July 12th, 2012
Brain’s a bit swirly today. After vacation and some really rough conversations, I’m all over the place. But the Elust digest is a little too far away to not post something this week.
Hubby outed us to his Mom. First with rope, then the whole thing. Kept dropping hints about his DJng events until she finally had to ask what events. She did not end up bringing it up the rest of the week, so maybe reading 50 Shades of Grey did her some good. Who knows. We did not tell them about Poly, though we were open with everyone else about our lifestyle. I only felt judged once, and I’ll own that feeling as my own story creation, no way to know what was really going on in his head.
I commented last night that my German teacher in high school ingrained in my head the difference between “can’t wait” and “can hardly wait” and to this day, I can’t help but correct myself if I use the wrong one. But there are two more meanings to take into consideration. Often people say “cant’ when they mean “won’t” or when they mean “don’t want to.” All four of these phrases have different meanings, and different resolutions. If you can’t wait, then you have to go now. If you won’t wait, then you will exercise your will and go. If you don’t want to wait, you might still do it anyway, and if you can hardly wait, you usually will. It also brings to mind the phrase “If you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right.” If you keep saying you can’t do something, then you never will. Even if the truth is that you can hardly do it, or you don’t want to do it, or simply that you won’t do it. If you don’t believe in yourself, then you’ll never try. And what fun is that?
The other topic running around in my head is passivity. I am a mediator, a problem-solver. If someone comes to be with a complaint or a problem that they don’t want solved, they better be up front and clear with me that they aren’t asking for help. And they better be prepared for me to be annoyed that they don’t want to solve the problem. I’m not saying people can’t come to me with reactions, and feelings. I am sympathetic, I will listen, I will provide empathy and comfort. But I don’t like wallowing, and I won’t always agree with you. If you want my sympathy, I will give it, but I have to know that is what you’re after. If you come to me repeatedly for sympathy over the same problem, I will get annoyed at you, and ask you to stop dumping on me. I will insist you solve the problem. And no, I don’t consider wallowing in self-pity or anger because it’s your problem, not their problem, to be a solution. You have every right to be angry or sad or whatever, but I also have the right to encourage you to stop it, and find a way back to happy. I have a very positive world-view. I think happiness is a choice, and I really don’t understand people who think it isn’t. Yes, I sometimes wallow and get lost in the darkness, that’s why I surround myself with people who are good candles and mirrors. Because I need led out occasionally, too. I don’t like seeing my friends upset, and I will do everything in my power to help you, but I will find it hard to understand if you don’t want that help.
On a more positive note, I still need to get final confirmation and details worked out for featuring COPE in Modern Dungeon Quarterly. Issue Three will be out in just three weeks. I’m getting really excited for COPE. There are some vague, some solid and some ever-mutating plans in the works. And I still have no idea what I’m going to wear! It’s Steampunk themed, and I certainly don’t have anything to fit that. Though, with no club for the foreseeable future, my fun clothes won’t all feel so over-worn by September. On another clothes topic, how in the world am I going to go to Cedar Point in a skirt? Things to ponder.
July 5th, 2012
It’s a rambly day I think. I’m on vacation with hubby, back to his hometown. Back to being quiet and hiding. Not because I have to be quiet here, but because I am. Because everyone talks loudly and at length, and I mostly just listen. We’ve been gone five years, there’s a lot to say, I guess.
Hiding? Well, I’ll have to on the vacation to see my family, too. No telling the parents the truth. No mentioning my boyfriend or his girlfriend around the family, though hubby did mention rope work, and suspension to MIL, she didn’t seem sure what to make of it. She has recently read the 50 Shades books, and liked them, but “would not want that to happen to” her. I haven’t read them, but seems to me, the lady made the choice to do those things, they didn’t just “happen to” her, but I digress, and don’t actually know. Though, I feel like I ought to read them, just for blog’s sake if nothing else.
In other big news, our club has closed. So, our Saturday weekly venue is gone. That sucks, but we shall persevere, and actually get to go to community events on Saturdays for a while, not to mention it’ll make summer planning a bit easier. Looking forward to what’s next, as well, whatever it may be.
Brain’s all swirly, and dreams have been matching it. Snakes, crocodiles, non-con knife play, seduction, and electric play. In one dream, I actually told the guy who’d cut the fuck out of my back and legs and pushed me into a pool with a crocodile, that blood play was against my hard limits. Apparently I didn’t mind the hungry croc in the bottom of the pool so much as the fact he wasn’t allowed to cross my hard limits with blood.
The engineer sent me a lovely link for the 4th from FL, of a girl covered in patriotic needle play with sparklers attached to the cross she was leaning against. It was quite pretty, but like the fireworks last night, much better viewed from a distance. I was not happy about the loud explosions and showers of sparks from the drunks lighting illegal fireworks off a nearby roof. Even if none of the sparks reached the ground lit. I could hear some of the bits landing nearby. The legal show down the road was pretty, once we figured out how to see it.
Pulled together all the MDQ Issue 3 articles this week, too. So that’s off to my editor a few days early. Gotta put the photos in and everything still, but it’s nearly ready. Then it’s time to finalize the details for the fourth issue. COPE here I come.