Brain Swirly

July 12th, 2012

Brain’s a bit swirly today. After vacation and some really rough conversations, I’m all over the place. But the Elust digest is a little too far away to not post something this week.

Hubby outed us to his Mom. First with rope, then the whole thing. Kept dropping hints about his DJng events until she finally had to ask what events. She did not end up bringing it up the rest of the week, so maybe reading 50 Shades of Grey did her some good. Who knows. We did not tell them about Poly, though we were open with everyone else about our lifestyle. I only felt judged once, and I’ll own that feeling as my own story creation, no way to know what was really going on in his head.

I commented last night that my German teacher in high school ingrained in my head the difference between “can’t wait” and “can hardly wait” and to this day, I can’t help but correct myself if I use the wrong one. But there are two more meanings to take into consideration. Often people say “cant’ when they mean “won’t” or when they mean “don’t want to.” All four of these phrases have different meanings, and different resolutions. If you can’t wait, then you have to go now. If you won’t wait, then you will exercise your will and go. If you don’t want to wait, you might still do it anyway, and if you can hardly wait, you usually will. It also brings to mind the phrase “If you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right.” If you keep saying you can’t do something, then you never will. Even if the truth is that you can hardly do it, or you don’t want to do it, or simply that you won’t do it. If you don’t believe in yourself, then you’ll never try. And what fun is that?

The other topic running around in my head is passivity. I am a mediator, a problem-solver. If someone comes to be with a complaint or a problem that they don’t want solved, they better be up front and clear with me that they aren’t asking for help. And they better be prepared for me to be annoyed that they don’t want to solve the problem. I’m not saying people can’t come to me with reactions, and feelings. I am sympathetic, I will listen, I will provide empathy and comfort. But I don’t like wallowing, and I won’t always agree with you. If you want my sympathy, I will give it, but I have to know that is what you’re after. If you come to me repeatedly for sympathy over the same problem, I will get annoyed at you, and ask you to stop dumping on me. I will insist you solve the problem. And no, I don’t consider wallowing in self-pity or anger because it’s your problem, not their problem, to be a solution. You have every right to be angry or sad or whatever, but I also have the right to encourage you to stop it, and find a way back to happy. I have a very positive world-view. I think happiness is a choice, and I really don’t understand people who think it isn’t. Yes, I sometimes wallow and get lost in the darkness, that’s why I surround myself with people who are good candles and mirrors. Because I need led out occasionally, too. I don’t like seeing my friends upset, and I will do everything in my power to help you, but I will find it hard to understand if you don’t want that help.

On a more positive note, I still need to get final confirmation and details worked out for featuring COPE in Modern Dungeon Quarterly. Issue Three will be out in just three weeks. I’m getting really excited for COPE. There are some vague, some solid and some ever-mutating plans in the works. And I still have no idea what I’m going to wear! It’s Steampunk themed, and I certainly don’t have anything to fit that. Though, with no club for the foreseeable future, my fun clothes won’t all feel so over-worn by September. On another clothes topic, how in the world am I going to go to Cedar Point in a skirt? Things to ponder.

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Three Years

May 17th, 2012

I started this blog three years ago this week. I’d been in the local community about one year at that point. So, four years in the kinky community. It has definitely been the “bumpy, wild and sometimes very dark” ride that I promised in that first post. I has also been wonderful, amazing and very fun. There has been love and joy. There has been anger and pain. There have been incredible highs and dizzying spirals. My life has been filled with new people, new experiences, new love, new family, and new growth, I have battled old demons, old habits, old programming, and old beliefs. I have learned new skills, new ways of being, new ways of communicating, and discovered new strengths inside myself. I have made plenty of mistakes, uncovered weaknesses, become lost and broken. But through it all, I have found support, I have learned, I have grown, and I continue to strive for better. I have found joy in helping, in serving, in teaching and in guiding others.

I have discovered things that did not work for me, but they do not make me a failure. I have learned from these experiences, just as much as any others, perhaps more. And I am still learning from them, and teaching from them. That is one of the reasons I created this blog, so others who might read it would not feel alone, would know that others are having similar experiences. I have often found it hard to write about these things when they are happening, but I think I got around to most of them eventually. Often when the problem was solved, or at least finally understood, was I able to reflect publicly on it.

I started this blog anonymously. I think it was a year before I started sharing it with people, with my significant others and with my friends in the community. About the same time that I created PervertedImp.com and started double posting at both WordPress and the .com. I still haven’t decided if I’m ever going to stop the WordPress one and just have it forward to the .com. I don’t have much of a following there, but I do have a few. (WordPressers, comment if you’d like me to keep that blog up, or just come join the rest of us at .com.) I still keep a separate Fetlife account, though the lines are getting a bit fuzzy with Modern Dungeon Quarterly posts. And it is the pen name I use for my erotica. The internet created feelings of protective anonymity in my generation, and I find it useful to keep.

Well, that paragraph went around in a lot of odd circles. Let’s move forward.

I’ve put together collections of my erotica from this blog, both stories and scene descriptions. Organized by subject matter, into short PDFs with a few things that were never posted here. Some were posted on Fetlife and some were published in Pill Hill Press’s erotica anthologies. I want to offer them to you, my readers, for free. You can find them on the new Erotica Collections page, where you can also make a donation if you like, or click over to HP Magcloud to purchase a printed copy. Each week I’ll post another one, until they are all up. I’ll also be putting together an anthology of all of them together which will be available next month.

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Can’t Brain

May 11th, 2012

I can’t brain this week. I mean, I can think, but I can’t come up with something to write about. Sure, you say, that’s what I always think. And look at all the things I’ve written. But yesterday and today, nothing is coming to mind that I haven’t already written about, will write about next week, or that everyone else has already written about.

Posted about MDQ last week, and my writing and all that. Worked on a new homepage for the site today. I’m getting tons of traffic, but not a lot of sales. Hoping to change that. Or at least get a few more sales. Moved the blog posts over to a What’s New? page and did more of a splash page on the front end. Big plans for next week with my writing, but well, that’s for next week.

There was a mess up in Michigan this week. The news decided that a murder suspect’s alternative lifestyle choices might have to do with the murder, so they took a hidden camera into a kinky party that this guy had previously attended and filmed people playing. Hurray for the NCSF, they got them to at least blur the video a lot more for the broadcast so people wouldn’t be as easily identified. The teaser trailer the played all day, however could have already done damage. And the lovely newsfolk outed the venue, so it will probably never get used again. Let alone imagine the guff the folk who own/run the place are going to get. The news pointed out that other nights of the week, senior citizens play Bingo there. Way to be classy folks. The report itself wasn’t too terrible, but the reporter seemed a bit incredulous the whole time. And linking a murder, committed in an SUV in an alley, to a group of innocent kinky folk just trying to have a good time at a private party is just ridiculous. Thanks, sweeps week, you always bring out the worst of TV. There’s a whole huge thread on Fetlife about this if you want to read more.

Been listening to Tim Minchin in the car again lately. So, I’ll leave you with a video this week. Next week will be loads more fun, I promise.

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Writing, Publishing & Family

May 3rd, 2012

Some days I find it harder to write my normal, family friendly blog than others. I don’t have anything to say or I don’t have anything I can say that my parents can read. Lately, this is more of a problem as I want to post about all the work I’m doing, and the projects I have going. I want my family to be proud of me, but I know they would not understand.

Issue 2 of Modern Dungeon Quarterly came out on Tuesday. Ready to be bought at HP MagCloud. I posted the first two articles yesterday as well: Metal Bondage Safety and Spanking Benches. This has taken up a lot of my time, writing articles, interviewing and working with the photographer, editing and then working with toy on layout and my best friend on cover design. I’m really proud of what we’re creating. I want it to grow and become amazing. But even then, I cannot share it with my family. Not if I want to see my nieces and nephew.

I’m also working on another project. I’ve gathered up all the stories and scenes I’ve posted here, and printed them out and proofed them. I want to create little ebooks of my stories. I’m hoping you, my readers are interested in them, too. But when my parents ask what I’m writing lately, all I can tell them is that I blog. I was published in four flash fiction collections, but they only know about one.

My mom bought me some skirts last year, but she has no idea why I started wearing them. Or how often I wear them. They don’t know what I do every weekend. They know I have friends that care for me, but hardly any of their names. They don’t even know about all the love that is in my life, nor the troubles. This is hard, too. I have no support from them because they don’t know it is wanted or needed. I’ve never really talked to them about my love life, but sometimes it’d be nice to not have to censor myself.

This post feels a lot more whiny and complaining than I wanted it to be. A friend posted about her father tripping up her world view and it got my head diving down a bad direction, I guess. Let’s see if I can make a U-Turn.

 

I’m really excited about the various projects I’m working on.

Modern Dungeon Quarterly’s second issue is out. I have articles about all kinds of fun things; from spanking benches to paddles, from metal bondage to music. Hubby, toy and the engineer all wrote articles for me this time, so that was pretty cool. The photographer took lots of great pictures of the dungeon and I had a great time interviewing the owner.

I’m putting together my stories from this blog, organizing them by topic, so I can make little ebooks. How many stories do you think should be in each? At least one, non-blogged story per book? Is anybody even interested in such a thing? I think it’d be fun to have. Maybe even do on big anthology with everything, available in print as well as ebook? Thoughts? Suggestions? Pre-Orders? 😉

I’m wondering about getting a table at COPE, to sell the, by then, three issues of MDQ I’ll have, and maybe print out some of the ebooks and the anthology as well. I’ll hopefully be profiling the AIS dungeon and AIS Kink Labs at the event anyway. So much to think about. 🙂 I haven’t even found my third dungeon yet.

I wish I was going to ShibariCon. That would be an awesome event to attend, maybe even have people I could interview and a dungeon I could do pictures of. Alas, this year’s expensive convention is WorldCon(awesome in its own right). Maybe next year. 🙂

There, that’s much better. 🙂

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Release & Creativity

March 29th, 2012

He flogged me to tears last night. The kind of tears that don’t stop when the floggers do. He pushed me hard and fast. Against the wall, into the wall, and through to release. My arms hurt from holding my palms to the brick, my back stung from his strikes. I fought the urge to fall – he would stop. I fought the urge to give in – I wasn’t there yet. I took strength from the wall against my palms, my chest, my forehead. Cool and solid. I screamed, I groaned, I swore and then I cried. He pulled me off the wall and squeezed me tight. Not quite done, he tossed me into toy’s lap to finish. So much better afterward. I giggled as a silly song came on, and sat back up. A chunk of pent up stress removed from my body by his floggers. So grateful.

I’m going to a house party this weekend. It feels like it’s been ages since I last did that. This will be different though. Going alone, not going to play with anyone. Though I might wear my straightjacket for a while. I thought I might figure out someone to play with, or at least someone to tie me up and let me go. But I think that if I still want that, the straightjacket will suffice. Last night really did help quite a bit.

The reason I’m actually going to the party instead of the club is MDQ. It’s the dungeon for the next issue of Modern Dungeon Quarterly. I’ll be interviewing the owner, and taking lots of pictures beforehand. Then getting to see first hand how much folks enjoy the dungeon. Might even take a few quotes from the guests. I can see it now, voice recorder in the crook of one restrained elbow, business cards in the other. You might have to tune in over at MDQ next week to find out how that goes.

Publishing the magazine has really got me motivated to write and publish more. I’m thinking of making up little ebooks of erotica. Using the stories I’ve posted here (what’s Your favorite?), as well as creating new ones for each ebook. Themed and all. After all, an erotic blogger from the UK has fast become the most wanted author here in the Midwest and got picked up by Random House. If only I were that good at social networking. 😉 Anyone have tips?

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Writer’s Block

March 2nd, 2012

I’ve struggled with blogs posts lately. Both here and my “family friendly” blog. My kink life has been centered around Modern Dungeon Quarterly lately, and I’m already posting about that over there. I’ve posted here a few times, but I don’t want to just keep repeating myself. That’s what twitter’s for, eh? And I certainly can’t tell my family about That project, even though I’m really excited about it, and enjoying the process. Other than that, normal club nights, with a new suspension point, and practice nights as usual. Having the suspension point back at the club has been nice. I have some lovely rope trails across my chest still from last weekend’s flight. Relationship wise, well last week’s babbling is still about where I’m at, so. A chance for progress on Monday, we’ll see how it goes.

So, what do I write about this week. I’m already a day behind. Watched Search for Spock yesterday instead of blogging. I poked around Fearless Press, looking for inspiration, but nothing spoke to me. I wanted to have something for eLust this month, but I don’t think I’ve got anything coherent enough to put in the digest. I’ve switched from Netflix to WoW, but that’s not for this audience either.

It was suggested that I write a story, toss out an erotica piece if I didn’t have anything else to say. It’s a good idea, I enjoy writing them, but my mind just won’t focus on that kind of writing today. I’m journaling in my head, which is not nearly as helpful as journaling on paper, but it’s also not the kind of thing I want to do here. Not today.

I’m writing around in circles. Sorry about that.

Maybe I’ll get in the mood for a good story this weekend and you’ll get a bonus post that’s a lot more fun than this one. Maybe once I finish the book I’m reading, I’ll start reading more bdsm and poly books and do book reviews. I really owe Complete Shibari a better review than the one I wrote all that time ago. And I really ought to read more books. Always ought to read more books. So, dear readers, help me out, comment with books you think I should read. Because I haven’t ready much at all in the lifestyle category.

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Modern Dungeon Quarterly Now Available

February 8th, 2012

Finally defeated the governmental red tape and got my vendor’s license today.

Modern Dungeon Quarterly Issue 1

Modern Dungeon Quarterly: Modern Dungeon Quarterly Issue 1

Find out more on MagCloud

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Best Laid Plans

February 2nd, 2012

And these weren’t even well laid plans, more like hastily cobbled excitement.

I’m still waiting on my vendor’s license from the state of Ohio, and still fighting with PDF files for that matter(thank you toy), so my projected release date of February 1st has come and gone with no print magazine. I have started posting the articles online. Safety First: First Aid Kits is up for public reading and the St Andrew’s Cross article is up for members only viewing. It is free to sign up, just a name and an email address required. I’m not using this information for email marketing, so no worries there. Though I do wish it would notify members of new posts. (Is there a plugin for that?) Five of the articles will be open and public, three of them will be members only, this time around. I’m testing to see if people are willing to sign up for extra content. Hopefully the government will get in gear soon, and I’ll have the print edition available, too.

I’m trying to sort out my next featured dungeon. The one I hoped for isn’t available in time, the same with most of the others I know about nearby. There is one in Michigan I’m thinking about, but if anyone knows of a public dungeon (permanent or temporary) that I could feature in the Spring issue (photos and interview done by early April), please drop me a line.

So, it has become more of a soft release, because I’m not going all out on advertising until I have the full product available. In theory, the next issue will go smoother, with three months to do it in instead of one. I am really enjoying this project. I hope other people get value from it, too.

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Preparation & Gratitude Day 12

January 12th, 2012

This week I am preparing for two things. First, DeConpression. The adult relaxicon being held this weekend. I am part of the group that will be providing the alcohol and hosting the Saturday night party. The stage crew is also putting on some panels at the con. So, I’ve been helping get things a little bit organized for both groups, as well as getting myself ready to go. Tonight is load in, and tomorrow we set up and then have a good weekend.

The second thing is the inaugural issue of Modern Dungeon Quarterly. He put the idea in my head many weeks ago, and over the past month it has taken root and blossomed. I have mapped out the different sections of the magazine, found a POD vendor, bought the webdomain, set up a twitter account, lined up a photographer, and have at least one friend willing to edit with me.

The last two weeks have been spent writing the articles for the first issue. A featured dungeon, and the creator of its furniture, a featured furniture piece, an article on soundproofing, one on first aid kits, another on lighting, one on slippery floors and one on floggers. I’m not an expert, but I am a writer. So, I found experts, and discussion groups, and friends and gathered information to write the best articles I can. Last night, my photographer and I took pictures of the featured dungeon to finish out the main content of the first issue.

The next steps are getting the articles edited, populating the website and putting the magazine together. My goal is to have it on Sale by February 1st. I plan to order stock myself for local sales, and have it online for individual purchase, as well.

@PassionandSoul asked if I was going to be accepting outside submissions or writing all the content myself. I have articles planned for the first four issues, but some of that plan involves toy helping me out. I replied that eventually, I’ll be taking outside submissions. I just have to figure out how well things are going and what I can reasonably offer to writers. Writing it all myself is a big job, and I’m sure there are people out there who could really add to this projecct.

I am really excited about this project and as soon as I get my vendor’s license, I’ll be sorting out pre-orders.

I am grateful for:

1) Tight fingers in my hair

2) A lap to lay my head in

3) Sharp knives

4) Leatherman multitools

5) Community

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