Imp of the Perverse

July 4th, 2016

I don’t know if I’ve ever posted about my name. I’ve had this blog so long, it’s possible that I have, but something new brought it forward in my mind. I listened to Brimstone Angels by Erin Evans recently, and the devil in the story brought it forward in my mind. Not the magic he offers, or his violent temper, or even the care he develops for the main character, but her attraction to him, and her resistance of it.

I have a quote from E.A. Poe’s story, The Imp of the Perverse, on the sidebar of this website: “There is no passion in nature so demoniacally impatient, as that of him who, shuddering upon the edge of a precipice, thus meditates a plunge.” It’s a story about that little voice inside us, that urges us to jump. Urges us to Do The Thing, even though the rational, logical part of our brain says ‘no, it’s dangerous, it’ll kill you, don’t do it.’

I have that feeling a lot in my life. And I resist it a lot, too. Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it’s very hard. Sometimes I resist it just because the feeling is there, and it is so strong: I shouldn’t do the thing. Why? Because I want to do it so badly.

Does that even make sense to someone who isn’t me? Who wasn’t raised the way I was? Probably, a lot of people were raised this way. I was raised to resist temptation: “lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.” I was taught that temptation was evil, something to be avoided.

And so, sometimes, when I give into temptation, I do it with my eyes closed so tightly, that I trip and fall headlong down that cliff. Instead of walking in, eyes (and mind) wide open, so I can control my fall, or maybe even climb down carefully.

I’ve done this with relationships, over and over again. Jumped in headfirst, and hit rock bottom before I even knew I was falling. Some of these were shallow cliffs, with not very far too fall. Some of them, I’m still climbing out of.

I did this with him, too. Jumped in without looking, lost my way, took the wrong path, hit rock bottom. But he jumped in with me, and we helped each other back to our feet, and we still walk together, living our lives, and exploring other cliffs.

Sometimes, I miss my cliff-jumping days. Sometimes, I resent my carefulness, now. Sometimes, I get frustrated that bad-idea snacks are the one of the few temptations I give into anymore. Sometimes, I don’t want to be responsible, dependable, reliable. Some days, I just want to go be a librarian on the Galapagos Islands. Some days, I want to just get in my car and drive til I run out of money. Some days, I wonder if I could get people to pay me to drive around the country doing genealogical research for them. Or fly around the world, too. Some days, I don’t want to be careful, and thoughtful, and considerate. Some days, I just want to jump off a building and be Dauntless. (Guess what book I’m listening to, now.)

 

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Energy

May 1st, 2016

I meant to post a thing about energy. Been meaning to since Wednesday night. I even meant to have a conversation about it this weekend. But I’ve just been so busy/exhausted. Irony, oh how I love you. So, let’s get this going.

Wednesday night, we had a class entitled: Sacred Touch. Every fall, at COPE, there is a space called: The Scarlet Sanctuary. Both were about a practice of sensual, but not sexual, touch between (usually) two givers and one receiver. The receiver lies on a (massage) table, face up. The givers proceed with light touch all over the body of the receiver. There is negotiation first, and removal of whatever clothing the receiver wishes. The idea, as I understood it being explained this week, is that with four hands on one’s body, the brain cannot process it all and it can put the receiver into a floaty or subspace kind of zone. The experience is different for everyone involved, every time it occurs, I am told. This week was the first time I experienced it.

I have said that I’m not a very “woo” person, but this may be inaccurate. I have faith in a God above, and to some, that’s a very “woo” thing. I believe in personal energy, and that can be a very “woo” thing. I’m not into the seeing auras, and reading futures, because that’s not part of my personal life. But I do feel energy, sometimes to an extreme. I do enjoy the energy circle created by sex or by scenes. I do, on occasion, worry that my energy is too needy, or that I’m in danger of being an energy vampire when I’m sad, lonely, or upset. Other times, I am repulse by the energy of others, or overwhelmed by the energy of a large group or gathering.

Because of these latter two, I often keep my energy bubble in tight. I stay inside myself. I exhibit the usual closed body language – arms and legs crossed, curled in upon myself. Afraid to let it go. Afraid to mix my energy with others. Even those I love, for fear of being a drain on them and their energy. In some situations, they pull me out of, or crack my shell. When he and I have intense scenes, or he sends me flying, my bubble bursts wide open. When my new lover and I have sex, he peels away the outer layer and our energies flow together. But after, I always put myself back together, zip it back up, keep it tight.

So, I wanted to try this sacred touch, this opening up, this letting go with people whose goal it is to not just let me, but to make a space for it, for the mingling and releasing of energies. Three people were leading tables, with each guiding a new volunteer with each scene, so people could try out giving as well as receiving. I requested the leader that is a dear friend of mine, but not one I’d ever scened with, other than helping him tease her. I didn’t know the other two leaders, except by face, and I trust her. The volunteer giver was someone I knew by face, but not much beyond, but that was unimportant, I felt I could let go with her there.

After negotiations, she helped me peel down (part of the service) to bra and panties, and they both helped me onto the table. It started slow, just feeling out my skin, as I told myself to relax, to release my shoulders, to just give in. An odd chime sounded as part of the music, sounding like the chime used to end meditation at the Open Sangha and I laughed to myself and dropped back down into the music and touch. I repeated to myself over and over: “It’s okay, it’s ____, just let go” until I believed it.

Tears dripped out of my eyes and down my cheeks, as I let go of stress and balled up energy. She held my head, wiped away a tear or two, touched my forehead. Reassuring. More tears fell, not hard, just a trickle out of my eyes as stress left my chest. And their hands kept running over my skin. The trickle stopped, for the most part, and I started vibrating. I do this in scenes sometimes, sensation breaks me open, and I just start shaking with the energy. I laughed a little bit, trying to breathe it out, as the session came to an end. Just take your time, she told me, and I nodded, still shaking.

After a few moments, I took their hands and sat up, shivering more than shaking now. Breathing deeply to settle myself back down. I thanked them both as I settled back into my body. Cold now, so she helped me back into my clothes, and when I returned to my seat, I grabbed my jacket, too.

It was an oddly peaceful feeling, when it was all done and the final ceremony to release the gathered extra energy was done. I felt, not empty, but calmed. As though my energy had been smoothed out, like released muscles after a good massage. He commented that I was extra quiet when I dropped by to return the gear afterwards. I was floating, I told him. It was like floating, in a clear, calm pool.

I went into my weekend up north with much more calm than I usually do, eager to be going, certainly, but without the desperate need I have been feeling, to escape from the stresses of home. It was nice to be there, in a calmer state than usual, and left me better able to be supportive of him. Doing my best to keep that calm state for the coming week, with a local convention where another group I’m involved in will be running parties.

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Surrounded by Wolves

April 22nd, 2016

The only wall decorations in my living room are pictures of wolves taken from calendars my mother-in-law used to get me every year. Two or three wolves in each picture, adults or pups. I didn’t want any lone wolf pictures around me, I wanted families. To remind me, in my single home, that I am not alone. I am part of a family, part of a pack, loved and cared for and wanted.

A lot is going on in my world. Changes, adjustments, frustrations, and joys. I work a draining job, and a very fun job, and I apply for others. I wish things were simpler, but I know that would be boring. I juggle finances, responsibilities, and fun with nearly equal measure. I’m listening to books now, to balance not making time to read. I’m not writing enough, but whenever I remember that, I make some time.

I do love my life, and making plans for the future. I am grateful for the health I have, if occasionally cranky for the health I lack. I am grateful for all the love in my life, for the friends and chosen family, who have chosen me, too.

Spring is springing, new life, new joys, new opportunities.

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Classes

February 8th, 2016

Went to three classes this year. One about Accepting the Demon Within. Which turned out to be more about rewriting the stories of your upbringing. Turning the guilt and shame of our unconventional turn-ons into good things. Accepting that which makes us happy and horny, and that which makes our partners happy and horny. By creating “new intentions.” It was taught by a life coach, and as such, was very much like all the other life-coaching classes I’ve been to. Not a bad thing, just not a new thing. I think my nugget from that class was taking the fear of admitting to a fetish and turning it into a more easily spoken fetish by talking about why it is a fetish. The example given was admitting enjoying tickling as a fetish, because he liked reactions. My example might be admitting enjoying rape-play as a fetish, because I like having control taken from me by force.

The second class I went to was Balloon Bondage. It was fun and silly and loud and educational. I learned that I cannot blow up long, balloon art balloons. 😉 He tried to teach us how, but only a few folks could do what he described. I was not one of those few. However, my partner in class was, and we quickly decided we should do a balloon bondage scene at our next event together. Though, she’s still going to bring a pump for ease sake.

The third class I went to was about connection through rough body play. He talked about the three factors: Attention/Focus, Contact, and Tension. Giving your partner your attention and focus, as well as capturing their attention and focus. Contact, even if it’s not physical. Eye contact, energy contact, physical contact. Creating tension through fear or expectation. Hitting in a rhythm then pausing before hitting again. Making them face forward while you are behind them. He showed great examples with his demo bottom. He even called another play partner out of the audience, with whom he has a different dynamic. The focus, contact, and tension was created and displayed almost instantly. Beautiful.

I intended to go to other classes, but lunch and chatting got in the way of that. Lunch did net me an extra scene for the weekend, though.

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WW Pre-Post

February 4th, 2016

Con starts tomorrow afternoon. We’ve got one solid plan, our usual post-con plan. But nothing specific for the con itself. There seem to be a lot of good presenters and classes, haven’t tried to figure out which I want to attend. Going in to have a good time, and see what we can get into. I made one request, to beat out my stress. Lots of possibilities. 🙂

As usual, I’ll probably have a couple posts coming up after we’re all done. Enjoy your weekend readers, I know I will.

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Unformed Thoughts

January 28th, 2016

Had various ideas floating around my head this week, but they never crystallized and most of them have wandered off again. Wednesday nights are picking up again – we had a good crowd last night. Still not a lot of practicing going on, but there was more this week.

Winter Wickedness is next weekend. Very much looking forward to that, though not a lot of solid plans, yet. Looking forward to Deadpool in a couple weeks.

Thought about grabbing a list writing prompt thing to do, but didn’t find one I liked. Thought about writing another erotica, but I didn’t have a new idea, and feel silly writing the same things over and over.

It’s a new year, but I’m still in limbo, but a more hopeful limbo at this point. Life is crazy and full of change. I enjoy the things I have, am grateful for all the love in my life, and look forward to new experiences.

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For Just One Moment

January 23rd, 2016

“I Love You.” She looked into his eyes. “I’m sorry if I’ve been distant lately. Your pain is so hard to bear.”

Eyes. Everything is in the eyes. The soul. The pain. The love. Dancing with joy. Aching with pain so raw, tears try to soothe it.

She has always found it hard to look into his eyes. Afraid of what she would see there. Her voice catches in her throat, heart pounds, stomach clenches. The intensity there. Afraid she will be swept away.

Wanting to be swept away by it.
Afraid of losing herself.
Before she ever truly finds.

But she loves him so much, she could spend a lifetime lost in his eyes. The rest of the world paused for just a moment in that gaze.

The world moves so fast. Rushing along, dragging them in its wake.
“Can we just sit for a moment, and gaze into each other’s eyes?”
And share a lifetime with each other. If only for one moment.

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Is Vacation Over Yet?

January 14th, 2016

Not for me, I guess. I spent nearly a week with the new boy, because he ended up not having weekend plans. It was a very nice week of relaxing, exploring each other, talking about life and ourselves, and sharing favorite movies. This weekend I get to spend with him and the new boy, and a hundred or so of our friends, at an adult relaxicon. With panels ranging from Kink to Filk, from Indentured Servant Roleplay to Karoke. And with an open bar and awesome music to dance to. I look forward to this every year.

I’m also working on a small kinky lending library for my group. A past crew-member donated a bunch of books (too keep them out of sight of her young children), so I’ve been working on cataloging them and preparing lending policies. Not sure when we’re going to launch it, but we’ve already had one other donation, too. Anybody want to hire this kinky librarian? 😉

We’ve brought back our Wednesday night class and practice, starting this week, in the new Community Space. That’s very exciting. Starting off slowly, but I think we’ll build up steam again soon. Plenty of space to get our practice on, I think it’ll work out well once we get the list filling up again.

Winter Wickedness in just three weeks. I have no specific plans. I haven’t even had time to think about plans. Maybe after this weekend.

All the things! 🙂

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Happy New Year!

December 31st, 2015

It is time to reflect and move forward.

Gratitude:

I am grateful to my boyfriend, for his love and support. For challenging me to learn and grow. For the hugs and kisses, rope and floggings, snuggles and pokings. For all the delicious meals and treats he made. For sharing his passions and his struggles. For everything we have shared this year.

I am grateful to his wife, for her love and support of us both. For sharing time and space. For sharing meals and hotel rooms. For her voice of reason, and her questions. For sharing her cookies, brownies, and bacon. For all the cooking she did when we were too tired.

I am grateful to them both, for another great year as part of their family.

I am grateful to my unlabeled boy, for all his caring and support. For providing me a quiet escape. For sharing his books, favorite shows, and movies. For the hugs, snuggles, kisses, and fun. For walks in the woods and around his hometown. For cooking for me and learning my food peculiarities. For making time and space for me, and working through the confusion. For a great year of growing together.

I am grateful to his girlfriend, for her caring and support. For encouraging me and helping me. For inviting me back to WoW. For sharing her time and space. For communicating with me, and being willing to work through the difficulties. For sharing food, fellowship, and Cedar Point. For another year of friendship.

I am grateful to my crewmates, for a year of fun and family. For their willingness to work together. For their tireless volunteering. For their eagerness. For family dinners at TeeJays that are never boring. For sharing their passions with me, each other, and the community. For another year of teaching, learning, and sharing.

I am grateful to my community, for another wonderful year. For working together towards the future. For so many great events. For all the love, acceptance, and support they provide. For all the opportunities to learn, grown, share, and play together.

Next Year:

  • I will fill my cup more.
  • I will write more.
  • I will read more.
  • I will learn more.
  • I will be, do, and love more.

Happy New Year, my dear readers. May it bring you peace, joy, and love.

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Merry Christmas!

December 25th, 2015

I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season with their friends and family!

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