Asking for Help

November 14th, 2016

I wrote this weekend, but mostly about the weekend. About shopping with my Mom. Car troubles. Money things. Insurance things. And the feeling of being an “adult.” Not really things that belong up here.

But I also wrote a bit about Asking for Help. Earlier this month, I talked about asking for what you need/want/desire. And the vulnerability therein. Asking for help is different. The vulnerability isn’t just in admitting what it is that you want. Asking for help means admitting that you cannot do a thing yourself. It can open you up to derision, insults, or pity. That last may not seem bad, but no one really wants to be pitied.

However, it can also open you up to the love and caring of your friends and family. It can bring you opportunities you never would have had otherwise. You might get the chance to help someone else in return. It can also open you up to a new way, or a better way, of doing things. From asking for help, you might actually learn something new.

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Asking

November 6th, 2016

There are a lot of platitudes in relationships about communication – especially if you happen to be in poly relationships. But, let me go ahead a list a few – The most important thing in a relationship is communication, Communication is the key, S(he) cannot read your mind – you have to tell Her/Him, You have to Ask for what you want. And they are all true, to a point.

I’d argue that the most important thing in a relationship is trust, that without trust, you have nothing to talk about. I’d argue that, after you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, while they still can’t read your mind, there are something things they should know or remember, that you shouldn’t have to keep telling them. But, I don’t argue that you have to ask for what you want, though I concede, most strongly, that this can be Very Hard.

Because asking for what you want makes you vulnerable. Opens yourself up for pain and/or rejection. But it also opens you up for joy and compassion. Asking for what you want can be very scary. What if the answer is no? What if they think it’s crazy you even asked? What if the answer isn’t just no, but never? What if they say yes, but don’t really mean it? What if they say yes, but then it never happens? Or sometimes, the scariest question is, what if they say Yes?

Let’s face it folks, loving anyone makes you vulnerable. And if you can’t be vulnerable with the people you love, who else is there?

Doubt and uncertainty, for me at least, are far worse monsters in my head, than vulnerability. Do I ask for everything I want? Of course not, I’m not perfect, far from it. But do I try? Do I ask for what I want and need? As often as I can. Do I ask for what I desire? Far less often, but I’m working on it.

My biggest trouble with asking for what I need/want/desire, is that I often haven’t taken the time to sit down and figure out what that is. That’s what I’m trying to work on with all this writing. Getting my head in order, so I can get my heart, my life, in order. Really suss out where I am, and where I’m going, and where I want to be.

Generally, I state my relationship needs as: Attention, Appreciation, Affection. I need him to give me his attention, meaning spending time with me, paying attention to me. I need to be appreciated, as a person and a partner. I need to feel his love for me through hugs, kisses, snuggles. My relationship wants vary between partners, and are generally extensions of my needs, but more specific things. And these are the things I need to nail down better, but I generally feel like they are being mostly met. Desires are generally more fleeting – scenes or play, dinners or dates, events or experiences.

Desires were once described to me as “the cherry on top” things. And are thus, the most difficult for me to ask for. These are the extras, the special things, the “rewards.” And I often let myself feel like I don’t “deserve” them. Or I’m silly for desiring them. Or there are more important things going on than worrying about some frivolous idea I had. Or that I’m being selfish to ask for something for myself. I’m supposed to be serving him, after all.

::Shakes head::

That’s a lovely spiral, and one that needs broken. It isn’t about “deserving,” and it never has been. The people I’m with, that choose to spend their time with me, want me to be happy. They want be able to give me those little things that will make me feel cherished, and they can’t do that unless they know what they are.

Ask.

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Speaking Desire

March 12th, 2015

I should be sleeping, but brain is running and guts are being obnoxious. I’ve been meaning to post about desire this week. I posted a link to an article about it yesterday. Not just desire, but expressing desire. Out Loud. With Words.

I’ve posted many times about sexual shyness. This post isn’t about that. It’s about the words. It’s about asking for things. It’s about learning to speak, all over again.

I’ve gotten a lot better these past five years. Gods know he’s challenging me more and more to ask for things. I get frustrated sometimes. When did we have to start planning out scenes ahead of time? But his plate is so full of All The Things. Stress levels are high, and if I can reduce that by asking for things. By being specific. I damn well better do that. For him. For us. For me.

I’ve got a new relationship brewing. And this one finds my blushing adorable. This one finds it very entertaining to get me going, then stop and ask More? What now? What do you want? What would you like? And watch me blush and hide my face while trying to form words in answer.

I told him recently that I’m more used to accepting what’s offered than asking for more. I am afraid of being viewed as pushy or needy. But this relationship is challenging that. Given our schedules, and my only getting mine a week ahead of time, I have to ask to see him when I have days off. And not just to see him, but I have to ask to come to his. This goes totally against my ingrained programming to not invite myself over to someone else’s home. If I want to see him, this is what I have to do, for now. It is possible for him to come see me, just trickier. It has happened, in a manner of speaking, and will happen again at some point.

But this helps me. It helps me know that asking is okay. Every yes makes me more comfortable. Gives me more confidence when he asks the questions that make me blush. Helps me know that I am wanted, and that it is okay to ask for what I want. Even if some of them are no, it is teaching us to communicate with each other. Creating a safe space for that communication.

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