Speaking Desire

March 12th, 2015

I should be sleeping, but brain is running and guts are being obnoxious. I’ve been meaning to post about desire this week. I posted a link to an article about it yesterday. Not just desire, but expressing desire. Out Loud. With Words.

I’ve posted many times about sexual shyness. This post isn’t about that. It’s about the words. It’s about asking for things. It’s about learning to speak, all over again.

I’ve gotten a lot better these past five years. Gods know he’s challenging me more and more to ask for things. I get frustrated sometimes. When did we have to start planning out scenes ahead of time? But his plate is so full of All The Things. Stress levels are high, and if I can reduce that by asking for things. By being specific. I damn well better do that. For him. For us. For me.

I’ve got a new relationship brewing. And this one finds my blushing adorable. This one finds it very entertaining to get me going, then stop and ask More? What now? What do you want? What would you like? And watch me blush and hide my face while trying to form words in answer.

I told him recently that I’m more used to accepting what’s offered than asking for more. I am afraid of being viewed as pushy or needy. But this relationship is challenging that. Given our schedules, and my only getting mine a week ahead of time, I have to ask to see him when I have days off. And not just to see him, but I have to ask to come to his. This goes totally against my ingrained programming to not invite myself over to someone else’s home. If I want to see him, this is what I have to do, for now. It is possible for him to come see me, just trickier. It has happened, in a manner of speaking, and will happen again at some point.

But this helps me. It helps me know that asking is okay. Every yes makes me more comfortable. Gives me more confidence when he asks the questions that make me blush. Helps me know that I am wanted, and that it is okay to ask for what I want. Even if some of them are no, it is teaching us to communicate with each other. Creating a safe space for that communication.

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