Rope Weekend

February 29th, 2016

Worked an intermediate Rope Intensive this weekend. The classes focused on TK wraps, a new arms-front chest harness, connection and negotiation. They were good basic classes, and created some good discussion and thoughts. Last week we also had a fishbowl for rope bottoms to discuss questions posed by tops.

The biggest theme of all of these classes was communication and connection. Not only being able to communicate, but also creating common language for understanding. It is important to know what you want and need, but even more important to be able to communicate those things clearly to your partner.

“I enjoy pain,” can mean a great many things to a great many people. “I want a futomomo with coconut rope,” or “I enjoy simple suspensions and being flogged while I’m suspended,” or “I like tight, painful floorwork including hogties,” are all much more specific and clear.

The more important thing, is to figure out what you like or want, or what you want out of a particular scene. Just because you like something, doesn’t mean you want it in that moment, or with that person. What you want out of a scene can also help you narrow down all the things you like, into what you would like today and with that person.

This can be an important question not just in scene negotiation, but in life. What do you want out of a relationship, out of a job, out of your education, or even just out of life in general.

 

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Classes

February 8th, 2016

Went to three classes this year. One about Accepting the Demon Within. Which turned out to be more about rewriting the stories of your upbringing. Turning the guilt and shame of our unconventional turn-ons into good things. Accepting that which makes us happy and horny, and that which makes our partners happy and horny. By creating “new intentions.” It was taught by a life coach, and as such, was very much like all the other life-coaching classes I’ve been to. Not a bad thing, just not a new thing. I think my nugget from that class was taking the fear of admitting to a fetish and turning it into a more easily spoken fetish by talking about why it is a fetish. The example given was admitting enjoying tickling as a fetish, because he liked reactions. My example might be admitting enjoying rape-play as a fetish, because I like having control taken from me by force.

The second class I went to was Balloon Bondage. It was fun and silly and loud and educational. I learned that I cannot blow up long, balloon art balloons. 😉 He tried to teach us how, but only a few folks could do what he described. I was not one of those few. However, my partner in class was, and we quickly decided we should do a balloon bondage scene at our next event together. Though, she’s still going to bring a pump for ease sake.

The third class I went to was about connection through rough body play. He talked about the three factors: Attention/Focus, Contact, and Tension. Giving your partner your attention and focus, as well as capturing their attention and focus. Contact, even if it’s not physical. Eye contact, energy contact, physical contact. Creating tension through fear or expectation. Hitting in a rhythm then pausing before hitting again. Making them face forward while you are behind them. He showed great examples with his demo bottom. He even called another play partner out of the audience, with whom he has a different dynamic. The focus, contact, and tension was created and displayed almost instantly. Beautiful.

I intended to go to other classes, but lunch and chatting got in the way of that. Lunch did net me an extra scene for the weekend, though.

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Post COPE Post

September 19th, 2015

It was a different event this year. A different crowd, a different feel, a different energy. He had a lot of requests, I was just planning on one scene with him. I demo-bottomed for one part of one class, attended one demo, and sat with him for part of a third. I did my usual service thing, cleaned his boots before opening ceremonies, got him drinks and food, lugged the gear, claimed furniture, and knelt/sat attentively for his scenes. It was a quieter weekend for us. The scenes went really well, for all of us. Four flogging scenes in a row Friday night, mine being the finale, and one more on Saturday. All very good and energetic scenes.

I usually do scene write-ups after big events, but I haven’t really got it in me this time. It was a good scene, it was what I wanted and needed. Flogging, paddling, even a jolt of electricity. There were screams and groans and tears, by the end I was floating high. But I don’t have the words for it. It wasn’t a journey of distinctive parts. I could probably identify most of the tools he used – floggers, the new butt hammer, thumper and paddle, and the stun gun. I can’t, however, remember the order, or the flow. It isn’t a stream of consciousness like I usually get in my head. It is more like a nice, hot, comfortable whirlpool of love, emotion, and connection. Except for the cross we used… that was fucking awkward. 😉 But we made it work, together.

I had another scene-ish thing this week, too. At practice, which in the near future, will be more like old practice once again. He was teaching people six-count. One of them was doing really well, so he gave her my back, to test just how well. They took turns, her more than him, and her aim was pretty good. Trying different floggers for weight and feel. It was nice to be doing that again. He even had me turn around to show her breast flogging. Doing quite the number on my chest between them.

Then he pulled out the dragontail, and they traded that off for a while. I pointed out to her at one point that she was the only person other than him who I let him me with that thing. He was teaching her to watch body language, processing and reactions. I only let her do it because he was teaching. She, who had not wanted to “hurt me” with the floggers, really got into laying red lines and spots with the tail.

Then she got into another conversation, and he proceeded to go through the toy bag to hit me with other things. He grinned at me at one point, “Do you feel thanked enough for your service this weekend?” He had not left a lot of marks on my during our scene at COPE, but he sure made up for it that night. Even going so far as to lay Uncle grid marks on my thighs at the end. Gods, I love him so much. I even got in some snuggles after, while he surfed the net, and we waited for the night to wind down.

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Love & Sex

August 3rd, 2015

Why don’t you want to have sex?

I have a lot of friends, and I flirt with many of them. Some of them I get physical with, either kissing or kink-wise. But I stopped having casual sex years ago, for a handful of reasons. I no longer have sex outside an established relationship.

This does not mean he has to call me girlfriend, or be madly in love with me. What it does mean is that we can’t be just friends. I need to have a deeper connection than that. I have to know that I mean more to him than that. He has to mean more to me than that.

In my poly world, it also means everyone involved has to be okay with it. It also means our connection has to be strong enough that he won’t ditch me at the slightest bit of metamour upset. And that she would not expect him to.

I need clear communication. I need emotional connection. I need security.

I play a long game. I had a lot of short relationships in college, but most of them continued long after they were over. I don’t stop loving people just because dating them didn’t work. So, if I am going to emotionally invest in someone, there has to be some investment in return.

Because I fall hard and deep. Because I am not afraid of pain, but I’d rather have joy. Because life is too short for one night stands, even when they are months in the making.

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Two Hours of Bliss

September 17th, 2014

Getting ready for the party. She wants a long slow burn. Do we want beat together or separately? Together seems like a better chance of a longer scene, trading off. We go in search of furniture, but end up in an alcove, against a wall, side by side.

That wall becomes my friend, my anchor, my focus.

He has 8 new wooden toys, plus all his floggers, and the cocks, and the dragontail, and the stun gun. He uses them All.

We start with floggers, warming up the skin, sinking into our heads and our bodies. I am nodding, hands searching the wall for purchase, for best position, shoulders tense and tired. We find our stride, slow and steady.

He comes forward, pulls our shirts off our shoulders, for a better view. There is more moaning and screaming now as floggers hit bare skin. Arms trapped, my hands now have a place, forehead sometimes against the wall. Heels tapping and body rocking and head nodding with the strikes.

Skirts pulled down next, revealing asses for the new paddles. Screams and jumping, twisting, but keep facing the wall. Falling deeper inside now, there is some growling and more stomping.

He pulls giant rubberbands down our bodies and around our asses. Oh, the screaming and swearing, whimpering and arching. Stop turning! Am not trying to turn, am bracing against the pull, but I don’t argue. He is giggling so much.

Put in the corner, marinating, breathing, sinking, floating. And he is back.

Toys keep switching, turn around, time for thighs and breasts. The joy and huge smile on his face is excellent. I grin right back, she is sobbing. I freak out a bit at heavy breast hits, hard to kept my hands down. Wall sits. What? She shows, okay. Beating thighs. So good.

Zap. Zappity, zap. The stun gun makes me twitch, a lot. The horrible noise of death. Even him zapping her, I am whimpering and twitching. Choice time, stun gun or dragontail. She takes stun gun. I take the tail. Her first, I cringe and twitch in the corner, and then leaves her holding it. So many kisses of the tail. Nope, no blood. The shirt is slipping, so I let it drop. Oh really? He snaps my hip. Fuck you! What? Sir… many more snaps and much screaming.

Turns us into the corners. I am so high! The texture of the wall is super interesting, feels so good on my fingertips. This is how people describe ecstasy. My whole body is humming. And we are not done. Skirt is completely gone, when I did that happen? Before the shirt fell, I think.

Paddles, floggers, and whips, oh my! Up and down we go. Filling the space with screaming and pain and giggles and tears. Floating and shaking and now, I cannot see the texture of the wall. My eyes and words don’t work.

We just keep going. Sticks and cocks and paddles and popper and floggers and dragontail. Oh, his nails and hands feel so good on raw flesh. So deep in my body, gone from my mind. The wall is so comfy and nice to lean on.

How am I going to blog this, with pictures of all the toys? And now I am giggling again. Or a running description of the wall? Hey, look, I can see the wall again.

She is screaming and crying, and I am giggling. We are facing him again. He snaps the rubberband on my thighs. She is begging no. Knees. We don’t get it. On Your Knees. We both drop. Come here. We each curl up on an arm as we come down. I am feeling great. Happy pool of goo, covered in pretty red and purple. 

 

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For the Love of Service

April 10th, 2014

I just watched an episode of House, M.D. about a blogger. She blogs her entire life (except her BM, that is), and it got me wondering about my blogging. I blog once a week here and on my family-friendly blog (which is like my weekly call home, as generally it is only my family who comments on it, though a few friends do read it, too). I’ve been at this blog for nearly five years now, with 413 posts including this one (I’m sure the actual 5-year mark will be a fun celebration of links or something).

I didn’t post last week, and I really wasn’t sure what I was going to post about this week. I don’t share a lot of the Really Personal stuff here, and sometimes, I just feel like I don’t want to share anything. Other times, I wonder if I have shared too much. But I still come back here (nearly) every week. Because I want to share with you, my dear readers. I want to be the voice saying, you are not alone. There are others like you, who feel the way you do, who have the same problems and missteps. This is how I give back. I was welcomed by my kink community, and I want to help others find their own, even if it is just by letting them that such a thing exists.

I was trying to explain my desire to serve to a friend this week. I went searching the Service tag on this blog, but did not find a post that really explained my view clearly and succinctly, to share with him. There are lots of posts that mention it, or talk of a specific example. But, getting right down to the heart of it, did not seem to be there. So, I told him: helping people fills me up.

It really is as simple as that. I’ve lasted in the retail industry for eleven years, not because I love sales (hate it, hate it with a firey passion), but because I love helping people. And yet, he still had to point this out to me a few years ago, when I bristled at the idea of being a service sub, if only because I disliked the examples I had to that point. I’m still not sure that I would be a service sub for any future partner, but I know the caretaker in me comes out regardless of whatever dynamic we may or may not have.

I went to a really awesome service intensive this past weekend, but when I looked back over my notes, I wasn’t really sure what I’d post about it, other than a general list of classes and that they were great. I didn’t want to reiterate what the teachers had spent so much time creating, it felt like I’d be stealing their hard work if I posted about a class individually in depth. So, here’s an overview.

I learned about mindfulness and gracefulness in each act of service. I learned about pouring tea and catching drips. I learned about the difference in leather-care opinions between leatherworkers and bootblacks. I learned about folding napkins and towels into fun and amusing shapes. I was reminded that receiving service is not passive, and involves just as much vulnerability as giving service. And I learned about gentle massages and nerve stroking. But more than that, it was a very small group, which enabled me to meet and connect with some really great people from the local area, and from as far away as D.C. and Minnesota. We had a wonderful time and are already asking to do it again.

As per my last post, even after a class in mindfulness, I went to lunch Monday and forgot to change into a skirt for him. My mind was so full of other things that when he looked at me funny, I didn’t even realize it until he pointed it out. I spent last night digging mud out of his boot soles, after he went to the dog park, as penance. He thanked me today, and even so, my brain was full of wishing I’d done better. Don’t I always? But I did a better job at cleaning them than I’ve ever done before, so I’ll be happy with that. And I’ll ask the other bootblacks for tips on Saturday.

Well, considering I wasn’t sure if I was going to post Anything today, I’d say that’s a fair bit of rambling about service. Good night, dear readers, see you next week.

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Needs, Wants & Desires

June 27th, 2013

Last night, I was introduced to a new way to view things. I have talked before about wants and needs, but this is a different way to look at them. We were talking specifically about scening, and broke it up into Needs, Wants, and Desires. We were talking about Role Play, and the presenters set forth that if you know what you need, want, and desire, then you can find creative ways to do have good scenes. I found this concept very interesting to think about narrowed down to just scenes/play.

I will be addressing these, first, as a bottom, which is my preferred place in a scene.

Needs. What do I need in a scene for it to work for me? Without what, is a scene just pointless and flat? First, connection. I need to feel an emotional connection to my scene partner. That can be friendship, love, or even just attraction. Second, power exchange. I need there to be some giving and taking of control. This necessitates the third, trust. Without trust, there is no scene.

Wants. What do I want out of a scene? What, if I don’t have it, will make the scene feel off afterward? Bondage. Mental or physical. Rope, leather, chain. Stay there. Don’t move. Don’t let go. Keep quiet. Hands behind your back. Hands on the wall. I want the power exchange to result in control of my physical being in some manner. Intense sensation. I’m a masochist, I love intense sensation. Pain, pleasure, adrenaline, endorphins. If I’m blacking his boots, I don’t need him to grind the sole into my leg, but I certainly want him to and I feel like I missed something if he doesn’t. If I’m flying through the air, I want to feel the bite of the rope, and the adrenaline of the flight, and the pull when I spin. Floating can all soft and comfy just isn’t the same, fortunately hemp is good at biting in even in floaty scenes. Not to mention the feel of it sliding over my skin going on and off.

Desires. What are the figurative cherries on top? What makes a scene extra special? Spacing out. Reaching rope space, pain space, sub space. Often in that order. I love pushing through pain space to bliss out in subspace. Or using rope space to get to one of the others. Break down. Sometimes pushing through pain space doesn’t get me to sub space, it leaves me in a puddle of sobbing goo, and that can be awesome, too. Sexual intimacy. Orgasms, hand jobs, blow jobs, boot licking, sex. Even just cuddling up naked after a scene. That skin on skin contact to ride the waves back down.

So, how do these things play out. Let’s take last night’s play as an example. A dragontail and paddle scene.

Needs: connection, power exchange, and trust. He and I are very connected, in a loving relationship for over three years, and a friendship for even longer. I am submissive to him, and when he comes at me with that dragontail, it is definitely me giving up control to him to let him hit me with it. And I trust him absolutely, to not slice me open or hit me in the face.

Wants: bondage, intense sensation. When he comes at me with the dragontail, my hands go instinctively behind my back. When we play in that venue, I have to control my volume, or cover my mouth. When he’s hitting me, I have to try my best to be still. Pain? Oh hell yeah. Dragontail stinging and paddle smacking, awesomely intense sensations.

Desires: Last night, the cherry was pain space, into sub space. After a while, I was squeaking less and breathing more with the strikes. When I was done, I was all cuddling dopey sub spaced out for a few minutes. And I got some hugs and kisses to top it off, too.

Needs, wants and desires met.

Part Two

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Hook-Up

June 20th, 2013

He was staring at her, she could feel his gaze as she danced. Every time she glanced his way, he met her eyes. There was no shame in that look, he did not mind being caught watching her. She was always the first to look away. Quickly at first, blushing because he was handsome. As the night drew on, however, she found herself searching for him.

She slipped off the dance floor, and he was there, right in front of her. She froze and looked into his eyes. They stayed perfectly still for several minutes, until he broke the spell.

“Would you like a drink?” His voice deep enough to cut through the music still blaring away, he held out a bottle of cider, just opened.

“Sure, thanks.” She took it and as he guided her to the nearest table, she continued, “You’ve been staring at me all night.”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because you are a very beautiful woman; and you didn’t seem to mind.”

“Thank you. No, not after a bit anyway.” She took a sip. “But, don’t you know that it’s rude to stare?”

“I’m sorry. Shall I go, then?” He started to rise, but she waved him down.

“Apology accepted.”

“Why didn’t you mind?” He caught her gaze again, held it as he spoke. “You kept looking back to me.”

“Well, you’re a very attractive man.”

“And?” he pressed, leaning towards her.

“And… it’s nice to feel wanted.” She tried to sound flippant, but it came out breathy, so she took another swig of cider.

“It is, isn’t it? Do you want me?” He brushed the back of her hand with fingertips.

“Yes. I mean… well, okay, yes.” She fumbled and dropped her eyes.

“Look at me.” His voice still low; his fingertips left her hand and lifted her chin. “Why are you embarrassed?”

“I don’t know you. I don’t even know your name.” She looked into his eyes, trying to stay calm.

“Nor I, you.” He slid his fingertips across her cheek and jaw to the back of her neck. “But I know I want to kiss you.”

He leaned toward her, and she toward him, their lips met, his hand a gentle pressure on her neck, one of her own, slipping up to touch his chest. When he pulled away, she gasped for breath, her heart pounding and her body throbbing. She resisted the urge to thank him.

“Are you ready to go home?” he asked.

“With you?” she answered without even thinking.

“Is that what you want?” He held out a hand to her.

“Yes, very much so.” She took his hand and he led her out of the club.

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What I Learned About Humiliation Play

February 7th, 2013

One of the first things they talked about was the different levels of humiliation play. You could play lightly with being shy, or a little harder into embarrassment, or harder still into shame, or further into degradation, or go all the way into objectification. Or you could run up and down the ladder in one scene. The first couple are about things you’re doing – shy about talking about sex, or embarrassed by being naked in public. In shame, you’re digging more into the person, the brain – feeling like a bad person for what you’re doing, or that you’re enjoying what you’re doing. Degradation is deeper tearing down of a person – being Told you’re a bad person, or a slut, or worthless. Then, you can get all the way to objectification – being treated like an object, with no rights, no voice, no humanity – you have become a piece of furniture, a thing to be used, or not worth using.

The next thing he talked about was how to create these scenes. How to find things you can humiliate a person about. Mostly here, he talked about conversations, and reading body language. If a person’s eyes dart away and back, or they blush or bite their lower lip. This could be something to play with. You can also tell what level of humiliation they are at by body language. When a person reaches shame, the eyes tend to stay down, and the body language turns away. Degradation and objectification lead to even more closed and small body language. He also talked about it being important, once you start down this road, to not let up or balk at the first sign of resistance. The bottom/sub generally wants a strong top/dom, not someone who is going to back down at the first argument or tear.

The third most important thing, in my opinion, that was discussed was reconciliation after the scene. You have to both recover from a humiliation scene, and it can be a lot more mentally taxing than other types of scenes. Some pretty horrible things can be said and felt. It is of utmost importance to remember that you love each other and that you played that way because you both enjoy it, and it gives you pleasure. You also have to figure out what kind of aftercare you require beyond these reminders. In the class, he said he has to leave her alone for 20-30 minutes because she reacts in anger, and has to come down from there on her own. For me, I need verbal reassurance and physical connection. Chocolate is never a bad idea either. 😉

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Three Years

May 17th, 2012

I started this blog three years ago this week. I’d been in the local community about one year at that point. So, four years in the kinky community. It has definitely been the “bumpy, wild and sometimes very dark” ride that I promised in that first post. I has also been wonderful, amazing and very fun. There has been love and joy. There has been anger and pain. There have been incredible highs and dizzying spirals. My life has been filled with new people, new experiences, new love, new family, and new growth, I have battled old demons, old habits, old programming, and old beliefs. I have learned new skills, new ways of being, new ways of communicating, and discovered new strengths inside myself. I have made plenty of mistakes, uncovered weaknesses, become lost and broken. But through it all, I have found support, I have learned, I have grown, and I continue to strive for better. I have found joy in helping, in serving, in teaching and in guiding others.

I have discovered things that did not work for me, but they do not make me a failure. I have learned from these experiences, just as much as any others, perhaps more. And I am still learning from them, and teaching from them. That is one of the reasons I created this blog, so others who might read it would not feel alone, would know that others are having similar experiences. I have often found it hard to write about these things when they are happening, but I think I got around to most of them eventually. Often when the problem was solved, or at least finally understood, was I able to reflect publicly on it.

I started this blog anonymously. I think it was a year before I started sharing it with people, with my significant others and with my friends in the community. About the same time that I created PervertedImp.com and started double posting at both WordPress and the .com. I still haven’t decided if I’m ever going to stop the WordPress one and just have it forward to the .com. I don’t have much of a following there, but I do have a few. (WordPressers, comment if you’d like me to keep that blog up, or just come join the rest of us at .com.) I still keep a separate Fetlife account, though the lines are getting a bit fuzzy with Modern Dungeon Quarterly posts. And it is the pen name I use for my erotica. The internet created feelings of protective anonymity in my generation, and I find it useful to keep.

Well, that paragraph went around in a lot of odd circles. Let’s move forward.

I’ve put together collections of my erotica from this blog, both stories and scene descriptions. Organized by subject matter, into short PDFs with a few things that were never posted here. Some were posted on Fetlife and some were published in Pill Hill Press’s erotica anthologies. I want to offer them to you, my readers, for free. You can find them on the new Erotica Collections page, where you can also make a donation if you like, or click over to HP Magcloud to purchase a printed copy. Each week I’ll post another one, until they are all up. I’ll also be putting together an anthology of all of them together which will be available next month.

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