Memory Pain Fear
April 12th, 2012
We are not born afraid. Very young children are fearless. They don’t know there is bad in the world. It is through experience that we gain fear. It is through pain that we become afraid. Physical, mental, emotional, our own or someone we love. I wasn’t afraid of needles, snakes or sparks until I had a bad experience. Loud noises didn’t bother me until they meant pain and fear. A lot of things in the kink world, I didn’t know to be afraid of until they happened. It is that memory of the pain, of the fear, of the trauma, that triggers now. Stronger than the reality. A stun gun pressed tight against my thigh causes far less reaction than the threat and crackling of it six inches away. The memory of the pain causes fear.
Today, I remember pain. A terrible pain, full of confusion and disbelief. And I am sad and crying. But I am also afraid. Afraid of losing someone else. Afraid of reliving that pain. Afraid of being ripped wide open and bare with nothing to hold on to. Afraid it will be worse, closer. So many are far apart, I don’t see them anymore. Today I remember, but I have to let go of the fear.
My family is far and wide. Idaho to Maine to the UP of Michigan. My college family is even further. Stretching over the ocean into England and the other way to China. Both groups have a few more local. My brother and his family. A couple college friends are still in town. My chosen kinky family is here for the most part. Here full of love and support (and all the typical family drama). No matter what happens, there are plenty of people who care and who I can turn to, in one way or another. Living in fear denies their contribution to my life. With their support, I can get through anything.
One day at a time.
30 Posts in 3 Days, or Why am I doing the 30 Days of Kink meme?
January 5th, 2011
The Everest Answer: Because it’s there.
The Ego-maniacal Answer: Because I can.
The Inner Child Answer: Because it’s fun.
The Social Networking Answer: Because a few others are doing it.
The Google Analytics Answer: Because more posts = more traffic.
My Answer:
I was looking for ways to connect with other bloggers and to drive more traffic to my blog. As a writer, I want to reach as many people as I can with my writing. When I noticed a call for guest posts on the topic of Defining Your Kinky Self, I jumped at it. I had fun writing that post, and I noticed it was for a meme of 30 questions. I glanced briefly over that meme, generally having no patience for such things, and noticed that some of the questions looked interesting and some of them looked fun. The turn of the year was coming up, and New Year’s resolutions being what they are, I figured one that would last me through January would be easy enough to stick to. Also, I had most of the first week of the month off from work and would need something besides cleaning to keep me entertained.
So, Saturday I reposted the guest post on my own blog, having only previously linked to it. Then Sunday I started writing. Answering the questions in order. I knew that some days I would be too busy to blog, so I figured I’d get a head start. The first six days were all very interesting questions to me. Where did my kinky self come from? Monday, I kept plugging away, figuring I might as well just get them all done as quickly as possible and then move on to bigger and better things. I had conversations with several people, both positive and negative, and come Tuesday, I finished up all the posts. By that evening, I had them done and scheduled to post over the course of the month.
So, what have I learned from this? I was planning on posting a reflections post on the 31st, but that’s a long way away and I finished writing them yesterday. A lot of the questions, I realized, I had already answered, and so I simply linked back to those answers, occasionally with a comment or two. Some of the questions were of no interest to me, so I gave a short and simple response or linked off site. Some of them were things I had not thought of in a long time, and so I enjoyed the reflection. I even got back in contact with an old friend, for at least a moment. While answering the questions, I came up with four other topics I wish to delve into more deeply on my own. All in all, I enjoyed poking around both in my memory and in my old blog posts.
So, I hope you enjoy this exercise as much as I did, and if not, well, most of the posts are very short, and I will be posting my usual weekly content, as well, possibly more than normal if I end up turning those four topics into four distinct posts. My New Year’s Resolution being to blog more often.
Rest In Peace
June 17th, 2010
He was the first one in the community to invite us into his home, into his dungeon. He hosted my first kinky birthday party. He was the first one to use a violet wand on me. He was warm and friendly, welcoming and caring. He made us feel at home in this new world we had discovered just around the corner. He introduced us to so many people and experiences. We were welcome in his home any time on any day. He was not just friend, but family.
My heart goes out to the one he left behind, she is every bit as wonderful as he was, the other half that made his household whole.
A great man has gone from us, but he will live on in our hearts and minds, and in all he gave to this world. We will miss him and we will remember him and we will celebrate his life.