Looking for Concrete

January 8th, 2013

What is my endgame this year? Where do I want to be? What do I want to achieve?

Ex-Lover asked me to take 8 minutes and really visualize myself being in that space of having achieved my goals, after putting it on the calander. Select a concrete goal, set a deadline and visualize having achieved it.

But my goals from last week aren’t really concrete, that’s why he says they are more like resolutions, that’s what resolution means to him. Things you’re going to do, whereas goals are the end result. Where do I want my behavior changes to take me?

I have trouble with that. I think we all do. Defining success. Because we’re so afraid. Of failure. Of that success. Because if we can accomplish one thing, people are going to expect us to accomplish more. And if we don’t, well, then we’re useless failures. Right? No!

I set my resolution/goals at five aims. Write more erotica, experience new things, cherish what I have, take care of myself and grow stronger friendships. But where is it I want to be at the end of the year? I want to be successful, independant and fulfilled.

Okay, good start. But what does that really mean to me? What does that look like?

I’m a writer. I’ve wanted to be an author since freshman year of college. I have had short stories published here and there. I’ve been blogging here for a few years now. I put together some erotica collections last year. But what I really want, is to have a book out there, that people want to read so much, they’re not just willing, but happy to buy it. That, to me, is success.

I work non-commission retail, and have done for ten years now. These last three years have been averaging twenty hours or less a week, with no benefits. I am almost completely dependant on hubby for financial survival (for richer, for poorer, eh?), and health benefits. I have had other part-time jobs, and enjoyed them. I have looked for other employment, usually very specific ideas in my head, mostly unrealistic. This year, I am broadening my search, casting a wider net to find anything that would give me a decent salary, benefits and stability. I am not giving up the idea that it will be a job I like, there’s no point in getting new job that will crush me more than my current one, but I’m open to wider possibilities. Independance to me, is not basing my decisions on someone else’s income.

One left, fulfillment. This one is a bit more nebulous. It’s about not just settling for what I have, but being happy with it. It’s about searching out those things that I want and making them a healthy part of my life. It’s about having everything I need. It’s about continueing to grow. Fulfillment is living the life I want to have.

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