Surrounded by Wolves

April 22nd, 2016

The only wall decorations in my living room are pictures of wolves taken from calendars my mother-in-law used to get me every year. Two or three wolves in each picture, adults or pups. I didn’t want any lone wolf pictures around me, I wanted families. To remind me, in my single home, that I am not alone. I am part of a family, part of a pack, loved and cared for and wanted.

A lot is going on in my world. Changes, adjustments, frustrations, and joys. I work a draining job, and a very fun job, and I apply for others. I wish things were simpler, but I know that would be boring. I juggle finances, responsibilities, and fun with nearly equal measure. I’m listening to books now, to balance not making time to read. I’m not writing enough, but whenever I remember that, I make some time.

I do love my life, and making plans for the future. I am grateful for the health I have, if occasionally cranky for the health I lack. I am grateful for all the love in my life, for the friends and chosen family, who have chosen me, too.

Spring is springing, new life, new joys, new opportunities.

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Classes

February 8th, 2016

Went to three classes this year. One about Accepting the Demon Within. Which turned out to be more about rewriting the stories of your upbringing. Turning the guilt and shame of our unconventional turn-ons into good things. Accepting that which makes us happy and horny, and that which makes our partners happy and horny. By creating “new intentions.” It was taught by a life coach, and as such, was very much like all the other life-coaching classes I’ve been to. Not a bad thing, just not a new thing. I think my nugget from that class was taking the fear of admitting to a fetish and turning it into a more easily spoken fetish by talking about why it is a fetish. The example given was admitting enjoying tickling as a fetish, because he liked reactions. My example might be admitting enjoying rape-play as a fetish, because I like having control taken from me by force.

The second class I went to was Balloon Bondage. It was fun and silly and loud and educational. I learned that I cannot blow up long, balloon art balloons. 😉 He tried to teach us how, but only a few folks could do what he described. I was not one of those few. However, my partner in class was, and we quickly decided we should do a balloon bondage scene at our next event together. Though, she’s still going to bring a pump for ease sake.

The third class I went to was about connection through rough body play. He talked about the three factors: Attention/Focus, Contact, and Tension. Giving your partner your attention and focus, as well as capturing their attention and focus. Contact, even if it’s not physical. Eye contact, energy contact, physical contact. Creating tension through fear or expectation. Hitting in a rhythm then pausing before hitting again. Making them face forward while you are behind them. He showed great examples with his demo bottom. He even called another play partner out of the audience, with whom he has a different dynamic. The focus, contact, and tension was created and displayed almost instantly. Beautiful.

I intended to go to other classes, but lunch and chatting got in the way of that. Lunch did net me an extra scene for the weekend, though.

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WW Pre-Post

February 4th, 2016

Con starts tomorrow afternoon. We’ve got one solid plan, our usual post-con plan. But nothing specific for the con itself. There seem to be a lot of good presenters and classes, haven’t tried to figure out which I want to attend. Going in to have a good time, and see what we can get into. I made one request, to beat out my stress. Lots of possibilities. 🙂

As usual, I’ll probably have a couple posts coming up after we’re all done. Enjoy your weekend readers, I know I will.

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Unformed Thoughts

January 28th, 2016

Had various ideas floating around my head this week, but they never crystallized and most of them have wandered off again. Wednesday nights are picking up again – we had a good crowd last night. Still not a lot of practicing going on, but there was more this week.

Winter Wickedness is next weekend. Very much looking forward to that, though not a lot of solid plans, yet. Looking forward to Deadpool in a couple weeks.

Thought about grabbing a list writing prompt thing to do, but didn’t find one I liked. Thought about writing another erotica, but I didn’t have a new idea, and feel silly writing the same things over and over.

It’s a new year, but I’m still in limbo, but a more hopeful limbo at this point. Life is crazy and full of change. I enjoy the things I have, am grateful for all the love in my life, and look forward to new experiences.

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For Just One Moment

January 23rd, 2016

“I Love You.” She looked into his eyes. “I’m sorry if I’ve been distant lately. Your pain is so hard to bear.”

Eyes. Everything is in the eyes. The soul. The pain. The love. Dancing with joy. Aching with pain so raw, tears try to soothe it.

She has always found it hard to look into his eyes. Afraid of what she would see there. Her voice catches in her throat, heart pounds, stomach clenches. The intensity there. Afraid she will be swept away.

Wanting to be swept away by it.
Afraid of losing herself.
Before she ever truly finds.

But she loves him so much, she could spend a lifetime lost in his eyes. The rest of the world paused for just a moment in that gaze.

The world moves so fast. Rushing along, dragging them in its wake.
“Can we just sit for a moment, and gaze into each other’s eyes?”
And share a lifetime with each other. If only for one moment.

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Is Vacation Over Yet?

January 14th, 2016

Not for me, I guess. I spent nearly a week with the new boy, because he ended up not having weekend plans. It was a very nice week of relaxing, exploring each other, talking about life and ourselves, and sharing favorite movies. This weekend I get to spend with him and the new boy, and a hundred or so of our friends, at an adult relaxicon. With panels ranging from Kink to Filk, from Indentured Servant Roleplay to Karoke. And with an open bar and awesome music to dance to. I look forward to this every year.

I’m also working on a small kinky lending library for my group. A past crew-member donated a bunch of books (too keep them out of sight of her young children), so I’ve been working on cataloging them and preparing lending policies. Not sure when we’re going to launch it, but we’ve already had one other donation, too. Anybody want to hire this kinky librarian? 😉

We’ve brought back our Wednesday night class and practice, starting this week, in the new Community Space. That’s very exciting. Starting off slowly, but I think we’ll build up steam again soon. Plenty of space to get our practice on, I think it’ll work out well once we get the list filling up again.

Winter Wickedness in just three weeks. I have no specific plans. I haven’t even had time to think about plans. Maybe after this weekend.

All the things! 🙂

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Happy New Year!

December 31st, 2015

It is time to reflect and move forward.

Gratitude:

I am grateful to my boyfriend, for his love and support. For challenging me to learn and grow. For the hugs and kisses, rope and floggings, snuggles and pokings. For all the delicious meals and treats he made. For sharing his passions and his struggles. For everything we have shared this year.

I am grateful to his wife, for her love and support of us both. For sharing time and space. For sharing meals and hotel rooms. For her voice of reason, and her questions. For sharing her cookies, brownies, and bacon. For all the cooking she did when we were too tired.

I am grateful to them both, for another great year as part of their family.

I am grateful to my unlabeled boy, for all his caring and support. For providing me a quiet escape. For sharing his books, favorite shows, and movies. For the hugs, snuggles, kisses, and fun. For walks in the woods and around his hometown. For cooking for me and learning my food peculiarities. For making time and space for me, and working through the confusion. For a great year of growing together.

I am grateful to his girlfriend, for her caring and support. For encouraging me and helping me. For inviting me back to WoW. For sharing her time and space. For communicating with me, and being willing to work through the difficulties. For sharing food, fellowship, and Cedar Point. For another year of friendship.

I am grateful to my crewmates, for a year of fun and family. For their willingness to work together. For their tireless volunteering. For their eagerness. For family dinners at TeeJays that are never boring. For sharing their passions with me, each other, and the community. For another year of teaching, learning, and sharing.

I am grateful to my community, for another wonderful year. For working together towards the future. For so many great events. For all the love, acceptance, and support they provide. For all the opportunities to learn, grown, share, and play together.

Next Year:

  • I will fill my cup more.
  • I will write more.
  • I will read more.
  • I will learn more.
  • I will be, do, and love more.

Happy New Year, my dear readers. May it bring you peace, joy, and love.

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Merry Christmas!

December 25th, 2015

I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season with their friends and family!

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December is Here Again

December 5th, 2015

Christmas wish list is pretty simple this year – I want a job that provides health insurance, and enough stability that I can do the things I want to in the new year. 😉  (This includes moving to a new apartment, what the Hell IS that noise, now? Or maybe just bribe some of my neighbors to move…)  Of course I updated my Amazon list, but it’s just books and movies and kitchen gear. Nothing special there.

Not quite a week into December, it’s gotten cold, but the snow’s holding off here. Still a fair chance at a white Christmas. This month’s a bit quieter, less events and everyone enjoying the holidays and waiting for the turn of the year.

(Seriously, what are they Doing around here today? A saw? A grinder? Are they torturing animals?)

On the holiday giving front, not a lot of money to go around, so I’m working on creativity instead. Plans and thoughts that I hope make it out of my head intact.

Cutting my hair freaked me out more than I expected. He’s teasing me about it, of course – “I’ll speak to you again eventually” “I can’t date you anymore” etc. It took me about 30 photos to get two I liked. My hair was something I really liked about my appearance, despite my arguments with it. Vanity thy name is girl. With all my physical issues, my hair was something I could control, something that didn’t hurt me, something I was happy with.

But it wasn’t professional, so it had to go. If you want to land a job, you have to look like a professional. Well, it’s shorter now, less ragged looking. I guess that’s professional.  It’s just hair, I tell myself, it’ll grow back after you land your dream job. Just relax. I could so use a hot tub right now.

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Introspection

November 19th, 2015

I don’t understand politics. I don’t understand people. I’m not good at being politically correct all the time. And yet these statements are not entirely true. I’m a negotiator, an arbitrator. I can see the crashes coming, and the moving of the pieces. But I also fall flat on my face, make sarcastic comments at the wrong time, tip over into upset easily, and stuff my foot down my throat regularly. I screw up, and make up, and rile up, and calm down. The veil is lifted, but I still reach out for it.

I am human… and sometimes I hate it. Some days I just want to crawl into a hole and hibernate through the cold. Life is pain – I’m a masochist, I know that. And hiding never helps, running only makes them chase. Stand up, and just keep walking. And keep your friends and family by your side.

 

Hope and fear. Love and hate. Been watching the Hunger Games movies lately. Been watching the news, too. These aren’t entirely connected, but they aren’t entirely separate, either. We are one world, one human race. We have to find a way forward before we burn everything to the ground around us. Fear and hate is not the way.

 

Confidence and insecurity. I’m a fairly confident person. Far more confident than I used to be. But I still cling tightly to my insecurities. I use my past to make excuses, afraid of an uncertain future. I hide behind my wounds, or is that hide my wounds. I hide behind my writing, and yet some things I am afraid to write.

“I am not a leader” and yet I lead, but “I am not The leader.” I organize, but I am not the voice. “I am not a teacher” and yet I teach, and call it tutoring. “I am not a presenter” and yet I stand before them, my body the blackboard, and I speak my truths.

“I am not <______> enough” and yet I am, and always have been.

 

I stand on the edge of the next precipice, fearing and daring to take the plunge. It is time to spread my wings and fly.

 

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