Kushiel’s Dart Meets Aldonza

January 18th, 2015

A lot of things going through my head lately, and this weekend was no exception. I’m about halfway through a book called Kushiel’s Dart by Jacqueline Carey. The main character, Phedre, is a masochist of exquisite talent. Raised first in the Night Court, where the brothels each had their own specialty and vied for power like any group of noble houses. Then, second, by a bard who trained her as a spy. I’m not one for political fantasy, I didn’t make it past the first Game of Thrones book, but I do like fantasy spies, bards, and rogues. And the BDSM flavor of the main character kept my interest.

The last hundred pages or so, that I’ve read thus far, is where the focus of this post lies. In the beginning of the book, she serves the clients she chooses, now she is forced to serve her captor. And, while in the Beauty trilogy (I’ve only read the first), this type of situation bothered me, it was a different situation and style of writing. Phedre is aroused by the humiliation of being his slave, and by being roughly used by him. The curse of Kushiel’s Dart, which made her such a special commodity in her previous life, now is her survival. The treatment which could have broken other women, she physically enjoys. Though, she feels betrayed by her body for her enjoyment of it. I feel that it serves to keep her alive and fighting.

I am in no such situation, but it is very interesting to me to identify with a character’s sexual identity so clearly. My best childhood friend told me I should read this book a very long time ago. Sometimes, I wonder if she really understands me, but reading this, I feel like maybe she understands far better than I realized. Or maybe she just thought it would speak to my interests. Either way, I must remember to thank her.

What does this have to do with Aldonza? The quote that comes to mind is: “Blows and abuse I can take and give back again, Tenderness I cannot bear” ~Aldonza, Man of La Mancha. It is not that I cannot bear tenderness, fortunately. I do, however, become far more shy, and awkward about the more tender and traditionally intimate side of my desires. Honestly, I’m far more okay with asking someone to beat me, because that seems a much easier yes or no question. Asking someone for more intimacy, has so much more attached to it. Phedre thinks nothing of going to a client for brutal scenes, but her love for her patron is far harder for her to deal with She is trained well as a spy, but when the woman who can arouse her with a look puts a collar around her neck, she can concentrate on no other person the rest of the night.



December 28th, 2014

I’m 34 years old and I’ve just realized something new about myself. And I’ve always had a particularly odd kidnap fantasy. But I never really thought about it. A guy once told me it wasn’t sexual enough, or some such thing. And I shrugged, to each his own, but I still didn’t think about it. Yeah, I like the kidnap thing, the capture and bound thing. The stockholm syndrome thing. The rapey bits, too.

But there is something else about it, that I think is odd. Perhaps it isn’t, I don’t know, I don’t really talk to other girls about their fantasies. But I was running it in my head again this weekend. And a lightbulb went off, as my brain went back to my post about Titanic. I said it was the drawing scene that got me, but I didn’t really explain. At the time, I just thought, ya know, it’s really sexy to pose naked for an artist to draw, especially if you’re attracted to that artist. It’s a small scale power exchange.

But this weekend, I began to think on it more. My kidnap fantasies always include being forced to pose for a camera – pictures or video that the kidnappers are assumedly putting on the internet. Now, in the past, I have stopped working with a photographer whose aim was a pay to view site, not wanting to be a “porn star” and have rejected offers to be on clips for sale sites. But this fantasy, it’s about being forced, about the power being taken away from me.

I have always had the school girl fantasies, being told I’m a naughty girl and ought to be punished turns me on. So, I think this plays into that, too. Doing something naughty, dirty, and being forced to do it, under threat of violence. I long ago stopped trying to answer people asking, why do you like that, if they cannot understand. The simple answer is, because it turns me on.


The Sensual Body

December 28th, 2014

Let’s start at the top. Massage my head, run your fingers through my hair. Pull my hair, curl your fingers in it tight at the back of my skull. Kiss my forehead, rub my temples. Kiss my closed eyelids. Stare into my eyes. Butterfly kisses. Kiss the tip of my nose. Eskimo kisses. Stroke my cheek with a gentle hand, or your fingers tips. Kiss me. Run a fingertip over my lips, or your tongue, or your teeth. Kiss up my jaw to my ear. Kiss, lick, or nibble my earlobe. Down to my throat, fingers, tongue, teeth, lips. Kiss me, bite me, massage away the tension in my neck and shoulders. All the way down my back, strong hands, light fingers, soft kisses, scratching nails.

Around to the front, kiss every inch of me. Stroke my chest, fondle, squeeze my breasts. Kiss, suck, nibble, bite, pinch my nipples. Kiss my belly, run your fingertips over it lightly, tickle me mercilessly. Slide your hands around my hips. Stroke, grab, pinch, smack my ass. Run your hands down my thighs, and back up. Cover them with kisses, pinches, and teeth. My calves are so tender, run fingertips down them lightly, strong hands to massage the tension out. Strong grip and teeth will bring exquisite pain, kiss them tenderly. My feet so ticklish, welcoming deep massage and light teases, kisses and teeth.

Back up to the center, carefully trimmed, occasionally waxed, never shaven. Light touch, or hard, hands, fingers, tongue, teeth, or cock. Clit so sensitive and eager. Rub, tease, kiss, suck. I am open, wet, ready.


e[lust] #62

September 16th, 2014

Photo courtesy of Bawdy Bloke

Welcome to Elust #62

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #63? Start with the rules, come back October1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Sex Blogger Life: Real Talk

Selfies, Shame and Safety

‘Dress me like a slut and punish my cock’

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

I live in a sex-positive bubble.

Wicked Wednesday: Silent Memories


~ Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
Are you guilty of slut-shaming sex doll lovers?

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!


Writing About Writing

Why can’t I write gay erotica?!
Cream doesn’t rise: the state of UK erotica
Coming clean about writing dirty…
The Big Book of Submission: 69 Kinky Tales

Erotic Non-Fiction

I’ve Collared Myself a Human Pony
Strapped Back In
View From The Bridal Suite
It’s a date (2/2)
Your Tears Make Me Wet.
Spanking – the ultimate mood changer

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Yes, I am a slut. So?
M feels that labeling myself “gay” erases him
“Appearance Not Important”
Traditional sexual consent vs bdsm consent
Bigger Doesn’t Mean Better!
All in One Person: Thoughts on Non-Monogamy
I Lust, Therefore I Am
Buddhism and Poly
The Great Outdoors
My Love Is Not About You #SameSexCouples
Thinking of You
Tantra Massage For Multiple Male Orgasm


Blogging: My Layout Pet Peeves
An Unpleasant Outing

Erotic Fiction

The Flight Attendant’s Return Home…
Kinky Cocktail Story Time: The Jelly Bean
Spanked Silent

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Quantification of Everything (Especially Sex)
Polyphobia – The New Homophobia


Thoughts and Advice on Kink and Fetish

For Submissives.
Protocols. I Want.
When You Can’t Trust Your Body
Masters Guilt
BDSM Is Not (the only) Kink


ELust Site Badge



August 30th, 2014



July 20th, 2014

Brain running all over the place. It’s almost still Saturday, so I should post. Or something. Legs have pretty bruises, from practice, where our resident woodwoorker brought new toys for everyone to try. “Wicked sticks” of two different thicknesses, a variety of lengths, and solid wooden handles. We had a lot of fun testing them out. I was told I should teach a class on how to not scream. There’s a gag-rule in place at our weekly venue, but we rarely pull out the gags. Reminds me of a comment from last weekend, a friend was talking about being shushed without being given a reason. I take shushing as a challenge, myself. Still having trouble with my hands though. He kept having to order me to stop touching him. My instinct to touch, if not stop, incoming hands has grown stronger and needs to be stamped down again.

We played CAH tonight, and my brain was being too rational. Fortunately, it was a very loud and rambuncious group, so my logical comments did not make it through the noise. And because we played CAH, my mind was thinking about sex a lot, too. Which, on the drive home, turned into “conversations that must be had before sex with a new partner.” Don’t ask me why, it was after 1am. Things like: What is your definition of Sex, Total number of sexual partners, When were you last tested for STDs, What is your STD history, What are your thoughts on Birth Control/sexual barriers. Cuz, someday, I might actually have another partner again. (Yes, it’s after 2am now, brain needs sleep.)

Birthday this week, yay!

Good night.


At First Blush

June 5th, 2014

Over four years ago, I wrote a post called Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby. Where I talked about how sexually shy I am. A lot of things have changed in the last four years. I have gotten a lot more confident about my body, and comfortable wearing little or nothing. There was a big paragraph about the change to not wearing underwear, and now I hardly even think about it. I’ve had annual STD tests since that post, and can openly talk about sex with my Doctor. I can wander around naked at an event with no problem. And yet, someone pointing out my arousal still makes me blush.

It’s totally fine that I like getting the shit beat out of me in public, and can talk with people about masochism and submission until my voice is gone. But ask me what turns me on, and while I’ll tell you, my cheeks will be burning. Toss me over your knee and spank me in public – awesome. Point out that I’m dripping wet from it, and I will try to melt into the floor. Appreciate my screams of pain, and I’ll giggle. Appreciate my moans and gasps, and the blush will blossom.

But it works for me. That’s the kind of humiliation play that turns me on. I was recently asked how I process humiliation scenes. I told her one of my biggest fetishes is the bad little school girl. Feeling naughty turns me on. Self-perpetuating cycle.




May 15th, 2014

Oh my gods, teeth. I mean, I know how much I missed them, but I didn’t really Know how much I Missed them. Sensual teeth, not just rip the flesh from your bones teeth, though I love those, too. But when three guys were nibbling on me all at once this past weekend. Dear gods, did I remember how much I missed teeth. Teeth on my neck, on my shoulders, on my wrist, inside my elbow….

And missed nails, and hands… Let’s just say it was a very good Friday night. Saturday wasn’t terrible either, though we were much busier with being responsible party hosts.

Once again, sorry for the massive amount of radio silence lately. I’d like to say it’s going to get better, but I’m not sure when. I’ve got one helluva schedule for the next three weeks, but I do hope to post more soon. I’ve put a lot of time and energy into this blog, and sometimes I just need a break. I’m told grad school does that to people.

So many things going on and possibilities floating around. Hopefully inspiration will be more plentiful, and posting will become more frequent once again.


e[lust] #56

March 17th, 2014

elustheader Photo courtesy of Understanding Flutterby

Welcome to e[lust] – The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at e[lust]. Want to be included in e[lust] #57? Start with the rules, come back April 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Trick of the Light

What Does Porn Lead To

The Posh Life of a Sex Toy Reviewer?

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Eleven Quarters

Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Sadists

~ Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Erotic Fiction

The Watchman
Short Story: Tucked Away
Property’s Progress
Glass Houses
Proud and Prejudged
You’ll Do…. Now Step Closer.
Pet Ballerina
Superotica Valentine – Day 7
Get In Me, Daddy
White Gloves


Posting a photo a day!
How to Handle Your Junk in Public
My first trick on a corner
Mid Morning Musings ~ The Catharsis of Pain
Francesca Woodman Inspired Self Portraits
Eve’s Quandary – Blogging Between Fig Leaves
What I Be

Sex News,Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Why 3 out of 4 young women don’t masturbate
An Open Letter To Sex Toy Manufacturers
Daily Photo – Day 1: Full Disclosure

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Fantasies, deep and dark
Fun with ropes
Where we started from
Kink from a humbler perspective
To Err Is Human, To Punish May be Advisable
Reader Q&A: How does a sub say ‘no’?
Finding Balance

Erotic Non-Fiction

Sister, Oh Sister
My First Trick
This one’s for you
Angela’s orgasm
His Rope Show
Finger Banging With Daddy
Feeding Submission
Valentine’s Day Diary
Balance at the Boat Launch
Rope, Rhino Cock, and a Balancing Act

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Monogamous, Kinky Couple-Friends
As Lust Fades
A discussion with Mom
When Did You Realize You Were Dominant?
How to Fake an Orgasm
How To Increase Your Libido Without Cialis

Writing About Writing

Talking Dirty
Fiction! Thank You!


I’m Willing To Earn The Right
Bad habits



Fantastical Musings

July 8th, 2013

After creating a long involved fantasy for a couple week of bedtime stories, I began to wonder why I fantasize like I do. Why, in this particular case, the Me character was a brawler, a girl who could and would fight to defend herself. And why the He character forbid her from doing so, forbid others from fighting with her, and punished her for breaking his decree. I mean, some of it is obvious, I am turned on by the power exchange that such a decree and punishment entails. But why fighting? Even as a child, I’d imagine being trained by the TMNT.

It is, as most fantasies are, the desire to be other than I am. To be physically strong and dexterous and skilled at fighting. I played soccer fairly well, was terrible at baseball, barely passable at volleyball. I was an outdoorsy kid, but never very strong. I always lost wrestling matches. Fighting in grade school wasn’t much beyond kicking shins(to this day, I cannot fathom purposefully hitting a guy in the balls*), or shoving someone to the ground. We certainly didn’t get into fist fights. Then RA hit, and I felt even weaker, even more vulnerable. I was always intrigued by martial arts, but never enough to take classes for more than a month or two (Tai Chi lasted longer, but the study I did was not focused on practical use). So, I fantasize about being a girl who not only can fight, but is particularly good at it. Enough so, that to protect others, I am banned from and punished for fighting.

What about the other main fantasy? The naughty coed fantasies. Of course there’s the school girl aspect, and the spanking, but what about the character? The Me character is always very sexually forward. She is not shy about seducing the professor, telling him exactly what she wants, or exactly what she’ll do for him. For all that I’ve grown and learned in my sexual and kinky life, I am still quite shy about my sexual desires, and expressing them verbally. I still blush and mumble and drop my eyes. So, I fantasize about the girl who can look a man straight in the eyes and tell him that if he would put her over his knee and spank her, that she would gladly have sex with him, or she would kneel under his desk and blow him. She is not embarrassed by her sexuality.

Other fantasies are similar – seduction and the willingness to be seduced, not feeling hesitant or bashful. Slave girl has been trained and is confident and skilled. Kidnap/rape fantasies – not being given the choice, being forced to do whatever I’m told or suffer worse. Action and confidence instead of hesitation, shame, doubt, and inaction.


(*The guys were my friends, friends don’t kick other friends in the tender bits. I was scolded the other day, when asked how I would defend myself from a guy grabbing hold of me, and I refused to ball-tag him. My answer is stomp on the top of his foot, elbow to the gut, and skull against his face. I never learned the skill of hitting a guy in the crotch. Being around the kink community, I figure it’ll either piss him off more (especially if I don’t hit square on), or he’ll like it, so why bother?)