Poly and Pets

June 21st, 2016

Some people have one pet, some people have two pets, some people have many pets, and they love them all, but it’s more than that. I’ve seen some interesting examples of poly illustrated through the pets of various friends and acquaintances.

Monogamy: There is just one pet, and that’s all they ever want, and they are very happy with their one pet, until death do us part. Then, after a time, they might get another pet.

Harmonious Poly: There are multiple pets, and all the pets get along, there are occasional spats, but they all coexist peacefully most of the time.

Discordant Poly: There are multiple pets, and they do not get along, to the point that the pets are kept in separate areas of the house, or outside/inside divisions, or constantly supervised. The owner goes through a lot of work to give each of the pets attention and love, and whenever the pets get too close to one another there are fights.

And I see examples of attempts to add new relationships, too.

Some pet owners take current pet(s) to meet the new potential pet, to see if they get along, and after some time getting to know the new pet, and the new pet getting to know them and their current pets, when all is well, they bring the new pet home, with the intention of harmony.

Others suddenly bring a new pet home, expecting that it will just get along with all the others, or already planning to keep them separate. Sometimes this goes well, and they get to harmony fairly quickly. Other times there are constant fights, and the owner must decide if they are willing to work through it, with patience and training(communication) and/or separation of the pets, or if they have to let the new pet go/take them back.

We’ve all seen jealousy illustrated with multiple pets – petting one and another comes over, begging for attention. Some have seen pets acting out if left alone too long, or who get upset if you go away.

Obviously, people are a lot more complicated than animals, and relationships are more involved than pet ownership, but both take a lot of time, patience, and energy, and both can provide lot of love and joy.

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“Fortune” Cookie Wisdom

June 5th, 2016

My fortune cookie yesterday said: “You are open and honest in your philosophy of love” as I sat across from my mom and never told her that he is not just my friend, but my boyfriend of six and a half years, and only vague things about the new boy once in great awhile to assuage her fears that I am lonely. But that’s just a family thing.

In general, the “fortune” is true. All my friends know I’m in a relationship with a married man, those who am I around regularly know about the new guy, and his girlfriend, as well. They and all the other folk I have affection for, of course, all know about each other, and my not-yet-ex-hubby. I am grateful to be able to live the life I have openly and honestly with those that love and care about me.

My new coworkers haven’t asked yet, about my love-life, and I haven’t really decided how open I’m going to be with them. I’m just getting to know them as coworkers – have found a few fellow geeks/gamers, and they all seem pretty relaxed and cool. But it’s always a difficult thing in the workplace, to know how open you can be about non-normative behavior. Especially since I’m starting at the bottom and needing to work my way up, to at least a full-time position, as quickly as possible, for insurance and financial reasons. I’m just so happy and excited to finally be doing what I want to do and what I’ve worked so hard towards.

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Surrounded by Wolves

April 22nd, 2016

The only wall decorations in my living room are pictures of wolves taken from calendars my mother-in-law used to get me every year. Two or three wolves in each picture, adults or pups. I didn’t want any lone wolf pictures around me, I wanted families. To remind me, in my single home, that I am not alone. I am part of a family, part of a pack, loved and cared for and wanted.

A lot is going on in my world. Changes, adjustments, frustrations, and joys. I work a draining job, and a very fun job, and I apply for others. I wish things were simpler, but I know that would be boring. I juggle finances, responsibilities, and fun with nearly equal measure. I’m listening to books now, to balance not making time to read. I’m not writing enough, but whenever I remember that, I make some time.

I do love my life, and making plans for the future. I am grateful for the health I have, if occasionally cranky for the health I lack. I am grateful for all the love in my life, for the friends and chosen family, who have chosen me, too.

Spring is springing, new life, new joys, new opportunities.

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Love and Fairness

April 10th, 2016

Recently, a friend posted about how all love is different. For instance, you love your mother differently than you love your child. Or you love your first boyfriend differently than you love your best friend. More specifically, she was addressing that in poly relationships (or any relationships, really), that you love each person you are involved with differently, because each person and each relationship is different. This post led to discussion from other posters about fairness, priorities, and value.

Whenever I hear the phrase “X is not fair,” I instinctively respond with Westley’s quote from The Princess Bride: “Life is not fair, Highness, anyone that tells you differently is selling something.” On the stage show, we often refer to “fair” as a dirty four-letter word. Life, love, work, play, nothing is “fair” for everyone, because resources are not infinite.

Love is love, it cannot be measured, weighed, or examined, it simply is, so I do not believe it can be judged “fair” or “unfair.” Actions may seem fair or unfair, and certain people may judge these actions and say that one would not act that way if they “really loved them.” Or others, I have seen, say it’s “unfair” that a person won’t give them a chance to love them. Let me state right up front here, I don’t believe anyone is ever obligated to “try to love” someone that do not wish to. Nor do I think that a person should be asked to “prove their love” in a way that harms another. So, I am proceeding with the understanding that “fair” does not apply to love, and that people have free choice.

So, let’s talk about priorities and value. People have priorities in life, and they place value upon a wide variety of things. Some poly relationships are described as Primary, Secondary, etc. and it seems to be understood that the Primary has top priority, Secondary next, and so on down the line. These designations do not mean that the secondary is loved less, or even valued less than the primary. It can just mean that the primary has priority.

I typically see this in that the Primary are the couple who live together, and so they are financially, socially, legally, and familially obligatied to one another, and so their stability, and needs must take priority to preserve that household. Often, because if there is catastrophe in that household, no other relationships could exist. This does not mean the primary can preempt plans of the secondary on a meaningless whim, this is disrespectful to all parties. However, if there is an emergency, this could mean the secondary’s plans may get cancelled. One would hope, however, that if the secondary had an emergency, the primary would give over priority to them, as well.

I’ve heard in some cases, where a secondary feels it is “unfair” that the primary gets to spend more time than them with their mutual partner, that it must mean they are worth less to that partner, that they must love them less than the primary. Once again, I would state that priorities are not a measure of love, just a measure of resource distribution in a world that is full of obligations and short on time.

Let us also not forget, that a person sometimes has to hold themselves as a priority over their partners’ wants. If an individual is not taking care of their own needs, they cannot be a good partner. It may seem “unfair” of a partner to cancel on you because they need to go to bed early, but it can also be “unfair” to insist they come over when they are too tired to drive. It does not mean they love you less than their bed, it just means that bed is their priority in the moment.

Other comments I have heard are about the “unfairness” of mutual partner doing X or Y for partner A, but not for partner B. I feel that this has more to do with communication. If there is something you want and are not getting, you need to ask for it. If mutual partner does not want to do it with or for you, talk about why and see if there is a compromise to be reached. It may be that they did not know you wanted it, or it may be that it is a special thing, reserved for partner A, but there is something else available to partner B that will work just as well. Or, it could be that it is not something that person wants to do with partner B, in which case, partner B will have to decide if they can do without it from that partner or if there needs to be a change in the relationship.

Remember, every person, relationship, and love is different. Trying to make them “equal” or “fair” will typically only bring heartache to all. Revel in the differences and explore what they mean to you.

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April Fools Day

April 1st, 2016

I’ve seen a few amusing stories today, a few good memes, and the usual roundup of new, amusing products from ThinkGeek. I don’t know that I’ve ever really taken this day to heart. I’m not a practical joker, I’m just sarcastic. But I noticed I haven’t posted in a while, so I figured, day aside, why not?

The new job(s) are filling my weekdays, and starting Sunday, half my weekend, too. It will be very good for me, financially. But I’m still working on finding a work-life-food-sleep balance. This coming week will be my first full, six-day workweek. I’ve gotta do better at lunch.

On the kinky side of things. I keep having thoughts of stuff to write late at night, I try to put notes in my bedside notebook, but they don’t make as much sense in the morning light.

We’ve got Wednesday nights again, and we’ve had some good flogging and whip practice here and there. I’ve had a balloon bondage scene on the burner ever since Wickedness, but the young lady and I haven’t quite managed to sync up yet.

I had an awesome spanking/paddling with him this past FFF.  Another friend was down to visit and they played, and then he pulled me down over them both. It was a very good night. We had other friends come out, as well, and there were more snuggles and hair playing. Want more like that. 🙂

This weekend I’m up with the boy, for some nice naked time, relaxing, and orgasms. As we both work on convincing the other of his/her attractiveness. 😉

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Spring Ponderings

March 19th, 2016

Just about to be spring. New growth abounds. For me as well as the plants about. Starting to take to heart the need to care for myself first. I am so used to putting others first, for going when called, or showing up regardless of how I feel. But this week, I took my own needs into higher consideration. When I wasn’t feeling well, I stayed home, and took care of myself. I asked for the visits up north that I desired, and got them scheduled.

Been thinking about love languages lately. I thought I knew what mine were, but I think I might have been taking on ones that were not mine, because they were my partners’ preferred language. Or perhaps mine are changing based on my current life situation. I am finding myself craving touch as a love language more than I thought I wanted/needed. Perhaps because I’ve been living on my own for three years now. And am feeling the lack of touch created by living alone. It is hard, however, to know what to do with that in existing relationships which are used to previous levels. I  feel needy or clingy if I want more touch than I used to want. I am working out what to do with those feelings, and finding a balance.

I’ve also been working on taking control of my mind. Finding tools to be able to back myself down, or cut short, emotional reactions to situations. There’s nothing wrong with feeling emotions and expressing them, but certain situations require I control those reactions so that I can continue to communicate, or do what needs done.  I am working with new tools to, in effect, reboot my mind to better deal with situations in the moment, with a success rate of about 50% so far. A good start, for me.

Happy Spring!

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Happy New Year!

December 31st, 2015

It is time to reflect and move forward.

Gratitude:

I am grateful to my boyfriend, for his love and support. For challenging me to learn and grow. For the hugs and kisses, rope and floggings, snuggles and pokings. For all the delicious meals and treats he made. For sharing his passions and his struggles. For everything we have shared this year.

I am grateful to his wife, for her love and support of us both. For sharing time and space. For sharing meals and hotel rooms. For her voice of reason, and her questions. For sharing her cookies, brownies, and bacon. For all the cooking she did when we were too tired.

I am grateful to them both, for another great year as part of their family.

I am grateful to my unlabeled boy, for all his caring and support. For providing me a quiet escape. For sharing his books, favorite shows, and movies. For the hugs, snuggles, kisses, and fun. For walks in the woods and around his hometown. For cooking for me and learning my food peculiarities. For making time and space for me, and working through the confusion. For a great year of growing together.

I am grateful to his girlfriend, for her caring and support. For encouraging me and helping me. For inviting me back to WoW. For sharing her time and space. For communicating with me, and being willing to work through the difficulties. For sharing food, fellowship, and Cedar Point. For another year of friendship.

I am grateful to my crewmates, for a year of fun and family. For their willingness to work together. For their tireless volunteering. For their eagerness. For family dinners at TeeJays that are never boring. For sharing their passions with me, each other, and the community. For another year of teaching, learning, and sharing.

I am grateful to my community, for another wonderful year. For working together towards the future. For so many great events. For all the love, acceptance, and support they provide. For all the opportunities to learn, grown, share, and play together.

Next Year:

  • I will fill my cup more.
  • I will write more.
  • I will read more.
  • I will learn more.
  • I will be, do, and love more.

Happy New Year, my dear readers. May it bring you peace, joy, and love.

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Ill Post

December 14th, 2015

I’ve been (and am) under the weather. (Where did that phrase come from?) So, I didn’t get my post out last week. Thought I’d drop a few links of other people’s stuff to keep you tided over. eLust coming in the next couple days, too.

Kimchi Cuddles is a pretty awesome webcomic on “poly, queer, and genderqueer issues” and it’s the last day of her funding push: https://www.patreon.com/kimchicuddles?ty=h

Curious about this book: Stories from the Polycule.

You should check out Ferrett’s blog and his published works: http://www.theferrett.com/ferrettworks/

An interesting post by Bendyogagirl about Balance and D/s: http://www.bendyogagirl.blogspot.com/2015/09/balance-among-unequals_28.html

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Sex, Words, and Trauma 2015

October 18th, 2015

“So, you’re not going to write about me?”

I don’t write about the sex I have. I don’t write about things I’m not willing to do in public, because let’s face it, the internet is public. Intimacy is intimate, to me. Bedrooms are private. I write about scenes, and if they were private scenes at the time, that led to sexy things, I generally have a fade to black. Or did not describe that part specifically. So, when I have a relationship that is more intimate and less kinky, I don’t write about what we do. I think, instead, I might give a try writing about how it makes me feel.

I am also having a love languages issue, complicated by my ever-present battle with insecurity. Service is my main love language, and it is present in all of my relationships – taking care of one another. It is the Words of Affirmation, that I am finding myself stumbling over. Part of my brain says that service, actions, should be enough. That I shouldn’t need specific words, or that I should hear the words in the actions. But I have discovered that I do want to hear the words, as well, far more than I realized. So, I’m working on the how and why of that.

Trauma is coming! Two weeks from now, Trauma will be over, and I will be Sleeping. Crew is shaping up nicely, much better than my exhausted brain remembered Friday night. So that’s good. I’m looking forward to it with the same kind of dread and excitement as always, though perhaps a bit more dread as it coincides with the weekend between my last two weeks of internships, and the weekend has a wedding to go to, as well.

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In Sickness and In Health

October 9th, 2015

As someone who has been broken up with because he “can’t handle my disease.” As someone whose future mother-in-law asked her future husband why he couldn’t find someone who wasn’t sick or broken. As someone whose boyfriend asked her when she was going to “give up the idea of having RA.” As someone who get looks of worry or words of concern when I choose to carry something heavy, (or has it taken away from me because they think it’s too heavy). This post speaks to me: I Promise To Love You When You’re Sick.

My disease does not define me, but it does frustrate me. I can physically do most of the things that I want to do, but not all. And some of them I cannot do for an extended period of time. I work with my doctor, my drugs, my food, my body, my family – to do the best that I can for myself. But on some days, it just isn’t enough. On some days, I just want to scream and cry and throw things, but on those days, I’m often too tired, or it hurts too much.

A long time ago, I came to hate the word fragile. I am not fragile, I insisted, I’m just a little broken, and some days a lot broken. And anyone who has seen me play, or read some of my more physical scene descriptions, can attest to that. I am not fragile. I refuse to be. You cannot straighten your left leg or your right arm, they’d say – I’m going to learn Fencing, I replied. Every joint in your body is screaming, they said – I’m a Masochist, I insisted. I’ve seen your body try to kill you, he said – I’m going to fly, I replied.

Diseases like this are a rollercoaster. I’ve had periods of remission – when I felt almost normal. But normal to me is a lot different than normal to a healthy person. I have spent a couple years off drugs here and there. Most recently when eating a far healthier, far more limited diet. But even then, I wasn’t pain and flare free, and I’d rather be happier than totally drug-free at this point in my life. And chocolate makes me very happy. 😉

So, to all of those in my life, who do their best to understand, to support, and to comfort me. To all of those who love me without thought of my disease, or with every thought of my disease. To the (ex)husband who told his mother to leave off. To the (ex)boyfriend who taught me about healthy eating, but did not shut me out when I started taking drugs again. To my boyfriend who lets me carry anything I choose to carry, and makes sure that he or others are there to carry what I choose not to try, who has never treated me as fragile, but understands that I am sometimes more broken than I want to admit. To all of those who in my life who are suffering alike or differently. Thank you for being party of my life, for loving me. I love you, too.

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