June 24th, 2010
In college, there were times when I was in love with not-yet-Husband, and dating other men. He first proposed to me while engaged to someone else. I did not say no, not until I met her, anyway. When he proposed the second time, and I said yes, it was on the condition of monogamy. I accepted that he was flirtatious, and loving towards others, but we made an agreement that there would be no other relationships when we got married.
Two and a half years in, and we were both finding ourselves interested in other people on a level more than just flirtation. We talked about swinging, playing outside our marriage. I played with one friend, trying to keep emotions out of it, but when he decided he could not continue, I was hurt. Friends invited us to a swingers party where I was fairly wide-eyed and quiet the whole night. Then we moved.
We looked around online for potential play partners. We played with one couple, and we met another, but neither turned out well. Then we found the local kink community. I agreed that Husband could be true to his poly nature, and I would continue with the label of swinging. I was afraid of getting hurt again, swinging felt safer, it was not about love, or relationships. It was about experiences and having fun.
Then I met Lover, and Him. We started playing, in various forms, and it quickly became apparent that emotions would always be involved, that there was always risk, that the trust required for the way I wanted to play was not something to be given casually.
Husband has formed various relationships, girlfriends and play partners, looking for what he wants to add to his life. Together we explore our rules and agreements. We deal with jealousy and time management. We grow together and we follow our own paths. I love him, I am in love with him, I will love him forever and always.
I had a hard time with labels and defining relationships outside my marriage. Lover started as a play partner. Love grew between us, but in different ways. There are many kinds of love, and my love for him does not feel like the romantic, forever love of a Husband or a Boyfriend. It feels like the love of a cherished and trusted friend, a confidant. I chose the word Lover for him because I do love him, and we do play and make love, but it is a different kind of commitment that I feel for him.
Him, Rigger, Mentor, Dominant, Boyfriend. He and I have gone through many stages of our relationship. Growing closer over the last two years, taking things one step at a time. We began trying to define things around the turn of the year, or rather we tried to move forward without truly defining things, and found that it would not work anymore. After some stumbling, we defined what we had and what we wanted, and what boundaries that created for us, to keep us and our relationships safe. I love him, but more than that, I am In love with him. In the life-sharing, forever kind of way, and I am incredibly grateful that his wife is accepting of my love for him.
Compersion is an important concept in how I do poly. I love my Husband, my Lover and my Boyfriend, and because I love them, I want to see them happy. Their other partners bring love and happiness to their lives, so I am happy for them, and those relationships. I do not always want the details about how their other partners are making them happy, but sometimes it is fun to share the excitement and experiences, and it is definitely fun to share the energy created by those experiences. Jealousy still crops up, and relationships are not always happy, but over all, I know that love is not divided between us, it grows and expands to include everyone in our lives.
Polyamory has been a quite a journey, and I am still exploring the path.
June 17th, 2010
He was the first one in the community to invite us into his home, into his dungeon. He hosted my first kinky birthday party. He was the first one to use a violet wand on me. He was warm and friendly, welcoming and caring. He made us feel at home in this new world we had discovered just around the corner. He introduced us to so many people and experiences. We were welcome in his home any time on any day. He was not just friend, but family.
My heart goes out to the one he left behind, she is every bit as wonderful as he was, the other half that made his household whole.
A great man has gone from us, but he will live on in our hearts and minds, and in all he gave to this world. We will miss him and we will remember him and we will celebrate his life.
November 25th, 2009
It is that time of year, here in this part of the world, to give thanks for, well, everything. Gratitude is an incredible force in my life. I have been given the opportunity to do, be and explore so much in my life, especially over the last year and a half. I often joke about thanking certain people for “getting me into this” or pointing me down this road or showing me just how good it feels. This week, however, I am making it a point to honestly thank those people who have enabled me to live this life. There are a lot of people who helped me get this far, and who constantly encourage me to keep going. There are also people that I am grateful to, who have no idea where their support and teaching has allowed me to go. I thank them to, though more quietly and tactfully.
I am grateful to my husband for taking this journey with me. I am grateful to the one who took us to our first demonstration. I am grateful to the one who invited us to our first poly meeting. I am grateful to the one who invited us to our first dungeon and hosted my first kinky birthday celebration. I am grateful to the one who took me to my first Practice. I am grateful to the one who taught me the love of rope and the joy of suspension. I am grateful to the one who showed me how beautiful I am. I am grateful to those who welcomed us into this community. I am grateful to those who have brought love into my family. I am grateful to those who have taught me about myself. I am grateful to those who have accepted who I am. I am grateful to those who have listened and those who have offered advice. I am grateful to live in a time and a place where I can live my life however I chose.
Thank you for reading my blog.
November 18th, 2009
I go to Practice every week, for the crew I’m on. We practice our craft for the weekend shows. We go to reconnect with each other, to talk and play and share together. We go to teach the newer members, as well as the guests. We go because we are always learning, always finding something new, always have room to improve.
We practice flogging against the wall, against the cross and on each other. We do electric scenes, checking the wands and trying out the toys. We practice our brand of fire play, training on all three stations. We don’t have the space for much suspension practice currently, but once in a while we get that, too.
But, for crew, practice isn’t enough. The skills are there, we learn what to do. But our weekends are full of strangers, with different reactions, different bodies, different needs, wants and desires. For us to “perfect” our craft, we need more than just our Practice night. We need to work with all sorts of different people, under the low lights and loud music. We need to deal with drunk, sober, shy and loud. What we do is very different, and very unique. It takes more than swinging a flogger or firing up a violet wand.
For me, it also takes a desire to serve and to share. I could just attend practices, and have time with them and do what I want to do. I could just be another attendee and sign up on the lists. I volunteer for crew to share the experience. To provide others the opportunity to learn and do what they might not have a chance to do otherwise. It fills a need in me to give back, to contribute to the community. Just going to Practice is no longer enough for me. I want more.
September 10th, 2009
I am between two conventions(thus the late post this week), and public play is on my mind. I have very different reactions to public play depending on the public. The different types of public for me are: play parties, conventions/large events, and playing among friends. I react differently in these situations, and differently depending on who wants to play with me in these situations.
At play parties, defined by me as a party thrown in a private home by a lifestyle group in the community, I am hesitant to play. I tend to know about half the people there, at least by face, and mostly by name. But it’s that Almost familiarity that is the sticking point, and the closeness of the space. By default, people are close to any scene being done, talking about it, watching closely, or even, occasionally invading the scene purposefully or accidentally. This makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I don’t like playing out, I don’t like including random people in my scenes. That is not to say I will not scene at such a party, it just takes more from my partner. More of a power exchange, more taking control from me, to put me in a space where I can forget my worries and Be with them.
Larger events put a different face on things. There is more anonymity, more space, and more protocol. People are far more mindful of staying out of scenes, and are far less likely to accidentally intrude. I happily play at these events, not minding those that watch from a distance, or grin at me afterwards. I still do not play out, though there may be some minor playfulness outside the dungeon with those other than my partners. The energy of such an event just lends itself to friendliness and play.
Playing among friends, which I do on a weekly basis, sometimes more, is another matter entirely. It may seem like a miniature play party, but it is so much more than that. We are family, we trust each other and we have our own rules. We protect each other, and look out for each other, whether we’re playing in private or public. We also have a hierarchy, we play differently with different members of the group. Everyone knows where they stand, what they can do and where the lines are. When lines change, or need to change, we talk it out, and things stay clear. The only place I feel safer is in the arms of my partners.