February 24th, 2011
Kneeling has been on my mind a lot lately. Putting her on her knees on Monday. Kneeling daily to meditate and reflect for him. Talking about teaching her to do the same for us, and honor the practice.
Kneeling has always meant submission to me. When we agreed I would be his submissive, I told him one of the things I liked was to kneel. It began about a year ago, he taught me the position he preferred and asked me to work my way up to thirty minutes every day. To use the time to reflect on our relationship, and connect with him on days we are not together. I used it often last year to offer my submission to him.
Over the course events last year, I had disruptions in my kneeling practice. At times, I was so busy and spending my free time with other partners, and so would miss a day here and there. Last fall, when I was writing 500 words every day, I would not always kneel as well, it was a bad time for many reasons. But, I always come back to it, I make plans to find the time, create the time, or make it a priority again. For a while, I was kneeling at the club or at practice, but that was taking time away from us. So, I stopped doing that and returned it to the privacy of my apartment. I think part of me during that time also wanted the acknowledgment and attention of doing it publicly, and that was not the reason for it, either.
Why is it important to me? Why do I do it?
The most simplistic answer is that I am submissive to him. I have had a submissive attitude towards him since the first time he asked me if I had knee pads. I believe it would take something truly horrific, and then probably also complete separation for me to stop feeling submissive to him. So, I do it because he told me to, because he expects me to. Because, it is a sign of my submission to him. Due to various things, our play is limited right now. Kneeling for him and meditating on our relationship gives me a way to feed my submissive self.
I do it every day because I like to kneel, it is a comfort to me. And by doing it every day, I get my body used to it, I am able to kneel for longer, and some day I may even find a way that reliably does not cause numbness. Or at least less. I have already found that standing up, though initially difficult, does relieve the numbness fastest. Unless a particular joint is swollen on a day, the position does not cause much pain anymore. There is discomfort from the numbness, but the ache of maintaining the position is minimal, and only grows if I fidget or try to adjust. Staying still, I have found, is the best way to maintain for longer.
So, I kneel for him, I kneel for us and I kneel for myself.
July 8th, 2010
Last night was an wonderful scene. It started out as teaching a new person about how we flog. He dragged me up from kneeling by the hair and asked if this piece of meat would do. She agreed and I was tossed up on the cross, shirt pulled up and targets drawn on my back. She had very light flogs and he had a set of heavy rubber ones. It was a good warm up, heavy hits between teaching and light swings. Hands as well as flogs. I enjoy helping teach new people, even if I don’t have the skill myself, I’ve learned to give feedback as a bottom. She went out to smoke and he took back the scene.
He used his hands, the heavy flogs, the really big deerskin flog(mmm… oh how I’ve missed that one), some slappers and paddles and a cane, the dragon tail, the stun gun and the electric fly swatter and a leather strap – on my back, my ass, my legs, my breasts, my feet, my arms, my crotch. It was a heavy scene, but not a full throttle flogging. He let me react to the hits – scream, jerk, fall, twitch – however I wanted to. He waited for me to return to position. I love that, I love holding myself on the cross, and getting back up to offer my body to him again and again.
He often came around in front of me, behind the cross to look at my face, to smile at me, and ask if I was crying yet. I was almost always smiling. He commented on it, he was not hurting me enough, I was still smiling. Where were the tears? It was such a joyous scene for me.
I was happy. I was not looking for a cathartic release, it had been a good week. I wanted to play with him, I wanted to submit to him, to give him my body for our pleasure. I did not need to be moved to tears, beaten to a pulp so I could relax. I always enjoy our scenes, find joy in our scenes. But last night it made me smile from start to finish. The kind of smiles that once drove a photographer crazy.
Even when I cried, triggered by a painful strike and continued by fear of the stun gun, it did not last very long. I was too happy and the energy was not the kind for tears. At the end, when I Sir-ed him, and said I wanted to please him by pleasuring his cock, and forgot the Sir. I was, even then, grinning and happy and full of joy and love for him.
March 18th, 2010
He asked how I wanted to be conditioned when I was already kneeling at his feet. I told him that kneeling was special to me. I thought I had given him clues to that before, but I had never told him outright that I liked it. That I wanted it, craved it.
He taught me the position he wanted me to practice then. Knees spread comfortably wide, to allow access and increase the feeling of vulnerability. Sitting on my heels, feet flat on the ground. Sit up straight and tall, shoulders back and chin only slightly lowered. Hands, palm up on my thighs, with fingertips at knee caps and thumbs pointing outward.
He asked me to practice that position, starting with five minutes, adding one minute at a time, until I could maintain it for thirty minutes. I set myself a goal, to be at thirty by March 26th, the last weekend of the month. I will be at twenty-five minutes when I kneel today and I still have not found a solution to the onset of high levels of pain around the fifteen minute mark. The numbness and tingling after is far less of an issue than simply maintaining the position through the pain.
The last few times, I have ended up repeating a mantra of “My pain for his pleasure” to get me through to the end of the time I have set for myself. It becomes an exercise in breathing, concentration and control. At home, I am kneeling barefoot on carpet, I have not even begun to try to train up kneeling in shoes or boots, though that is how I kneel for him at the club. Wearing boots puts a different angle on my feet and knees, but in both cases, it is my ankles that have the most trouble with this position.
So why do I do it? It is a connection to him, time out of my day when I do something for him, whether he is near me or not. It gives me time to reflect on our relationship, on our scenes and on our recent discussions. I have time to think about questions he has asked me, and the answers I have not yet found or given. It is a time when the rest of life is set aside and I just focus on him and us. I usually do Tai Chi and Yoga before kneeling, to bring my mind down and let go of the world so by the time I get to kneeling, I am ready to simply sit and reflect. I do not always find answers there, but I always at least find new thoughts and new questions. It leads me further along my path, helps me find more clarity. I keep myself fairly busy all the time, but when I am kneeling, I am forced to stop and be quiet and still. It brings peace into my life, and strengthens my connection to him.