“Fortune” Cookie Wisdom

June 5th, 2016

My fortune cookie yesterday said: “You are open and honest in your philosophy of love” as I sat across from my mom and never told her that he is not just my friend, but my boyfriend of six and a half years, and only vague things about the new boy once in great awhile to assuage her fears that I am lonely. But that’s just a family thing.

In general, the “fortune” is true. All my friends know I’m in a relationship with a married man, those who am I around regularly know about the new guy, and his girlfriend, as well. They and all the other folk I have affection for, of course, all know about each other, and my not-yet-ex-hubby. I am grateful to be able to live the life I have openly and honestly with those that love and care about me.

My new coworkers haven’t asked yet, about my love-life, and I haven’t really decided how open I’m going to be with them. I’m just getting to know them as coworkers – have found a few fellow geeks/gamers, and they all seem pretty relaxed and cool. But it’s always a difficult thing in the workplace, to know how open you can be about non-normative behavior. Especially since I’m starting at the bottom and needing to work my way up, to at least a full-time position, as quickly as possible, for insurance and financial reasons. I’m just so happy and excited to finally be doing what I want to do and what I’ve worked so hard towards.

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Clear Communication

September 2nd, 2010

Everyone says communication is they key. I have talked about it being one of the most important things in poly. He and I have discussed how important it is to maintaining and protecting our relationship. In scene and out of scene, communication is the avenue to safety for all involved. Communication is what keeps people together. So, when communication fails, things fall apart.

I fell apart recently, and I took communication down with me. Clarity followed pretty close behind with self-worth tagging along for the ride. At so many points during this fall, communication could have kept me from hitting bottom, but I was so wrapped up that I did not catch the offered hands, or reach out for the sides of the hole. When I hit bottom, I started trying to climb back out on my own, trying to find my way back up, but I just ran circles in the dark for a while, reinforcing doubt and confusion to the point where I just gave up and sat down.

He tossed me a torch, like he has so often done, and I picked it up and looked around, but still could not find my way. So he tossed down a few more, the hole was now well lit and getting very hot, but I could finally see more clearly. I looked up and saw him waiting for me about half way down, I had pulled him down with me and we have quite a climb to get back to the top. So, I picked up a torch and started climbing. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time, to get back to him and get back out of this hole together.

That is a lot of words without saying anything very clearly, but it’s an illustration of how I have felt these last two weeks. I’m a writer, I get a little flowery at times. I am not ready to put details here, and while they are important to him and myself, they are not the point of this post.

Clear communication is. It took me quite a while to get clear with myself so I could be clear with him. The first weekend I appeared to be clear with myself, but I was still reacting blindly and from a place of broken confusion. I sounded rational and clear to some people, and while some of the things I was saying were true and in need of addressing, by the time I got to him, I was still not in a place to be truly clear. This caused the damage of miscommunication to multiply.

It took another week, two more conversations and two very long writing sessions and some reading, for me to finally be fully open and clear with myself, to find the truth in my actions and my heart. So that now I can start clearly communicating with him again.

Over the last six months, I have worked on communicating with him more verbally and less through written word. I often would write him emails about scenes or to answer questions I felt I had not fully answered. We chat online almost every weekday. However, talking, face to face, makes for much better communication, much clearer reading of meaning, intention and tone.

He is a public speaker, a leader. He is used to thinking and speaking on his feet. He often asks me to think out loud and expresses frustration when I fall silent. I am not a social person, I write and am afraid of public speaking. I form my thoughts and words more slowly. But I have been trying, for him, to be more communicative. I have been trying to learn let myself ramble even if the thoughts aren’t fully formed. It is unnatural for me, and I am not good at it, yet. I still fall silent quite often, I stare at the floor or the ceiling or the wall, or just off to the right, trying to compose in my mind, gather my thoughts before speaking. He occasionally asks if he needs to get me paper and let me write so I can talk to him, trying to tease me into speaking, and it sometimes works, and sometimes hurts because I am truly trying to speak.

In trying to be more verbal, however, I have left myself lacking. He found it odd when I was talking to myself the other day and generally I don’t do that out loud, unless I’m scolding a joint for hurting, but that’s what my writing is. I get more clarity for myself by writing. I am more honest with myself with a pen in my hand, or a keyboard at my fingertips, than if I just sit with my thoughts. I have been making less time for writing lately, and I have suffered for it. So, in my plan to create better and more clear communication with him, I have included writing, so that I will be more clear with myself as well. More writing about my other relationships probably wouldn’t hurt either. All the better to have good communication and healthy relationships.

So, my dear readers, what methods of communication do you find work best for you?

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Kneel and Reflect

March 18th, 2010

He asked how I wanted to be conditioned when I was already kneeling at his feet. I told him that kneeling was special to me. I thought I had given him clues to that before, but I had never told him outright that I liked it. That I wanted it, craved it.

He taught me the position he wanted me to practice then. Knees spread comfortably wide, to allow access and increase the feeling of vulnerability. Sitting on my heels, feet flat on the ground. Sit up straight and tall, shoulders back and chin only slightly lowered. Hands, palm up on my thighs, with fingertips at knee caps and thumbs pointing outward.

He asked me to practice that position, starting with five minutes, adding one minute at a time, until I could maintain it for thirty minutes. I set myself a goal, to be at thirty by March 26th, the last weekend of the month. I will be at twenty-five minutes when I kneel today and I still have not found a solution to the onset of high levels of pain around the fifteen minute mark. The numbness and tingling after is far less of an issue than simply maintaining the position through the pain.

The last few times, I have ended up repeating a mantra of “My pain for his pleasure” to get me through to the end of the time I have set for myself. It becomes an exercise in breathing, concentration and control. At home, I am kneeling barefoot on carpet, I have not even begun to try to train up kneeling in shoes or boots, though that is how I kneel for him at the club. Wearing boots puts a different angle on my feet and knees, but in both cases, it is my ankles that have the most trouble with this position.

So why do I do it? It is a connection to him, time out of my day when I do something for him, whether he is near me or not. It gives me time to reflect on our relationship, on our scenes and on our recent discussions. I have time to think about questions he has asked me, and the answers I have not yet found or given. It is a time when the rest of life is set aside and I just focus on him and us. I usually do Tai Chi and Yoga before kneeling, to bring my mind down and let go of the world so by the time I get to kneeling, I am ready to simply sit and reflect. I do not always find answers there, but I always at least find new thoughts and new questions. It leads me further along my path, helps me find more clarity. I keep myself fairly busy all the time, but when I am kneeling, I am forced to stop and be quiet and still. It brings peace into my life, and strengthens my connection to him.

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Coming Out

October 28th, 2009

As the daughter and sister of ministers, you can imagine that being kinky and poly doesn’t come up at family dinners very often. When I was just kinky, I’d excuse it, because, really, Who talks to their family about their sex life? My bedroom is none of their business. But poly? Not sharing with my family the people that I love?  It keeps things safe, keeps things stable, but is it really truthful?  Am I being the true me by hiding from my family? I fear they will stop talking to me, I fear my brother will keep me away from his kids. I fear they won’t love me anymore, which I think is terribly unfair of me, even if I’m right about them not talking to me anymore. Heck, they’d probably pray for me more than they do now.

A lot of my friends know, though not all. I have a feeling a few more of them know now, after unguarded comments at a recent wedding, but people often dismiss things they don’t understand, so the comments may have not registered anyway. No one asked for clarification at least.  I hide at work, too, though I have been seen kissing my boyfriend, and once called him that. But people are afraid to question what they don’t understand and not everyone knows what my husband looks like, or that I’m married.

My friends also tend to know I’m kinky, but there, too, only those that ask about such things. I feel more comfortable sharing that part of me, honestly, with them. It’s become more “normal” lately. I can show them pictures of my suspensions, and they don’t generally run away scared or get offended. I think the joy on my face helps, too. But I tend to keep stuff like that out of the public eye, off Facebook, Livejournal and in an anonymous blog here so even my kinky friends cannot find me.

I wonder what it would be like to be truly me. To be open and honest with the world. I’m considering letting more people know about the blog, it wouldn’t remain anonymous in anything but name if I did. The descriptions of events are far too specific for anyone to mistake it if they know me. I must admit, part of me wants a bigger readership, too. That writerly need for attention and validation.

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Saying NO

September 25th, 2009

Just in case you missed it the first time, because apparently someone did… with very few exceptions, if you think you “Can’t say No to him” then you Should Not be playing with him and you need to take a careful look at yourself.  For that matter, he shouldn’t be playing with you either, because he can’t trust you to be safe and honest.

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