Hate is the Mindkiller

November 11th, 2016

My Mom’s in town this weekend, going to sleep on my couch as I type this, so it’ll be short. We were at lunch, talking about the meeting she’s been attended week. The Rural Advocates of the United Methodist Church here in the Midwest. I asked her if they accomplished anything – mostly just finishing up the year’s paperwork and preparing for next year. So, nothing? She said they were mostly worried about the church splitting.

Splitting? Over the LGBT issue, she says. I posted about the General conference discussion of it a while back. She talked about how the two sides cannot “agree to disagree” on the issue. How her group did not have an issue with LGBT folks and were trying to work with them. How some parts of the church simply refuse. It’s going to come to a head, she says, in 2019, when the commission reports back.

I understand, I tell her, the desire to settle on “agreeing to disagree.” But, I say, Hate is just not okay. They don’t Hate them, she tries to tell me. Mom, I remember the “love the sinner, hate the sin” policy and I’m sorry, but “HATE” should not be anywhere in a church’s policies.

Hate is what is tearing this country apart. People fear religious zealots full of hate, but I tell you, it doesn’t take radicals or zealotry for hate to be in your religion or your church. It starts with all of us, standing up against hate, wherever we see it: in the street, on a bus, at a school. Even in church.

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The Gift of Fear is Action

November 10th, 2016

I still need to listen to the book again, but I want to talk about fear today. Fear is a useful feeling, it is a survival mechanism. It tells us when there is danger. It tells us to lift our head and look around, like a deer scenting a predator. It tells us when something is wrong. But what it doesn’t tell us, is to stand still.

There is a lot of fear in the country right now, in the world. One both sides of the fence. The right fearing the left. The left fearing the right. The election didn’t really change these fears, they were already present. It just shone a brighter light on it, and gave greater power to the side that myself, my friends, and my family fear the most.

We cannot, however, let that fear paralyze us. We cannot let that fear turn to hate and destruction. We need to work harder, we need to find better solutions, we need to support our friends and family.

I am a white, straight, middle-class, woman. I have fears, but they are nothing compared to the fears of my friends of color, my LGBT friends, my Muslim coworkers. These people are afraid for their lives, on top of all the other fears. Again, they had these fears before the election, but racism and homophobia have been given a louder voice, and stronger support now.

We must all work against this. We must all stand with our friends and family. We must not let fear and anger lead. We must not let it win. Fear is a motivator, but it is action that must prevail. Love one another, be good to one another, work together towards safety and security for all.

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Election 2016

November 9th, 2016

That’s the trouble with NaNo – not editing your work, you don’t realize the final word of a day was misspelled… and then I somehow skipped yesterday, so it’s been misspelled for nearly two days. Weee! Despite the desire to drink yesterday, Monday should have ended with everything you can dream, not dram. Awesome, Imp. Awesome.

So, yesterday was terribly disappointing. I’m currently tuned in to Tim Kaine about to introduce Hillary for her concession speech. Only .2% difference in popular vote, but a Massive difference in Electoral votes. Ugh! And Republicans keeping control of the House and Senate.

I am scared. Of what is going to happen going forward. Of who is going to end up on the Supreme Court. Of what terrible things are going to get passed. Of President-Elect Trump becoming Commander in Chief of our military forces. I am grateful that the Presidency is the least powerful branch of government, but Congress now has an aligned President. That’s what scares me the most.

Clinton encourages us to come together and move forward. To continue fighting for what is right. That the fight is always worth it. Trump began his speech with reuniting this country, as well. Though the second half of his speech seems to be thanking everyone he brought on stage with him, family, staff, and politicians. One can only hope he creates a cabinet of intelligent advisors.

The elections are over, the fight has just begun.

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Not Just a Masochist

November 7th, 2016

I’ve talked about my masochism many times before. About how it’s not just about pain, but “intense sensation.” Especially controlled, intentional, intense sensation. I’ve talked about my RA, and how that pain is unwelcome, unsexy, and uncontrolled. I’ve talked about pleasurable stimuli, as well as painful stimuli.

Sometimes, though, it doesn’t even have to be intense. Light fingertips on my skin. Warm hands stroking my body. Whispers of breath on my neck. Lube rubbed over latex clothing. Rope pulled across skin, or wrapped around limbs. I like sensations.

But not just sensations. I, like most people, am far more complex than a single kink, or even two, or three.

I like power exchange. The way he can just look and point. Or grab me by the hair. Or smack my face. And I’m there, reeling into subspace.

I like roleplay. School girl, vampire, predator/prey. Fulfilling deep hidden desires as someone, something, else.

I like sex. Teasing, toying, hands, mouths, bodies, hours long sex.

I like bondage. Take down ties, corsets and clothing, prisoner ties, eeling, transitions, suspensions, flying, experimentation, encasement. With leather, metal, ropes, saran wrap, duct tape.

I like fear. Playing with breath play, needles, stun guns, sparklers.

And many more.

Sure, some of these things have the intensity in them, too. Though, not all, not always. Sometimes it’s about relaxing, spacing out. Letting go of the “real world” and delving into yourself, or each other. Making those connections that keep us grounded, secure, and happy. Or making connections that send us soaring into the sky, if only in those moments.

There’s no reason in this world to be just one thing. Be everything you want to be, everything you can dream.

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Asking

November 6th, 2016

There are a lot of platitudes in relationships about communication – especially if you happen to be in poly relationships. But, let me go ahead a list a few – The most important thing in a relationship is communication, Communication is the key, S(he) cannot read your mind – you have to tell Her/Him, You have to Ask for what you want. And they are all true, to a point.

I’d argue that the most important thing in a relationship is trust, that without trust, you have nothing to talk about. I’d argue that, after you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, while they still can’t read your mind, there are something things they should know or remember, that you shouldn’t have to keep telling them. But, I don’t argue that you have to ask for what you want, though I concede, most strongly, that this can be Very Hard.

Because asking for what you want makes you vulnerable. Opens yourself up for pain and/or rejection. But it also opens you up for joy and compassion. Asking for what you want can be very scary. What if the answer is no? What if they think it’s crazy you even asked? What if the answer isn’t just no, but never? What if they say yes, but don’t really mean it? What if they say yes, but then it never happens? Or sometimes, the scariest question is, what if they say Yes?

Let’s face it folks, loving anyone makes you vulnerable. And if you can’t be vulnerable with the people you love, who else is there?

Doubt and uncertainty, for me at least, are far worse monsters in my head, than vulnerability. Do I ask for everything I want? Of course not, I’m not perfect, far from it. But do I try? Do I ask for what I want and need? As often as I can. Do I ask for what I desire? Far less often, but I’m working on it.

My biggest trouble with asking for what I need/want/desire, is that I often haven’t taken the time to sit down and figure out what that is. That’s what I’m trying to work on with all this writing. Getting my head in order, so I can get my heart, my life, in order. Really suss out where I am, and where I’m going, and where I want to be.

Generally, I state my relationship needs as: Attention, Appreciation, Affection. I need him to give me his attention, meaning spending time with me, paying attention to me. I need to be appreciated, as a person and a partner. I need to feel his love for me through hugs, kisses, snuggles. My relationship wants vary between partners, and are generally extensions of my needs, but more specific things. And these are the things I need to nail down better, but I generally feel like they are being mostly met. Desires are generally more fleeting – scenes or play, dinners or dates, events or experiences.

Desires were once described to me as “the cherry on top” things. And are thus, the most difficult for me to ask for. These are the extras, the special things, the “rewards.” And I often let myself feel like I don’t “deserve” them. Or I’m silly for desiring them. Or there are more important things going on than worrying about some frivolous idea I had. Or that I’m being selfish to ask for something for myself. I’m supposed to be serving him, after all.

::Shakes head::

That’s a lovely spiral, and one that needs broken. It isn’t about “deserving,” and it never has been. The people I’m with, that choose to spend their time with me, want me to be happy. They want be able to give me those little things that will make me feel cherished, and they can’t do that unless they know what they are.

Ask.

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Remember, Remember the 5th of November

November 6th, 2016

I didn’t post yesterday, because I kept falling asleep. First watching V for Vendetta, then watching The Three Musketeers. It is, however, just a few days before the elections, so I thought I’d be a bit political this morning.

HOLY SH*T (You’ve Got To Vote) from Funny Or Die

And let’s all remember, that it’s not just our new President that we’re voting for, we’ve got senators and representatives, and local government, as well as the funding of schools and other government works on the ballot. I don’t care if you hate the Presidential candidates, vote for the rest of the ballot, at least. Right now, the legislative branch is Not Doing Their Job – they are holding back even discussing the Supreme Court Nominees (and have been for EIGHT MONTHS), let alone all the other gridlock. This Cannot Continue.

Please Vote on, or before November 8th.

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Consent, Sexual Assault, and Rape Fantasies

November 4th, 2016

I’ve talked about this before, and I’m sure I’ll continue talking about it forever. I saw this article the other day: http://www.cracked.com/blog/how-men-are-trained-to-think-sexual-assault-no-big-deal/ and it was, IMHO, really well written. It talks about how the media shows male aggression as the path to love, it talks about the sexualization of women and their bodies, it talks about rapey movie heroes, and it even talks about the idea of the sin of extra-(or pre)marital sex making all sexual acts (outside a marriage) bad, regardless of consent. Honestly, this last part, is the basis of many of my school-girl fantasies – the idea of being a “naughty girl” (thanks, religious upbringing).

But let’s talk about the rest, too. The article was written about how men are trained, but women are watching the same things. We are being taught some of the same “lessons” about how relationships work. We are taught that aggressively strong men are sexy, that pushing our boundaries is what men do to get our attention and our love. We are taught that (sexual) violence is “just what men do” when they are interested in us. Either fighting each other, or pushing themselves on us, or playground bullying played off as affection. That our bodies are their rewards, but only if we’re beautiful, for whatever their definition of beautiful is. That strong men don’t ask permission, don’t ask for consent, they take.

And here’s where it gets complicated. I like that feeling – of being taken, of being prey to his predator. But here’s what’s NOT complicated – I only want to be taken by those I want to be taken by. I want them to ask for my Consent, I want them to make Me ask them, beg them. In many of those fantasies I write in my head while masturbating late at night – even my rape fantasies, when they’re longer than a quickie – the attacker makes me ask for it. I could write a few of those up, but I always find it strange to put them on paper, as though others would not understand. Because they are still rape fantasies, because forced consent is not really consent. But they’re my fantasies, dammit, they’re not real, they’re stories. Ah, cognitive dissonance. My schoolgirl fantasies, aside from the naughty part, the “teacher” always makes me ask for, or offer, the sexual favors. Always makes me say Yes, this is what I want. My partner likes to have me ask him to do things, tell him what I want. And it turns me on too – especially when I ask him to take me.

The difference between sexual assault and consensual sexual aggression is just that – Consent. Even in a relationship, even in a marriage, even in a swinger club – Consent is the difference between assault and fun. And not coerced, fearful, forced, or impaired consent. Eager, active, joyful consent.

Yes, I’d like a cup of tea now, thank you.

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Single Secondary & Finding a Primary

November 3rd, 2016

Single Secondary? A lot of folks like the Primary/Secondary wording of relationships in poly, probably just as many don’t. I use Secondary to describe myself, because the two guys I’m with both live with their other partner, share a house, finances, responsibilities, etc. with that person. Those partners are their primary concern. And Single, because I don’t have that type of partner in my life right now. But I only use those words together – Single Secondary. I am, by no means, single – and would never present myself that way to a potential partner. But, I am without a Primary/house-sharing partner.

And some days this bothers me more than others. Due to events outside my control, or when I can’t open a jar (yes, I have things to help me with that), or when I spend weekends alone (especially when I want to go to a movie, and don’t want to go alone), when I’m not feeling well/feeling stressed and just want someone to hold me. And sometimes, it doesn’t bother me at all. When I’m so busy, I don’t know when I’d fit another person into my life, when I’ve done lots of people-ing and just want Me Time, when I make a batch of Crispix Mix and just want to eat it all myself. 😉

I’ve occasionally thought about putting something in the “Looking for” section of Fetlife. But the truth is, I’m not. Not Looking. Wanting maybe, desiring yes, but not looking. Looking implies doing something to obtain, searching. About the only “searching” I’ve done for a primary lately, was curiously looking through my Facebook friends list to see if I even Knew any single guys. The answer – Very Few. And the thought of going typical routes to “find” a single guy – bars, OKC, etc. just makes me shudder.

I’m an introvert – I don’t do small talk well. It irritates me when strangers walk up and try to talk to me about nothing. I don’t know you, if you want my time, say something intelligent/interesting, otherwise why are you bothering me? Which isn’t fair, most of the time they are just trying to say Hi, I see you, I’d like to talk to you. But I’m not skilled at that kind of conversation. I don’t know how to respond to it “appropriately.” My gut reaction is usually, Hi, I see you, too, go away, I’m busy. Especially if it is at our Fet Nights.

It’s worse online – Fetmails are ridiculous if you’re a girl.  They range between, “Hey, I like your pics, we should talk” to “Yer sexy, ya wanna fuck” to wildly inappropriate descriptions of sexual acts from complete strangers to requests for fetishes that aren’t even in your profile let alone wheelhouse.  I’m not even sure anymore how many requests I’ve gotten to meet perfect strangers in a hotel room alone, because they “have an important/public job” and can’t “be seen at public kink functions” or at an airport hotel while they’re passing through town. GTFO creepers. It’s really hard to even begin conversations when they all seem to start like this. The least creepy of the messages I get tend to be from “new to the area/community” and get a response from me of a list of the local groups (with links) to come out and meet people at. None of these people, to my knowledge, have approached me at any of these public events.

So, what’s a girl to do? Mostly, I just keep being me. Keep going to the things I go to. Keep getting my life in order. Keep an open mind, and an open heart, and have fun. Looking has never gotten me anywhere, things come when they’re meant to, and desperation is never attractive. 😉

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Do you Really want me to Scream your Name?

November 2nd, 2016

I really like words. Half my fantasies start with describing sexual misbehavior, or threats, or instructions, or verbal seductions. I really like talking about what I like or want to do, despite my utter shyness in doing so, it really turns me on. But screaming his name in the throes of passion?

I see it on TV and in Movies – lovers calling out the name of their partners. It is prevalent enough to even be the basis of jokes – calling out the wrong name in the midst of passion. I’ve never done this – not called out the wrong name, but called out any Name during sex due to the intensity of passion. Due to my fetish for orgasm control, I have called out Sir or Master, in concert with begging for permission to orgasm, or to thank him for said orgasm. But I have never, while having sex, simply turned my moans or groans into his actual name.

It was a desire expressed by my sexual partner recently, during sex. Said once, and while not ignored by me, I wasn’t sure how to respond. And he did not say it more than once, and the desire was not discussed further. After, however, in the following days, my brain started tossing it around, thinking about how I felt about it. And mostly, there was confusion.

I have a thing with Names. Names have power to me. Not just the “oh, she said your full name, you must be in trouble” kind of power. I’m not sure how to express it, but to me, hearing “I love you” feels different than hearing “I love you, ____.”  Starting a sentence with my name, in any tone but casual catches my heart or tightens my stomach (depending on the tone).

On the BDSM side of things, with my boyfriend – he uses his real name as a safeword for us. A mental safeword – if I say his real name, it is stronger than a Red – something is breaking inside of me, not just on the physical plane. So, calling out a real name while playing has that baggage, too.

It was strange to me to consider calling out my sexual partner’s name in the heat of passion. He likes my moans and groans and squeaks and such. They are pure and honest reactions to what we are doing. To call out his name would take real, concentrated effort. Not that he isn’t worth that effort, but it’s something I would need to prepare my brain to do beforehand. A script to implant, code to rewrite.

So, it is a discussion to be had, and an understanding to create. If it is what he truly desires, then it is certainly something I can work on for him.

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NaNoWriMo 2016 Intro

November 2nd, 2016

I’ve been ignoring my brain, or suppressing it, for the last month, while I’ve dealt with moving, and Trauma prep, and Trauma. A lot of thoughts have popped up that I wanted to write about, but I just did not make the time. I wrote a few of them down, but not many. Later, I told myself. You have to sleep now, you have Things to DO. I let go of taking care of myself, too. Stopped doing the things I was trying to turn into habits. Stopped keeping track. Stopped printing out my calendar so I had a clear view of my month. It’s November now, it’s National Novel Writing Month. But, instead of writing a novel, I am going to commit myself to writing 50K words of my thoughts. Give my brain the care and attention it deserves, and I’m starting now – one day late, of course.

The other night, I wrote a little bit in my bedside journal, I wrote down a list of topics that were floating in my head. In less than ten minutes, I wrote over thirty topics/keywords. Apparently, there’s a lot on my mind:

  • Insecurity
  • Gift of Fear
  • Single Secondary
  • Attraction
  • Communication is Scary
  • Consent
  • Whisper words of love – do you Really want me to scream your name?
  • I’m not Just a Masochist
  • Hard Limits
  • Female Cuckolding (Cuckquean, apparently)
  • Boundaries
  • The Future
  • Finding a Primary
  • Whipping Post
  • Floating
  • Skin time
  • Filling my cup
  • Being Social
  • Family
  • Prey/Capture/Rape
  • New Experiences
  • Asking
  • Asking for Help
  • Self-Image
  • Art
  • Clinginess
  • Uncertainty
  • Expectations
  • Needs/Wants/Desires
  • Private time
  • Fantasies
  • Realities
  • Sexual Freedom

I am recording this list here in case I try to tell myself that I don’t have anything more to write about, or if I think I’ve run out of ideas. There has been a lot on my mind, and I’ve got to pull it out so that it doesn’t fester, ferment, and explode. I’m sure this list isn’t even a complete one, but it is a place to start. I’m going to try and post my writings on all of these topics, give my blog some fresh flowing blood. I used to not worry so much about my own privacy when I posted, but I’ve gotten more and more self-conscious over the years, knowing that more and more people are able to read it, people I know. I’ll try to let go of that again, at least of this month, let the words and self-reflection flow freely. This is just the introduction, the explanation. There will be meat and blood soon.

I used to hand-write everything, especially longer pieces that I intended to put serious work into, but the whole point of NaNoWriMo is to write without judgement, without editing, just write. And in doing it by hand, I could do that, but if I want to share it, want to hold myself accountable via the blog, I would then have to type it up, taking twice the time, and I would definitely do some editing, cleaning, and changing in that typing. So, instead, I am crafting directly on the computer, fingers flying nearly as fast as my thoughts, with no time to change or censor my thoughts. I will be brave and I will write from the heart, and I will share it with you, my dear readers.

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