend class right from the start, so I was up, rinsed off and dressed in a sari while they were still gaining consciousness. They said they’d catch up, so I headed out, grabbed an apple(I was too late for bananas), and found a seat in Bondage for Punishment and Pain. They joined me sooner than expected, but before the class changed rooms in favor of a high point, and we knelt beside him, as much as we could manage, for the entire entertaining class. I found myself able to manage for 15 minutes or so at a time, not wanting to distract myself too badly from the presentation. 4mm rope, a high point, and a flexible bottom, made for quite the class. Stopping by the vendors on the way out, he found some great new toys to buy, a dragon tail and three leather “cocks.” The latter being woven leather cylinders of various widths, with rounded ends, that work great to bludgeon your partner with. We headed back to the room to test them out, and were quite happy with the results.
We then headed off to brunch at First Watch. The second class session not holding our interest more than finding food did. Waffles, bacon, pancakes, eggs and coffee later, we were satisfied and heading back to the afternoon classes. I did wear my bratty shirt, and very short skirt, but I took my sari as a wrap to stay warm, as well. Extreme Bondage was up next, with more kneeling from us, though the presenter invited folk to come close and watch, so he was up in front away from us most of the class. This time, I found the tops of my feet beginning to hurt much faster than I was losing circulation. The class itself was quite interesting and entertaining in its own right, with a handful of really restrictive ties. The next class period, the engineer headed off to a latex class while he and I wandered back to the vendor area, this time picking up a book, a new suspension ring, swivel and two hanging straps. The final class of the day, Predicament Bondage, was the same couple as our first class, we all sat in chairs this time, and had a blast watching (and helping with) the crazy stuff the presenter came up with. Electricity, water, rope and weights and everything else he could grab from his bag of toys. Such fun.
We headed off to dinner, then, Fish Market our destination. Got a seat quickly in the bar portion and, though it was noisy there, we had quite a nice meal together. We he asked us if we’d seen anything that day that we’d like to try, we grinned and said all of it. I took my leftovers back to the event, but couldn’t find anyone in need this time. We attended closing ceremonies, complete with lube-tossing, auctions, NCSF and gratitude. And then the final play party began.
We headed back to the room to get dressed, the engineer donning her blind contacts and me my straitjacket over lacy bodice with garters to red fishnets and shiny boots, he even wrapped my pleather skirt around my waist. I was to be her eyes, and her my hands. We headed back to the dungeon, all grins and giddiness. He showed us off down the hall, through the social area and all around the dungeon. Then we headed to the back rig for him to do his scenes and assist in others. I tried to keep her informed of the things going on around us, and once he sent us to fetch water and candy from the adjoining room. After his scene, she wrapped up the rope for him and I returned it to his bag. When these scenes were complete we headed back to the room for more private fun.
Back in the privacy of our own hotel room, the engineer and I stripped down, but she kept in the contacts. We rearranged some furniture, and sat down side by side, facing him, for an incredible needle scene. Post to come. How I didn’t freak out or pass out, I’m really not sure, let’s just say I’m stubborn, and they were incredible in supporting and encouraging me. We thanked him with massage and curled up for a well-deserved, good night’s sleep.
The engineer had to head off early the next morning for school, and we hung around to help tear down and load out the dungeons. After many good conversations and goodbyes, I headed home to check on the internet, crash for a couple hours and then went out to dinner with hubby and friends. Home again for the last two episodes of BSG, some Lactaid ice cream and then crashed out completely for at least twelve hours. Amazing weekend of awesomeness. Thank you to everyone who made it possible and who made it great.
September 14th, 2012
COPE is today, it starts in just 8 hours! I’ve packed my suitcase, my toybag and my purse. I’m ready to go. Okay, not entirely ready to go, I’m still naked, but my bags are ready to go. Super excited and happy! The corset may not work out, health and postal issues have delayed the work, so I’ve had to change some clothing plans. But it doesn’t really matter, it’s COPE! I could run around with just a short skirt and no one would care. Though, I think he has some straitjacket ideas in his head. At least that’s warm. I’ve mostly given up the idea of being warm. I have one long skirt in the bag, and my saris. But I’m not too fussed about what I end up wearing. Go with the flow and just enjoy.
The class schedule is up and all crazy. Four rope classes the first period! WTF, guys? Ah well, so many good classes, so little time. I think it’ll work out anyway, not to many periods where there’s two classes I’m dying to see. Looking at Extreme, Predicament, and Painful bondage classes. Maybe a latex, a foot care, a single tail class. We’ll see how things go.
So bouncy and happy, I’ve gotta hit sub-mind when I get to the hotel. I can still be bouncy and happy, and all, but we’ve set up some protocol fun, too. Gotta keep my head in the game. Such a great weekend ahead! Boots, and rope, and private things, and shiny things, and pain and pleasure, and learning. So Excited!
See you on the flip side.
June 7th, 2012
Abandonment was mentioned last night when talking about fear play. A very valid form of fear play, but it got me thinking about my own relationship with abandonment. I’m not afraid of scene-abandonment, as such. I mean, tie me up and leave me somewhere? I’ll happily fall asleep, or meditate, or just glow happily in bondage. Tie me up and tell me to escape? Sure! I’ll wiggle and squirm free, and then curl up happily with the rope.
It’s when pain enters the picture that the abandonment means something to me. A very long time ago, long before kink, I wrote a diary entry about fear. In it I listed the things I was afraid of: snakes, needles, sparks. But I got a little more introspective after that. I noted that being in pain and being unable to do anything about it scares me a helluva lot, too. My phobias are flight responses. This one is a bit more complicated. This one leads to a different kind of break down of my psyche.
I am a masochist. I like pain. I enjoy it. I can get off on it. But I also like control. I like someone to be in control. Of me, of the scene, of the pain. Random, uncontrolled or unintentional pain is not cool. If you know me well enough and long enough, you’ll see me break down over my RA pain on occasion.
To be put in a painful bondage and then left, abandoned, causes the adrenaline rush. I’m in pain, I can’t stop the pain. No one is there to stop the pain. What if it becomes too much? What if I can’t take it anymore? What if I pass out from the pain? What if I panic? Am I already panicking? And on and on.
Near the beginning of the life of this blog, I posted Abandoned and Rescued. In that scene, I knew my white knight was coming to save me. I knew he would come and stop the pain. So I was left in a bigger predicament, his arrival had the chance of causing More pain, excruciating pain. And unless I could call out loudly enough and warn him, I would have no way to stop it. Later, I was threatened with being left in a similar situation, without the trap, with no one coming to save me, except maybe the hotel’s housekeeping staff, who I’m pretty sure would have just run away. Terrified, I begged my way out of it.
So, for me, abandonment works as a form of fear play, but it has to be painful. Otherwise, it’s just a happy bondage scene, which can also be fun.
April 22nd, 2012
I asked to be tied up and tossed in a corner. I wanted to fight the rope. I wanted to sit and struggle and soak in it. So I asked him, and he said we’d see. The club can often make that impossible.
The night started with a new bit of metal from our blacksmith friend. A flat bit of metal with a double cuff piece folded over. Nice new hinges. He pins my wrists in and then hooks it up to a suspension point. I think I can slip my hand out, but I just hold on. I’m in socks, so up on my tiptoes. Then he pulls out his flyswatter. Oh god oh god oh god. I scamper and whimper as he grins.
Zap. Zap. Zap.
Squeak, spin squeal, spin.
Zap. Zap. Zap.
“The perfect dress for this.”
Fuck. Ow. Shit.
Spin, Spin, twist.
Zap. Zap. Zap.
Yip. Squeak. Spin.
“Just think, when you’re tied up in the corner… and I’ll have your socks off, too.”
Whimper. Zap. Zap. Zap. Zap. Squeal.
“I have to have my fun, too.”
Zap. Zap. Zap. Zap.
Squeal and spin.
He takes me down, shows off the toys and then its time for class.
A young woman has traded him flogging for service. He gives her to us. Twenty minutes of massage a piece for his women. I sit in front of her, shoulders please. Her hands are soft, my knots are hard. But she does a very nice job, rubbing and working some of them out. I count the songs. Four and I let her know she’s met the time. Thank you, very nice. Toy is next.
He grabs the bag of 6mm hemp and sits down, smiling at me. It’s time. I step over in front of him and put my glasses in the roses. He looks up at me, considering, and I smile back nervously eager. Wondering what kind of tie he has in mind. Turns me around and starts on my wrists. Box tie.
Strange people in front of me, I drop my eyes to the ground, my focus back to him. Rope, delicious rope going around my arms and chest, through the armpit to lock it down. Second rope, lower arms, lock it down, pull in tight. A third rope, around the waist, tightening further, no movement at all in the arms. My elbows wobble and I can move my fingers, but that’s it.
“Look what I brought.”
Red clips. Oh god. Seven little red clips in a bundle.
“I have to make it fun for me, too.”
I whimper and scamper back a bit, a look and I come back. He reaches up to a nipple. Whimpering and squeaking as he puts it on. Left. Right. Left. Right. Squealing and swearing and breathing hard. Left. Right. Three on each, a line across each. I gather my control as they sink in. He waves the last one at me.
“Where do you think this one goes?”
I whimper as he lifts my dress and pinches in on the front. Shit. Fuck. Oh that pinches. Breathe. Breathe. Ow!
“Which one hurts most?”
“How’s your head?”
I kneel down, drop my head and focus. I cannot fail so quickly. I can do this. Breathe slowly. Deeply. He moves away. Breathe. Focus. Okay, better now. I can’t fight the rope. I can barely move, but I can fight the pain.
A blindfold comes down. Tied around my head. He pulls me to my feet. Forward between tables and chairs, to a cubby. A couch. Down, lays me down, gets me a pillow and adjusts my dress. He sits opposite for a moment, someone else, too. Toy, I think. Then he wanders off. I can feel him in my feet, out past my feet.
I can hear everyone. Talking and walking, playing and screaming. I shift my legs, I feel my socks on my feet and I shiver, remembering. My feet, oh god, the flyswatter. I twitch for a moment, and then settle in. I can hear him talking in a group nearby.
Settle in, feel the rope, relax. Uncomfortable arms. Shift. Pillow moves a bit. Settle. Shoulder. Shift. Better for a while. I can feel him moving. Hear his keys. Hear his boots. Arms still annoyed. Okay, sit up. Feet against the other couch, a person there.
Much better. Sink back into the rope. I can feel him in front of me.
Zap! Zap zap zap.
Squeal and squirm. Twist and yip.
Fuck. Shit. Twisting against the lower clip. Ow!
Zap. Zap. Zap.
Squeal. Turn. Scramble.
Zap. Zap. Zap.
Fuck. Ow. Squeal. Twitch.
He zaps toy and I can hear her try to be quiet.
I twitch in fear. A few more shots on both sides. I think the engineer is nearby, too. Squealing and squirming. Legs up on my couch. He wanders away, but I keep twitching. I can feel him in my forehead, moving. Breathing hard, trying to relax. I can’t, yet. He’s right out there.
Settle in. Find comfortable again. Breathe. Keep track of the people. Listen to the electric booth. Listen for him. Move with the music.
He’s back. Zap. Zap. Zap.
Scream and squeal and squirm.
Zap. Zap. Zap.
Scramble. Squirm. Swear.
Zap. Zap. Zap.
Fingers. Fuck. Ow. Ow. Ow. Wrist.
It’s okay, fine now.
Zap. Zap. Zap.
Twitch when he switches to toy. Back and forth.
“Oh, I know what I want.”
He grabs and foot and I whimper and fuss.
I freeze, focus on breathing. Hold still.
Zap. Squeal. Zap zap zap. Scream.
Zap. Zap. Zap. Squirming but trying to hold my foot still.
Zaps the heel. Not so bad, the whole foot, not too bad. Toes!
Ow! Squeal and squirm. He lets it go and wanders off again.
I curl up, twitching. Trying to calm again. He comes back, sits across. Forehead towards him, twitching.
“Not really abandonment if I keep coming back is it?”
“No, just makes me paranoid.”
“Because the last two times you had the flyswatter.”
He wanders off and I sink back in. My left pinky is going numb, I shift and rock and enjoy the music. Cross legged and sinking in relieves the pressure. Rocking to the music, settling in to the rope. I feel him come back again and twitch my head slightly. Afraid.
“Look at her head. Are you almost done?”
Wanders off. I can track him with my forehead. The music keeps me moving. Sinking. Back again, Smack.
Smack. Smack. Smack.
Smack. Smacking to the beat.
Groan into a scream and he stops.
“How you doing?”
“Good. Pinky was numb, better now.”
Something with the toy and she comments how hard it is not to talk.
Gone again. Sinking in, music, beat, rocking in circles. My nipples catch fire. They are suddenly awake and hurting like he just put the clips on. Stabbing pain. I rock harder and snap my teeth. Wanting to bite down on something for the pain. Shaking my head, swearing, rocking, snapping. Breathe. Don’t get light headed again. It’s just pain. Breathe, rock, snap, moan.
“The clips hurt so much, but I know they are going to hurt more when you take them off.”
“Do you want to orgasm?”
“Not without permission.”
“I could take them off and put them on toy.”
Oh god, I don’t want them off.
“Toy, don’t you want to help Miss?”
“Yes, oh god.”
“Toy, toy, toy, no, it’ll hurt so much, Toy, that’s not helping, toy.”
But he has her distracted and she’s agreeing. Back to me, and I’m lying back against the couch.
“1, 2, 3!”
Off comes the lower one and off I go, screaming orgasm, kick someone at the end of the bed, not sure who. Thank you, Sir.
“1, 2, 3!”
The first nipple clamp on comes off. Screaming, kicking orgasm. Thank you, Sir.
“1, 2, 3!”
And again, trying not to kick this time. Thank you, Sir.
“1, 2, 3.”
He waits for me to orgasm before he pulls the clip and I scream and arch.
“1, 2, 3.”
Again. Orgasm, pain, scream. Thank you, Sir.
Oh god oh god oh god. The last two are going to hurt so badly.
“1, 2, 3.”
Orgasm, and no pain. Thank you, Sir.
He grabs both, and I whimper and press back against the couch.
“1, 2, 3.”
Orgasming, fear, pulls, Pain. Screaming, screaming, swearing, crying. Riding the wave higher and rocking and sobbing. Gasping breath. Thank you, Sir. Breathing. Calming, settling back. Whimpering from the other couch. Toy.
Breathing, relaxing, He moves away and I sit back up. Rocking, weaving to the music. Sinking deep into the rope. Leaning forward to release pressure on arms. Rocking in circles, enjoying the music. Sinking, spacing. Gone.
“How are you doing?”
“Arms hurt a bit, lower arms, wrists.”
“Are you done?”
“So we should take you out while you’re still spacing?”
Up and out. And the ropes come off, inch by inch. The pull of the rope on my skin sending me higher. Shivering, thrilling at the feel of it. Pressure releasing. Breathing and flying. Slowly lower my arms, raise them up to stretch. His hand on the small of my back, gently pushing me forward, to the opposite couch. Sits me down, dumps the rope in my lap.
Rope. Hemp. Oh gods hemp. I pull it up to my face, breathing it in. Lift my legs to brace my arms, bury my face in the hemp. Breathing, smelling, Shifting my head whenever my breath overwhelms the scent. I think toy has left the couch, sitting opposite now. I want to lie down.
I slide a hand over, no one there, just my sock. I lie down, curl my legs up on the couch. Rope still in my face. So far gone. I can still hear, but I no longer care. Rope. Glorious rope. So lucky, so blessed, so loved. Mind just floats. A blanket over me, fleece. I wasn’t cold, but it contains me. Keeps me inside myself. Rope and comfort and wonderful.
“Is she still asleep?”
“Not asleep, didn’t sleep.”
He pulls the blindfold off.
“It’s bright out there.”
“You still have all the rope.”
“You have to put it away, you know.”
“Is that what you needed?”
“Yes, sir. Thank you, Sir. Thank you, so much.”
I grab his hand. Kiss it. So grateful.
The lights come on. Time to clean up. I sit up on the couch and take care of the rope. Coming the rest of the way down slowly as everyone else takes care of the gear.
I thank those around me, for taking care of me, of everything. So lucky to have such friends, such family. The world comes back and we load out and head to breakfast. Such an wonderful night.