TL:DR – Self Humiliation Play

December 22nd, 2013

I wrote five pages in my moleskine journal last night. I won’t be retyping it here. TL:DR – 1)I don’t need a Dom to make me feel weak and useless, my body does that already. 2)I don’t need a Dom to berate me and call me a worthless failure, my inner critic does just fine on its own. 3) The floor has nothing to hold on to. 4) The game was fun until he stopped playing, and I didn’t.

Still TL:DR?  I am in a constant game of consentual non-consent humiliation play with myself.

I started off the morning thinking it was a nonconsentual game, but when I’m being honest with myself, I’m the one allowing it to happen. I’m the one who controls my feelings, who allows the negativity to creep in. I’m the one who falls down the rabbit hole instead of stepping over it. Part of me thinks my fascination with humiliation play was my way of trying to figure out how to deal with myself, but that level of self-awareness was not present at the time. BDSM activities can be therapuetic, but they should not be confused with therapy.

A couple months ago, I started writing a list of positive things on a page in my journal. A good idea at the time, but bad execution. I don’t read/write in the journal every day, and once I’d written past that page, I forgot about it. Today, I’m going to type up the list on that page, and leave the paper in the typewriter until it gets full. So I will see it every day, and add to it. When a page is full, I’m going to post it on my bedroom mirror, to keep reading every day, and start a new page in the typewriter.

After my RA breakdown, I went out and bought healthy foods, to take back control of how my body feels. The Heinlein-Robinson book(Variable Star) I’m reading gives the same recommendations that he and others have been giving me for years – exercise and meditation. Exercise does not just mean the heavy lifting I do at work, I need to make a conscious effort. I’ve been working on meditation more this year, and I need to keep at it. The book asks four important questions of the main character who has unthinkingly set off for a frontier planet: Who are you? What led you to this place? Where are you going? Why are you going there? Good questions, even if you aren’t bound for space.

TL:DR – I need to learn to say No to myself, or more specifically, my inner critic.

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Healthy, Happy Submission

March 19th, 2012

Very late posting, sorry about that. I was busy and sleepy the last few days. And well, three posts the previous week, I hoped would tide you over until I got down to work. Several things running around in my head today. Might get a couple posts again.

 

I’m trying to get myself back on track. Getting back into my exercise and meditation routine, this time with music to keep me going. Music without words so I don’t get distracted. I’m going to do a bit of research on meditation as well. I want to make this a sustainable, healthy habit. Not get stuck in my head running circles like I did last time. That wasn’t the intent and I want to do better now.

Working on eating better as well. I’ve been slacking in my own shopping, and while I do enjoy eating regular meals with him and with hubby, I have to at least eat more alkaline on my own. Healthier imp means happier imp means better able to do relationship work means healthier and happier relationships. Everyone wins.

 

The engineer asked me a good question the other night that I want to ramble about. She asked my why submissives get such joy and fulfillment out of kneeling and/or sitting at their dom’s feet. I answered her saying, it gives me a feeling of being in my place, of being below and looking up to him. So, where does this come from? Old systems of government where you knelt to your sovereign? Slaves kneeling before masters? It has always been a symbol of a power exchange. The one kneeling giving up power to or acknowledging the power of the one standing or sitting above them.

My mind wanders now, to kneeling for him. As a symbol of the power I give to him. Even when he is not there, in front of me. It was the reason, originally. To think of him and what we had, when he wasn’t there. I warped and twisted it as things got difficult. Used it as time to dwell instead of internally reconnect. I get so lost inside my own head sometimes, but that was not a healthy way to explore it. Kneeling is about the exchange between us, not about the problems or the confusion or even about communication. It is a symbol of my submission to him, given freely.

 

I have gotten a lot of joy from blacking his boots. I put my kit together specifically for his boots, with just a extra tin of polish just in case. I found a fun box for it at work, and soon the engineer will be letting me borrow a headlamp so I can do better in the dark club. My boots this Saturday and the angles I was at even allowed me to remain kneeling the entire time, which I haven’t managed often lately. That made me extremely happy. As did his playful rocking of his boots on my thighs that caused quite delicious pain. I still have a couple happy marks from it.

Through all the ups and downs, and busy times, and changes in schedules, this has been one of the constants. Taking care of his boots has been one way I can serve him regularly. It is something I can do at any of the venues the crew gets together at and it is something that is regularly needed. And I can do it while he works, observes or holds other conversations.

I am very grateful that I found bootblacking and that our local title holder was an open resource to me. She helped me and taught me when I first started out, and showed me how happy I could make him with such a simple service. As well as the joy I could get out of it. I have been called a baby bootblack, but really, it is more personal than that, I am his baby bootblack. And it makes me very happy.

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The Writing on My Thighs

March 17th, 2011

What’s really there is that I have an awesome boyfriend who loves me, who trusts me, and who wants to continue our journey together, in life and in kink.

What’s really there is several new paths we are taking, one including an awesome woman who has decided to be our toy.

What’s really there is stressful work and health situations that are not who we are, but simply things we are doing and dealing with.

What’s really there is drama in our worlds and families that we need to deal with and solve together, supporting each other.

What’s really there is amazing opportunities for love and companionship and play and fun together, that I never would have thought possible five years ago.

 

These sentences are currently written on my thighs. I wrote them in a chat yesterday, and we decided I ought to write them on myself for a little while. “Until the message sinks in,” you might say. I need practice focusing on the positive. I need to not let the negative build up and build up, because “it’s just a little thing,” until it becomes a whirlwind of fear, doubt and crazy. I’m a writer, a good thing, but also bad. I write stories in my head, make assumptions, fill in the blanks. I live inside my head a little too much. I need to remember there are other people out there, often right beside me, who have the real answers, the actual truth of the matter, and sometimes, a far better grip on reality than the tangled mess I sometimes get myself into. Speculative fiction is awesome to write and sell and share, but reality is strange enough without me getting creative on it.

So, lesson of the week: Communicate!

How many times have I written about communication? And yet…

Things are far easier to deal with and discount and conquer when they are small. And nothing is too small to mention. A grain of sand creates a pearl, but a fleck of metal can blind you and a single spark can burn down a forest. He is good at noticing when something is wrong or off, but I am not always so good at realizing he is right. So, communication. Don’t dismiss it when he questions, really look and try to shake loose the thought that is keeping me off balance by hiding in the corner. Life is always crazy and busy and stressful, but letting things bottle and build up is only going to make things worse. Explosions are far more damaging than a firecracker. Just don’t hang on too tight, toss it up in the air and see what it looks like in the light.

 

I am loved. I am wanted. I am needed. I am worthy.

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Complete Shibari: Land and Sky

May 6th, 2010

My mentor recently ordered Complete Shibari Land and Complete Shibari Sky by Douglas Kent. After looking at them, let me just say they are gorgeous. Full of clear color photographs of knots, ties, suspensions and beautiful art. He lets the photos and simple icons take the place of lengthy instructions, including words only when necessary. He starts each book with sensible safety information, as well as a photographic index. He goes into the physics of suspension and lifting. He writes in a clear and approachable manner, and takes time to point out that not every bottom is healthy, fit or flexible enough to accomplish all the things in the book, especially some of the artistic photographs. He also talks about how important it is to understand the concepts, not just memorize the patterns. They are both incredible books, and are clear, concise and very informative.

We have been working on learning the knots and the ties he shows. Experimenting with the designs, combining them and seeing what works for us. Some are very different ties than we usually do. Focusing on aesthetics rather than on comfort. We work to find balance and make them fit to my body and his vision. I have enjoyed working with them, and look forward to his third book, as well.

I recommend them to anyone with an interest in rope, and especially to anyone who loves shibari.

Website: http://www.completeshibari.com/

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