2017 Has Begun

January 31st, 2017

I haven’t posted this month. I have reasons(excuses), but really, I just haven’t had the energy. I’ve had lots of ideas flitting through my head: in one hear, bouncing around for a few moments, and then slipping right out again before I got pen to paper. I should write things down faster, I guess. 😉

Most of my energy this month has gone to interviews, my chosen family, and politics. My gods, the politics. I don’t even want to get into all of that insanity. Not right now. Not here. I just wanted to let my readers know that I’m still here, and I’m still going to be writing.

Winter Wickedness is this weekend, and it’s the least prepared for a big event I’ve ever been. Ah well, it’ll be a casual one, I guess. I am planning on having one new outfit, possibly for the pirate theme, more likely not. We shall see how shopping goes.

With any luck, I’ll have plenty of fodder for posts next week. 🙂

 

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Not So Kinky

November 23rd, 2016

The intention of all these posts was supposed to be getting the things out of my brain that had been floating around. That worked mostly okay… until the election… and then other politics happened. I feel bad about that, I wanted this to be less political, and more personal. Not so much. Well, that’s not true, I’ve done a lot of personal writing, too. Not enough, I feel, but there again, is my self-judgement. I do that a lot. Not enough, not good enough, not ____ enough. Fuck that. I do what I can. It’s not always what I think I “ought” to do, it’s not always what I think “should” do, but it is what I’m able to do.

I want to write more kinky stuff, but honestly, my life isn’t really focused on that right now. Sure, we still hold class every Wednesday, but I’m hardly ever in it. Sure, he practices his whip technique, and now a wrap-shot technique. He even paddled me for his birthday, which was lovely. But, even most of our “kink” time is spent being responsible, taking care of the venue, presenters, attendees, volunteers. And that’s fine, that’s where our focus has to be right now. We’ve got to keep things running, keep our community as safe and educated as we can. I don’t even know where we’d make time to do other things.

I get to see the boy once a month, for a night. And we have a good time, cooking, eating, Netflix, and having excellent sex. But I don’t write about that in detail. Those details private and personal. Sometimes I write about things we say, or conversations we have. But again, it’s not very often.

So, I write about what’s going on. Right now, that’s the disaster that is our President Elect, local and national leadership, politics and fighting. And that’s okay. Is it sexy? Is it steamy? No, but it is a part of my journey. It is what is on my mind, most of all.

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Breathing

November 14th, 2016

I really wanted to write something nonpolitical today. But that seems to be filling up all of our reality right now. The country is full of protests, and violence, and vandalism. People are wearing safety pins, people are arguing about safety pins. Facebook is full of political discussion and ranting and memes. The news is watching every move the President-Elect is making, every word he is saying, as he goes about picking his cabinet, and sorting out his plan. The world is watching, and reacting. Comedians are making jokes, and taking moments to be absolutely serious. Groups are organizing to resist hateful policies and practices.

Meanwhile, New Zealand had a major earthquake. Flint still doesn’t have clean water. The pipeline is still being built. The south and the west are on fire, literally. And there is bird flu in Germany.

So, I’ll try again tomorrow, to take a breath and get back to my usual postings.

Edit: In the meantime, I just finished watching Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, and wanted to post the groups he suggested donating to, to fight against hate and racism:

https://www.plannedparenthood.org/

https://www.reproductiverights.org/

https://www.nrdc.org/

http://www.refugeerights.org/donate/

http://www.naacpldf.org/

http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

http://www.maldef.org/

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Introspection

November 19th, 2015

I don’t understand politics. I don’t understand people. I’m not good at being politically correct all the time. And yet these statements are not entirely true. I’m a negotiator, an arbitrator. I can see the crashes coming, and the moving of the pieces. But I also fall flat on my face, make sarcastic comments at the wrong time, tip over into upset easily, and stuff my foot down my throat regularly. I screw up, and make up, and rile up, and calm down. The veil is lifted, but I still reach out for it.

I am human… and sometimes I hate it. Some days I just want to crawl into a hole and hibernate through the cold. Life is pain – I’m a masochist, I know that. And hiding never helps, running only makes them chase. Stand up, and just keep walking. And keep your friends and family by your side.

 

Hope and fear. Love and hate. Been watching the Hunger Games movies lately. Been watching the news, too. These aren’t entirely connected, but they aren’t entirely separate, either. We are one world, one human race. We have to find a way forward before we burn everything to the ground around us. Fear and hate is not the way.

 

Confidence and insecurity. I’m a fairly confident person. Far more confident than I used to be. But I still cling tightly to my insecurities. I use my past to make excuses, afraid of an uncertain future. I hide behind my wounds, or is that hide my wounds. I hide behind my writing, and yet some things I am afraid to write.

“I am not a leader” and yet I lead, but “I am not The leader.” I organize, but I am not the voice. “I am not a teacher” and yet I teach, and call it tutoring. “I am not a presenter” and yet I stand before them, my body the blackboard, and I speak my truths.

“I am not <______> enough” and yet I am, and always have been.

 

I stand on the edge of the next precipice, fearing and daring to take the plunge. It is time to spread my wings and fly.

 

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