Energy

May 1st, 2016

I meant to post a thing about energy. Been meaning to since Wednesday night. I even meant to have a conversation about it this weekend. But I’ve just been so busy/exhausted. Irony, oh how I love you. So, let’s get this going.

Wednesday night, we had a class entitled: Sacred Touch. Every fall, at COPE, there is a space called: The Scarlet Sanctuary. Both were about a practice of sensual, but not sexual, touch between (usually) two givers and one receiver. The receiver lies on a (massage) table, face up. The givers proceed with light touch all over the body of the receiver. There is negotiation first, and removal of whatever clothing the receiver wishes. The idea, as I understood it being explained this week, is that with four hands on one’s body, the brain cannot process it all and it can put the receiver into a floaty or subspace kind of zone. The experience is different for everyone involved, every time it occurs, I am told. This week was the first time I experienced it.

I have said that I’m not a very “woo” person, but this may be inaccurate. I have faith in a God above, and to some, that’s a very “woo” thing. I believe in personal energy, and that can be a very “woo” thing. I’m not into the seeing auras, and reading futures, because that’s not part of my personal life. But I do feel energy, sometimes to an extreme. I do enjoy the energy circle created by sex or by scenes. I do, on occasion, worry that my energy is too needy, or that I’m in danger of being an energy vampire when I’m sad, lonely, or upset. Other times, I am repulse by the energy of others, or overwhelmed by the energy of a large group or gathering.

Because of these latter two, I often keep my energy bubble in tight. I stay inside myself. I exhibit the usual closed body language – arms and legs crossed, curled in upon myself. Afraid to let it go. Afraid to mix my energy with others. Even those I love, for fear of being a drain on them and their energy. In some situations, they pull me out of, or crack my shell. When he and I have intense scenes, or he sends me flying, my bubble bursts wide open. When my new lover and I have sex, he peels away the outer layer and our energies flow together. But after, I always put myself back together, zip it back up, keep it tight.

So, I wanted to try this sacred touch, this opening up, this letting go with people whose goal it is to not just let me, but to make a space for it, for the mingling and releasing of energies. Three people were leading tables, with each guiding a new volunteer with each scene, so people could try out giving as well as receiving. I requested the leader that is a dear friend of mine, but not one I’d ever scened with, other than helping him tease her. I didn’t know the other two leaders, except by face, and I trust her. The volunteer giver was someone I knew by face, but not much beyond, but that was unimportant, I felt I could let go with her there.

After negotiations, she helped me peel down (part of the service) to bra and panties, and they both helped me onto the table. It started slow, just feeling out my skin, as I told myself to relax, to release my shoulders, to just give in. An odd chime sounded as part of the music, sounding like the chime used to end meditation at the Open Sangha and I laughed to myself and dropped back down into the music and touch. I repeated to myself over and over: “It’s okay, it’s ____, just let go” until I believed it.

Tears dripped out of my eyes and down my cheeks, as I let go of stress and balled up energy. She held my head, wiped away a tear or two, touched my forehead. Reassuring. More tears fell, not hard, just a trickle out of my eyes as stress left my chest. And their hands kept running over my skin. The trickle stopped, for the most part, and I started vibrating. I do this in scenes sometimes, sensation breaks me open, and I just start shaking with the energy. I laughed a little bit, trying to breathe it out, as the session came to an end. Just take your time, she told me, and I nodded, still shaking.

After a few moments, I took their hands and sat up, shivering more than shaking now. Breathing deeply to settle myself back down. I thanked them both as I settled back into my body. Cold now, so she helped me back into my clothes, and when I returned to my seat, I grabbed my jacket, too.

It was an oddly peaceful feeling, when it was all done and the final ceremony to release the gathered extra energy was done. I felt, not empty, but calmed. As though my energy had been smoothed out, like released muscles after a good massage. He commented that I was extra quiet when I dropped by to return the gear afterwards. I was floating, I told him. It was like floating, in a clear, calm pool.

I went into my weekend up north with much more calm than I usually do, eager to be going, certainly, but without the desperate need I have been feeling, to escape from the stresses of home. It was nice to be there, in a calmer state than usual, and left me better able to be supportive of him. Doing my best to keep that calm state for the coming week, with a local convention where another group I’m involved in will be running parties.

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Happy, Peaceful, Content

November 10th, 2011

This is a good week. With his help, I was able to follow him out of the swirling chaos and realize that’s just what it was. Chaos caused by going in circles and trying to throw everything together at once. Stepping back, realizing that just because there are new things, doesn’t mean they have to disrupt everything. We can still have everything we already had, we can even focus on making what we have better. Nothing is being lost, and there is a lot to gain.

So, when I sat down to blog today, I didn’t know what to write about. He asked what’s on my mind. I said peace, contentment. So, write about that. It is really true. After the last few weeks, just sitting here, happy and content feels wonderful. We’ve had a good week, starting with good discussions, a fun contract night, more open discussions, an amusing knife-play class, and I got to be a demo bottom for a very long flogging lesson, spiced up with a dragon tail and a couple big plastic clamps. I didn’t last very long in those – damn mother nature and over-sensitive nipples – but I did communicate clearly when I needed to stop. It frustrates me when I can’t breathe through pain, but I have even less luck with it while standing. The flogging, however, was very nice. Her first time, and not bad at all. On the third song of sticking with the rhythm and very few poor shots, I got a bit spacey. Fortunately, the tells are second-nature reactions to bad shots, so I don’t have to concentrate all that hard to give them. And then cuddles and home for dinner, explosions and a warm bed I didn’t have to get out of until after the sun was well up.

It just feels so good to have the calm, quiet contentment return. There are still fears, everyone has fears, but we can talk about them, all, together. We can lean on each other, we can accept that fears don’t make truth, and that going forward is the only way to find out, to live life, and to have everything we ever dreamed of. This is an awesome adventure we’ve embarked on, and I am eager to see where it leads next. And if I trip and fall, well, what’s a skinned knee to a masochist? I’ve got plenty of loving hands to help me back up.

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The Quiet Place

January 13th, 2010

I’ve found the quiet place. Found the calm in the storm. Found focus inside myself while my body is beaten or tied. I am not ignoring those things, rather they help me. They give me a tighter focus, bring me into my body and mind, make the rest of the world go away.

This is an interesting place for me. Usually, I go into a scene, and it takes me high in one way or another – full of energy, passion, sensation, joy. This is different. This is beyond that. Taking all that in, letting all that flow through, and going further. It’s different than when a scene takes me to submission or surrender.  This is a scene taking me to personal peace. Where stress no longer has voice or reason, but is just there and can slide away.

Granted, that is not often the goal. But it is an incredible discovery for me to know that I can get there. I am very grateful. I have not learned to meditate yet, but I’m told one can achieve a similar state.

I have, unknowingly tried to do this before, knowing instinctively what I needed, and almost getting there. But it was not until recently that I was able to let go fully enough to find the quietness and peace.

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