Your Own Little World

I saw this meme on Facebook today. And, while it is all good advice, the fourth one hit home with me today, in several ways.

Make peace with your past
so it won’t screw up the present.

What others think of you
is none of your business.

Time heals almost everything,
give it time.

Don’t compare your life to others.
And don’t judge them. You have no idea
what their journey is all about.

Stop thinking too much
it’s alright not to know the answers. They will
come to you when you least expect it.

No one is in charge of your happiness,
except you.

Don’t compare your life to others. That hit the hardest. It is really easy to do. Society does it all the time. You have to ‘keep up with the Joneses’ (you know, I’ve never tried to write that one down, how do you pluralize Jones…), whoever they are. ‘You should be more like your brother, sister, cousin, friend, husband, wife, that guy over there.’ ‘Why isn’t my life more like hers?’ ‘Why don’t I have what she has?’ ‘Why does she have all the luck?’ You are you, you aren’t someone else, you can’t have someone else’s life. You have your own life, and it simply doesn’t compare.

And don’t judge them. The above also comes with a flip-side. ‘I’m glad I’m not them.’ ‘Why does she have to be like that?’ ‘How can he live like that?’ I find myself judging people, and I have to take a step back. I have to remind myself that I don’t know what they are going through. I don’t know what brought them to this point. I don’t know anything about them or their life.

You have no idea what their journey is all about. And they don’t know what your journey is either. They won’t understand you, in the same way you don’t understand them. There is no way you know what a stranger is going through, and friends don’t know everything in your life. Even lovers don’t live inside your head and your skin. In the general scheme of things, no one is with you 24 hours a day 7 days a week for your entire life. We all create our own realities, and it is impossible to know someone else’s reality.

Then I looked at the whole list from a poly perspective. And it all fit quite well into poly thinking, too.

Make peace with your past, so it won’t screw up your present. Nothing is more frustrating to a new partner, than continuous talk about an ex partner, except being compared to that ex partner. Make peace with your relationships when they end, so they don’t haunt your future relationship.

What others think of you is none of your business. This is a hard one, because we care about what our friends and family think. And when they are supportive, it is great. But when they disapprove, it can be devastating. If you are happy, and you are being who you are, it doesn’t matter what someone else thinks.

Time heals almost everything, give it time. This one is hard for people, especially after a break-up. Don’t push. Give yourself time to heal. Give everyone else time to heal. Then give it a little more time. So much extra damage can be done if you push while feelings and nerves are still raw.

Don’t compare yourself to others. And don’t judge them. You have no idea what their journey is all about. Especially important in polycules. Don’t compare yourself or your relationship to another in the group. You are not them, your relationship is not theirs, your path was not theirs. You may think you know everything that is going on, but see above. Your reality is no one else’s.

Stop thinking too much, it’s alright not to know the answers. They will come to you when you least expect it. Guilty. I think too much all the time. That’s why I took up meditation. To stop the wheels, and let the answers come in their own time. It is also why I don’t feel bad emailing an answer a day or two after a question was asked. It is okay to not know how you feel about something and ask for some time to think about it. Do remember to let them know when the answer comes.

No one is in charge of your happiness, except you. (I changed the line-breaks on this one above, the original meme had it broken up to say only ‘No one is in charge’ on the first line, which is not the point of the sentence.) If you are unhappy, it is your responsibility to act, to make a change, to talk to your partner. And I don’t mean tell your polycule and expect them to fix it. It is your happiness, not theirs. They could make changes that help you, if it is within their power and purview. But it is your responsibility, not theirs, to make choices about your happiness.

Food for though tonight, to go with the massive hibachi dinner I had with my polycule.