Winter Blues, Spring Fever

April 10th, 2017

I have been terrible about posting these last few months, and I do apologize, my dear readers. The cold weather that came along with winter this year (and maybe even the lack of pretty snow to go with it), had me near hibernating most of the time. Wrapped up in blankets on my couch, not being very creative at all, for months.

Now, it is Spring. Easter is right around the corner. Today, I have my curtains and blinds open. My windows are letting in fresh air. I have tidied up my entire apartment. And birds are chirping happily just outside.

(And, also, the WoW servers are down. 😉  )

I’m not going to make any promises about posting, but I hope that I can make a turn for the better. I’ve bought plenty of fresh vegetables. I’ve gotten off prednisone. I’m working towards a better quality of life.

On the relationship side of things, the poly family is adjusting rather well to the ‘new’ addition. We’ve had a few schedule bumps along the way, but, with patience and talking, we have sorted them (and the reactions to them) out. My other guy is now occasionally referring to us as dating, so that’s a nice change. We have schedule bumps, too, and we’re heading for at least one or two more when he gets a new job. But we’ll work it out.

I really like that we are all able to talk about things openly and figure it out. Life isn’t perfect, and change is constant. But I wouldn’t miss a single bump, because of all the joy my relationships, friends, and families bring.

 

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Quiet Holidays

December 15th, 2016

I posted a lot in November, and haven’t posted since. Sorry about that. I’ve been taking lots of Me Time. Playing video games, watching Netflix, relaxing, and even some cooking. Looking forward to some quiet holidays. I’ve got my usual short family visit at some point, puppy-sitting, and a small NYE gathering coming up. A nice quiet holiday season.

There was a nice class on tea/dinner service last night. My favorite part of the class was the discussion of Service as a cycle of energy exchange. The presenter discussed how the Recipient provides opportunities for the Server to provide service. The Server in turn, performs the actions. The recipient receives pleasure/comfort from the actions, and the server feels pleasure/comfort from performing the actions. There is also opportunity for gratitude, discussion, and compliments. Service is not one-sided. There have to be two engaged people, or you would have no one to serve.

Looking forward to the conventions coming up. DeCon and Winter Wickedness. I still have to get my tickets, but I should be good to go for both. I don’t have any particular plans, but to have a good time with friends and loved ones. I’m sure plans will get sorted out closer to. A bit distracted and thoughts scattered today. I’ll try and get back to posting substantial things again soon.

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Thanks Giving 2016

November 24th, 2016

I am thankful for my families. My parents for being supportive in all the ways they can. My brother for being the best brother he can, and a good father to my nephew and nieces. My boyfriend and his wife, for making me a part of their family. My crew family, for coming together, working together, and taking care of each other. My other crew family, for very much the same things, and for fighting together, for a better future.

I am thankful for my friends. Living all over the globe, we still are connected. We still share each other’s joys and sorrows. And when we meet up, there is no space between us. I am thankful for all the love, support, advice, stories, and pictures that we share.

I am thankful for my community. We are like a family. There are still squabbles, and not everyone gets along. But we have built an awesome community anyway. We are strong, we are varied, and we are full of acceptance for one another, and opportunities to share with each other.

I am thankful for my boyfriend. Who has seen me through thick and thin. Who has stuck by me even in the darkest of places. Who has brought a light, and a mirror, to help me see. Who brings me love and joy, and shares the load of sorrows and pain. Who knows just how to make me scream or cry or laugh or fly. Who always makes me feel heard, appreciated, and cared for. And who trusts me to give all these things to him.

I am thankful for my label-less partner. Who brings his own brand of care. Who shares his heart and his mind with me. Who helps me feel attractive, desirable, and unashamed. Who introduces me to new authors, new movies, and new shows with such unbounded enthusiasm, even when they are heartbreakingly unfinished. Who, though not certain about poly, is still eager to share some of his time and life with me.

I am thankful for the life that I lead, the opportunities I have been given, the love, support, and joy that surround me. I am thankful to live in this place, at this time, with so much ahead of us all. I am thankful to you, my dear readers, for making me part of your lives.

Thank you.

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This Brain of Mine, it has a mind of its own

November 20th, 2016

That was not where I intended to take the previous post. But that is where it went. A lot of things have been going on, and I promised myself I would not censor this month. So, I let my fingers go where my exhausted brain directed. And I am pretty much exhausted, drained, and worn out.

But, for all of that, it has been a good weekend. I spent Friday night at the club, reaching out to teach the community about what it is that my crew offers, and helping provide a safe place for everyone to explore. I was present for a very moving Masters Capping ceremony. I got to spend time playing with him, and sharing love with my chosen family.

On Saturday, I got to spend a very nice night with my other chosen family. Sharing drinks, food, music, and laughter. As well as plenty of hugs, cuddles, kisses, nibbles, and yes, even the glitter of a metamour.  Today, there was open, honest, passionate conversation, for the coming together, and not just moving forward, but upward, towards building better things.

Work is going to suck tomorrow, but I spent the weekend doing what I love, with those that I love. Every minute, every smile, and every tear was worth it.

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Thoughts Do Roll About

October 16th, 2016

I did a decent job of writing more in September, until I got swept up into my moving frenzy. Not on here, but for myself, that is. And it was good. But then I stopped again, full of things to do, and not making time for myself, other than binging on Netflix murder mystery shows. (Mom brought me up on Murder She Wrote, and it’s just spiraled from there.)

I have a lot of Stuff just floating around in my head. Thoughts that are no good for me, that I really should get out of there, and let go of. Thoughts of being unimportant, not good enough, of being a “single secondary” for the rest of my life. Thoughts that have no place in reality, but are so powerfully depressing, that some days, I just can’t shake them. I’m 36 years old, there is plenty of life left in me, and I have wonderful friends and family that love me. I have him, and I am part of his family, and he loves me. I have a sexual partner who cares for me, and enjoys spending time with me. And I have a life full of work and play and joy.

I am grateful for the things I have, and I am working towards the things I want to have. Even if that path is sometimes confusing, or covered in fog (which is often self-created). I will find it, and I will walk it. With love and support from all my friends and family.

 

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State of Things

July 13th, 2016

Not much is going on in my kinky life these days. I go to the weekly class and practice, and the monthly class and party. But, other than my “duties” as part of crew, I don’t do a whole lot. He pokes me a bit here and there at these events, but we’re both too busy/otherly focused/exhausted/stressed to do much more than drive-bys.

I have my weekly poly-family night with him and his wife, and that’s nice – we have tasty dinners and veg in front of the TV and chat about work and life. I’m usually managing a once-a-month visit up north, to see the new guy, who I guess is not so new any more, to hang out, eat tasty food, and enjoy one another. Soon, he’ll be living down here, then we have a whole new scheduling game to play. It’s a pretty good life, I’ve got. Just not terribly exciting.

And that’s okay. I’m working two jobs, trying to balance work-life-sleep-money, and enjoying the love, friendship, and family I have. He asks me fairly often if I’m happy – yes, I’m happy. Do I want/wish for more in life/out of life? Sure, but who doesn’t? We’re a very motivated, ambitious, and curious people. We always want more – more money, more time, more excitement, more things, more experiences, more sex, more play, more, more, more. But that doesn’t mean I’m not happy with what I’ve got.

Right now, my focus of “more” is on getting a better job and a better apartment. A better job so I can afford the other “mores” I want, and have a better schedule to have time for the other “mores,” too. A better apartment so I can have people over without them dying of heat stroke, or being annoyed at the shouty neighbors, to facilitate other “mores” with friends and family.

The state of things bigger than my little world? Well, that’s a whole other ball of crazy wax.

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Surrounded by Wolves

April 22nd, 2016

The only wall decorations in my living room are pictures of wolves taken from calendars my mother-in-law used to get me every year. Two or three wolves in each picture, adults or pups. I didn’t want any lone wolf pictures around me, I wanted families. To remind me, in my single home, that I am not alone. I am part of a family, part of a pack, loved and cared for and wanted.

A lot is going on in my world. Changes, adjustments, frustrations, and joys. I work a draining job, and a very fun job, and I apply for others. I wish things were simpler, but I know that would be boring. I juggle finances, responsibilities, and fun with nearly equal measure. I’m listening to books now, to balance not making time to read. I’m not writing enough, but whenever I remember that, I make some time.

I do love my life, and making plans for the future. I am grateful for the health I have, if occasionally cranky for the health I lack. I am grateful for all the love in my life, for the friends and chosen family, who have chosen me, too.

Spring is springing, new life, new joys, new opportunities.

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Thanks Giving

November 28th, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving, readers!

I am having a week of feasting with family and friends. The usual dinner Monday night with the Poly-cule. Tuesday Thanksgiving dinner with the gaming family. Wednesday Thanksgiving dinner with him and his wife. Today with their pets (pet sitting, yay snuggly puppy). And tomorrow with my work family while we wade through the chaos of Black Friday. And leftovers all weekend long! 🙂

I am thankful for my life, and those that love me: my family and my friends. I am thankful for you, readers, and for e[lust] digest for bringing me many more. I am thankful for the freedom to live, love and play the way that makes me happy. I am thankful for the community I live in, locally, nationally and worldwide. I am thankful for having enough health to enjoy almost everything I wish to enjoy, and enough challenges to keep me strong in spirit, if not in body. (Okay, so some would say stubborn, but that can lead to strength… 😉 ) I am thankful for a job that has lasted eleven years, even though I have wanted a better one for half that time, it has kept me housed, clothed and fed, with a little help from my friends/family.

I am thankful to my parents for my education, past and present. I am thankful to all those who have kicked my ass or held up a mirror or dropped the hammer on my head, especially K and him, you have helped me become a stronger, healthier person. I am thankful for those who have enjoyed, encouraged and critiqued my writing, it keeps me going to know I’m reaching someone. I am thankful for all those teachers and presenters who have inspired, stimulated, or educated me throughout the years. I am thankful for every single relationship I have had, they all taught me a great deal about myself, and brought love and joy into my life.

Thank you and have a happy and safe holiday season.

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Human Dignity

April 25th, 2013

I’m not a political person, but I’ve been watching a lot of West Wing dvds lately, and paying a little more attention to the news. You might have noticed from the last few weeks of links to articles, and the odd political rant or two. Maybe I’m just growing up. Maybe intolerance and hate has boiled to a point where I just can’t stand to be quiet any more. To let others do the talking for me, because I don’t like to talk. But I like to write, so why not write? So I’ve been writing, and linking to other peoples’ writings. I’m not an activist, but basic human dignity is something worth standing up for. The right to love, the right to live, the right to learn, and the right to truth. The right of everyone, to walk down the street unmolested, no matter their gender, sexuality, ethnicity, or clothing choices. How much more basic can we get? People bemoan the lost promises of the Jetsons, but if we can’t even treat one another with dignity, how are we going to come together to create the future?

We point fingers and blame easy targets. Westboro, Al-Qaeda, KKK, neo-nazis, fundamentalists of all shapes and sizes. But it isn’t just the big, organized hate groups that are the problem. It’s the jock bullying the recently outed gay kid. It’s the divisiveness in the LGBT community. It’s the false superiority of “twue doms” and “twue subs.” It’s the religion major standing on campus holding a “You Deserve to be Raped” sign. It’s abstinence-only “educators” who shame teenagers for having sexual urges at all. It’s a teacher being fired for her partner’s name being published in her mother’s obituary. It’s vigilantes going after peaceful Muslim communities after a tragedy. It is everyone who paints a community based on a single member.

Last night we talked about Leather. We talked about exclusiveness and inclusiveness. We talked about how protocols helped people feel like they had earned a place in the group. We talked about the other members feeling like that person cared enough to put in the effort. It takes work for a group of people to become a community, and for a community to become a family. But inclusiveness is good, too. Being open to new people, new ideas, is how we grow, and remain strong. If you try to keep people out, or set the bar too high, the group will grow old and die, with no fresh blood to keep it living. It is good to have like-minded people together, to support one another, just remember that other groups, other people, have just as much value. It isn’t about being better than, it’s about making everyone better, and the a world better place.

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Thanksgiving Day Gratitude

November 22nd, 2012

Thanksgiving. A day for gratitude and over eating. What am I grateful for this year?

I am grateful for all the people who love me, and whom I love. I have a life full of loving, and caring individuals who support me. Whether they live with me, in the same town as me, in a different state or even in a different country. I have a wonderful network of friends, family and chosen family. And I am grateful for them every day of the year.

I am grateful that I was born in the USA, with it’s freedoms, democracy, and wide diversity of beliefs, people, opinions, and opportunities. So much of the world is drowning in poverty, oppression and war. I am grateful that I have so few barriers (and those mostly internal) to following my dreams.

I am grateful for this blog. I have this space where I can speak my mind, openly and without fear. I can share it with people or leave it to be discovered. I occasionally get comments, publicly or privately, that encourage me to continue. I am grateful for a place to share my journey with others.

I am grateful for the little things. For a hug when I need it most. For a whipping when I need to break. For knowing I’ve only cracked and pushing harder. For a bed to crash in. For smart ass jokes. For pictures of fire. For kitties. For a puppy curled up in my lap. For apologies. For thank you. For space. For closeness. For believing. For listening. For asking. For silence. For music. For a phone call. For a text message. For I love you. For mindless movies. For chocolate. For cooking lessons at 2am. For running out for take out. For comments, likes and loves. For comfy couches and fleece blankets.

Speaking of which, I have to be at work in 7 hours. Goodnight folks.

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