Love as Thou Wilt

March 1st, 2015

I should be doing homework, but it was putting me to sleep. I tried to take a nap, but the end of Kushiel’s Dart called to me. So I finished reading it. It was a glorious ending, and heartbreaking, and tumultuous. Despite the long list of nobility and hard to follow politicking, I really enjoyed this book. I’ve mentioned it in another post, talking about the main character and my identifying with her being. But I never expected that I’d want to read the next one. I am drawn to the difficulty, the impossible situation, to the puzzle and the challenge. I want to see if Melisande is caught, if Hyacinthe is freed. I want to read of her relationship with Joscelin, their impossible love. I want to be a voyeur of her assignations. Jacqueline Carey, you have done your job beautifully.

It is the same with David Gerrold, though not with so much glory. The puzzle of the Chtorr, the impossible situation of freeing Earth from the invasion, and McCarthy’s difficult nature in dealing with people, even his lover. I like her answer when he asks why she loves him – because it is easier than not loving him.

The words swirl around in my head as I try to explain how I feel about that. It is not that I stopped loving every guy I have broken up with or who has broken up with me. It would have been easier if I had. Some relationships went on longer than they should have simply because it was easier to keep loving them in the same way. But often, love is not enough. Fortunately, some of the relationships have taken on new forms, because it is simply too hard not to love them still.

I described my reason for being poly recently as “I am poly because I form deep emotional connections with multiple people at once, and denying that is denying who I am and how I love.” One of my favorite phrases from Kushiel’s Dart is “love as thou wilt.” It is rarely a choice to love, but it is always a choice how we act on that love. The heart does not listen to reason, but reason must guide our choices. Or at least, mine.

Often, in discussions of poly, it is reiterated that a poly person chooses each day, to be involved with each and every one of their partners. I choose every day to stay connected to him and show him, as best I can, how much he means to me. I choose every day to continue to grow a new relationship. I choose every day, to keep a place in my heart for Da, though not a partner, he is still very important to me. I choose every day, to remember those exes who are still a part of my life, and to cherish their friendships.

Meaningful relationships are not easy, they take a lot of hard work, on both sides. But they are worth it. The amount of love in my life, ever growing, is worth all the effort, the pain, the tears. Life is pain, Westley says, but it is joy, too, and love. And it is amazing.

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