The Gift of Fear is Action

November 10th, 2016

I still need to listen to the book again, but I want to talk about fear today. Fear is a useful feeling, it is a survival mechanism. It tells us when there is danger. It tells us to lift our head and look around, like a deer scenting a predator. It tells us when something is wrong. But what it doesn’t tell us, is to stand still.

There is a lot of fear in the country right now, in the world. One both sides of the fence. The right fearing the left. The left fearing the right. The election didn’t really change these fears, they were already present. It just shone a brighter light on it, and gave greater power to the side that myself, my friends, and my family fear the most.

We cannot, however, let that fear paralyze us. We cannot let that fear turn to hate and destruction. We need to work harder, we need to find better solutions, we need to support our friends and family.

I am a white, straight, middle-class, woman. I have fears, but they are nothing compared to the fears of my friends of color, my LGBT friends, my Muslim coworkers. These people are afraid for their lives, on top of all the other fears. Again, they had these fears before the election, but racism and homophobia have been given a louder voice, and stronger support now.

We must all work against this. We must all stand with our friends and family. We must not let fear and anger lead. We must not let it win. Fear is a motivator, but it is action that must prevail. Love one another, be good to one another, work together towards safety and security for all.

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Fantastical Musings

July 8th, 2013

After creating a long involved fantasy for a couple week of bedtime stories, I began to wonder why I fantasize like I do. Why, in this particular case, the Me character was a brawler, a girl who could and would fight to defend herself. And why the He character forbid her from doing so, forbid others from fighting with her, and punished her for breaking his decree. I mean, some of it is obvious, I am turned on by the power exchange that such a decree and punishment entails. But why fighting? Even as a child, I’d imagine being trained by the TMNT.

It is, as most fantasies are, the desire to be other than I am. To be physically strong and dexterous and skilled at fighting. I played soccer fairly well, was terrible at baseball, barely passable at volleyball. I was an outdoorsy kid, but never very strong. I always lost wrestling matches. Fighting in grade school wasn’t much beyond kicking shins(to this day, I cannot fathom purposefully hitting a guy in the balls*), or shoving someone to the ground. We certainly didn’t get into fist fights. Then RA hit, and I felt even weaker, even more vulnerable. I was always intrigued by martial arts, but never enough to take classes for more than a month or two (Tai Chi lasted longer, but the study I did was not focused on practical use). So, I fantasize about being a girl who not only can fight, but is particularly good at it. Enough so, that to protect others, I am banned from and punished for fighting.

What about the other main fantasy? The naughty coed fantasies. Of course there’s the school girl aspect, and the spanking, but what about the character? The Me character is always very sexually forward. She is not shy about seducing the professor, telling him exactly what she wants, or exactly what she’ll do for him. For all that I’ve grown and learned in my sexual and kinky life, I am still quite shy about my sexual desires, and expressing them verbally. I still blush and mumble and drop my eyes. So, I fantasize about the girl who can look a man straight in the eyes and tell him that if he would put her over his knee and spank her, that she would gladly have sex with him, or she would kneel under his desk and blow him. She is not embarrassed by her sexuality.

Other fantasies are similar – seduction and the willingness to be seduced, not feeling hesitant or bashful. Slave girl has been trained and is confident and skilled. Kidnap/rape fantasies – not being given the choice, being forced to do whatever I’m told or suffer worse. Action and confidence instead of hesitation, shame, doubt, and inaction.

 

(*The guys were my friends, friends don’t kick other friends in the tender bits. I was scolded the other day, when asked how I would defend myself from a guy grabbing hold of me, and I refused to ball-tag him. My answer is stomp on the top of his foot, elbow to the gut, and skull against his face. I never learned the skill of hitting a guy in the crotch. Being around the kink community, I figure it’ll either piss him off more (especially if I don’t hit square on), or he’ll like it, so why bother?)

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Emotions & Validation

August 9th, 2011

Post three of The Ethical Slut, Part Two, is about Emotions and Validation. The previous post, on Fear and Jealousy, touched on some of these things, but this post goes for all emotions, positive and negative, and on into love and validation.

“Nobody makes anybody feel anything.” (119) “See if you can write about or talk to your friend about your feelings without blaming anybody.” (145) This is one of the hardest things for some people to accept. In a culture of lawsuits over spilled coffee, personal responsibility is all too uncommon. A person is responsible for their own actions (and reactions). For example, if someone spills grape juice on your favorite shirt, that is all they did. How you feel, and react, is your choice, your responsibility, not theirs. Which is also the same in reverse…

“What you are not responsible for is your lover’s emotions. You can choose to be supportive… but it is not your job to fix anything.” (119) The same as your lover is not making you feel anything, you are not making them feel anything either. You cannot change someone’s feelings, or fix how they feel. You can choose to support them, and be there for them, while they do so for themselves. But they have to do the work (as you have to do your own).

“Asking someone to listen to your feelings is different from dropping them in his lap and leaving them there.” (121) However, you do have to be careful that when you are sharing and working through your feelings, with someone else’s support, that you don’t take advantage of that person. You should not try to make it their responsibility to fix how you feel, or take care of your emotions. Nor let someone do that to you. Don’t dump your problems and emotions on someone else and expect them to fix it.

“We need to make the ethical commitment to own our stuff, and to let you own yours.” (178) This quote sums all the above up nice and neat. Own your own stuff, and let your partners’ own theirs. Support each other, love each other, but remember to be responsible for your own emotions, actions and reactions. And always, ask for help when you need it, for support, for understanding, just don’t expect someone else to fix you.

“You need to get clear that you deserve love and nurturance and warmth and sex.” (126) “You get to have all the comfort and reassurance you want.” (183) Self-esteem is a problem, there are so many attacks against our self-esteem in the world, that sometimes we feel unworthy, or undeserving. Of love, attention, comfort and reassurance. Sometimes we feel that we shouldn’t need reassurance, because that means we’re doubting, and how dare we have doubt, what kind of person are we to have doubt? Surely we don’t deserve love if we’re doubting. Ah, such a trap we lay for ourselves. Vicious little circles. We are human, we are imperfect, but we all deserve love, nurturance, warmth, intimacy, comfort and reassurance. Having a bad day, feeling down, feeling insecure does not negate these things, in any way.

“We are all human, we are all vulnerable, and we all need validation.” (151) “Make a list of everything you value about your relationship.” (150) I put these two together because validation can come from different sources. It doesn’t have to come directly from your partner. It can come from a picture on the shelf, it can come from happy memories, it can come from a list of wonderful things about your relationship. And yes, sometimes we need it to come from our partner. We all are vulnerable and scared sometimes, and need to hear ‘I love you’ or ‘I want you’ or ‘I need you.’ Sometimes, all it takes is a hug, but we all need validation sometimes.

“The real test of love is when a person – including you – can know your weaknesses, your stupidities and your smallness, and still love you.” (141) “Intimacy is based on shared vulnerability.” (173) We are all human. We have our faults, our strengths, our weaknesses and our foibles. We are all vulnerable, and in that vulnerability, we find each other. We find love and closeness. We find a link to each other. Love sees and accepts all that we are. It isn’t about overlooking the negative, but acknowledging it. Blindness helps no one, acceptance and understanding keeps love strong.

“He’s here because he wants to be, wherever “here” is. We are with each other, every day, because we really want to be.” (124) I left this quote for last, even though it’s quite early in the chapter, because this is one of the most important things for me to remember. Relationships are an active choice. We have chosen to be together, we have chosen to stay together. Every day, we choose to continue the relationship. There are bumps and blips and roadblocks, but every day the relationship continues, it is an active choice by the people in that relationship. If that’s not validation, I don’t know what is.

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Reflection

May 20th, 2010

These last few weeks, I have not done justice to myself, my partners, or to you, my readers. Last week’s post was the best of the bunch, a description of a wonderful scene. But what has been going on? What’s been happening along my journey? What were those cryptic and scattered posts about? And what ever happened to those needles? Let me begin by acknowledging my failures and then discussing them.

Firstly, when I brought him the needles, I did not beg for him to put them in me. I had been told to do this, and I had agreed to do this, but I did not. Since realizing that failure, I have only begged for the needles twice in person and once on IM. Other failures and issues have come up, and I do want the needles and we have talked about them here and there, but I find myself putting aside this want while I work on other things. It is important to me, but I continue to give other issues priority.

My second failure was letting fear and uncertainty keep me from going into object space. I was not initiating it and when he tried, I was putting him off with some form of ‘not yet’ and then not going back to it myself. Since acknowledging this failure, I had two evenings when I began initiating but did not follow through, one evening when I followed through and only slipped up once, and one evening when I followed through for a majority of the evening, but then let outside influences disrupt my focus.

I also had last week’s scene where he put me into object space for the majority of the scene. I felt very grateful that he was willing to take me there again. Within the scene, it was also a very helpful anchor for processing as he had taken away my anchors of sight and touch. The focus that it created put me in a mindset of being an object for his pleasure and his use and allowed me to not just endure, but enjoy the pain, the fear, the tears and the relinquishing of control.

My third failure involved acting like a spoiled little child. I did not just question his decisions, I flat out told him no. I whined that I was learning and and that I was doing what he asked, all the while, doing the exact opposite by the very objections and fight I was putting up. I let my initial confusion turn into fear and doubt instead of being clear and accepting and communicative. I was so far into myself that I could not even see what I was doing. He took the time, once again to hold up a mirror and shine a bright light on it until I could see. He gave me back the paragraphs I had copied for him about being looking beyond imperfection, being happy, working hard, doing without question, being intelligent, helpful, serving and not letting fear and doubt get in my way. I had failed to do any of these things, and I was to keep the papers until I could actually live up to them.

The previous day we had a scene which had me kneeling for forty-five minutes, fifteen longer than I had ever previously done. It began with begging for the needles, and ended with the only thought in my head being that I could not get up until he told me I could. I had given over all my wants and needs to that one single thought, that one want – to please him at the expense of all else, by staying on my knees. It was quite a delicious scene, to let go that fully – freeing, and cathartic as I cried for the last ten minutes of it. He ended it by lifting me off the ground and onto the couch, covering me with a blanket and bringing me water. Our time was limited that day, but he made the most of it, for us both.

The next day, he had concerns that I needed time to reflect on that scene. Walls were broken down and I needed time to reflect and heal stronger. He also had concern for the number of people installing programming in my head and the possible dangers in that. Conflicting programming could lead to hesitation and doubt. Two people pushing the same button could take things further than intended if they did not know what the other was doing or thinking. This led to more communication with all my partners about wants and needs. Defining boundaries more clearly for all involved.

My fourth failure was being presumptuous and selfish and in a hurry. I tried to give back the paragraphs. I tried to play the I’m learning card again, forgetting that what he was asking of me was not just learning, but doing – putting the learning into action. And putting it into action consistently, not just for a few days. Giving the papers back was not ‘the next step’ it was four or five steps further along my path. I had only just begun putting my lessons into action, and in fact, just two days before, I let others ruin my focus and keep me from doing what I wanted.

I spent this conversation on my knees, where I had gone to offer the papers. He kept me there until I answered his questions. I stayed there because I had put myself there, offered that submission to him, and it was his until he was done with it. I did ask to get up once and accepted his denial. At the end, he set a timer for five minutes and told me to think about how not to end up there again, not on my knees, but having failed in that way again. He would burn the papers the next time, if we both did not agree I had lived up to them. I do not know how long I was on my knees that time, over thirty minutes I know, but beyond that it did not matter. I focused on what I had done and why, and on putting learning into action. When the timer went off, he asked me if I needed to get up. I said yes, and he told me to stand. I forced myself up onto completely numb feet, using the table for support. Looking into his eyes, and using my drive to do ask he asked as motivation, I was able to stay upright while circulation returned. Determination and motivation are wonderful tools.

My fifth failure was lack of focus and attention. I had some trouble assisting with suspensions last weekend. I had not been keeping up my tying practice. I did not read situations as quickly and as well as I should have been able to. I did not keep my eyes moving between all the participants of the scene. I am grateful that he was able to communicate with me about these situations and explain to me more clearly his expectations. We had five good suspensions each night, and the patrons all enjoyed their flights and are eager for more. I have since practiced my ties, and have a clearer idea of my responsibilities in our scenes. I expect further insight on this topic once we have both had time to reflect and discuss.

So, where does all this put me now? I am learning and growing and doing. I am making mistakes, I am failing, but I am still moving forward, albeit sometimes with tiny steps. I am lucky to have him holding my hand and guiding me – showing me the path when I lose sight of it or get turned around. Our love and trust for each other keeps us together, and enables us to overcome challenges, failures and miscommunications. The image of a feudal system just came to mind: I serve him and he keeps me safe. Sometimes, he asks more of me than I think I can give, but his belief in me moves me to go beyond my own expectations and push harder and reach further than I thought possible. I have a wonderful life, wonderful partners and I am learning and growing and doing more than I ever imagined was possible.

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Do It

April 29th, 2010

Lift up your chin. Look in his eyes.
Speak clearly what’s on your mind.
To him.

Shut off the chatter. Keep your mind focused.
Doubt and fear have no place here.
With him.

Happiness is everywhere. Open your eyes.
Imperfections only make it sweeter.
See him.

Serve him. Honor him.
Learn and grow. Do your best.
For him.

Poetry has never been my strong suit, but sometimes, things spill out of my head, and sometimes, I have to just let them. My lesson this week is Doing. I think too much. I over analyze. I let fear and doubt not just creep in, but overwhelm me. So, I am working on doing for him, with no more thought than required. Doing without hesitating, without waiting. Doing is always better than not doing, acting is better than inaction. Trying is better than standing still and silent. So, I’m going to post this, and then there are things I have to Do.

Until next week, readers, I leave you with the fortune cookie I had taped to my computer monitor at college: Don’t be afraid to take that big step. And a Nike commercial: Just Do It.

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